Wednesday, December 15, 2010

When Crafting Dolls Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong


I've solved your last minute gift-giving dilemma cuz look!: "Birthing Dolls".

See how she's smiling?? So fun!!!!!!

(what even IS that???? A brain with a foot???)

Lady, childbirth may not be your biggest problem.

Really, it's tricky to crochet a good placenta.

Yeah, these'll run you about $150....but imagine the hours of fun! Pull him out, stuff him back in.....pull him out, stuff him back in.

I can't quite put my finger on what's missing here though....

Oh, right. The screaming. Duh.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Royal Wedding!!!!?? Stab Me in the Brain With a Fork.


Alert the Franklin Mint.

Never mind they're on it:

Holy collectible coins and pill boxes. William and Kate are engaged.

I know, I's gonna be like the biggest TiVo-tastic event of the decade...and a bajillion people are gonna watch it live....and the entire population of Britain and probably Wales is going to spontaneously combust from excitement...and Diana herself will probably ride down from heaven on a sparkly unicorn.

I'm trying to care, I swear.

I think maybe if he were THIS kind of prince

I'd tune in.

In any event, I have one wish for the future princess...and that is that there is a Franklin Mint baby doll made in her likeness.......

...because that's not creepy at all.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

See? All I Needed Was An Extra Hour's Sleep. Also: This Post Has Lesbians.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Double Rainbow

I love this dude. LOVE him. It's a double rainbow and his mind is blown.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Jesus, That's Random.

If you don't pay attention to the highway guardrails, you might miss some important info.

Spotted this a couple days ago. Pulled the car over, jumped out, looked both ways, darted through traffic, took a cellphone pic and thought: "Isn't 'judgement' spelled with an E?"

Nevertheless. How glad are you guys that I saw this!

So my first thought, as always, is: 'What does this mean for ME.' And the answer is, I have a lot less time left than I thought cuz according to the movie...and the Mayans...we all had until December 2012, so: total rip.

And by the way, I'm no historian, but who decided the MAYANS know everything? When did the MAYANS become like the FrankinCovey of man's existence?

Where was I.

Oh yeah. Jesus.

So I texted him.

Me: may 21 2011 wtf?

Jesus: hahaha

Me: random

Jesus: :)

Me: u cant wait til dec 2012?

Jesus: ?

Me: mayans. 2012. big movie. John Cusak

Jesus: mayannnnnnnssss LOL

Me: great. so 7 mos?

Jesus: and 3 wks :D

Me: how am i looking?

Jesus: ur fine. haha jk

Me: nice

Friday, October 1, 2010


Monday, September 27, 2010

My Palms Are Literally Sweating From The Awkwardness

Oh my God.

Oh.    My.   God.

Stayfree Maxipads? Has created a web commercial with a shirtless dude that is quite possibly the most douche-tastic/awkward/cringe-inducing 3 minutes to ever hit the interwebs.

I have to watch it like I'm watching a slasher movie. Through my fingers.

At any moment I'm sure my computer screen is going to implode because it has called some worm-hole of awkwardness in the the universe.

So- here: don't say I didn't warn you..... and tell me if you think he has a raisin stuck to his butt.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

This Just In: Apples Not Falling Far From Trees

Here's the problem with the Nature vs. Nurture debate when it comes to my kids' behavior in the universe.

There's no winning. It's both.

My genes + my behavior = conformity Fail.

Is this not every mom's bedtime ritual with their 10 year old daughter?
Me: "Love you.."
Her: "Love you."
Me: "Forever..."
Her: "and ever."
(together) "More than the moon and the stars and the universe"
(Fist bump-explosion)
(Soulja Boy dance together) "SUPAman... o- now wa' me wa' me YOUuuuuuuu..."
(see below :30-:45)

Swear to God. I do the Soulja Boy every night with my 4th grader. Sometimes we do it in a British accent.

Anyway, the other night I'm rifling through her school papers trying to figure out why she's fallen behind in homework and she's got THIS proudly tucked in the front of her folder:

Which, while awesome, is giving me an eerily familiar glimpse into her prioritizing.

SO we had a big talk about buckling down... and the importance of homework.... and her response was this.

Her: "Can I wear my mustache?'
Me: "Of course."

Friday, September 10, 2010

Never Forget

I ask this every year, but I think it's important to remember....where were you when you heard?

Pet Math

Giant Schnauzer with Post-Traumatic 
Stress Syndrome from 4th of July fireworks

plus +

white trash neighbor 
happy hour target practice

equals =

screen door fail.

Happy Friday to me.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Football Season Has Begun! Go Red Sox.

I don't know how else to put this.

I don't care about football. don't care.

Don't get it, don't understand it, don't watch it.

Yes, I was a cheerleader in high school. Cuz here's the thing: Outfits? Adorable. Black skirt, white sweater with a big red "R", pom-poms.... it's important to pick your sports based on the cuteness quotient of the uniform. My other two sports in high school were field hockey and tennis, no lie. Win or lose, at the end of the day you're wearing a cute skirt.

Then in college, my girlfriends and I made every single football game. We just didn't get beyond the parking lot tailgate. The mass exodus of everybody else going back into the game was like holding a party with intermissions.

It makes my husband mental when I actually do sit down while he's trying to watch a game and start asking questions.

"Is that guy allowed to have hair that long?"
"Why are they all wearing black arm bands?"
"Why do they keep showing that woman? Is that his wife?"
"Why doesn't the coach know the Gatorade bucket is coming?"
"How do they draw those computer lines under the players?"
"HE'S cute."

But! I am going to be a good sport and get into the whole Fantasy Football thing.....

Here is my Fantasy Football starting lineup:

We are going to kick ass.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Weekend LOL Video

Have an awesome Labor Day Weekend, dads....rock on.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The Only Thing Worse Than Being a Chilean Miner Trapped Underground For a Month being the Chilean miner whose wife and mistress just found out about each other while holding vigils above ground.

"f*ck my life"

True story, read about it today.


How bad does your life have to suck when 32 guys trapped 700 meters underground with limited light, excessive heat, rationed food and the promise of MAYBE getting rescued by Christmas.....feel bad for you.

What I really wanna see? Is Rescue Day.

They'll be all "Dios mio!!! They've broken through! We are saved! Manuel, mi amigo! Lets go!!'

and he'll be all "Nah, I'm good....I'm know, clean up the guys go ahead."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Twitter Recap

If you're not following me on Twitter, this is what you've missed. Honestly, I don't know how you function.

I strongly disagree with the river tubing company's giant sign. Alcohol and tubing DO mix.
2:21 PM June 28th via Twhirl

9 year old : "How do people with afros wear helmets?"
3:30 PM July 5th via Twhirl

Our fireworks were so kickass last night that the dog ran away overnight.
8:03PM July 5th via Twhirl

Summer homework is such a f*cking buzzkill
10:45 PM July 18th via Twhirl

OOooh. Hot guy just ran up my cul-de-sac. How fast can I make a lemonade stand.
10:45 AM July 19th via Twhirl

BlogHer just suspended my ads for lack of posting. Feel like a grounded teenager. I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN! Or something.
6:20 PM July 19th via Twhirl

How completely epic would it be if Kevin Costner does, in fact, save the Gulf.
6:24 PM July 20th via Twhirl

Teen: "She's not texting me back." Me: "Why don't you call her house?" Teen: "That's weird."
7:53 PM July 23rd via Twhirl

My muffler just fell off. Or my tailpipe. It's a rusty metal tubey-thingy. Do I need it?
4:25 PM July 25th via Twhirl

9 year old: "Do all the astronauts on the moon live together?'
9:39 AM Aug 3rd via Twhirl

True story: Trainer just texted me: "Sorry I called your shoulders 'old pieces of meat'. I apologize."
2:03 PM Aug 11th via Twhirl

OK people, I have a petition here for the kids to go back to school a week early. Who's with me.
11:23 AM August 13th via Twhirl

These kids are so far up my ass I feel like I'm giving birth.
11:25 AM August 13th via Twhirl

OK this is an opening line you never wanna hear: "Mom? you know that green plastic stuff Ziggy threw up yesterday?..."
10:25 AM August 15th via Twhirl

" there's a string of it coming out of her butt." FML.
10:26 AM August 15th via Twhirl

Friday, August 13, 2010

Weekend LOL Video

How bad do I want a fainting goat.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Holy CRAP That Was Fun

So 3 days later, I think the vodka is finally out of my bloodstream from BlogHer '10.

I learned many, many things... but if I could share just one with you, it would be this: After drinking and dancing til 4 am, just because the mini-bar in your room HAS vodka and cranberry juice? Doesn't mean you should MAKE some.

You're welcome.

Roomed with blond bombshell extraordinaire Lisalicious from Mommedy for the 2nd year in a row because A.) She is my best friend and B.) I get lots of free stuff when I'm with her.

In hindsight, could have done without the free "mind-eraser" shots, but as we've already discussed, my judgement wasn't exactly on high-alert.

Were there any guys there? Hell yes.

Hey, a girl can still look, right?

I'm gonna wager that this is one of the few conferences that sports both a Metamucil booth and a vibrator booth...

All I can tell you is: One of these tables? I had to elbow my way in to get a pic. For real.

And sometimes....if you're lucky.........

You'll run into a celebrity so awesome you find yourself begging to take a picture..

and he signs his autographs:

"Love, The Sun".

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Yes, I'll Be Posting About BlogHer....


I got to bed at 5am.

On account of I was dancing at Posh in NYC til it closed.

Wait, you're saying. Isn't Posh a gay bar?

Where hot young men go to meet other hot young men?


yes it is.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Drive-bys and Chicken Gangs

So you know your writer's block is bad when your advertisers inform you that you're not going to get "paid" unless you "post" more "often" fact they're going to "remove" their "ads" until they see "fresh content".

Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.

I feel like a grounded teenager.

Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.

Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."

My neighborhood:

You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.

So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:

The f*ck.

Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."

Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"

Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."

Me: "So wild hamsters?"

Husband: (rolls eyes. walks away.)

I'm just askin:

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Happy 4th of July

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Alzheimer's Scare Averted

My husband so doesn't think this conversation was that funny.

I disagree.

Husband: Can I talk to you about something?

Me: What's up?

Husband: I don't want to scare you or anything....sit down.

Me: Jesus! What???!!!

Husband: Well.... I know you've said the sleeping pills affect your memory a little...but lately you've really been forgetting things a lot. Like, a LOT.

Me: (horrified) Like I've been repeating myself?????

Husband: you forget to do stuff....

Me: Like what???????

Husband: Well, like you know how I asked you to return my shirts to Macy's..... and to return the pendant lights to the store..... and give that check to the neighbor?

Me: Yeah.....

Husband: You keep forgetting to do it.

Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha oh.

Husband: What's so funny.

Me: I didn't forget...I just didn't do it.

Husband: ? Why not?

Me: I dunno. I just didn't.

Husband: (perplexed) So you did remember I asked you to do it....

Me: Yes.

Husband: ....but you chose not to.

Me: Correct.

Husband: And how should I feel about that.

Me: Relieved. Your wife just had an Alzheimer's scare. But she pulled through.

Husband: (*sigh*) will get that stuff done.

Me: What stuff.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm Not Photoshopping the Wiener Out

First of all, that is just the greatest post title ever.

Here's what happened.

I'm having my kitchen painted (yay!) and my D-bag Giant Schnauzer decides to run through the paint tray (boo...) so I take a picture of him:


So the question becomes: Do I import the photo into Photoshop and deal with the situation or do I say screw it.

Exactly. So there you have it: my dog covered in paint...and other stuff. (*sigh*)

In other Awesome Pet News.... my husband totally caved in to the 9 year old and let her get two hermit crabs .. They came with this pamphlet....see if you spot the problem.

For the love of God.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Why Did The Turtle Cross The Road?

F*ck if I know.

All I know is, the one thing I don't have time for in the morning scramble to drive the kids to school is animal rescue.

Especially since I'm still in my PJs - T shirt and boxers - with mens' basketball sneakers thrown on at the last minute.

But as we turn out of the neighborhood onto a busy street, here's this freakin giant ancient turtle inching its way across the road.  So I pull the SUV over, jump out- in my pajamas - and run over to it and try to pick it up by its shell like I'm Steve Irwin.

Which is pretty much when it turned into "Gamera" from the old Godzilla movies.

Whips its head around and tries to bite my arms off. Well. Almost. It whipped its head around and snapped. Anyway I dropped his Japanese subtitled ass fast.

Me yelling to kids in car: "It's a SNAPPING turtle!!!!"

Kids: "Save it, Mom!!!!!"

(now the cars are backed up waiting on the impromptu woman vs. Gamera battle that is about to ensue.)

So I grab a big stick. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would've been Steve Irwin's move.

And I try to Super-poke him off to the side.

Gamera: "Your stick is no match for my Jaws of Death!" (snaps at the stick)

Me: "I'm just tryin to HELP you, you retard!" (poke)

Gamera: "Let the battle begin. My Kung Fu is strong." (snap)

Me: "Idiot! Can you say 'roadkill'???????" (poke)

Gamera: "Can YOU say: 'ugly pajamas'?" (snap)

Me: "MOVE you freakshow!" (poke)

Gamera: "I'M the Freakshow?  Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?" (snap)

Me: "I wasn't planning on Roadkill Intervention for an ugly-ass turtle.." (poke)

Gamera: "That was unnecessary."

Me: "Agreed. I apologize."

Gamera: "Let us end our battle with honor."

Me:" OK then."

Gamera: "I shall continue my journey across the street."

Me: "Whatever."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Mom Facts

The greatest thing about being a parent is that up until the age of 13, your kids take every word you say as gospel.  Granted, this does tend to bite you in the ass when the information is shared on the playground.

My 9 year old: "Tiger Woods is probably gonna die soon from a disease you can get from having too many girlfriends."

Other 9 year old: "How do you know?"

My 9 year old : "My mom told me."

Listen. It's not totally out of the question.

Anyway. So this morning we had the following dialogue regarding nutrition:

Her: "Is the sugar in fruit just as bad as the sugar in candy?"

Me: "No. Your body uses fruit sugar for energy but stores bad sugar like bread as fat."

Her: "You mean your body puts the bread right in your butt?"

Me: '"Exactly."

Her: "That's mean..."

Me: "It IS mean."

Her: "Can you ever get it out?"

Me:" If you stop eating bad sugar it'll go away. Or you can have an operation."

Her: "There's an operation to get the bread out of your butt?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Do they just cut it off?"

Me: "No. They vacuum it out."

Her:" Does it hurt to vacuum bread out of your butt?"

Me: "Yes. "

Her: "But not as much as having a baby right?"

Me: "Nothing hurts as much as having a baby. That's why women are actually stronger than men."

Her: "I'm never having a baby."

Me: "Well you don't have to."

Her: "On 'Glee', Quinn said Puck made her does a boy make a girl pregnant?"

Me: "He can't unless the girl wants to be pregnant and they get permission from God."

Mom Facts. Because We Said So.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

It's Started.

Holy crap. It's started.

The ugly...terrifying...inevitable descent into Uncool.

I thought I had a few years to go: My ringtone is Lady Gaga. I buy my jeans at Wet Seal. I Facebook, I Twitter, I Blog, I've even Skyped.

But, as with my own all starts.... with a song lyric.

Year: 1985
Song: "Heartache Tonight"
Artist: The Eagles

My mom: "....There's gonna be a party tonite, a party tonite-"
Me: "HEARTACHE!!!!!!!!"
My mom: "..heartache tonite, I know..."

Year: Present Day
Song: "Fifteen"
Artist: Taylor Swift

Me: "....and when you're - sixteen and-"
Tween: "FIFTEEN!!! God, Mom."
Me: "..fifteen and-somebody tells you they love you.."

Year: Present Day
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift

Me: "...and I was cryin' in the bathroom, beggin-"
Me"...cryin' on the staircase, beggin' you please don't go.."

Year: Present Day
Song: My Immortal
Artist: Evanescence

Me: "...and I washed your - hands for all of-"
Tween: "Oh My GOD!!! HELD YOUR HAND!!!!!"
Me: "...held your hand for all of these years.."

Lame, party of one.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse....

She posts it on Facebook.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Weekend Amazing Video

These girls are un-freakin-believeable. (once again, spellcheck says no)

Watch the whole thing- they blow away the whole Naval Academy by the end.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Twitter Recap

Obama warns of evils of ipods and ipads. Also, get off his lawn.
6:05 pm May 10th via Twhirl

Tweeting from my new ipad bitches!!!!!!!!
6:05 pm May 10th via Twhirl

God I am so hip I could throw up.
6:06 pm May 10th via Twhirl

Altho I probably just cancelled it out with the word 'hip'.
6:07 pm May 10th via Twhirl

I know the Times Square bomber thing is serious but: 72 virgin Fail.
10:07am May 7th via Twhirl

Also: do female suicide bombers get virgins too?
10:08 am May 7th via Twhirl

Husband picking up tween's Edward Cullen T-shirt: "Where should I put her 'Team Howard' shirt." *sigh*
8:02 am May 5th via Twhirl

Why is awesome: "Woman Bedbound for 6 Months By Huge Breasts". This is news I need to know.
1:29 pm May 3rd via Twhirl

"Expunged". That's just a fun-ass word to say.
7:59 pm May 2nd via Twhirl

Picking out my "tell your husband you scraped his Mercedes" outfit. Think I'll go with shorts and cleavage.
2:03 pm May 2nd via Twhirl

By the time we realize CSI and NCIS have taken over all television programming it'll be too late.
8:02 pm April 29th via Twhirl

9 year old getting in car after bus stop: "What were we talking about?" Other 9 year old: "How huggable pandas are."
6:20 pm April 28th via Twhirl

My newly groomed dog has some cologne on that smells like an old boyfriend. It's very disconcerting.
6:40 pm April 26th via Twhirl

WTF. I can never make raisin toast the first time around. I always have a burn do-over.
1:45 pm April 23rd via twhirl

Telling myself a cold Philly cheesesteak is acceptable breakfast because it had bacon on it.
9:51 am April 23rd via Twhirl

The third time you sneeze? I'm not really blessing you. It's more of a WTF.
6:52 pm April 21st via Twhirl

Quote of the day: 'Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
3:33 pm April 21st via twhirl.

Follow me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Sorry- I've Been Sick With Scarlet Fever

No, I haven't.

But I like the name. It's very dramatic.

And you could picture me lying in bed with one of those old fashioned water bottle thingys on my forehead. (spellcheck says 'thingys" is not a word)

And there would be a couple of nuns pacing around with bowls of water and bibles and speaking in hushed tones.

Plus, my doctor would be referred to as "Doc". As in, "Doc Rivers says it's The Fever".

And my whole family would be kept waiting outside because I'd be too weak.. unless someone could make a call to Robert Pattinson's people about a 'last wish"..that'd be sweet.

Then I'd be all: "get me my makeup...." and the nuns would bring me like a lipstick and I'd be all "No, you dumbass, I need my Philosophy moisturizer, my Mac undereye concealer, my Bare Essentuals powder, my "soft cocoa" eyeshadow collection, my L'oreal mascara, my Sephora mint lipgloss and a spritz of my Bath & Body "warm vanilla sugar" body spray. God.

Then I'd summon all my strength and change into like a cute tank top and boy shorts cuz that's a good death outfit and an even better meeting Robert Pattinson outfit.

Anyway.  It WOULD totally explain why I havent posted in (just went back to check)... 2 weeks.

But it's just writers block again- I am so firing myself if this keeps up.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Weekend LOL Video

This. Is. Awesome.

Booze vs. Flip Flops.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Fess Up, Y'all.

OK I'll admit it: I *heart* Facebook.

"Like" button. Like, like, like. Poke. Comment. Add friend. Accept friend request. Suggest friends. Chat. Comment some more.

It is the awesomest time-suck ever. (spell check is telling me "awesomest" is not a word. It has no problem, apparently, with 'time-suck". )

Where was I. Oh yeah- one of my absolute favorite things to do on Facebook is "become a fan of" pages.

You can become a fan of pages like "Support Same Sex Marriage" or other important crap, but you can also join groups like:

"I Don't Remember Getting This Bruise"

"Thinking If U Raise Your Cell Phone 6 Inches In the Air U Will Get Service"

"I Re-do High Fives If They Weren't Good Enough the First Time"

"I Say Dude Right Before I Say Something Moderately Important"


"Anne Frank Would Be So Pissed If She Knew Everyone Read Her Diary"

All of which I am a member.

So anyway. I joined this group yesterday called "Things I'm Embarrassed to Admit I Like".

And I am going to give you my answers....but I want YOU guys to put an answer in the comments as well. K? Isn't this fun? We can all be douchey together. (spellcheck says no.)



Sportacus from LazyTown


Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, For the Love of Ray j, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Real Chance of Love, Tough Love




Flintstones vitamins

the macarena


Milli Vanilli

Drake Bell

Pop Rocks

Yanni (he's soothing, you guys)

The Jo Bros' TV show


Ok, let's hear it......

Monday, April 19, 2010

Twitter Recap: Because It's Earth Week.

  1. Might tell the dentist I can't make it tomorrow because of the ash cloud.

  2. The definition of awkward: When you have a full conversation with an acquaintance in the grocery store then you see them in the next aisle.

    Think I'm gonna have my kids start calling me 'Mummy".

  3. Just notified that "Taylor Lautner is now following you on Twitter". Do I know it's not really him? yes. Did my heart jump anyway? yes.
     via Twhirl

    Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 
    2 babymamas.

  4. 17 y.o. just informed me that Smart Water is the best kind because "Dude. it's from the clouds."

  5. Teacher to 3rd graders taking standardized test today: 'If you're so nervous u need 2 throw up, do it away from 
    your test."

  6. We felt the earthquake here in PA! No, we didn't. I'm just feeling left out.
     via Twhirl

    Day 11 of kids' spring vacation. Googling clocktowers in the area to bring my high-powered rifle to.

  7. (telemarketer on caller ID) Me:"Tell 'em to bite me". 
    12 y.o.: "Bite me." (slams phone). Husband: 'Nice parenting."

  8. My 12 year old says she's embarrassed that her new 
    phone still has a "mom ringtone". 

  9. 12 y.o: "Why do we have a foreign mailman?" Me: "He's not." Her: "Then why is his steering wheel on the wrong side."

  10. 9 year old: "I think our bus driver is blind. He wears those dark blind people sunglasses and never takes them off."

  11. File under 'unintentinonally funny": Today's school lunch is "Sea Wonders".

  12. If my husband doesn't want to drive important clients in a 
    car with black banana peels and congealed ice cream I need more of a heads up.