Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Post About Not Posting

Here's the thing about me.

I'm not a stellar "multi-tasker".

People don't say "I don't know how she juggles it all" .

Throw me one extra ball to juggle and the show's over. Which is what happened this Christmas.

See, here was my juggling universe:

(can we pause here and marvel at my mad Photoshop skillz? Although my hands and feet are the size of a Yeti....)

Then, last April, the "BLOG" ball was added, and the people gasped and clapped and the village rejoiced, because Eureka! the balls were all still in the air.

Then December rolled around and it was like:

Hey! Miss Fancy-Blogger-Pants! Catch THIS!

And the balls came tumbling down, and the BLOG ball bounced down the basement steps into a pile of new puppy poo where it's been stuck since around December 23rd.

So, I'm wiping it off, sanitizing my hands and getting back in the game. Promise.

Right now, my husband is standing outside my office holding the "sex" ball looking like one of the children from the Sally Struthers commercials.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Best. Christmas Present. Ever.

I'm not really posting. I'm still on Blog Vacation.

But I just had to show you guys my favorite Christmas present I got:


Respect the Bumble.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Merry Christmas To All

To all my awesome commenters....
and my bloggy friends....
Hope you all have a wonderful Holiday

(click BG to shake the snowglobe & make a wish!)

I'll be back when the eggnog runs out. ;)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Jesus's Birthday

Well I got in a little hot water with Jesus regarding yesterday's post about the Duggars and their 18 kids who all start with the letter 'J'.

Apparently, it's not very "Christian" to "bust" on their "lameness". Or something.

Jesus: Why do they interest you so much?

Me: I don't know - it's just so's like how George Foreman has 5 sons all named "George"...or how Jermaine Jackson named his son "Jermajesty". Which the Duggars should totally keep in mind, by the way, for Kid 19.

Jesus: In the spirit of Christmas, we should all be a little more generous of heart.

Me: Word. Hey- what's with the T-shirt? "It's About The Child in the Hay, Not the Man in the Sleigh"...?

Jesus: People sometimes forget it's my birthday.

Me: I didn' you want to go to Dave & Busters or something?

Jesus: No.

Me: Wellll......IF The Man in the Sleigh was going to get you something....what do you want for your birthday?

Jesus: Peace on earth. And a Snuggie.  And "That's What I Call Music 29".

Me: Done.

Programming note: Blogger is holding 40 comments hostage from yesterday cuz I turned on comment moderation and it's broken. Today's comments should be fine Soon as it's fixed, I'll post the hostages!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Procreation Run Amok

I really have no time to do a post today cuz I'm so behind in my Christmas shopping BUT. 

I was watching the Today Show this morning and those damn Duggars have popped out another kid, for a grand total of 18 children.

The poster below was done back when they had a cozy, manageable 14.

The Dad's name is Jim-Bob (are you surprised, really?) and all the kids' names begin with "J".

Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger (stretching it there a bit), Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jeremiah, Jedidiah(?), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer and Jordyn-Grace.

Both parents say they'd 'love to have more'.

I have some "J' words for you, Jim-Bob: Jam your Jaunty Jackrabbit Junk into a condom. Jesus.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Still More Words I Made Up

First, there was Words I Made Up .
Then, there was More Words I Made Up.
Followed by Even More Words I Made Up.

Apparently, I can't stop myself. So I give you:

snartle (snar'-tul) n. 
A sneeze/scream so loud and unexpected, it freaks out everyone in a 3-room radius.

porcupate (por'-cyu-pate) v. when your favorite down pillow starts a mutiny by sprouting prickers.

Mallzheimers (malz'-hime-erz) n.
Completely spacing on where you parked your car in the mall parking lot.

shorphan (shor'-fan) n.
The creepy solo shoe you sometimes see on the side of the road that begs the question 'wtf happened?'

spazz-lane (spaz'-lane) n.
That bumpy strip of pavement on the right side of the highway that shocks you into veering back into the center.

space-mugger (spays'-mugr) n.
The car that s-l-o-w-l-y follows behind you as you walk back to your car in the hopes that you are the current owner of the most superfantabulous parking space ever.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Jonas Emergency Meeting

Joe: Dudes. We are totally getting bitch-slapped by 'Twilight'.
Nick: I know - What the hell?
Kevin: They don't even wear scarves. Or ties. Or scarves with ties.

Joe: Our poster sales are down, CD sales are down, "Joe" T-shirts, "Nick" T-shirts....
Kevin: I never had a T-shirt.

Joe: It's friggin' Pattinson, man, he's taken all our fans.
Nick: DAMN it.
Kevin: Actually, there's more cute guys besides him.
Joe: Shut up, Kevin.
Kevin: I'm just saying...

Joe: you know what this means, right?
Nick: Write better songs?
Kevin: More Accessories, bolder colors.

Joe: No, you idiots. Lose the purity rings. This ship is goin' down. Somebody get me Lindsay Lohan's phone number.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

How I'm Getting Michelle Obama to Read My Blog

I know.

I was a shocked as you guys that my post about how my boobs were bigger than Dooce's didn't catapult my blog to superstardom.

But check this out - I have a new plan that is so freaking brilliant I will be dazzling Matt Lauer with witty banter in no time.

So everybody knows that Twitter is a "social media" application where you basically share 1-2 sentence updates with your Twitter circle, whether it's 30 people or 1,000.

But the thing is, you know who your Twitter peeps are - you have a list of who you're following and who's following you.  So imagine my surprise the other day when I typed:

Bought "No-chew" spray and "No-poop" spray at Petsmart for Gigantic Puppy arriving tonite. Do I think I can just spray my way thru this?????  from twhirl

and an hour later I see this:

PetSmart Corp Comm
PetSmartTLC @HappyHourSue Congrats on your new puppy! Make sure to sign up for PetPerks to receive great deals and offers.  from web in reply to HappyHourSue

Dude. They were so not on my list. Those rat bastards have some sort of super spy filter software that scans the whole Twitter universe and finds mentions of their store.

So of course my first order of business given this unexpected development was to see if that would work on boys. So I typed:

OK that's freaky - @Petsmart just tweeted me. If I talk about Joe Jonas will he tweet me? Robert Pattinson? Hello? Mark Wahlberg?  from twhirl

Josh Holloway - Mark ruffalo - John Krasinski - is this working? Kellan Lutz - Oscar de La Hoya......I can keep going from twhirl

Nothing. Ratballs.

But. It occurred to me: Who would have the most sophisticated, most all-encompassing web-scanning operation going? That's right, bitches. The CIA.

So here is my brilliant plan:

I start dropping Twitter-bait like "jihad" and "Al Quaeda" (note to self: figure out the correct spelling)......and BAM! the CIA is following me and my blog.

Random cool CIA dude mentions it to his wife, who forwards it along to Michelle Obama at the Christmas party and bada-bing, I'm a superstar.

Or, incarcerated.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Batman Begins

Um, the "puppy" has arrived.

Remember that photo I posted of how he'd look now? Well, I've decided that must have been an ultrasound film

in utero

Because THIS is my 12-week old puppy:

Everyone, this is Diesel LeBron.
Diesel, this is Everyone:

To the Bat-Cave, Alfred...

His ears were already cropped when we bought him...we're trying not to make too many Gotham City references....

(A big thanks to Leslie from Stethoscopes & Stilettos for the name suggestion, and to my blogger idol Diesel from Mattress Police for seconding it.)

OK, people, that puppy is 12 WEEKS OLD.

And the breeder says he eats raw chicken, bones and all. So my husband bought 75 lbs. of raw chickens. Because that's normal, right?   

Why does this remind me of that scene in Jurassic Park where there's a live goat in the T-Rex enclosure.

Anyway, he's the same size as the guard poodle, who is pretty much walking around like "This is BULLsh*t."

But like all new parents, I know that everything can be fixed with a cute T-shirt.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Women and Friendship

This is a true story from Christmas shopping today: I was in line at Justice ("the store for girls!") and my total came to $175. The cashier asked, "Do you have Justice coupons?" and I said "No..."

There was an audible gasp from the women in line. Literally, a 70-year-old grandma elbowed me and said "Honey! You could have saved so much money!"

Then her daughter, probably my age, said "Hold on.." and went rummaging through her purse and produced THREE $25 coupons, handed them to me with a triumphant smile and said "Merry Christmas!"

A $75 gift from a total stranger.

All the way home I was thinking "I need to Pay It Forward". When I got home, I got an email notification that my favorite author, Kelly Corrigan, has posted a video about women and friendship. So I feel that it was meant to be that I share this with you guys:
(and go out and buy "The Middle Place" - it's fantastic)

Monday, December 8, 2008

A Very BG Christmas

Since this is BG's first Christmas, I thought I'd share a few holiday shots.....

This is his favorite place to hang out: On the tree.

This is the place to chill and wait for Santa, G.

His Christmas card:

Still makin' time for his shorties........
What'chu want for Christmas, mami?

Stealing ornaments off the tree......
Dope, yo, for realz.

Rockefeller Center to see the tree.......
Shout out to my homies in Brooklyn and the Bronx....

And let's not forget the true meaning of Christmas.......
'Sup Baby Jesus.
Baby Jesus can rock a birthday, G.

****Have a Gangsta Christmas****

Friday, December 5, 2008

Letter to Joe Jonas

Dear Joe,

   I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to say it.

There's somebody else.

His name is Edward Cullen. 

He's a vampire.

So even though he's 17 in the movie, he's really 108, which is really more age-appropriate for me.

I still think you're totally cute, but I just noticed you're not that good a singer, no offense. And how come you only play the tambourine? That's kind of lame.

I know what you're thinking: I've got Obsesssive Cullen Disorder, blah blah blah.

This weekend will only be the third time I've seen the movie, and everyone on says that's about average.

Coincidentally, Edward's a virgin too, but only because he might kill someone by're just....Well, I don't know what you're problem is, actually. 

So please don't text me - I just need some space - I'm going to Kinkos now to make a Flat Edward copy my tax returns.

xoxo Sue

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

New Addition to the Family

As I write this, I am mourning my peaceful household......sleeping through the night.....

Yes, people, I am talking the "P" word. 

No, not "pregnant".......


Pooping, peeing puppy.

As with any other unexpected family additions, you're saying:
"How did this happen?" "Don't you already have one?" 

and this is what they said to Britney. And look what happened to her.

A month from now I'll be shaving my head and taking career advice from sketchy middle-Eastern con-men.

Where was I.  Oh yeah- how DID this happen. All I know is my husband went back to Connecticut to visit our still-unsold house and the next thing I know he's talking about memories and time flying and fleeting childhoods and I'm pretty sure Kodak was in there somewhere, and somehow this all translated into getting the kids a puppy for Christmas.

He thinks it'll be great fun for our standard poodle too - which is kind of like telling me that he's bringing Vanessa Hudgens home to live with us and I'll love it cuz we can play together.

Also, it's going to be LARGE dog. Disguised as a small dog. Like one of those drop-in-a-glass-of-water "Crazy-Gro" dinosaurs.

As a puppy, it'll look like this:


But full-grown he'll look like this:

Which, really, is like saying "Hey- let's get a bear."

So this is where you come in, faithful reader....I need name ideas. 

All we have right now is Zeus, Bear, and Thor. 

And an un-named Twitter friend suggested Weenie or Booker T. Washington.

Whaddaya think???????