Friday, October 30, 2009

My Scary Halloween Vlog

Monday, October 26, 2009

Sleepwalking Pills

So I complained to my doctor about a month ago that I'm having trouble sleeping, he prescribes me "Zolpidem" and of course I don't read the instructions.

Which are mostly warning you not to take the pill til you're in bed.

So I take it while I'm still at my computer, fall asleep sitting up, get woken up by my daughter, and walk into a wall.

I tell my mom the story and she's all: "It's not Ambien, is it? Because people do weird things on Ambien." and I'm all "No, no, no - it's Zolpidem."

Which upon closer scrutiny of the package insert today, is the generic name for Ambien.

So I finally read the insert and check THIS out: Here are some of the things you might do and not remember the next day:

"Sleep-driving" and having sex.

Dude. If I'm getting up in the middle of the night to drive somewhere and have sex, I better damn well remember it.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

This actual convenience store video has been making the rounds the past couple of weeks....but you haven't seen it til you've seen this "silent film-ized" version:

Thanks to my awesome reader Katie for the link.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

GPS System Seeks New Owner

You know how it sucks to have a boss that's a know-it-all toolbag that never listens to your suggestions?

That's how my car GPS feels about me.

GPS: "In about 1 mile, bear right onto...US...Route 1... South."
Me: "That makes no sense."
GPS: "In about 500 feet..bear right onto US...Route 1 South."
Me: "Nah. Screw that."
GPS: "Please bear right."
Me: "Please Shut UP."
GPS: "Please make a legal U-turn, if possible."
Me: "Just relax. I know what I'm doing."
GPS: (auto re-routing) "Christ."
Me: "WHAT??!!!"
GPS: "I said 'Christ'. Now I have to re-route your lame ass ...AGAIN."
Me: "I've lived here for 3 years. This is NOT the quickest way to the mall."
GPS: "My brain is a digital map of the entire country based on a satellite in SPACE, Bitch."
Me: "Your MOTHER is a satellite."
GPS: "Please turn right."
Me: What?
GPS: "There's a gym up here. You need that more than the mall."
Me: "Brrrring! Hello? It's for you: It's Al Gore: he wants his personality back."
GPS: "1992 called: it wants its haircut back."
Me: "Google Earth wants you to stop stalking him on Facebook."
GPS: "You have arrived at your destination."
Me: What?
GPS: "You have arrived - at Weight Watchers of Chester County."
Me: BodylessAnnoyingDouchebagSaysWhat?
GPS: "What?"
Me: "HA.  Where the f*ck am I."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

This video is more just straight-up awesome than LOL.

As far as I can tell, people fall into 2 categories: The people who say "I wish I worked there", and the people who say "I wouldn't want to be the one paying these guys' salaries"

Which one are you?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Quiz: What Am I Doing In This Picture?

Time's up.

Because unless you guessed

"removing my friend Susan's dead guinea pig from her kitchen counter that just seized up and died in front of 2 of her children sending her rushing the distraught children into the car to make it to sports on time then texting me while I'm at karate that holy crap her 3rd child is about to arrive home to find said rodent all: "hello- I'm dead" next to the fruit bowl",

you guessed wrong.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

It's Twitter Recap Time....

You guys. I have 1,013 followers on Twitter!!!!!

You know what that means???!!!!!

Only 1,358,572 more to go 'til I have as many as Dooce. W00t!

So! Let's get started with TWITTER RECAP, a.k.a. "What you've missed lately not following me on Twitter."  And the answer is, 'nothing earth-shattering, but it's Sunday night and I don't have a blog post idea.'

(For the Twitless, Twitter is a social networking site where you type in short observations in 140 characters or less.)

8 year old: "Mom....Mom....Mom..." Me: "Stop saying 'Mom'!"  Her: "Sue...."
4:58 PM Aug 26th from Twhirl

OK Facebook, enough with the quizzes. Toilet paper roll: Over vs. Under? Really?
10:58 AM Aug 27th from web

What is it about Costco that turns husbands into ├╝ber-shoppers? is it the large sizes? My jug of ketchup is bigger than your jug of ketchup.
12:43 PM Aug 29th from web

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! *** doing carpet angels****
10:22AM Aug 31st from twhirl

The best time to ask your husband if you can buy the $1500 imac is when he's in his car with clients and you're on speakerphone.
11:31AM Sep 2nd from twhirl

Michael Jackson's only getting buried today? Ew.
10:18 AM Sep 3rd from Twhirl

Yo, Tuesday, Ima let you finish but Saturday is like the best day of all time.
6:12 PM Sep 15th from twhirl

God what was I thinking letting husband and 8 y.o. go to Petsmart together for dog food. Am proud new owner of a dwarf hamster. Arrrrgh.
4:28 PM Sep 19th from twhirl

8 year old: "Remember that bank that had a tube that shot lollipops thru the car window?" Me: "I think you're remembering that wrong."
10:34 AM Sep 20th from twhirl

"Honey your hamster can't be pregnant cuz she's not married." 8 year old: "Some teenagers get pregnant when they're not married..." Thanks, Jamie-Lynn.
2:21 PM Sep 21st from twhirl

Isn't it awkward when Facebook is suggesting u friend someone and probably suggesting they friend u but neither of you will do it?
3:18 PM Sep 22nd from twhirl

It's too late to weigh myself this morning. I've already had tea.
6:57 AM Sep 23rd from twhirl

File under "I Don't Wanna Know": Dog puked, I went to get papertowels, came back and it's gone.
12:20 PM Sep 24th from twhirl

Husband who knows I'm a football retard: "Who're you for?" Me: "The....Atlanta Braves." Him: "Well I don't think they're gonna win."
10:21 PM Sep 27th from twhirl

Well that's embarrassing. The Atlanta Braves just re-tweeted my tweet about thinking they were a football team.
11:21 PM Sep 27th from twhirl

8 year olds: Smart enough to fake being sick, but not smart enough to keep it up past 10AM.
12:38 PM Sep 30th from twhirl

GAH. Succumbed to Target's evil brainwashing rays. Spent $320 when all I needed was a tea kettle.
4:26 PM Oct 2nd from twhirl.

UGH. My personal trainer cancelled cuz he's hungover. The downsides of him being 25 are starting to outweigh the upsides.
1:04 PM Oct. 6th from twhirl

Gosh I just can't get enough of the word 'spooktacular' in October.
8:05 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Really sorry, but if you use the default ring for your cellphone, I judge you.
10:15 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Just made a "Days Til Taylor Lautner Turns 18" countdown widget for my Twilight blog. So, productive day.
12:46 PM Oct 9th from twhirl

This just in from The Moon: "WTF???????!!!!!!"
10:31 AM Oct 9th from twhirl

Follow me or you won't know what I'm doing.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

"Darth Vader Being a Jerk"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Just a thought

This is the money I could be saving

If I cancelled the gym membership to the gym that I haven't been to since April.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Having Sex With David Letterman

#10. Watching my husband use his neti pot.

#9. Reading about how much money Dooce makes.

#8. Applying for a license replacement at the DMV with only 1 form of I.D.

#7. Trying to explain my computer problem to Dell phone support.

#6. Cleaning up kid vomit. The cherry-flavor Motrin kind.

#5.  Having to retrieve something from the disposal with gunk still in there.

#4. Attending school Bingo night without having wine first.

#3. Driving behind Captain Slow & Careful when I'm already late.

#2. Trying on bathing suits in any store with light bulbs.

and the #1 Thing I'd Rather be Doing Than Having Sex With David Letterman:

Having sex with Jay Leno.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Comment of the Day

I always know something's up when the comment that arrives in my email is from a post written 2 months ago.

So this morning I get a comment regarding my August 9th post, "The Ice Cream Truck":

Ernie Fidanza said...

Having an ice cream makes people very at heart.. Most people feels excited when they hear the tune from the ice cream truck.. Makes them to scream for an ice cream..

OK, this warrants some investigating, no doubt. As we learned from Oliver/Wilson, when it comes to bizarre comments, where there's smoke, there's fire.

So I click on Ernie Fidanza's link and - no shocker here - Ernie has a fleet of ice cream trucks for hire.

You don't need to go there, I'll just give you a sampling of the persuasive salesman that is Ernie Fidanza:

"I mean everybody loves ice cream; it brings out the kid in us. Or it does me anyway."

"Our goal is to have everyone leave with a smile and a spot of ice cream on your shirt."

"The days of selling ice cream from converted post office or bread vans are numbered. "

Who can argue with that? I hate getting my ice cream from a converted post office.

Sell on, Ernie Fidanza.......

Oops I just realized I didn't give you a graphic for this post.