Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Diet Tips from Jesus

Jesus: So! How's that New Year's "resolution" going?

Me: What? Oh- great. Really great.

Jesus: Really.

Me: Totally. I mean, I haven't lost any weight YET, but, you know, I'm going to.

Jesus: I'm here to help. Remember how I performed that miracle turning water into wine?

Me: Yes...YES!!!!! You're here to make me skinny!!!!

Jesus: No. I'm turning all your wine into water.

Me: WHAT??!! That's not necessary.

Jesus: Yes. Alcohol makes you bloated. Water is cleansing.

Me: Wait. Wait. What about.....turn my cookies into carrots.

Jesus: No.

Me: Bread into broccoli.

Jesus: No.

Me: Spaghetti into spinach.

Jesus: No. drink your water. You'll thank me later.

Me: I still have vodka, you know.....unless....

Jesus: V8.

Me: crap.

Monday, February 23, 2009

This Is No Way To Run a Blog

So last night was The Oscars, and my friend Jen from The Daily Mish Mash was hosting a Twitter party. (go there to see more party details from last night).

Everybody watches the show together, while on Twitter, and talk about people's outfits, what a douche Ryan Seacrest is, etc. etc.

Only I don't own a LAPTOP, so in order to watch TV and be online simultaneously, I have to lug my ginormous desktop Dharma Initiative computer out of my office, across the house, and into the family room.

Even the dogs are embarrassed.

I guarantee you Dooce does not have her Christmas lights extension cord sprawled about her living room. 1994 called. they want their technology back.

I suppose I could have borrowed my husband's laptop, but then if he went through history, he could see I was typing things like

"Where is Robert Pattinson"

"Why isn't there a RobCam"

"There he is jfkdkjg;ldfg;'gh;l'j';k"

And I'm not alone, BTW.

After he presented, my 8-year-old daughter got right up and wrote a fan letter (as 8 year olds are wont to do) proclaiming: "I would jump off a cliff for you."

I'm with ya, sister.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Cancel Our Newlywed Game Appearance

We are SO not winning the washer/dryer.

This is an actual exchange last night between me and my husband of 12 years:

Husband: Hey, guess what - you know our realtor, Geena? She has a blog!

Me: Cool.

Husband: Hers is called "Geenablog".com. You should call yours 'Sueblog'.

Me: Well I can't NOW.. everyone already knows the name.

Husband: What is it - "Happy... Hour... Meals"?

8 Year Old: DAD. "Happy Meals & Happy Hour".

Husband: Yeah, that's too long.

Me: Other people seem to remember it.

Husband: How about just "Sue.com"

Me: First of all, no. Second of all, it would sound like I was copying Dooce.

Husband: Who's Dooce.

Me: That really popular blogger who's in the book with me?

Husband: You're in a book?"

I swear to God, people.

Edward would SO know I was in a book.

"33 more days til Sue's book comes out..."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Who Let ME In?????

I'm not sure how this happened, but I'm going to be in a book. (!!??)

I'm just telling you guys, but keep it on the DL, cuz as soon as they realize their mistake they're gonna be all: "STOP THE PRESSES! (rip....rip....rip.....rip.....)".

It's the next "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book and it comes out in March - but here's the really exciting part:

Guess who ELSE is contributing.  Jodi Picoult,

Jillian Barberie Reynolds (you know, NutriSystem bikini girl)

Lynne Spears

Melora Hardin (Jan from 'The Office')

Jesus Christ on a Segway, can't I have my moment?

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Please Don't Bedazzle Your Hoo-Ha

First, I want to thank the 340 awesome readers who took the Pop Quiz!!!!!!! Most of you rocked it- I'm so proud.

A few of you were obviously smokin' a doob behind the school before you came to class, but that's cool.

I'd like to give a special shout-out to the lurkers - I know that was a tough moment when the quiz asked for your name. So thank you to M, c, k, t, T, jq, b, D&P, a, f, k, a, A, k, l, s, HG, c, n, x, k, D, n, me, moi, don't know, lurker, and hmmmm.

Also? The number of you that thought my dream job was "zookeeper" was HI-larious.

Now, on to the bedazzling.

It has come to my attention that there is a growing trend towards blinging the girly-wallet. It's called "vajazzling".

What the actual fuck.

For Valentines Day, I learned, you can get a full Brazilian wax, then it's spray-painted gold and adorned with red Swarovski crystals. Liked, glued on, so you have a private little nether regions disco party, waiting to surprise your man.

Sisters... please. This is the female equivalent of the guy who hires the sky-writing plane or the Jumbotron. You're just making the rest of us look bad.  (Literally.)

The last thing we moms need is our husbands asking for a tricked-out va-jay-jay.  My husband's lucky if I change my razor cartridges.

You'll understand, sassy single girls, when you're a mom - ain't no way it's making the To-Do list.

cupcakes for class party
L. orthodontist
bank deposit
soccer parents meeting
embellish genitals with crystals
grocery store

Also, afterwards? Won't it look like the floor of Studio 54 on New Years Day? 

I'm just saying. All for one, one for all, pinky swear, F-that.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pop Quiz

Everyone, please put your books under your desks, it's time for a pop quiz.

Pop Quiz
1) The Bathtub Gangsta was originally found
On a shelf at Walmart
on vacation in the sand
floating in the tub with the girl dolls
in a bag of donated toys

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Monday, February 9, 2009

Are You Talking To Me?

Here's how you know this is not a picture of me.

See the little love-bugs playing nicely with their teddy bears in  the background? And see Mommy having a pleasant uninterrupted conversation?

Look at the serene yet engaged look on Mommy's face. Mommy is having a meaningful dialogue with another adult, which makes her happy.

Here is a transcript of MY typical phone conversation:

Caller: So what did the doctor say?


Caller: Uh....


Caller: He...what?

Me: I'm sorry. He wants me to have a cardiogram.

Caller: Wow- do you want me to take you?


Caller: It's Ok..you wanna call me later?


Caller: So is he concerned..or....

Me: He thinks it's probably just stress.

Caller: Huh. Do you feel stressed about something?

Me: STOP. DON'T POUR THAT - IT'S TOO FULL- DAMMIT!!!! (sigh) No, I really can't think why I'd be stressed.

Caller: Weird.

Me: I know.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Fairy Names

So my two girls, ages 11 and 8, are all into this new online Disney game "Pixie Hollow"...about Fairies.

And I'm cracking up as I hear them talk about the fairy names that the game assigns to the players.

"Quicksilver Mangolashes".

"Nutmeg Bubblefeather".

"Cupcake Frostyboots".

I don't know why I find this so hilarious. It either reminds me of Native American stripper names or vagrants under the I-95 overpass.

Also? You "pay" for things with snowflakes or blueberries.

And if you're displeased with another player you have to use the default epithet: "Jingles to you!"

Naturally, I made up my own fairy name, "Margarita FoxMuffin", and my husband is now "AbRoller CrankyPants".

Husband: Could you stop now? It's really not that funny.

Me: It is SO funny. And you owe me 3 snowflakes.

Husband: I'm going to the gym.

Me: Jingles to you.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

I'm not usually a Wordless Wednesday participator, but I had to share these two touching things with you guys:

First my bloggy friend and BlogHer '09 roommate Lisalicious sent me this:

Then this morning my mom sent me this video: