Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Judgement Day

It occurred to me recently, that if there really is going to be a "Judgement Day", the odds are I will be in my kitchen. Probably watching reality television while loading the dishwasher, eating cheese.

Jesus: I'm Back.

Me: HOLY-. What - now? Like, 'BACK'- back? 

Jesus: Yup.

Me: So you're all, 'today, Wednesday July 30th, is Judgement Day'?

Jesus: Why not.

Me: I don't know, it's so random...I thought there'd be, like, storms and volcanoes and stuff.

Jesus: There are no volcanoes in Pennsylvania. Anyway: "He shall come again to judge the living and the dead." , remember?

Me: Well, can you start with the dead first then come back so I can vacuum?

Jesus: No. (gets out clipboard). Let's begin. Where are your children?

Me: They're...um....(sigh). Playing video games in the basement. Crap.

Jesus: What was that?

Me: I said "crap".

Jesus: (scribbling)..interesting language...

Me: Shit!!!!!!! Ugh.

Jesus: I see you wrote a whole blog post about lying to your husband regarding your spending.

Me: Oh, that. But I got like 50 comments so it's not just me. 

Jesus: Moving on...'gluttony', check....'sloth' (looks around) obviously....

Me: Dude - This would be totally clean but I had to read some blogs. First. Then cleaning was next. Then reading scripture to the kids. Then the homeless shelter...then Blockbuster.

Jesus: Please don't call me 'Dude'. And I have some concerns regarding the 'lust'.

Me: Oh, well. That.

Jesus: Says here in my notes: "Josh Holloway. Mark Wahlberg. 'McDreamy'.'McSteamy'. Mark Ruffalo, 2 karate instructors and a 'Jonas Brother'. How old is the Jonas Brother.

Me: 19. Pretty sure.

Jesus: (sighs) I'll get back to you by the end of the day.

Me: Crap.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Bathtub Gangsta: The Video

BG's first fan vid. 
And yes, I am aware that I could be mentally unstable. Enjoy.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Jonas Brothers Concert

Took the girls to the Jo Bros concert last night.

Before concert: A little lame, but it'll be fun for them.

After concert:

Cougar to Joe Jonas: RRRROWWWWRRRRRRR.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Words I Made Up

In the grand tradition of Sniglets, "words that should be in the dictionary but aren't", I have some new additions.

namenesia (naym-nee'-sha) n. 
The horrifying moment when you are having a conversation with an acquaintance, and a third person joins in, expecting you to introduce your friend but you've completely blanked on their name.

spreeject (spree'-jekt) n. 
An item that gets jettisoned in the check-out line after a shopping spree because it didn't make the "do I really need this" cut.

goldfissure (gold'-fizshur) n.
The after-effect of someone stepping on a goldfish cracker that makes it exponentially harder to clean up than when it was whole.

momstroke (mom'-stroke) n.
The swimming style exclusive to mothers enabling them to swim while keeping their hair dry.

purge-atory (purr'-ja-tor-y) n.
The state of limbo for school memos, kids doodles, scribbled phone numbers, and Chuck E. Cheese prizes wherein they get kept in the kitchen until you decide it's time for the garbage.

dechapication (dee-chap-i-kay'-shun) n. The decapitation of a chapstick into it's own cap.

fauxflection (fow-flek'-shun) n.
The extremely pleasing and flattering reflection of yourself in a mirror that makes you look skinnier than you really are.

girdlelock (gir'-dl-lok) n.
The exasperating realization in the ladies room at a formal event when you need to pee badly, but have rendered it impossible with Spanx and "Shape-Wear".

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Mind of a Guard Poodle

0800 hours: Large, strange male in backyard. Huh. 
I want toast.

0900 hours: What the-???!!!!!!!!!!Holy Crap!

...It Can't Be - Don't Panic. SweetJesus It's a 

SQUIRREL!!!!!!God In Heaven! Get the Children!!!! SQUIRREL!!!!!Back up!!! I need Back Up!!!!!

Are You Listening to me?!!!??!!!!SQUIRREL!!

Why aren't you panicking.

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Pee Purse

So I'm in the market for a new purse. On account of I spilled urine in mine. Don't you hate when that happens?

Come on, you're saying, you're making this up. No: this would be the freak-show that is my life.

I'm at the doctor yesterday and she needs a urine sample. So I know the drill...little wipette packet, plastic cup, lid, yada yada. 

Come out when I'm done and the nurse says to go back to the waiting room. With my pee. 

So, thinking I am the world's most brilliant non-embarrassed patient, I tuck the sample into my purse and take a seat in the waiting room.

My name is called, I follow the nurse to room #2, go to pull out my expertly-concealed sample and - ........the cup is empty.

The nurse and I simultaneously realize what has happened. She looks completely horrified like this is going into next month's medical journal. I give a "what-EVER" sigh and begin to take things out, one by one, from the Black Hole of Trash that is my purse and begin to wipe them off.

One of the things was this: a check written to me from May that has gum stuck to the back:

Let me say this:
When urine is not your biggest Purse Problem, you need to re-evaluate your life.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

And the Award Goes To....

Put on your Spanx and get yourself a spray tan because it's Awards Time! I don't mean  "love your blog" awards (love getting them, suck at the re-gifting part). These are awards I made up with design skills bordering on breathtaking. First up: The "Cringies". 
You know what I'm talkin' about: Any celebrity, photo or show that gives you the "douche-chills". (think presidential candidate boogying to their theme song).

OK! Recipient #1 :Mario Lopez.
Right hand to God, this is not photoshopped. It's from People magazine. 'Nuf said.

The next award goes to the duo of Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb on their new cringe-fest that is the "Fourth Hour" of The Today Show. I watch, but I can't watch, but I can't not watch. Mainly I'm concerned for Hoda becoming a douche-by-association.

And the last Cringy goes to  Ann "I'm enthralled with you" Curry
I've never seen anyone with the ability to make every interview virtually un-watchable. Please Ann, for love of humanity, stick to the news. 

NOW comes the bloggy love: 
I've created the "Blogging Purple Heart"

The Blogging Purple Heart shall go to any blogger who risks life, limb or dignity for the sake of entertaining their readers. I created this award with one person in mind: Tena from My Therapy. Tena has a hunky brick-layer working at her house named Hot Boy and she keeps trying to take pictures of him, telling him she's taking 'before' and 'after' shots of the patio. So he keeps trying to get out of her way. Which makes me die laughing every time I think about it. Go visit Tena  - she is funny and she tells it like it is.
It's not easy sacrificing your dignity for your blog. I should know: I take photos of a gangsta doll at Stop n' Shop.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Pervy Craft Project

I heard on the radio that there was some big hoopla a few weeks ago over Starbucks unveiling a new version of their logo.

 old logo new logo

Not sure why they felt the need to change the logo, I'm pretty sure that feisty little company might just make it, but anyway. This Christian group called "The Resistance" has their knickers in a twist saying the mermaid is "topless with her legs spread". Um, have a mojito, 'The Resistance'.....it's just a drawing.

Anyhoo...it reminded me of this awesome craft we used to do as kids back when there was no Nintendo or Disney Channel. Or parental supervision.

Start with an empty butter box.

Cut the knees off..

Cut the indian maiden's butter box on 3 sides.

Tape the knees to the back.



Don't tell The Resistance.

p.s. Mom- it was Janie Hueffed's idea.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Webster's Has Lost They Mind

(The following originally appeared as a guest-post over at The McMommy Chronicles)

After smugly correcting someone recently on their use of the word 'ginormous', I was informed, to my horror, that it is, in fact, now officially a word. In Webster's. Ginormous.

Fearing the worst, I surfed over to Merriam-Webster.com and typed in 'bazillion':.... Yes. Oh for the love of God. 'gazillion': Yup. 'nother': Sure. As in, "That's a whole nother thing." WTF? I know people say it, but that doesn't mean it's a real word..they also say "nucular" and "supposably" for cryin' out loud.

Webster's! Put down the crack pipe! You are The Dictionary! You are the word bouncers. The kind of really snooty, picky bouncers that almost never unhook the velvet rope, and wear headsets, and tell people to go change clothes or at least bring some girls! How did these words get in?????

And it's so random!: I learned in my search that 'meanie' is a word. OK, so why not 'poopyhead'?

Check this out. You can look it up:
'unibrow' and 'plumber's crack': Yes. 'cankles' and 'camel toe'? No.
"flop sweat': Yes. 'bed spins': No.
'bada bing': Yes. "fuhgeddaboudit': No.
'bahookie' : Yes. 'badonkadonk': No.
'himbo' and 'ho': Yes. 'bee-yatch': No.
Also missing: 'face plant', or 'prickerbush'.
Perfectly legit: 'scooch' and 'spaz'.

I give up. This is anarchy. But I have a few request admissions from my 7-year-old:
'criss-cross-applesauce' and
'like-like' ("I like him, but I don't like-like him")
Think it over, Webster's. Or maybe I should just slip you a fifty.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Bathtub Gangsta Does the Hamptons

We're back!!!!!! Turns out, the Hamptons are NOT whack.  Our vacation was awesome - our weather was sunny all week...I tried to look up your weather, but "Blogosphere" isn't listed.  Missed all you guys. 

You would think East Hampton is no place for a Bathtub Gangsta. Lotsa yellow sweaters. Lotsa oversized muffins. Lotsa wide eyes when my "Play That Funky Music" ringtone went off at high volume in the gourmet deli. (BTW, lobster salad: $50/lb. Literally..... $50/lb.)

But guess who loved the beach.......

Check my mad boarding skillz, yo.

Yo - get me out, G.

Then we went window shopping downtown........

Fly crib. $4 Mil - how many bathtubs?

Tiffanys' all frontin' - talkin' bout 'no chains that small'.....

Ralph Lauren IS whack, yo. For realz.

And I shoulda known, back at the house, 

Hot Tub Gangsta in the house. Playa's gotta roll with his shorties.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Crushing on Steve

Yeah, that's right: Steve. From Blues Clues. 
See, when your kids are really young and you're not so much a "Stay-at-Home" mom as a "Stuck-at-Home" mom, there is a danger of developing what the psychological community calls Acute Repetitive Exposure Romantic Transference, or ARERT. OK, I made that up. But it is a very real syndrome, in which a mom develops crushes on the only male figures she's exposed to on a daily basis, which usually means preschool programming stars. Now, I know some of you moms are saying "What about Joe?"
 I don't know: Technically, I suppose he's the handsomer Blues Clues host, but there's something about him that I don't buy. I think Joe doesn't really care about the clues. I picture him grabbing his ipod and driving off to a kegger when the show's over. Steve, I think, is more intelligent and more sensitive: I picture us sharing some Earl Grey tea and discussing his latest investigative techniques.  

Then there's Sportacus.
For any of you who don't Tivo "LazyTown" on a regular basis, Sportacus is the relationship that's purely physical. The guy is a back-flippin' bundle of spandex blue hotness. There would be no Earl Grey drinking with Sportacus, if you know what I'm saying.

My one sister wants to know If Jack Sparrow counts: No. Not Preschool enough. My other sister fessed up to Prince Julian from "Barbie's Princess and the Pauper". Definately, with extra points for being a computer animation.
     Now that my youngest is in school all day, I've put that phase behind me, although I will jump in on any "Who's the hottest Jonas Brother" conversation. Answer: Joe, duh.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Detailing the SUV

As any Beta Mom knows, there is no walk of shame like the one up to the office of the car detailing place when your vehicle is ready. I'm prepared for it now, because inevitably I get the phone call halfway through the morning from the owner: "Yeah, this is Bernard from Auto Shine....uh.... I know I quoted you $90, but.....we've really got a lot of work to do here...I need to have another man come in for this one." I immediately blame my children (usually claiming I have 4 instead of 3) in the hopes that Bernard will view me as his partner in disgust. Bernard has no need for such comraderie and settles on an extra $40 instead. Apparently there is gum involved.

This whole car thing makes my husband mental. You could eat off the floor in his car. The only extra objects in his car besides his person are a Chapstick, an EZ Pass, and a pack of gum. Maybe a travel pack of Kleenex in cold and flu season. All neatly tucked into the center console, where they should be.   The floor of my car may not be clean enough to eat off, but you'll have plenty of snacks to choose from.  Alpha Moms behind me at the school drop off circle roll their eyes because you cannot open one of my doors without something falling out: usually an empty water bottle or a shoe. My kids, God bless 'em, chase the rolling water bottle and chuck it back in with a "love you!" because it's all they know.

"So", you want to know, "is MY minivan or SUV a Beta Vehicle?" Well let me ask you this: Do you apologize when anyone but family gets in? Do your cupholders contain something resembling congealed popsicles? Are there more coats and shoes in your vehicle than in your hall closet? Does the dog consider a ride in the car "mealtime"? Have you, at any given time, had 10 or more of the following items strewn about the car?:  Sweatshirts, soccer shoes, Goldfish crackers, water bottles, fast food wrappers, granola bar wrappers, grocery receipts, grocery lists, doctor appointment cards, dentist goodie bags, mittens, hats, hair ties, headbands, half-eaten bagels, school projects, school papers, school memos, fire safety booklets, CD's, DVD's, Nintendos, Webkinz, ipods, karate belts, ballet shoes, old fruit, juice boxes, action figures, lollipop sticks, Cheetos, Barbie shoes, Bratz feet, Bionicle pieces, Blockbuster cases, drycleaner slips or those freakishly large Bed Bath & Beyond coupons? 

(sigh). I would like to say that I intend to turn over a new leaf. I would like to say that I never used to keep my car this way before children. But if I'm honest I do recall ejecting the latest Laura Branigan tape in my '85 Mustang cassette player and flinging it behind me into the back seat, where it probably got lost among the aerobics gear and beer bottles. Chances are, if you're a Beta mom, you were a Beta girl, too.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Off to the Hamptons!

Woo-hoo! Yes, BG is coming, but he's not happy about it. He wants to go to the Jersey Shore.

Hamptons are whack, yo.

Anyway - he'll settle down once we hit the road. Plus, I told him Diddy has a place out there and I notice he did pack his teeny white outfit for the White Party. 

BUT. I just realized. What about my plants? Who's going to take care of my gorgeous plants?

My pride and joy.

you should have seen it when it was new.

I was told this was "Evergreen".

Yup. Plastic.

It's kind of amazing to me that my children look as good as they do.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

You Rock!!!! Also: The UFO

You guys - that was such an awesome Comment-a-Palooza yesterday! We hit 100 comments! I loved finding out stuff about you, and visiting your blogs and just knowing that you're really out there! I wish we could all get together for dancing and mojitos. Thank you, thank you - you may resume lurking. :)

Still no comment from my Mom - though she did send me a separate email asking what "Holla" was and suggesting that perhaps I had misspelled "Hola". Nevertheless. I am determined to get a comment from my Mom and so let's see if this works:

Frank Sinatra was gay.


We'll see if she responds.

OK. As promised, back to me. Of all the "Things You Probably Don't Know About Me", the one you seem to be most interested in is the UFO sighting. Hello???? Swing Dance Champion???????  No?  OK, UFO it is.

This is not an "I'm not really sure what I saw" story. It's not a "Could have been planes flying in formation" story. It's not a "bright light in the sky" story. This thing was a Big-Ass, scary, multi-colored-light UF-freakin'O. And I'm not kidding. My sister and I saw it. (Jan-throw another comment in, would ya? back me up.)

Time period: late 80's. Location: Block Island, Rhode Island . Time: about 8:45 pm, just gotten dark. My sister and I had just left our vacation house to drive into town and look for boys browse the gift shops. Our hair was moussed and our jewelry was plastic. There are no street lights on BI, so it's totally dark. We'd only gone about a quarter of a mile when out of NOWHERE this ginormous silent disk with colored lights was in front of us, maybe 100 feet up. So close that we screamed our asses off, pulled a U-turn and high-tailed it back home to tell our parents. Of course it was gone when they came outside. 

This is a photo of the "Hudson Valley UFO" which would correlate with the time period and location:

This wouldn't be a true UFO sighting if I didn't do a sketch, so here is my sketch of what I saw:

And here is a sketch of me:

Yes, those are my Jelly shoes. And shoulder pads that the craft probably could have landed on. 

But I will tell you this, my friends: that was no weather balloon.