Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Terrorist Do's and Don'ts

Listen. There is nothing funny about terrorist threats.

And today on the front page of Fox News (Yes, Fox News: Because, as I've told you, I need immediate notification of A) security threats and B) women who deliver babies into their sweatpants ) they reported that Baitullah Mehsud, commander of the Taliban in Pakistan, has declared that he is going to mastermind an attack on Washington "that will amaze the world".

As I said, not funny.

But. THIS is the picture they ran with the article.

I promise this is not an April Fools post.

Um....where to begin.

Baitullah, Baitullah, Baitullah....


DO: Spend a little extra on a good conditioner. If your curls aren't shiny and bouncy, you'll just come off looking like a rastafarian poodle.

DON'T: Rock a tired old "bad guy" bandana. It screams 'amatuer' and just reminds us of Michael Jackson.

DON'T: Wear a hat that looks like an apple pie. In fact, all pastry-themed headgear is decidedly unscary.

Yanni hair-havin', Mrs. Smith's apple pie hat-wearin', cartoon bank-robber scarf-rockin' mofo...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Post Mortem Dating Rules

So yesterday I was at my daughter's soccer game, and there was a Dad there with his new second wife and she was like 26. And pretty. And word has it she was a professional cheerleader.

So I decided I needed to have a serious talk with my husband.

Me: If I die, I don't want you to marry a cheerleader.

Husband: What?

Me: Or a model or a Hooters girl.

Husband: Are you planning on dying soon?

Me: I could die in a fiery car crash tomorrow. You need to lay these things out. Kind of like a will.

Husband: Except instead of giving things away, you're taking things away.

Me: She can't be prettier, or younger, or skinnier than me.

Husband: Can she cook better?

Me: (thinking....) Sure.

Husband: Better housekeeper, more organized, budget-conscious?

Me: I have no problem with that. Oh! And she can't have a blog.

Husband: Oh, damn.

Me: Well, unless it was like a cooking blog.

Husband: Gotcha. So someone fat, old and unattractive who can cook.

Me: Yes. And you can't go out with our friends.

Husband: What, me and Mrs. Doubtfire can't have a social life?

Me: No. And I want a big oil painting of me over the mantle.

Husband: What if you just sustain massive injuries in the crash that require years of rehabilitation and I have to take care of you in addition to my job...then can I date a cheerleader?

Me: An old, fat cheerleader.

Husband: Deal.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Trippy Video

This is why I love YouTube.

"Natural Hallucinogen"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

More Spam Love

From my spam inbox:


show details Mar 23 (1 day ago)

How are you today? I hope you are fine. If so thank be to God  almigthy.
please excuse me, I saw your contact email while browsing through the internet so I decided to contact you despite that I
have not seen you in person.  My name is Edith,  23 years from Democratic Republic Of Congo in Central Africa. I am single girl looking for honest and nice person. Somebody who care and fear God whom I can partner with. I don't care about your colour or ethnicity.

I would like to know you more, most especially what you like and what you
dislike.I'm sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much happiness.
Thanks and God bless.

Love from,
 Edith Patrick


Dear Edith,
    Thank be to God almighty that you found my email address. You won't believe this, but I AM honest AND nice person AND I care and fear God. That's 4 for 4. What are the odds.
I'm a little fuzzy on the whole "partnering with" thing, so if you could be a little more specific I would be thankful to God.
So! On to my "likes and dislikes".
Likes: sleeping, mojitos, valet parking, disco rollerskating, snow days (because of the sleeping), pedicure chairs that have that massage button, cool ranch Doritos, skorts, Robert Pattinson's jawline, the Electric Slide, pistachio nuts, self-tanner, those mascot guys that restaurants hire to wave at traffic, The Outback's chopped salad, EZ Pass, people who sing alone in their cars, really large hoop earrings, the crunchy part of turkey stuffing, the Geek Squad, cold chardonnay, and the Swiffer mariachi guys.
Dislikes: Good n' Plenty, ants, brain freeze, people who catch you singing alone in your car, historical fiction, sesame seeds, when your arm falls asleep in the middle of the night, Celine Dion, Harry Potter, figs, cruisewear, and that beginning part of the car wash where you have to line up your tire.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks be to God almighty.
Happy Hour Sue

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Bathtub Gangsta Meets Action Figure Edward Cullen

BG: Yo. What happened to you, G?
AFE: What. I must find Bella.
BG: You used to be taller, yo. For realz.

AFE: That's Flat Edward.
I'm Action Figure Edward.

BG: My bad...my bad.
But don't be frontin', G... What 'action'.

AFE: I love passionately.
Protect fiercely.
Brood a lot.

BG: Chillax, son. I am here to hook a brotha up.

BG: Check it, Cuz: Bratz with benefits.

AFE: Tell Bella I'm playing golf.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

It Costs A Lot Of Money To Have Hair This Natural

I started coloring my hair blond when I was 18.

No- scratch that- 16- if you count "Sun-In" and lemon juice. Which always left me looking like Scott Peterson in his "about-to-make-a-run-for-it" days.
So once I got to college I upgraded to "Nice N' Easy" from the local drugstore. Hoping for the "Corn Silk Blonde" promised on the box, but ending up with "Trailer Trash Rust".

Once I graduated and started making some bank I said that's it- time for the big leagues - the Superbowl of haircoloring: The FULL FOIL HIGHLIGHT.
Yes. You look temporarily like you could bring in TV signals from Dubai.

And yes. It's ridiculously expensive.

But you say Hey: It's totally worth every penny because my hair is the blonde I always wanted... and it's natural-looking....and after all these years I finally can pass for being born this way....and you continue on with with the Magical Foils for years and years....and then one day your six year old says,

"Look, Mommy! I drew a picture of you!"

Foil highlight: $120
Tip: $25
Kid callin' it like it is: Priceless.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

St. Patrick's Day Back in the Day

So let's say, hypothetically, you were bartending one night, and some corporate dudes from Baileys Irish Cream came and sat at your bar.

And let's say they asked if you wanted to hand out Bailey's shots and stickers on St. Patrick's Day at a bunch of bars.

And they'd pay you $500 plus free limo for the night.

Would the most important question be:

A) Is the $500 tax free

B) When does the shift begin and end

C) What time will the limo pick me up


D) Do I have to wear any kind of ridiculously over-sized headgear.

***Happy St. Patricks Day****

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Who Wants More "Keyword Korner"?

Once again, it's time for me to share some phrases ("keywords") that my Google Analytics report says landed Googlers on my blog.

As always, I did not make this up.

"bacon boy anecdote"

No, no, I've told that one too many times and bacon boy gets upset.

"fat legged hotties"

I swear to God, Google, I've had it with the  "fat" traffic. But. Thanks for the "hottie" thing.

"gyn and annual and finger and butt"

First of all, you don't need the "and"s. Secondly, just make the appointment you weenie.

"Edward Cullen Joe Jonas happy meal drinking mom"

Well - OK - but you could just bookmark my site or subscribe.

"happy meals and ghosts don't have sex"

I'm going to......agree with you on that.

"does Sudafed brings forward the periode"

Um, sorry to tell ya, nothing brings forward the 'periode' except non-pregnancy.

"to-do list by the hour"

OK, you SO have the wrong girl.

"I'm a gangster and I can't keep the streets happy"

Obviously that one was meant for BG. I'll pass on your concern.

"Dooce Robert Pattinson"

Don't even.

"politically incorrect Play-doh"

I think that's cuz of Gangsta Mr. Bill:

Stupid? Sure. Offensive? I think not.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why The Irish Are Awesome

I know this is gonna shock you guys, but - I'm Irish.


As in, my Dad came to the States when he was 26-Irish.

(Don't adjust your computer monitor. Our skin is supposed to be that pale.)

We Americans think we take our partying seriously. We are strictly JV, people. The travel team is over there on the Emerald Isle.

One Sunday when my Dad and his friends were stuck in traffic, they asked the cop who was in charge of directing the traffic where a certain pub was.

After a few frustrating minutes of trying to explain, the cop said, "Ah hell- move over- I'll just go with ya." and left the traffic snarl to fend for itself.

Seriously. That is some prioritizing right there.

(Pubs were closed on Sundays, BTW...everyone knows you just go around and ring the side door bell.)

But my favorite is the "bona fide pubs".

Back in the day, when the pubs closed for the night, you could still get a drink at a "bona fide" pub. But there was a catch.

The bona fides were supposed to be only for 'The Weary Traveler". The rules were, only those who were "in the course of a journey"were allowed. And you had to have traveled 5 miles from where you slept.

So, my Dad and his buddies would close down one pub, hop in a car, drive 5 miles to a bona fide pub where the bouncer would come out:

Bouncer: "Bona fide?"

Dad & crew: "Bona fide."

Bouncer: "Come on in."

It's the thought that counts.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Typical Sunday Morning

So apparently when my husband went to take the dogs out this morning, there was an issue.

He walked down the staircase, calling the dogs after him when suddenly


The 90 lb. puppy lands at the bottom looking panicked up at the landing at something that obviously freaked him so badly that he had a Class A- spazz-out.

My husband looks up and sees THIS:

Unbeknownst to anyone, my 8-year-old tied Happy Birthday balloons to the Guard Poodle's collar last night and she had to sleep that way.

I don't play that - for realz.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

In Case You Missed It: Nugget 911

Listen up, McDonalds: When a girl wants her McNuggets, you better damn well hand over the McNuggets.
Miss Latreasa Goodman of Florida, called 911 three times on Tuesday because McDonalds ran out of McNuggets. I am so not making this up.

To quote Ms. Goodman, "This is an emergency." Word.

Here are a few other actual 911 "emergencies" on record:

How do I cook a turkey

Suspicious egg carton on the porch

Request to dispatch helicopter to retrieve son's turtle balloon

State park bathrooms need more toilet paper

Leaves in yard are too big

How many shots of tequila can i have and still drive?

The cocaine I bought is not good quality

Anyway. This is for you, Latreasa Goodman: I hear ya, sister.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

What You're Missing Not Following Me on Twitter

Show of Hands: Who's following me on Twitter?

Who has heard of Twitter but isn't sure what it is?


I am so gonna hook you up with the most pointless, fun, time-suck ever.

Twitter is a free social-networking application where you type in little thoughts or observations in 140 characters or less.

You can follow 5 people or 5000 people. You can follow real friends, bloggy friends or celebrities.

And you can reply to the things people say! It's fantabulous.

How have you made it through your day without insightful, educational tidbits like THESE:

HappyHourSueSo...I've rented the carpet cleaner machine....when do the little elves pop out? from twhirl

HappyHourSueSaw Tyson Beckford on the Today Show. He's so gorgeous he's like another species. "Hello, Earthlings, I'm from Planet Fine-Ass." from twhirl

HappyHourSueNote to self: wearing your tubing ticket on your jacket is not as hot as wearing a ski ticket.
 from twhirl
HappyHourSueIf you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. from twhirl
HappyHourSueI am so over my Joe Jonas crush. I'm just getting to the 3D movie an hour early in case of a glasses shortage. from twhirl
HappyHourSueOK, time for LOST.....more Sawyer, less time travel, please. from twhirl
HappyHourSueSo...most people don't worry about their dog burning their nose on the stovetop? http://twitpic.com/1oxt6 from twhirl
HappyHourSueMake up your mind, health community: is a drink a day good or bad???? I'm all: Yes! Shit. Yes! Shit. from twhirl
HappyHourSue**whew** that was fun -just got done with Rob P. :http://twitpic.com/1lg35  from twhirl
HappyHourSueMe to 11 y.o.: "Try these! They're apple chips! They're delish!" Her:"Mom. I'm allergic to apples." Me: "Oh yeah." Her: "You're my MOM." from twhirl
HappyHourSueI wish I had scandalous photos to worry about Facebook publishing. from twhirl
HappyHourSueIn honor of Presidents' Day, I think I shouldn't cook tonight. Day of rest. Or something. from twhirl
HappyHourSueI got lapped by an old man while running on the YMCA track today. I mean, waistband-up-to-the-nipples old. from twhirl
HappyHourSueSo what - I'm still a rock star. from twhirl
HappyHourSueEvery day should be 2-hour school delay. 6am blows moose. from twhirl
HappyHourSueSorry- that was inappropriate. from twhirl
HappyHourSueI have my suspicions that Obama really can dance but puts on the White Man Overbite to not freak everybody out. from twhirl
HappyHourSueCan you imagine if he just busted out all Usher on everyone's ass? from twhirl
HappyHourSueOh God- US Air plane crashed into the Hudson? from twhirl
HappyHourSueSee? Twitter kicks Facebook ass in a crisis. from twhirl
HappyHourSueFacebook would be all "Happy Hour Sue sent you a piece of flair that says 'what's going on with the plane crash?' from twhirl   
Come on...click the birdie.....
anybody who's still having trouble getting it, just email me - I'm a super-awesome enabler.

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