Thursday, October 30, 2008

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle: Lint.

Times are tough, people.

The economy is hittin' the skids faster than a Big Wheel-drivin' 3-year-old on a downhill driveway. 

So it's time to get creative and look at things in a new way.

Today's topic: Lint!

The next time your husband yells that you're going to start a dryer fire you remove the lint, save it! There are many uses for lint around the house:


Tea Cozy.

Golf Club Cover.

BG blanket.

and just in time for Halloween:
Hamster Costume!

Trick or treat. I'm lint.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Why Dogs Hate Halloween

Honestly. The crap I put up with.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Name Evolution

So if you haven't heard, Beyonce has adopted a new name and wants her fans to refer to her from now on as "Sasha Fierce".

Um, I'm not sure if I qualify as a 'fan', but: No.  I will not be doing that.

And you can tell your partner-in-egocentricity Sean Combs  Puff Daddy  Puffy  P.Diddy   Diddy  Sean John that I am referring to him from here on as "D-bag".

So you can pretty much guess how I felt about THIS:


The only time name evolution is cool is for dogs. Then it's like, inevitable.

Dog name: Duke

Dog Name Evolution:



Sir Duke

The DukeMan



Duke of Fuzzingham



The Fuzzster


Fuzzbuster & the Fuzztones



...and people are all: "Your dog's name is Butthead??"

and you're all: "No....'Duke'."

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Groundhog Day

It's Groundhog Day. Again.

6:00am - 6:45am: Pit crew for launch of teen and tween to school bus.
7:00am - 8:00am: Pit crew for launch of 2nd grader to school bus.
8:00am on: Emails /Posting /Commenting /Twitter /Workout /Shower /Grocery Store /Dry Cleaner /Post Office /Laundry /Phonecalls /Vacuuming /More Laundry /Clean Kitchen /Kids' Rooms /Phonecalls /Emails /Twitter /More Cleaning /More Laundry /Husband's errands /Bills /Emails /Tween from bus stop /snack for tween /homework /2nd grader from bus stop /snack for 2nd grader / homework /prepare dinner /Soccer practice /dance /make dinner /serve dinner /clean dishes /supervise homework /computer /kids to bed /bed.

Repeat.  Copy & paste. & Paste. & Paste. & Paste.

I keep washing the clothes, but they keep coming back.

I keep vacuuming the kitchen, but the crumbs and the goldfish and those little plastic tabs from the milk carton tops keep reappearing.

What about THIS day, universe?:

6:00am: husband whispers - "Don't get up, Hon - you sleep in, I'll get the kids off to school."

8:00am Shuffle down to kitchen, where husband has left me breakfast and a note: "sorry - we were out of mangoes, but I hope you like the fruit salad. Have a terrific day - signed, the Luckiest Guy in the World. xoxox."

9:00 Kickboxing at the gym. Mark Wahlberg is surprise guest instructor. Asks me out for coffee afterwards.

11:00-2:00 Clothes shopping at the mall. Score perfect Christmas presents at the same time.

2:00-3:00 Hot stone massage
3:00-4:00 Facial with aromatherapy.

5:00 Check emails: Random House wants to make a book from my blog. $200,000 advance. Wants to know if I could go on the Today Show to promote it. Warns me that the studio might be a little crazy that day because of Jonas Brothers appearance. I'll just have to wait in green room with Josh Holloway, if that's OK.

6:00-8:00 Dinner with husband at hip new restaurant. Mark Wahlberg at next table: We joke about kickboxing class. Don't mention coffee.

9:00 Watch Grey's Anatomy with husband and a glass of expensive wine.

10:30 bed.

Wait. I lost the kids in there somewhere. Um...throw in a nanny around 3pm.

Thanks, Universe. I'll be waiting.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Flat Stanley's Hotter Brother


File Under:
Projects undertaken solely to make my children happy; having nothing whatsoever to do with me. Or my blog.

Start with:
High School Musical 3 life-size cardboard cutout of Zac Efron from Blockbuster.

Flat Joe.

Aww, look how happy she is!!!!!
She can keep him up in her room....

Unless it doesn't really go with her decor...

In which case I'll just keep him it in my office.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Picture Day

Don't worry, this is not my child.
Or me.

Here's what I need. A large, neon laminated sign that reads:
"Remember: School Pictures Suck. Do Not Order."

But no. Every September the big order form arrives via backpack. With a matrix of options so complicated you need a PhD in statistics to decipher it.

Traditional gray or color?
Traditional color or Vibrant color?
Traditional Vibrant or Vibrant with Lightning Bolts?
Natural or Zit-Erasure?

Package A)
1 class photo, (11) 8x10's, (23) 5x7's, (50) 4x6's, (150) 2x3's and (5000) 1x2's.

$78.50 That seems fair.


They should just name the packages
Package A "The Suck"
Package B "The Lame"
Package C "The Fugly" and
Package D "Not My Child".

But every year, we pick out The Outfit, do The Hair, send them to school with a brush, cross our fingers with the highest of expectations for The Fugly with vibrant fuschia lightning bolts. Minus 3 5x7's. Plus keychain.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

MORE Keyword Korner

Hey, kids! More fun with Google Analytics!

I know I just did a Keyword Korner last month, but it's like the gift that keeps on giving.

(Cliff Notes: Google Analytics gives you detailed info on your blog traffic - most awesomely, words or phrases that people typed into Google, that landed them on your blog.)

Also, I did not make this stuff up: anyone who doubts its validity just email me and I'll give you my GA password.


"What is that little bag next to my pee pee"

Mom, you might want to install some child-security software.

"starting to get hair on my peenie"

OK, ALL moms- security software STAT.

"blogspot MILF soup"

Dude- are you hungry or horny.

"Halloween meals with no eggs"

Oooh. That's a tough one. ALL my Halloween meals are made with eggs.

"Tweeting my ass off"

OK, yes, I'll own that one...BTW to follow me on Twitter, just click over there-->

"Joe Jonas Sue Chardonnay"

Love this - clearly someone who wants to get to my blog but can't remember the title.

"Joe Jonas unibrow"

WHAT?! How dare you. Look at this picture:

OK. Wrong picture.

Look at THIS picture:

You are WRONG, unibrow-accuser.

"Milf with black men"

What, no soup?

"chubby MILF"

Hey!!! Why'd they send you to ME?

"oh is happy hour still makes me so good spen my time i'll broken heart happy happy hours."

Um..........Dude? I don't think you really understand Google- maybe you should try a chat room. Or Adult Friend Finder. 

Just watch out for Christie Brinkley's ex.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Bear Market, Bear Market, What Do You See?

Bear Market, Bear Market what do YOU see?
I see Bank Closures looking at me.

Bank Closures, Bank Closures, what do YOU see?
I see Fannie Mae looking at me.

Fannie Mae, Fannie Mae, what do YOU see?
I see Foreclosures looking at me.

Foreclosures, Foreclosures, what do YOU see?
I see Sub Prime Mortgages looking at me.

Sub-Prime, Sub-Prime, what do you see?
I see the Community Reinvestment Act looking at me.

CRA, CRA, what do YOU see?
I see Interest Rates looking at me.

Interest Rates, Interest Rates, what do YOU see?

Uh..... I see a red bird, a yellow duck, a blue horse, a green frog, a purple cat, a white dog, a black sheep, a gold fish, a teacher and some children......

pretty sure it's the fish's fault.

Monday, October 13, 2008

What Britney Was Thinking

The AP reported today that Britney Spears has had some unexpected clarity regarding her behavior in the past 2 years.

In an interview for MTV, to air November 30th, she is quoted as saying:

"I sit there and look back and I'm like, 'I'm a smart person. What the hell was I thinking?'"

What was she thinking? Let's review:

"Lord, y'all. If Ahm gonna get to Burger King before they stop servin' them dee-lushus sausage sammiches, I got no time for bucklin' this here baby."

"Well what are y'all lookin' at- cain't a girl get her drink on - just cuz I'm a momma now don't mean I cain't Par-Taayyy- WHOA!!!!!
"Dang it- that'll be in the En-quirer. 
Shoot, this baby gots one bobbly head. 
Someone grab my cocktail."

"Ah am one sexy bitch. No you ain't. 
Who said that? I want cheese fries."

"Venti 3-pump caramel mocha frappaccino with whip cream, my hot man, and my party hair. Ahm fixing to jump him lahk a chicken on a June bug."

"GimmeeeGimmeee.......Gimmeee and step, 2,3-whoa!sheeeesh......'sall fuzzy in here...wooops! uhhh..who's that chubby girl on the monitor?  Gimmeee....wait, what?
Dang this stage is tilted......"

"Are we on a rocket ship? Peas are fun. I forgot to yodel today. Don't unbuckle my ski boots..Where's my turtle?"   

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Back From NYC!!

I'm back like Britney, bitches.

Spent the 4-day weekend visiting my sister and mom in the Big Apple, now re-named the BG Apple:

Portrait of 2 cultural icons:
the Bathtub Gangsta and The Empire State Building
(btw, we lost his shades...somewhere on Broadway 
a street vendor is hawking an itty bitty pair of glasses for $10 )

So I thought I could slip quietly away and take a blog-vacation without anyone noticing. Put up a post the day I left from my first week of blogging when I had like 4 readers. (As NBC says, "If You Haven't Seen It, It's New To You")...

By the second day, McMommy is Direct-Tweeting me in a NYC taxi "Where ARE you? Why aren't you posting?" And Back to Barnwell  is calling me out in my own comments section "you posted this already!" Crap.

In retrospect, I should have announced I was going and brought back Statue of Liberty foam crowns for everyone.

Took the double-decker bus tour, saw all the historic landmarks and freaked out the most at THIS:
The Project Runway design studio!!!!!!!!!!!!(really. The guide told us.)

Stopped by the site of the Hot Blogger Calendar shoot, and left a wreath in memory of the Not Quite Hot Enough .

Back to my sister's apartment, where you can see 1) a spectacular view of the Empire State building,  and
2) that we share the same green thumb: check out her Potted Death Sticks. Of course, being a Vice President at Goldman Sachs gives her a little wiggle room in the gardening department - unlike me, who has no excuse for this:

I was busy blogging.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Waiting Room Time Suck

Yesterday I had my annual Ob/Gyn checkup, or, more accurately, my annual visit to the Ob/Gyn Waiting Room. 

Because let's face it, it's an annual appointment to sit and read magazines quietly with strangers. Ending in a check-out room involving paper clothes and small talk.

You would think after decades of doctor visits, I would learn to bring my own reading material. But I don't, and I'm left choosing between Working Mother and Field and Stream. WTF. Where are all these fishing physicians coming from. And the whole "Working Mother" thing just seems to be mocking me wherever I go. 

After 45 minutes, the Fake-out Nurse comes through the door and calls my name. The Fake-out Nurse's sole purpose is to trick you into thinking you're next. You are so not next. She simply leads to you another smaller, more naked waiting room. 

On the way of course is the pit-stop at The SCALE. You know - the one invented in the 1800's with the Sliding Chunks of Doom. Dude -  you expect me to just step up on a scale MID-DAY with all my clothes and shoes on????? That is just uncalled for. Everyone knows your true weight is first thing in the morning, before breakfast, after peeing, no clothes. Fake-out Nurse proclaims my weight out loud - (Bitch!)-, which is my cue to act nonchalant, as if this pronouncement has not totally plunged me into a fat-panic so far-reaching that I will not hear a word the doctor has to say.

On to Waiting Room #2, where she instructs me on disrobing and pledges that the doctor will be "right in". The doctor will not be right in. In fact, feel free to call your college roommate, start your taxes or take a nap. They could at least provide me with a cup of crayons to draw on the paper table-liner like they do at Chili's. 

Grand Total:
Wait time: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Examination time: 4 minutes
Wall clock time checks: 18
Mental beauty makeovers of receptionists: 3
Presumptuous assessments of couples' relationships: 4
Envious feelings towards pregnant women: 0
Fantasies of indignant protest over wait time: 5
Actual indignant protests: 0

And so, in the end, Receptionist-Who'd-Look-Better-With-a-Stylish-Bob writes me an appointment card for a year from now. When, like the pain of childbirth, I will have forgotten about the wait and once again brought nothing to read. Good times.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Hamster Warning

Today, the American Academy of Pediatrics came out with a report warning that families with young children should not keep hamsters, due to the risk of salmonella and other illnesses.

The dog weighed in:

But so did the hamsters.

To which the dog responded:

and the hamsters retaliated with: