Monday, January 25, 2010

Some Things You Can't Un-See.

So originally this post was going to be about Octomom being on the cover of Star Magazine in a bikini.

and I was even going to photoshop her hanging out with E-man, enjoying some SeaRay Living.

"Who wants a brewski"

but I got all kinds of distracted when I came upon THIS:




I understand I'm obviously a little late to the party here.

But THAT is not right.

Dakota Fanning could fit in there.

It's like an alien space boob that's going to take over the world.

See? I did Photoshop after all.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Weekend LOL Video

LMAO I know this is old but it cracks me up every time.


Thursday, January 21, 2010

Twitter Recap - Now With Bonus Tutorial!

It's time for Twitter recap because A) You guys need to know what I'm tweeting and B) I don't have a blog post idea.

For anyone STILL saying WTF is Twitter, there's a tutorial at the end from the awesome explainers at "In Plain English".

This just in: John Edwards IS father of lovechild. In other news: World not flat.
9:30 AM Jan 20th from Twhirl

9 y.o. has pantyliner wrapped around her thumb to help stop sucking it. "There's a whole box of these bandages under the sink."
7:01 PM Jan 19th from Twhirl

"and they smell really good."
7:02 PM Jan 19th from Twhirl

I can't hold my tongue any longer. I don't think "Pants on the Ground" is THAT funny.
10:06 PM Jan 17th from Twhirl

Great. Husband just walked in and my computer screen was on "Channing Tatum's Penis Scalded in Accident."
1:08 PM Jan 16th from Twhirl

Vanity Fair has sweaty shirtless Tiger Woods on cover. Still pass.
3:23 PM Jan 10th from Twhirl

Am I the only one who doesn't give a flying f*ck about Jay Leno and his time slots?
2:33 Jan 10th from Twhirl

Is Cupid a baby or a midget?
5:51 PM Jan 8th from Twhirl

No, Kidz Bop, you may not "Sing the Beatles".
6:30 Dec 28th from Twhirl

Just called my dog a 'dickwad'. That's not cool.
5:06 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl

Altho in my defense, he was being a total dickwad.
5:07 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl

Too awesome to make up: Just found out my daughter's bus driver's name is Mr. Horn
3:28 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl

Toaster's broken. Gotta get this over to Sesame Street.
12:24 PM Dec 20th from Twhirl

Just because the Cheetah Girls aren't related doesn't mean they're not sistahs.
5:33 PM Dec 18th from Twhirl

Dear Naked Lady putting on makeup at the Y: Really?
8:03 PM Dec 17th from Twhirl

You know what blows? No matter how hard you slam the phone down, all the other person hears is *click*
4:52 PM Dec 8th from Twhirl

UGH. "The 12 Days of Christmas" is like the "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall" of Christmas carols.
11:02 PM Dec 6th from Twhirl

9 year olds during basketball game: "COACH! COACH!" Coach: "What?" Them : "It's SNOWING!!!!"
3:43 PM Dec 5th from Twhirl

Follow Me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

SeaRay Living

So I'm going through the mail yesterday and for some inexplicable reason, we are still receiving "SeaRay Living" magazine.

We bought a boat 13 years ago.

We sold it 11 years ago.

We live in Pennsylvania now.

Anyways.   I glance at the cover as I'm sorting the mail and go to make my tea. But something's bugging me so I look closer.

What the.

Look. I'm not gonna be gracing the pages of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition any time soon. But who decided THIS guy should be the cover boy?

So now "SeaRay Living" has me intrigued and I flip through the pages...


What the crap.

It's an article about Random Cover Dude. And his SeaRay.

His name's Eric. But I'm guessing he goes by "E-man."

Likes to "hook up" his "bros" with some "brewskis" before they "kick it".

I would give anything to know what the name of the boat is.

My money's on "Chillaxin".

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Weekend LOL Video

"The Snuggler"
 (featuring "Alan' from The Hangover.)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

De-Lurk, Dammit.

How do I know it's Delurker day? Because there's a logo.

Obviously it's very official blog business. The internet says so.

So here's the deal....."de-lurk" means leave a comment.

That means YOU my comment-challenged readers. (Mom). I know it's hard, but just for today so I know you're actually out there.

What's your favorite song? Who's your favorite Jonas brother? What are you wearing? What do you think of Kate's hair extensions? Why don't you know who Kate is?

Pimp your blog....ask me a question (not math)....or just say hey.


.....just....right down there...see where it says "comments"? can do this.....

Monday, January 11, 2010

How I Lost The Baby Weight So Fast

Right now some of you are going- "Wait - I didn't know she had a baby....."

But  I did.

And it was only nine years ago. I know right?

And as of today, I've officially lost the weight already.

OMG, you're saying. How did you do that so fast.

Was it dangerous to lose it so quickly? Maybe. But when I put my mind to something I'm like a crazy person with the dedication.

"So"  -you want to know -  "How Can I Lose the Baby Weight in Nine Short Years?"

Well, I'm gonna tell you how....but keep in mind not everyone will have results this quick.

I call my plan, "9 Months to Put In On, 9 Years to Take it Off". Please consult your doctor before starting this program.


"I just had a baby" is a phrase that will easily buy you a good 3 years. No need to even attempt dieting or working out in years 1-3.


Do you know the best way to reduce stress during childbearing years? Yes - Goldfish. Also bagels, Honeycomb, and those pretzel nuggets that are filled with peanut butter. NEVER throw away your child's half-eaten grilled cheese. There are starving children in Africa for the love of God.


Alcohol should not be factored into your calorie intake during years 1-8 on account of it is  considered a mandatory nutrient for anyone with young children.


This is a crucial part of the 9-Year plan. While you ARE allowed to sign up, get class schedules, buy sneakers, have your ID picture taken and fork out money, DO NOT GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The longer you stay away, the easier it is.


Sometime during Year 9, usually after a routine weigh-in at the doctor's office, reality will bitch-slap you into shelling out a bazillion dollars for a personal trainer and getting it done.

So! To recap, my unique 5-part plan takes nine years and costs 1 bazillion dollars.

You're welcome.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I Know, I Know, I Know.

I haven't blogged since Christmas Day.

This is where it would totally rock to say "I've been in Paraguay building houses with Habitat for Humanity."

But honestly I just have blog-block like you read about.

Here's some news, though: I did announce to my family yesterday that I'm "an Olympic Hopeful".

Technically, since the Winter trials are not final yet, I could still make the team.


My 12 year old wants to know what sport. I say, "Curling, obviously."
Tomorrow I plan to tell the drycleaner that I'm an Olympic Hopeful and see if I get a discount.

Here's something that is good for like 15 straight minutes of hilarity: Find a friend and take turns trying to get your eyebrows to do "the Worm".

Somewhere, Habitat for Humanity just put me on their "Do Not Hire" list.

Which is unfair because while I wouldn't be so much with the nailing and the spackling, I would be an awesome cruise-director and would have beer pong and dance-offs and Martini-of-the-Day and don't even try to tell me that introducing Paraguay to body shots and how to do The Soulja Boy is not as important as dumb houses.

Email me for references, Habitat for Humanity.

If i don't respond right away it's cuz I'm at curling practice.

UPDATE!!!!! how freakin awesome is this- sent in by "anonymous' just now: