Sunday, August 30, 2009


I need a gay friend.

I am so not kidding.

My life would be so complete - I fantasize about it all the time.

I would listen to his boy problems and he would tell me how fabulous my hair looks. Then we'd shop a bit, stop for an appletini and maybe catch the 7:00 showing of the Time Traveler's Wife.

And he would know who Kate Gosslein is and agree with me that she must've had a tummy tuck cuz no one's belly button is that high up.

Can anyone set me up?

Cuz how badly do I want to hang out with THESE guys:

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I Love It When People Give Me Things

So I'm going through my Gmail, (which is usually a 50/50 split of new Twitter followers and tragic Nigerian millionaire heiresses who need my help), and there's an offer from the PR girl for Sanita Clogs saying she wants to send me a FREE pair of clogs, no strings attached.

"We're not asking for a review or even a mention, we just want you to be happy." was her direct quote.

And then the skies parted and some bluebirds alighted on my computer because THIS is my clog collection:
I know. I'm like travel-team level clog wearer.

So I power-surf over to their site and pick out THESE
because honestly they are so adorable I could just go blind looking at them.

and then the girl emails me "OK I just need your home address." and I'm all: "Please tell me you're not a psychotic killer who's going to show up at my door and use my skin for a coat." and she's all "No- I just had a baby." and I'm thinking well she could leave the baby with a sitter while she's on her clog-deception murder spree....but I'm willing to take the chance because LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE.

Plus I have mad kickboxing skillz and anyway she's probably wicked sleep-deprived from having a new baby and everyone knows sleep-deprived mass murderers can be taken down with one roundhouse to the head.

Fabulously cute clogs: $ zero dollars
Shipping for new clogs: $ zero dollars
Not having your fingertips made into a necklace: priceless.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

More Twitter Recap

    I have compiled for you a samplingof the insightful, educational and thought-provoking morsels of genius that you are missing. After reading this, you will say either
    A) How have I missed out on this all this time orB) What a douche.
    Your call.

    Me to husband at open casket tonite: 'We Catholics kneel and pray." Husband of 13 years: "You're Catholic?" from twhirl

  2. Newest follower of my blog's "About Me': "I like reading, photography, music, travel, people watching, porn."
    from web
  3. What to do after Shark Week? I propose Worm Week. Who's with me.
    from twhirl
  4. 8 year old: "Mom? I'm going out. I'll be on my scooter."
    from web
  5. Considering outsourcing my next blog post to India.
    from web
  6. Headed to the Apple store's 'Genius Bar". Cocky bastards.
    from twhirl
  7. I have so much laundry to do I'm tempted to throw it out and buy new stuff.
    from twhirl
  8. Oh Lord the BlogHer09 pics have arrived. First one I opened was of a gay guy's cherry boxers. Am serious about my craft.
    from web

  9. 8 year old: "I hate golf camp. All the kids 
    tell me I'm holding the bat wrong."

    1. from twhirl

    2. True bizarre moment: Woman led by seeing eye dog in restaurant bathroom tonight complimented my daughter's flower on her toenail.
      from twhirl
    3. My editor just called. OK that's a lie. I don't have an editor. I just always wanted to say that.  from twhirl

    4. After 2 margaritas, husband looks at me and goes 'You're a good woman." Putting Cuervo in his oatmeal tomorrow.
      from twhirl
    5. My sister in NYC just lost her nanny to Gisele and Tom Brady. That's like losing your husband to Angelina: who can compete with that?
      from twhirl

      8 year old: 'When you kidnap someone, do you use a net? from twhirl

      Dr. put me on new sleeping pill. Took it at  10 last nite, fell asleep at computer and walked into a wall. Can't decide if this is good or bad. from twhirl

      When a bromance breaks up: "Dudevorce". from twhirl

      1. OK. So we're over the Michael Jackson thing, yes? from twhirl

        1. Sparklers are like the geeks of the fireworks community.
        2.  from web

          1. 8pm: Had a big rum and coke. 9pm:Did killer TV workout. 10pm: had cookies. Am retarded. from web

            That smoke detector chick is so non-
            committal it's like she knows it's only 
            Bagel Bites. "fire...  fire..   fire.. "      
             from twhirl

          1. I thought having a sponsor for BlogHer meant someone who wouldn't let you drink too much. from twhirl

          2. Sweet. It's only days til the Xmas ornaments 
            in my dining room switch from "late" to "early". from twhirl

          3. 11 year old: "my cinnamon gum has lost so much flavor it tastes like ham." from twhirl

            1. Um, FYI? If you're looking to find out if Dick's has kids tennis's NOT Dick' Ew. from web

            2. Happy digital TV conversion day, everyone! That was exciting. from twhirl

            3. What if my follower 'SexyBigDickLeo' is a sexy guy named Leo who's just a jerk? from twhirl

              8 year old: "What's a stalker?" Me: "someone who calls you, follows you, won't leave you alone." Her: "Like you and me." from twhirl

              Follow Me!!!!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The Ice Cream Truck

Please explain this to me.

Explain to me why the sight of a white truck carrying ice cream sends every kid from 2 to 15 into a Fema-grade panic.



MOM!!!! MOM!!!!!


Dude. We HAVE ice cream at home. In the freezer. Right now. Ben & Jerry's, some Chipwiches and FreezerPops. You never ask for it.

Granted, it's not shaped like a rocket or SpongeBob with gumballs for eyes....

Maybe it's just the novelty of a refreshing treat that travels.

I could kinda see...

HONEY!!!!! HONEY!!!!!!!!!


For the love of God, Where's your MONEY??????!!!!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009


While at our vacation house, we came across a blow up baby pool with this on the side:

Which as far as I can decipher means
"Bow down to aliens from striped rockets that might shoot lasers out of their eyes"


"Don't take midgets spear-fishing."

Probably good advice on both counts.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Blogger Conference Tips

As the old saying goes,

"You know it's going to be a great trip when someone is rocking a Snuggie on the plane."

(actual pic from my cellphone)

Not sure how I swam up from my Xanax stupor to think to take a picture, but...yay, me.

So. Chicago. BlogHer '09. Henceforth known as "Vodka-tea-palooza '09."

I had 8 "break-out sessions" earmarked for attendance over the weekend. I made it to 2. Barely.

The problem being the slacker-tastic discovery of "Chicago Burger" on the bottom level of the Sheraton, where me, my roommate Lisalicious and Tenakim took our waiter Manny's advice and tried some vodka teas.

You would be AMAZED how many free drinks you can get if you have Lisa's cleavage with you. I am taking her with me when I buy my next car.

Anyway, if you attend a blogging conference, here are my tips:

#1. Decorate the outside of your door
A. Dorm-esque wipeboard
B. Blog logo names
C. Stolen conference sign

#2. Definitely ride the Quaker Oatmeal smoothie-generator bike on the Expo floor
#3 Keep track of your bathtub gangsters or they WILL get in trouble

#4 When in doubt, ALWAYS choose cocktails with your girls over conference meetings.

#5 Go to the city's gay district Saturday night instead of the bowling party.

#6 Sunday morning erase all photos from Saturday night.