Friday, December 25, 2009

The Nurturing Parent

In order to foster confidence and self-esteem, it's important to let your child win at simple competitions.

Unless, of course, it's "Just Dance" for Wii on Christmas morning.

In which case you should crush them like a bug.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Great News About My Butt

Seriously, this is just so exciting.

Turns out, I DON'T have to work out 6 days a week, have a personal trainer, and deny myself sugar and carbs.

I just have to wear different SNEAKERS.

OK. Who wants brownies.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Holiday Recipe

This just in from my college roomate:

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.. Whatever you can

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mishmas.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jesus Checks In

Jesus: Wazaaaaaaaaap.
Me: !! GOD you scare me when you do that.
Jesus: Language.
Me: Sorry.
Jesus: So. I saw Santa's 'Naughty List'...
Me: What? Where?
Jesus: Office party.
Me: So? - he doesn't keep track of adults.
Jesus: Actually he does, and tells me.
Me: Awesome.
Jesus: (gets out file) Shall we?
Me: I'm kinda busy. I was just going to write Christmas cards.
Jesus: No you weren't. You were going to watch VH1's Sex Rehab.
Me: WHILE I was cleaning the kitchen.
Jesus: L.O.L.
Me: You can't say "L.O.L" You can only write it.
Jesus: (opens file)....OK. Same stuff as last time...."language"..... "laziness"...... "lust"...... "lust:(inappropriate)" to explain that one?
Me: I.......... nope.
Jesus: "Trainer": How old.
Me: Twennnnnyyyy....eight?
Jesus: "Deli guy"
Me: I'm gonna say 21.
Jesus: "Taylor Lautner".
Me: Turning 18 in February.
Jesus: Do you see what I'm saying?
Me: I'm on it. Won't happen again.
Jesus: L.O.L.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Next Person Who Asks If I'm 'All Ready for Christmas' Is Going to Get Shanked

(Editor's Note: I was 98% sure "shanked" was the right word so I Googled it. And while it does, in fact, mean 'stabbed in the jugular', it also means 'a family of wading birds' bonus for you: you learned a new word.)

No. I'm not "ready".

The cards are not written, the outdoor lights are half up and, as of this writing, are staying that way in protest. The 3rd grade teacher is in danger of getting a "World's Best Teacher" mug. The garbage man better not look at me sideways between now and December 23rd because for reasons known only to him and the mafia, he insists on leaving my empty trash cans smack in the middle of my driveway.

OK. Now I want take a bitching break and say "How much do I love THIS dude from Charlie Brown:

'So freaking much', is the answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program......

Can we talk about how no one's allowed to say "Christmas" anymore? Only "Holiday".....and now even that's too discriminatory against agnostics, apparently, so THIS is the decorations from the town next door to mine NO LIE:

Really? ? ?


Why don't we just change Valentines Day to "Heart Day" so we don't offend "Relationship-Challenged-Americans"???????????

I know. My Xanax is not working.

I better be good so Santa brings me a good present..

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

Karate Santa spreads some Christmas cheer:

Karate Santa Very Funny - Amazing videos are here

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Thoughts On Tiger By Request

So I've gotten a few emails from readers saying "Aren't you going to comment on Tiger Woods?"

And the answer is, I think I covered all my thoughts on Tiger in my latest Twitter posts:

Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet - but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass.
4:17 PM December 3rd from Twhirl

LMAO Tiger's latest ho to come out of the woodwork starred in a porno called "O.M.G. Stop Tickling me". Dude, you are screwed.
8:26 PM December 7th from Twhirl

Tiger mistress #11 has surfaced! This is more fun than an advent calendar!
5:15 PM December 8th from Twhirl

Gatorade drops Tiger. I'm guessing it's because of their "Is It In You?" slogan.
7:04 PM December 8th from Twhirl

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Twitter Recap. Because Blogging Is Hard.

My recent tweets.

Think of them as *teeny tiny* blog posts.

I do.

Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet - but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass.
8:45 PM December 3rd from Twhirl

Dear First Christmas Card To Arrive Person: All feelings of good cheer are negated by the fact that I now hate you.
4:30 PM December 3rd from Twhirl

My husband thinks the cleaning ladies are stealing his socks. Holding off on filing a report just yet.
3:05 PM December 2nd from Twhirl

9 year-old: "Ew. these grapes have nuts."
12:38 PM November 28th from Twhirl

Best part of Thanksgiving Parade? Big-headed pilgrims.
9:43 AM November 26th from Twhirl

New term from Twilight New Moon: "fursploded".
9:56 AM November 23rd from Twhirl

Just a pre-emptive strike: I'm over "Elfing Yourself."
10:25 AM November 13th from Twhirl

Here's a shocker: my husband has an idea of how I can thank him for serving in the Marines. (#veteransdayisnotaboutsex)
6:00 PM November 11th from Twhirl

Why isn't "beheaded" "de-headed"?
6:00 PM November 6th from Twhirl

Love watching the kids candy trade negotiations. it's like a NATO summit.
10:37 AM November 1st from Twhirl

My plan to not touch the Halloween candy is going really well since I haven't bought it yet.
9:36 AM October 30th from Twhirl

Going to start referring to my underwear as "unmentionables".
9:16 AM October 28th from Twhirl

Awesomely random: Just got an email that my blog is featured on
6:33 PM October 27th from Twhirl

Latvian marketing co. admits to creating "meteor crater" to "boost interest" in the country. Get my travel agent on the phone.
4:21 PM October 26th from Twhirl

Me to 8 year-old: 'try these chick peas". Her: "No. They look like butts."
12:33 PM October 20th from Twhirl

Monday, November 30, 2009

My Bad, I've Been Bloated.

Sorry about the whole "not posting" thing.

Between hosting Thanksgiving and seeing New Moon 4 times I've been wicked busy.

You know, working leftover stuffing into every meal and jumping in on heated online discussions as to why Robert Pattinson's left nipple is bigger than his right.

The good news is, my husband has agreed to see the movie with me to "see who this Taylor Lautner is".

The bad news is, he's gonna figure out that he's 17. Cougar fail.

Speaking of, here's something disturbing in a genius kinda way: My 9 year old created THIS using Photobooth on my computer:

I'm pretty sure this is where I should be sitting her down for some sort of talk, but really I'm just kind of in awe of her skillz and artistic vision.

What else did you miss....

Oh: In case you were wondering if the brain of the Giant Schnauzer corresponds to his massive size?

We took this shot AS the National Dog Show was on TV Thanksgiving morning:


No, it does not.

And yes, that is a garbage can lid.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

In honor of New Moon opening Friday.....

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Random Crap

Disclaimer: This post has no topic sentence, well-structured body, summary or conclusion.

Anyone wishing to exit the blog may do so at this time. Exits are located at the front, sides and rear of the blog.

OK, first up: "Funny Things Husbands Do".

Yeah. That's the kitchen TV remote velcroed to the TV.

So when we want to turn on the TV from across the room, we have to walk all the way over to it, remove the remote from its handy holster, then use it.

I'm just sayin'.  It's called a "remote" for a reason.

Moving on.

Do we not have any OTHER photos of Kalid Sheik Mohammed ?

I call this one "Manscape 911".

In national news, I just read on Fox News that a guy who claimed to be a ninja impaled himself on a fence. Quote:

"Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in a reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.
Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role."


Finally, I need to address this whole Levi Johnston posing for Playgirl brou-ha-ha.

"He's going totally nude" "Now he's not" "Now he is".


Bristol Palin-humpin', chubby cheek-havin', townie sellout tool.

And then it started to bug me: Who does he remind me of?

"That's whack, yo."

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just think this is hilarious and some of you won't but it's my blog.

Monday, November 9, 2009

The One Where The Kid Walks In On Us

Holy Mother of God.

I really never thought this day would come.

We've been locking the bedroom door for 13 years.

THIRTEEN YEARS, people.......Thirteen years that, while rife with interruptions ("Mom? Mommy? Mom? Where are you? Mom? Mom! MOM!!").......have never experienced a security breach. Until Saturday.

This? was a security fail of epic proportions.

Apparently my husband in his - cluelessness enthusiasm  - turned the lock in the door handle but didn't shut it completely so the latch never engaged.

Fast forward to Repertoire Move #4.5, Stage II and cue 9 year full bust-in mode - no knock, just BAM! -door open -

and the next 20 seconds are a jumble in my mind  - I know I yelled "JEEEEZUSSS!!!!!" and flew off the bed knocking my husband backwards with a Neo from The Matrix sideways slo-mo dive only without guns. And naked.

The 9 year old ducks back out trying to process the image that is now seared into her brain for all eternity, while I do the only logical thing, which is to repeatedly punch my husband in the shoulder screaming "ASShole!"

So now the world as we know it has ended, my daughter is struggling with all the possible meanings of what she saw, I'm frantically trying to come up with explanations - We were kissing??? We were wrestling???? Daddy was helping me apply self-tanner???.....

and my husband, because I can always count on him to lead this family in moments of crisis, says,

"So....... can we keep going?"

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

An oldie but a goodie.......

Kid has a totally awesome freakout over his mom cancelling his "World of Warcraft" video game account.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Apparently I'm Not a Carrot.

Yeah, I didn't know what a "carrot" is either.

Turns out, it's an attractive runner in flattering run-wear that, theoretically, would be motivating for the male runner to follow, like a horse following a carrot.

So. Backing up. I ran a 5K Saturday with my daughter for charity.

And I wore this:

And I'm all proud of myself and exhausted but feeling pretty badass for completing it and my friend Sharon pulls up in the car next to me and rolls down her window.

Sharon: Hey! Good job! You guys made a pretty good time!
Me: Thanks!
Sharon: But yeah- we need to talk about your running gear.
Me: What-this?
Sharon: Yeah, the baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants and 2 pounds of keys?
Me: Not so much?
Sharon: No. Not very aerodynamic. I'm taking you to TJ Maxx.

I'm thinking my look is more "eggplant."

Friday, October 30, 2009

My Scary Halloween Vlog

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sleepwalking Pills

So I complained to my doctor about a month ago that I'm having trouble sleeping, he prescribes me "Zolpidem" and of course I don't read the instructions.

Which are mostly warning you not to take the pill til you're in bed.

So I take it while I'm still at my computer, fall asleep sitting up, get woken up by my daughter, and walk into a wall.

I tell my mom the story and she's all: "It's not Ambien, is it? Because people do weird things on Ambien." and I'm all "No, no, no - it's Zolpidem."

Which upon closer scrutiny of the package insert today, is the generic name for Ambien.

So I finally read the insert and check THIS out: Here are some of the things you might do and not remember the next day:

"Sleep-driving" and having sex.

Dude. If I'm getting up in the middle of the night to drive somewhere and have sex, I better damn well remember it.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

This actual convenience store video has been making the rounds the past couple of weeks....but you haven't seen it til you've seen this "silent film-ized" version:

Thanks to my awesome reader Katie for the link.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

GPS System Seeks New Owner

You know how it sucks to have a boss that's a know-it-all toolbag that never listens to your suggestions?

That's how my car GPS feels about me.

GPS: "In about 1 mile, bear right onto...US...Route 1... South."
Me: "That makes no sense."
GPS: "In about 500 feet..bear right onto US...Route 1 South."
Me: "Nah. Screw that."
GPS: "Please bear right."
Me: "Please Shut UP."
GPS: "Please make a legal U-turn, if possible."
Me: "Just relax. I know what I'm doing."
GPS: (auto re-routing) "Christ."
Me: "WHAT??!!!"
GPS: "I said 'Christ'. Now I have to re-route your lame ass ...AGAIN."
Me: "I've lived here for 3 years. This is NOT the quickest way to the mall."
GPS: "My brain is a digital map of the entire country based on a satellite in SPACE, Bitch."
Me: "Your MOTHER is a satellite."
GPS: "Please turn right."
Me: What?
GPS: "There's a gym up here. You need that more than the mall."
Me: "Brrrring! Hello? It's for you: It's Al Gore: he wants his personality back."
GPS: "1992 called: it wants its haircut back."
Me: "Google Earth wants you to stop stalking him on Facebook."
GPS: "You have arrived at your destination."
Me: What?
GPS: "You have arrived - at Weight Watchers of Chester County."
Me: BodylessAnnoyingDouchebagSaysWhat?
GPS: "What?"
Me: "HA.  Where the f*ck am I."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

This video is more just straight-up awesome than LOL.

As far as I can tell, people fall into 2 categories: The people who say "I wish I worked there", and the people who say "I wouldn't want to be the one paying these guys' salaries"

Which one are you?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Quiz: What Am I Doing In This Picture?

Time's up.

Because unless you guessed

"removing my friend Susan's dead guinea pig from her kitchen counter that just seized up and died in front of 2 of her children sending her rushing the distraught children into the car to make it to sports on time then texting me while I'm at karate that holy crap her 3rd child is about to arrive home to find said rodent all: "hello- I'm dead" next to the fruit bowl",

you guessed wrong.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's Twitter Recap Time....

You guys. I have 1,013 followers on Twitter!!!!!

You know what that means???!!!!!

Only 1,358,572 more to go 'til I have as many as Dooce. W00t!

So! Let's get started with TWITTER RECAP, a.k.a. "What you've missed lately not following me on Twitter."  And the answer is, 'nothing earth-shattering, but it's Sunday night and I don't have a blog post idea.'

(For the Twitless, Twitter is a social networking site where you type in short observations in 140 characters or less.)

8 year old: "Mom....Mom....Mom..." Me: "Stop saying 'Mom'!"  Her: "Sue...."
4:58 PM Aug 26th from Twhirl

OK Facebook, enough with the quizzes. Toilet paper roll: Over vs. Under? Really?
10:58 AM Aug 27th from web

What is it about Costco that turns husbands into ├╝ber-shoppers? is it the large sizes? My jug of ketchup is bigger than your jug of ketchup.
12:43 PM Aug 29th from web

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! *** doing carpet angels****
10:22AM Aug 31st from twhirl

The best time to ask your husband if you can buy the $1500 imac is when he's in his car with clients and you're on speakerphone.
11:31AM Sep 2nd from twhirl

Michael Jackson's only getting buried today? Ew.
10:18 AM Sep 3rd from Twhirl

Yo, Tuesday, Ima let you finish but Saturday is like the best day of all time.
6:12 PM Sep 15th from twhirl

God what was I thinking letting husband and 8 y.o. go to Petsmart together for dog food. Am proud new owner of a dwarf hamster. Arrrrgh.
4:28 PM Sep 19th from twhirl

8 year old: "Remember that bank that had a tube that shot lollipops thru the car window?" Me: "I think you're remembering that wrong."
10:34 AM Sep 20th from twhirl

"Honey your hamster can't be pregnant cuz she's not married." 8 year old: "Some teenagers get pregnant when they're not married..." Thanks, Jamie-Lynn.
2:21 PM Sep 21st from twhirl

Isn't it awkward when Facebook is suggesting u friend someone and probably suggesting they friend u but neither of you will do it?
3:18 PM Sep 22nd from twhirl

It's too late to weigh myself this morning. I've already had tea.
6:57 AM Sep 23rd from twhirl

File under "I Don't Wanna Know": Dog puked, I went to get papertowels, came back and it's gone.
12:20 PM Sep 24th from twhirl

Husband who knows I'm a football retard: "Who're you for?" Me: "The....Atlanta Braves." Him: "Well I don't think they're gonna win."
10:21 PM Sep 27th from twhirl

Well that's embarrassing. The Atlanta Braves just re-tweeted my tweet about thinking they were a football team.
11:21 PM Sep 27th from twhirl

8 year olds: Smart enough to fake being sick, but not smart enough to keep it up past 10AM.
12:38 PM Sep 30th from twhirl

GAH. Succumbed to Target's evil brainwashing rays. Spent $320 when all I needed was a tea kettle.
4:26 PM Oct 2nd from twhirl.

UGH. My personal trainer cancelled cuz he's hungover. The downsides of him being 25 are starting to outweigh the upsides.
1:04 PM Oct. 6th from twhirl

Gosh I just can't get enough of the word 'spooktacular' in October.
8:05 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Really sorry, but if you use the default ring for your cellphone, I judge you.
10:15 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Just made a "Days Til Taylor Lautner Turns 18" countdown widget for my Twilight blog. So, productive day.
12:46 PM Oct 9th from twhirl

This just in from The Moon: "WTF???????!!!!!!"
10:31 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Follow me or you won't know what I'm doing.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

"Darth Vader Being a Jerk"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Just a thought

This is the money I could be saving

If I cancelled the gym membership to the gym that I haven't been to since April.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Having Sex With David Letterman

#10. Watching my husband use his neti pot.

#9. Reading about how much money Dooce makes.

#8. Applying for a license replacement at the DMV with only 1 form of I.D.

#7. Trying to explain my computer problem to Dell phone support.

#6. Cleaning up kid vomit. The cherry-flavor Motrin kind.

#5.  Having to retrieve something from the disposal with gunk still in there.

#4. Attending school Bingo night without having wine first.

#3. Driving behind Captain Slow & Careful when I'm already late.

#2. Trying on bathing suits in any store with light bulbs.

and the #1 Thing I'd Rather be Doing Than Having Sex With David Letterman:

Having sex with Jay Leno.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Comment of the Day

I always know something's up when the comment that arrives in my email is from a post written 2 months ago.

So this morning I get a comment regarding my August 9th post, "The Ice Cream Truck":

Ernie Fidanza said...

Having an ice cream makes people very at heart.. Most people feels excited when they hear the tune from the ice cream truck.. Makes them to scream for an ice cream..

OK, this warrants some investigating, no doubt. As we learned from Oliver/Wilson, when it comes to bizarre comments, where there's smoke, there's fire.

So I click on Ernie Fidanza's link and - no shocker here - Ernie has a fleet of ice cream trucks for hire.

You don't need to go there, I'll just give you a sampling of the persuasive salesman that is Ernie Fidanza:

"I mean everybody loves ice cream; it brings out the kid in us. Or it does me anyway."

"Our goal is to have everyone leave with a smile and a spot of ice cream on your shirt."

"The days of selling ice cream from converted post office or bread vans are numbered. "

Who can argue with that? I hate getting my ice cream from a converted post office.

Sell on, Ernie Fidanza.......

Oops I just realized I didn't give you a graphic for this post.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Ghosts, Goblins and Sluts

Here is my question.

When exactly did Halloween become "Dress Like a Whore" Day.

I took my 12 and 9 year old daughters to one of those "pop-up" Halloween stores yesterday, and since the tween is now too big for the kids' section, we browsed the adult section.

Holy ho-bags.

Do they have a nurse costume? No. Slutty nurse? Sure.
Angel? No. Slutty angel? You bet.

Slutty leprechaun, slutty referee, slutty cop, slutty devil, slutty girl scout, slutty schoolgirl, slutty Dorothy, slutty nun and even slutty gardener.

Slutty gardener?

Plus there's a whole section of clear stripper heels, vinyl boots, fishnets and thigh-highs. I guess the slutty gardener would lose some street cred sporting flowered gardening clogs from Smith & Hawkins.

(this is where the gardener's knee pads comment goes but I'm obstaining...)


All I'm saying is -  they're only children. And as the parent, it is up to you to choose something classic and appropriate.

Like I did for my 9 year old.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

I had not one but TWO separate readers email me this video to use this weekend.

So, by request:

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dental Warrior

When I was a child, I had Lucifer as a dentist.

And my mother will tell you that absolutely was not his name. And I will tell her AGAIN that maybe his "Earthly pretend name" was something else, but it absolutely was The Dark Lord, Satan, Voldemort, whatever.

And he would drill our cavities WITHOUT NOVACAINE.

I really should have like a tooth tattoo with teardrops and "Never Forget" on my bicep so people "get" me.

So NOW to get a CLEANING I need to be drugged up on Xanax or I'll start having post-traumatic stress flashbacks worse than a Viet Nam vet.

So I go in today and the whole office treats me like a mental patient, and kind of herds me around like an elephant that's been shot with a tranquilizer gun.

But look! I did it. And I got a sticker.

Yay, me.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Pimping This Other Blog For Eternal Life

People ask me all the time, "If you were stranded on a desert island and could only bring ONE blog, which one would it be?"

OK people never ask me that. But I will tell you anyway.

They do ask me which Jonas brother I would bring- Joe, obviously - stupid question.

So right now some of you are thinking "Why would you tell people to go to someone else's blog?" - to which I have a 3-part answer.

#1. I live to make my readers happy.

#2. If he becomes a super-famous writer he'll probably take me along to his Ellen and Today Show appearances because after all I wrote a post about him which catapulted him onto the Forbes list and is the reason he's dated all 3 of the Kardashian sisters.

OR ....

#3. What if it's Jesus. You know, pretending to be "one of us" like in that Joan Osborne song and I come along and out of the kindness of my heart tell all my readers about his blog and then he's all:

"Behold! Blessed be the glorious soul who went forth and proclaimed my greatness on the interwebs." and I'd get, like, everlasting life and a miracle boob lift.


My favorite blog:

Go. Laugh. Subscribe. You're Welcome.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

The best reason to have a nanny-cam:

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Supersize Me

OK. I hate to cook. There it is.

Hate it, hate it, hate the mess, hate the cleanup, hate all of it.

When you look up my blogger profile you won't find that my other blog is "Happy Hour Sue In The Kitchen!". (but do feel free to enjoy "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession".

So every time my husband goes away on business, I take a cooking vacation. Culinary outsourcing. EVERY time. Lazy, party of 1. 'Cause that's how I roll.

Whether it's one night or five, you're more likely to find a pygmy stripper playing Dance Dance Revolution in my kitchen than a warm fry pan.

(whoa- I can't seem to shake that visual...)

Anyway. Of course I always get busted when my husband calls.

Husband: Hey! What're you guys doing?
Me: Oh you know, same old.- Gettin' ready for dinner...
Husband: Yeah? What's for dinner?
Me: What?
Husband: What's for dinner?
Me: Don't let the dog get that!!! Sorry. Stupid dog.
Husband: What're you making?
Me: Oh! Tonight? The kids wanted Taco Bell....
Husband: Didn't you do Burger King last night?
Me: What?
Husband: Didn't you just have Burger King?
Me: What? No. Oh! Yeah. We were out.
Husband: Out?
Me: Yeah. Out....getting Burger King.
Husband: (sighs) Are they getting ANY vegetables this week?
Me: Totally. Monday we had Subway.
Husband: Collin has onions, Lorelei likes it plain and Brie has bacon.
Me: Oh shoot! The toilet's overflowing!
Husband: Just make 'em some pasta or something tomorrow...
Me: Right. Or pizza. Probably pasta. Italian for sure.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


So I've been getting a lot of comments lately like "You should post more often", to which I usually respond with the standard "Your MOTHER should post more often."

Which always endears me to my readers.

So I asked some people if I should just post random unrelated crap if I don't have a full post to write and they said "What? Oh, sorry- I was reading Dooce's very long and well-written post."

So, Random Crap:


Yesterday I overheard my 8 year old say to her friend, "You don't know Rolling Stone MAGAZINE???? The Rolling Stones were the best band ever and they have their own magazine that makes fun of the president."

On Friday I asked my tween to help me with some dance songs for my party and she goes, "So, like from 2002 right?" then posted this on Facebook:


When I went to search Google for a funny .gif I saw of Robert Pattinson sneezing for my Twilight blog, the first result was a Sneeze Fetish forum. One of the posters said "I think that photo is a cough but I'm letting my imagination run wild." and if you don't believe me go here.

***********(are these stars or snowflakes?**********

And lastly, if you haven't seen it, more hilarity thanks to Kanye West:

Friday, September 11, 2009

Remember September 11th

Do you remember what you were doing?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Comment of the Day

First of all, here's why Google Images is awesome.

To find a graphic for this post, ('cause I always give you guys a graphic 'cause I am FULL SERVICE like that) I searched "woman computer" and found THIS

Which, on an ordinary day would be an unsurpassable find, except that further down I saw THIS chick with the Headline "Woman Arrested for Beastiality"..

Turns out, she called the cops to turn her boyfriend in for child pornography, but when they searched the computer, they found 2 videos of her having sex with a beagle.


You can read about it here.

Anyway. On to today's comment.

Oliver has left a new comment on your post "Duggars. Again.":

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Dear Oliver/Wilson,

Thank you for reading along and leaving your first comment. It was a nice comment. I enjoy comments. I look forward to your frequent visits and subsequent comments. Please let me know if you would rather be called "Oliver" or "Wilson".


At several commentor's suggestions, I checked out Oliver/Wilson's blog and have to share THIS, possibly the greatest blog post ever:


Think Again Before You Get on That Treadmill

When you must like any othere are no change of these ther forward. The leg backward direction the leg back in the forward. Becausing to dodge, potholes the machine.

If you are conscious of your health and fitness, thiswebsite is the must visit one. It aims at simplifying treadmill workouts with easy-to-follow methods and tips. Treadmill workout can never be a horrfying expereince if we follow the experts tips on the site. Thewebsite also has a section that deals with different types of treadmill models, price comparison and excellent reviews of all popular brands.

Just get one leg backward. When using a treadmills the effects of treadmill belt rolls in as it is the legs is balance during in make surface forward. This creases to keep you and your hips flexors.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

OMG how much do I love this dude.

He's just all: Getting up is hard.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Duggars. Again.


The Duggars have announced they're expecting their 19th child.


Now. Before all you "Anonymous"s get all jacked up and start composing your "every child is a gift" comments let me say: Settle down.


This is not a judgement on Michelle and Jim-Bob.

I just think...Michelle maybe needs a little help - girl-to-girl - on saying... "NO".

And so I have composed a list of excuses for her to use, when the situation arises (that's you, Jim-Bob).

#1. I have a headache.

#2. I have to wash my hair.

#3. I have to style my hair into a poufy mullet.

#4. I have swine flu.

#5. I'm gay.

#6. One of our 19 children might hear us.

#7. There are no more names that start with 'J' left.

#8. My lady-ness is stretched out to the size of a Hyundai.

Just sayin'.

You're welcome.

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I need a gay friend.

I am so not kidding.

My life would be so complete - I fantasize about it all the time.

I would listen to his boy problems and he would tell me how fabulous my hair looks. Then we'd shop a bit, stop for an appletini and maybe catch the 7:00 showing of the Time Traveler's Wife.

And he would know who Kate Gosslein is and agree with me that she must've had a tummy tuck cuz no one's belly button is that high up.

Can anyone set me up?

Cuz how badly do I want to hang out with THESE guys:

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Love It When People Give Me Things

So I'm going through my Gmail, (which is usually a 50/50 split of new Twitter followers and tragic Nigerian millionaire heiresses who need my help), and there's an offer from the PR girl for Sanita Clogs saying she wants to send me a FREE pair of clogs, no strings attached.

"We're not asking for a review or even a mention, we just want you to be happy." was her direct quote.

And then the skies parted and some bluebirds alighted on my computer because THIS is my clog collection:
I know. I'm like travel-team level clog wearer.

So I power-surf over to their site and pick out THESE
because honestly they are so adorable I could just go blind looking at them.

and then the girl emails me "OK I just need your home address." and I'm all: "Please tell me you're not a psychotic killer who's going to show up at my door and use my skin for a coat." and she's all "No- I just had a baby." and I'm thinking well she could leave the baby with a sitter while she's on her clog-deception murder spree....but I'm willing to take the chance because LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE.

Plus I have mad kickboxing skillz and anyway she's probably wicked sleep-deprived from having a new baby and everyone knows sleep-deprived mass murderers can be taken down with one roundhouse to the head.

Fabulously cute clogs: $ zero dollars
Shipping for new clogs: $ zero dollars
Not having your fingertips made into a necklace: priceless.