Dancing With The Stars

Here's my problem with Dancing with the Stars.

Ballroom dancing is already pretty lame. Add a host straight from the Miss America Pageant, D-list celebrities and a "house band" and it's like a perfect storm of Cheesiness. 1972 called: It wants it's variety show back.

Cloris Leachman? Ted McGinley? Susan Lucci? What, Bea Arthur wasn't available?

DWTS producers: Put down the Taco Bell, pick up the phone and book somebody interesting!

Do I have suggestions? Of course I do. You don't even have to pay me a percentage.

Dr. 90210, Robert Rey.

To Catch a Predator's Chris Hanson.

The lovely Jennifer Wilbanks, aka The Runaway Bride.

The Burger King dude (as suggested by Deb )

And, helloooo? Six Flags dancin' man?????......

You're welcome.

Halloween 101

A few years ago, my mom had a couple from Sweden move in next door. Come Halloween time, my mom put one large pumpkin and one small one on her front step. The next day, she saw the Swedes had done the same, one large and one small, assuming it was the American tradition. For some reason, I find that beyond hilarious.

That got me thinking: this whole Halloween season must seem so bizarre to foreigners.

Foreigner: So what do I do first?

American: First, get yourself some cornstalks for the front of the house.

Foreigner: From a farm?

American: No, from Michael's. Grab a scarecrow while you're there, too.

Foreigner: But I don't have any crops to guard...

American: You need a scarecrow. Everybody has one.

Foreigner: And where do I get the pumpkin?

American: Well, you could just buy one at the grocery store...but the REAL way to do it is drag the whole family to a "pumpkin farm", stand on line for a hayride, ride a quarter mile out to a field, pose for the Christmas photo, "pick" a pumpkin from the ground, lug it back to the cashier, spend $30 in pies, and go home.

Foreigner: And then I have to carve a face into it?

American : Only if your kids remind you.

Foreigner: OK -and what do I need for Halloween night.

American: Lots of candy. To give to the neighbors' kids.

Foreigner: And what about my kids?

American: They'll be getting candy from the neighbors.

Foreigner: And do they eat all this candy?

American: No. There will be a lot of candy they "don't like".

Foreigner: And what happens to that candy?

American: The moms eat it.

Foreigner: So once you've visited everyone in the neighborhood, and they've oohed and aahhd over your kids' costumes, do you all become friends and socialize on a regular basis?

American: No - we don't speak again til next Halloween.

The Cleaning Ladies

In my world, Thursday rocks. Every single week. 

Because Thursday is when Berta y Lupe come. And they "re-set" my house. Back to 0. Back to neat and shiny and lemony.

And the house looks the way it should, but never does, except for 3pm on Thursdays, when they call out "Ok we leave!" and they drive off into Magic Cleaning-Lady Land in their green Prius.

I love them. I love how they pretend to like me. I love how they know the English word for "pay" but not "papertowel". I even love how they routinely misread the value of things, like putting magazine blowout cards in a cute little pile, or throwing out Pete the cocooning caterpillar from the kitchen windowsill, or tossing my Tag Heuer watch into the toybox. 

It's OK, Berta y Lupe: Te Amo.

I love them so much I'm probably a little off in my imaginary translation of what they're saying.

Berta y Lupe: Esta casa es un lío.

Translation: This house is a pigsty.

My translation: Poor girl-her family makes such a mess.

Berta y Lupe:Hay tanto pelo en el cuarto de baño.

Translation: The amount of hair in the bathroom could create a new dog.

My translation: She looks so young to have three kids.

Berta y Lupe:¿Usted trajo su martillo perforador para la crema dental en el fregadero?

Translation: Did you bring your jackhammer for the toothpaste in the sink?

My translation: Doesn't she look so much like Heather Locklear?

I don't care what you're saying, Berta y Lupe...just please come back next Thursday. You complete me.

PART 2: Fun With Play-Doh

(previously, on "Fun With Play-Doh"....BG discovered Mr. Bill in his house.)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Chill, Clay-man. It's cool. But check it out: You're lookin' whack, yo.  If you want to roll with me I gotta do a little adjusting...

Oh NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that's what I'm talkin' bout, G!

Thug Life, Playa.

Fun With Play-Doh (Part1)

So here's why my kids are at a disadvantage: 

If you happen to have me for a mother, and say you get some Play-Doh for a birthday present, chances are you will never see it again because your mother has done THIS:

Hi there, boys and girls! Remember me? It's Mr. Bill!!

Yo. Clay-man. Why you all up in my crib?

Oh NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Staff Meeting With Myself

  

Minutes from Happy Meals & Happy Hour staff meeting. 9/21/08

In attendance: Me, Angel Me, Devil Me.

Me: OK , I've called this meeting - wait - where is Devil Me?

Angel Me: Do you want me to call her?

Devil Me: I'm HERE. Chillax.  What. Why are we here.

Me: Please stop Twittering. We're having  a meeting to address some concerns I'm having regarding our responsibilities and actions lately.

Devil Me: UGH.

Angel Me: I so agree with you.

Me: OK: Item #1: "Time Spent on the computer". Who wants to address this.

Angel Me: Ooh me! I feel guilty that it's taking time away from the family , and housework, and volunteering at the school.

Devil Me: You're a tool.

Me: OK, What would you like to say?

Devil Me: We're totally behind in visiting our commenters, Mom Bloggers Club, SITS, Humor-Blogs and Humor Bloggers.com. And there's a new group called Twitter Moms that we need to join.

Me: OMG. I know - You're right.

Angel Me: Don't listen to her! You haven't made dessert for the family in 3 weeks!

Devil Me: Do you have any idea what you missed on Twitter today?

Me: ACK! What?

Devil Me: Well you'll just have to scroll back and catch up.

Angel Me: It's OK! Why not look into some new recipes or start a puzzle?

Me: I should help out at the library.....

Devil Me: Google Analytics said your numbers were down last week. Probably because you didn't visit anyone.

Me: WHAT??? I was busy uploading Not Quite Hot Enough bloggers!

Devil Me: Also, I heard that everyone at Humor Bloggers is going to be on The Today Show. The same day as The Jonas Brothers.

Me: Meeting adjourned.

Angel Me: But-!

Devil Me: Suckahhhhhhh.

Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar

(Henceforth, known as NQHE.)

So here's what happens when McMommy and I get nominated for Hottest Blogger Calendar and we don't win.

We don't take it well. We pout and we commiserate and we drink large quantities of wine.

We mourn the hotel room and the photo shoot and the blog material that could come from it.

Then we get serious. Serious about revenge vindication.

And suddenly, (miraculously), we think about YOU: You OTHER bloggers who weren't quite hot enough.

And we say: "With God as my witness, there shall be a Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar!"

And so there is. 

Because we rock like that.

So come on over and submit your bad self! We already have 3 YEARS worth of Not Quite Hot Enough bloggers posted!!!!

The Not Quite Hot Enough Calendar.  You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet.

(click the link to visit!)

The Guy Movie

You know the drill. 

Man and woman go to Blockbuster to pick a movie to watch together. Man picks Guy Movie, woman picks Chick Flick. Flip a coin to see whose movie goes first.

Really Blockbuster should just do away with the current genre set-up in the store and just have 2 sections:

"Guy Movies" and "Chick Flicks".

The Guy Movie usually has a black and red cover.

The title tends to feature the word "Heat"... "Night" ...or "Vengeance".

Most feature Denzel Washington and/or Tommy Lee Jones.

Something is always being stolen/ blown up/ robbed/ hijacked or smuggled.

Someone is always getting shot/ stabbed/ kidnapped or tortured.

This is being accomplished with guns/ knives, tasers and/or explosives.

There are lots of cars/ trains/ freighters/ helicopters and fighter jets.

The hero is a cop/ex-cop/marine/ex-marine/bounty hunter/ex-bounty hunter/CIA/ex-CIA/FBI/ex-FBI/ detective/ex-detective.

More often than not he's a "renegade".

Quite often he prefers 'his own brand of justice".

 

The bad guys are foreign, or, if not foreign, ugly.

The hero is married to/divorced from/interested in a "good woman".

I can guarantee you this 'good woman' just wants to watch "Love, Actually" with a glass of chardonnay.

EVEN MORE Words I Made Up

(Is it time for a book yet?)

Philidelflip (fil-a-del'-flip) n.

The uncanny ability of a half bagel with cream cheese to land "cream cheese-down" when it falls.

wavetraction (wave-trak'-shun) n.

When you try to wave at someone you know in public and they don't see you, but everyone else does, so you have to retract your wave.

vegivindication (vej-ee-vin-di-kay'-shun)n.

Because of the "first-in, last-out" nature of grocery shopping, finally proving to the checkout clerk with the last items on the belt that you do, in fact, feed your family healthy produce, not just crap.

bumperclump (bum'-per-clump) n.

A frantic gridlock of bumper cars that can't get out of each others' way and use up all the ride time.

beefizzwary (bee-fizz'-ware-ee) adj.

To have a phobia of a bee being in your soda can.

ghostcrank (gowst'-crank) n.

The unexplainable phenomenon of your car stereo being several decibels louder when you start the car up than when you left it.

Big Bang Bucket List

Um, hello? World Council to Regulate Mad Scientists?

There are these dudes in Switzerland who have built a 10 billion dollar ATOM SMASHER?

Yeah. They want to "recreate the Big Bang". So, if you could just pop over there when you get a minute, we earthlings sure would appreciate it. 

You know, just give it a look-over since there are several nuclear physicists who have a few concerns. One being the total annihilation of earth into a black hole. Which, you know, would be bad.

And I, for one, have many things I'm looking forward to, not the least of which is "Heroes" and "The Office" coming back on TV.

So IF, in fact, the planet is going to implode into cosmic dust...I've gotta start crossing things off my "Bucket List" (things to do before you kick the bucket: Morgan Freeman/Jack Nicholson movie. Yeah -I didn't see it either.)

So, I'm jotting some things down:

#1. Make voodoo dolls of Swiss scientists.

#2. Buy a diamond & ruby encrusted Victoria's Secret bra

#3. Try one of those $200 hamburgers.

#4. See the Pam & Tommy Lee sex tape.

#5. Drink Grey Goose & OJ for breakfast

#6. Kidnap Joe Jonas at gunpoint

...that's as far as I've gotten. (note to self: Ace Hardware for duct tape)

OK! Thanks for looking into that - keep me posted.

p.s.  Prose&Converse commented on #6: "Big Bang, indeed." I don't know what she's talkin' about.

September 11th Tribute

Do you remember what you were doing?

Suck E. Cheese's

Suck E. Cheese's sucks cheese. 

Sucked then: 1998          Sucks now.

OK, to be fair, we've spent more time at the mutant rip-offs near us, "Boomer's" and "Oasis". 

But it's all the same freakshow: A chaotic sugar-fueled germ-fest of shoeless children running amok amidst clanging game machines and miserable parents.

I'll be honest: when that "child-party-looking" invitation arrives, I say the Birthday Party trifecta prayer: 

#1) Please let us be busy that day

#2) If not, please let it not be in the next county.. and

#3) Sweet Mother of God, please don't let it be at Chuck E. Cheese.

Because there IS NO DROPPING OFF at these parties. I mean you could, but it's like child-abduction paradise. So you're left making small talk for 2 hours with "I Really Don't Remember Whose Mom You Are" and silently cursing your husband who is no doubt stretched out on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching football.

There's always a "Ball Pit" aka, "The Virus Acquisition Chamber".

There's always a "Playscape" with "Sky-Tunnels": This uses up a good half hour with:

"Mom! Look up here!"

"I see you!"

" Mom! Look!"

"I'm Looking...."

"Mom! Watch me!"

"God in heaven why didn't I bring vodka.'"

And the KICKER, the Icing on the Cake...is when the party is finally, mercifully, over.....and you think you're gonna get to grab your coat and go........

....the TICKETS. The freakin' TICKETS. Your child's reason for living: the mother-f'n tickets they've been "winning" all afternoon to "spend" at the "Prize Counter". 

Not only are there 15 kids ahead of you in line, but each one is in the quandry of his life, deciding whether to spend their tickets on a plastic slinky or a spider ring or a styrofoam airplane. And there is one employee. Inevitably, there is something like an iPod or an Xbox360 displayed in the case so that each and every child ahead of you asks: how many tickets for THAT? 

Not enough tickets in the world, kid, that's just there to mess  with you.

Another half hour later you finally reach the sanctity of your car with your new possessions: a Ring Pop, a Chinese fan, a rubber snake and 2 weeks of impetigo. Thanks for the party favor, Suck E.Cheese. 

Mom's Birthday

It's my Mom's birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this means she and Eddie will go out to a very nice restaurant in East Hampton tonight and the waiter will come over to the table and say, "Can I get you something to drink?"

Mom: Do you have wine?

Waiter: Yes, ma'am, we do.

Mom: How much is it?

Waiter: Well, that would depend on your selection....

Mom: How much is a glass of white wine?

Waiter: Well, our house chardonnay is $9.

Mom: $9???? How much is a carafe?

Waiter: Um, let me see if we 'do' carafes...

Mom: How much is a half a carafe?

and so on. Which is not a conversation you hear much in The Hamptons. 

But being frugal is practically ingrained in her DNA, thanks to my grandfather, who once brought my grandmother home a fur coat that he found at the dump. He was perplexed that she didn't want it.

I can still remember being sent on errands to the grocery store when I was a teenager to "return this fruit". "What should I say?" "Say it's just not very good!"

Anyway, small wallet, but big heart....this is for you Mom, Happy Birthday:

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Breaking Up With the Gym

(phone rings)

Me: Hello?

Gym: It's me.

Me: Oh... hey.

Gym: You've totally been avoiding me.

Me: What? No- I've just been really busy - you know start of school and everything -

Gym: Did I do something? I've been trying to give you your space, but...are we OK?

Me: Totally! Yep- actually I was going to come see you today -

Gym: It's the Blog, isn't it.

Me: (sigh) Look. I have certain needs...

Gym: I heard you're on Twitter, too.

Me: What are you, stalking me? Yeah, I'm on Twitter. They're just friends!

Gym: What the hell is going on with you? You used to come here every day after the bus - Step on Monday, Kickboxing Tuesday, Group Groove on Wednesday-

Me: "Group Groove". I gotta write a post about that.

Gym: I don't know you anymore.

Me: I have 1500 visitors a day and 900 followers on Twitter. They know me.

Gym: They don't know your ass is expanding.

Me: I'll be there tomorrow.

Keyword Korner

If you are a blogger and you have yet to install Google Analytics, stop what you are doing right now and go get it.  I'll wait - go on.

For those of you who aren't bloggers, Google Analytics is a sophisticated tracking system for your blog's traffic. Total number of visitors, "bounce rate", global breakdown, you name it.

The only real reason you need to get Google Analytics is the Keyword  tracking feature. In other words, what phrases did people type into Google that lead them to your blog. 

I give you: actual Keyword Searches that landed on my blog: (did not make this up)

"how to invite people out for happy hour"

um.....just a thought, but how about: "want to go out for happy hour?"

"what meaning happy hour"

it meaning many alcohols in start of night times.

"hip happy hotties"

Why, thank you ;)

"bratz fatheads"

No argument here.

"how do words be made"

Go ask the guy at happy hour.

"Jonas eat him"

Yes.

"cougars for the Jonas Brothers"

I like your thinking: we may need to organize.

"bg nipple"

I'm guessing he meant "big" but BG's nipples are hot too.

"embarrassing doctor visit butt blog turnover"

I can totally see how this sounds like me, but it wasn't me.

"where are the Jonas brothers as we speak"

Dude, I don't KNOW.

"small child kicked me in the testicles + pluto."

I'm confused- are you combining pain advice and astronomy in one search?

"Hilary Clinton's pantsuit size"

Who in God's name is googling this?

"I just want to pee on her face"

Please, please don't visit my blog again.

and last but not least,

"ginormous purple genitals"

Don't think you found what you were looking for , but good luck with that.

Google Analytics: Let someone else do the blog material for you.

Ask and You Shall Receive

Sometimes the Blog Block Gods just smile down upon you.

I'm sitting at my computer this morning, pondering what to ramble on about and I hear this 'tick-tick-flutter' sound.

OK..... you don't see that every day. There's a bird in my office. 

Just chillaxin', popping around.

As usual, the Guard Poodle is right on it with the heightened senses and instincts of a vicious predator.

So I thought this might be an opportune time to take a shot of my office, what with both my favorite J.J.'s on display, BG, and the added wildlife: (click to enlarge)

The audio for this scene was something along the lines of:

Bird: 'Sup.

Guard Poodle: I'm thinking of possibly coming over there.

Bird: Bring it, bitch.

BG: That bird is trippin', yo!  Y'all better bounce, G, for realz.

Guard Poodle: I'm going to see if there's any toast in my bowl, then I'll be back.

Bird: Your mama'll be back.

Thank you, Blog-Block Gods.