Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Alzheimer's Scare Averted

My husband so doesn't think this conversation was that funny.

I disagree.

Husband: Can I talk to you about something?

Me: What's up?

Husband: I don't want to scare you or anything....sit down.

Me: Jesus! What???!!!

Husband: Well.... I know you've said the sleeping pills affect your memory a little...but lately you've really been forgetting things a lot. Like, a LOT.

Me: (horrified) Like I've been repeating myself?????

Husband: you forget to do stuff....

Me: Like what???????

Husband: Well, like you know how I asked you to return my shirts to Macy's..... and to return the pendant lights to the store..... and give that check to the neighbor?

Me: Yeah.....

Husband: You keep forgetting to do it.

Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha oh.

Husband: What's so funny.

Me: I didn't forget...I just didn't do it.

Husband: ? Why not?

Me: I dunno. I just didn't.

Husband: (perplexed) So you did remember I asked you to do it....

Me: Yes.

Husband: ....but you chose not to.

Me: Correct.

Husband: And how should I feel about that.

Me: Relieved. Your wife just had an Alzheimer's scare. But she pulled through.

Husband: (*sigh*) will get that stuff done.

Me: What stuff.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm Not Photoshopping the Wiener Out

First of all, that is just the greatest post title ever.

Here's what happened.

I'm having my kitchen painted (yay!) and my D-bag Giant Schnauzer decides to run through the paint tray (boo...) so I take a picture of him:


So the question becomes: Do I import the photo into Photoshop and deal with the situation or do I say screw it.

Exactly. So there you have it: my dog covered in paint...and other stuff. (*sigh*)

In other Awesome Pet News.... my husband totally caved in to the 9 year old and let her get two hermit crabs .. They came with this pamphlet....see if you spot the problem.

For the love of God.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Why Did The Turtle Cross The Road?

F*ck if I know.

All I know is, the one thing I don't have time for in the morning scramble to drive the kids to school is animal rescue.

Especially since I'm still in my PJs - T shirt and boxers - with mens' basketball sneakers thrown on at the last minute.

But as we turn out of the neighborhood onto a busy street, here's this freakin giant ancient turtle inching its way across the road.  So I pull the SUV over, jump out- in my pajamas - and run over to it and try to pick it up by its shell like I'm Steve Irwin.

Which is pretty much when it turned into "Gamera" from the old Godzilla movies.

Whips its head around and tries to bite my arms off. Well. Almost. It whipped its head around and snapped. Anyway I dropped his Japanese subtitled ass fast.

Me yelling to kids in car: "It's a SNAPPING turtle!!!!"

Kids: "Save it, Mom!!!!!"

(now the cars are backed up waiting on the impromptu woman vs. Gamera battle that is about to ensue.)

So I grab a big stick. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would've been Steve Irwin's move.

And I try to Super-poke him off to the side.

Gamera: "Your stick is no match for my Jaws of Death!" (snaps at the stick)

Me: "I'm just tryin to HELP you, you retard!" (poke)

Gamera: "Let the battle begin. My Kung Fu is strong." (snap)

Me: "Idiot! Can you say 'roadkill'???????" (poke)

Gamera: "Can YOU say: 'ugly pajamas'?" (snap)

Me: "MOVE you freakshow!" (poke)

Gamera: "I'M the Freakshow?  Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?" (snap)

Me: "I wasn't planning on Roadkill Intervention for an ugly-ass turtle.." (poke)

Gamera: "That was unnecessary."

Me: "Agreed. I apologize."

Gamera: "Let us end our battle with honor."

Me:" OK then."

Gamera: "I shall continue my journey across the street."

Me: "Whatever."

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Mom Facts

The greatest thing about being a parent is that up until the age of 13, your kids take every word you say as gospel.  Granted, this does tend to bite you in the ass when the information is shared on the playground.

My 9 year old: "Tiger Woods is probably gonna die soon from a disease you can get from having too many girlfriends."

Other 9 year old: "How do you know?"

My 9 year old : "My mom told me."

Listen. It's not totally out of the question.

Anyway. So this morning we had the following dialogue regarding nutrition:

Her: "Is the sugar in fruit just as bad as the sugar in candy?"

Me: "No. Your body uses fruit sugar for energy but stores bad sugar like bread as fat."

Her: "You mean your body puts the bread right in your butt?"

Me: '"Exactly."

Her: "That's mean..."

Me: "It IS mean."

Her: "Can you ever get it out?"

Me:" If you stop eating bad sugar it'll go away. Or you can have an operation."

Her: "There's an operation to get the bread out of your butt?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Do they just cut it off?"

Me: "No. They vacuum it out."

Her:" Does it hurt to vacuum bread out of your butt?"

Me: "Yes. "

Her: "But not as much as having a baby right?"

Me: "Nothing hurts as much as having a baby. That's why women are actually stronger than men."

Her: "I'm never having a baby."

Me: "Well you don't have to."

Her: "On 'Glee', Quinn said Puck made her does a boy make a girl pregnant?"

Me: "He can't unless the girl wants to be pregnant and they get permission from God."

Mom Facts. Because We Said So.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

It's Started.

Holy crap. It's started.

The ugly...terrifying...inevitable descent into Uncool.

I thought I had a few years to go: My ringtone is Lady Gaga. I buy my jeans at Wet Seal. I Facebook, I Twitter, I Blog, I've even Skyped.

But, as with my own all starts.... with a song lyric.

Year: 1985
Song: "Heartache Tonight"
Artist: The Eagles

My mom: "....There's gonna be a party tonite, a party tonite-"
Me: "HEARTACHE!!!!!!!!"
My mom: "..heartache tonite, I know..."

Year: Present Day
Song: "Fifteen"
Artist: Taylor Swift

Me: "....and when you're - sixteen and-"
Tween: "FIFTEEN!!! God, Mom."
Me: "..fifteen and-somebody tells you they love you.."

Year: Present Day
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift

Me: "...and I was cryin' in the bathroom, beggin-"
Me"...cryin' on the staircase, beggin' you please don't go.."

Year: Present Day
Song: My Immortal
Artist: Evanescence

Me: "...and I washed your - hands for all of-"
Tween: "Oh My GOD!!! HELD YOUR HAND!!!!!"
Me: "...held your hand for all of these years.."

Lame, party of one.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse....

She posts it on Facebook.