Friday, December 25, 2009

The Nurturing Parent

In order to foster confidence and self-esteem, it's important to let your child win at simple competitions.

Unless, of course, it's "Just Dance" for Wii on Christmas morning.

In which case you should crush them like a bug.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Great News About My Butt

Seriously, this is just so exciting.

Turns out, I DON'T have to work out 6 days a week, have a personal trainer, and deny myself sugar and carbs.

I just have to wear different SNEAKERS.

OK. Who wants brownies.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Holiday Recipe

This just in from my college roomate:

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.. Whatever you can

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mishmas.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Jesus Checks In

Jesus: Wazaaaaaaaaap.
Me: !! GOD you scare me when you do that.
Jesus: Language.
Me: Sorry.
Jesus: So. I saw Santa's 'Naughty List'...
Me: What? Where?
Jesus: Office party.
Me: So? - he doesn't keep track of adults.
Jesus: Actually he does, and tells me.
Me: Awesome.
Jesus: (gets out file) Shall we?
Me: I'm kinda busy. I was just going to write Christmas cards.
Jesus: No you weren't. You were going to watch VH1's Sex Rehab.
Me: WHILE I was cleaning the kitchen.
Jesus: L.O.L.
Me: You can't say "L.O.L" You can only write it.
Jesus: (opens file)....OK. Same stuff as last time...."language"..... "laziness"...... "lust"...... "lust:(inappropriate)" to explain that one?
Me: I.......... nope.
Jesus: "Trainer": How old.
Me: Twennnnnyyyy....eight?
Jesus: "Deli guy"
Me: I'm gonna say 21.
Jesus: "Taylor Lautner".
Me: Turning 18 in February.
Jesus: Do you see what I'm saying?
Me: I'm on it. Won't happen again.
Jesus: L.O.L.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Next Person Who Asks If I'm 'All Ready for Christmas' Is Going to Get Shanked

(Editor's Note: I was 98% sure "shanked" was the right word so I Googled it. And while it does, in fact, mean 'stabbed in the jugular', it also means 'a family of wading birds' bonus for you: you learned a new word.)

No. I'm not "ready".

The cards are not written, the outdoor lights are half up and, as of this writing, are staying that way in protest. The 3rd grade teacher is in danger of getting a "World's Best Teacher" mug. The garbage man better not look at me sideways between now and December 23rd because for reasons known only to him and the mafia, he insists on leaving my empty trash cans smack in the middle of my driveway.

OK. Now I want take a bitching break and say "How much do I love THIS dude from Charlie Brown:

'So freaking much', is the answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program......

Can we talk about how no one's allowed to say "Christmas" anymore? Only "Holiday".....and now even that's too discriminatory against agnostics, apparently, so THIS is the decorations from the town next door to mine NO LIE:

Really? ? ?


Why don't we just change Valentines Day to "Heart Day" so we don't offend "Relationship-Challenged-Americans"???????????

I know. My Xanax is not working.

I better be good so Santa brings me a good present..

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Weekend LOL Video

Karate Santa spreads some Christmas cheer:

Karate Santa Very Funny - Amazing videos are here

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Thoughts On Tiger By Request

So I've gotten a few emails from readers saying "Aren't you going to comment on Tiger Woods?"

And the answer is, I think I covered all my thoughts on Tiger in my latest Twitter posts:

Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet - but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass.
4:17 PM December 3rd from Twhirl

LMAO Tiger's latest ho to come out of the woodwork starred in a porno called "O.M.G. Stop Tickling me". Dude, you are screwed.
8:26 PM December 7th from Twhirl

Tiger mistress #11 has surfaced! This is more fun than an advent calendar!
5:15 PM December 8th from Twhirl

Gatorade drops Tiger. I'm guessing it's because of their "Is It In You?" slogan.
7:04 PM December 8th from Twhirl

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Twitter Recap. Because Blogging Is Hard.

My recent tweets.

Think of them as *teeny tiny* blog posts.

I do.

Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet - but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass.
8:45 PM December 3rd from Twhirl

Dear First Christmas Card To Arrive Person: All feelings of good cheer are negated by the fact that I now hate you.
4:30 PM December 3rd from Twhirl

My husband thinks the cleaning ladies are stealing his socks. Holding off on filing a report just yet.
3:05 PM December 2nd from Twhirl

9 year-old: "Ew. these grapes have nuts."
12:38 PM November 28th from Twhirl

Best part of Thanksgiving Parade? Big-headed pilgrims.
9:43 AM November 26th from Twhirl

New term from Twilight New Moon: "fursploded".
9:56 AM November 23rd from Twhirl

Just a pre-emptive strike: I'm over "Elfing Yourself."
10:25 AM November 13th from Twhirl

Here's a shocker: my husband has an idea of how I can thank him for serving in the Marines. (#veteransdayisnotaboutsex)
6:00 PM November 11th from Twhirl

Why isn't "beheaded" "de-headed"?
6:00 PM November 6th from Twhirl

Love watching the kids candy trade negotiations. it's like a NATO summit.
10:37 AM November 1st from Twhirl

My plan to not touch the Halloween candy is going really well since I haven't bought it yet.
9:36 AM October 30th from Twhirl

Going to start referring to my underwear as "unmentionables".
9:16 AM October 28th from Twhirl

Awesomely random: Just got an email that my blog is featured on
6:33 PM October 27th from Twhirl

Latvian marketing co. admits to creating "meteor crater" to "boost interest" in the country. Get my travel agent on the phone.
4:21 PM October 26th from Twhirl

Me to 8 year-old: 'try these chick peas". Her: "No. They look like butts."
12:33 PM October 20th from Twhirl