Holy collectible coins and pill boxes. William and Kate are engaged.
I know, I know......it's gonna be like the biggest TiVo-tastic event of the decade...and a bajillion people are gonna watch it live....and the entire population of Britain and probably Wales is going to spontaneously combust from excitement...and Diana herself will probably ride down from heaven on a sparkly unicorn.
I'm trying to care, I swear.
I think maybe if he were THIS kind of prince
I'd tune in.
In any event, I have one wish for the future princess...and that is that there is a Franklin Mint baby doll made in her likeness.......
If you don't pay attention to the highway guardrails, you might miss some important info.
Spotted this a couple days ago. Pulled the car over, jumped out, looked both ways, darted through traffic, took a cellphone pic and thought: "Isn't 'judgement' spelled with an E?"
Nevertheless. How glad are you guys that I saw this!
So my first thought, as always, is: 'What does this mean for ME.' And the answer is, I have a lot less time left than I thought cuz according to the movie...and the Mayans...we all had until December 2012, so: total rip.
And by the way, I'm no historian, but who decided the MAYANS know everything? When did the MAYANS become like the FrankinCovey of man's existence?
Stayfree Maxipads? Has created a web commercial with a shirtless dude that is quite possibly the most douche-tastic/awkward/cringe-inducing 3 minutes to ever hit the interwebs.
I have to watch it like I'm watching a slasher movie. Through my fingers.
At any moment I'm sure my computer screen is going to implode because it has called some worm-hole of awkwardness in the the universe.
So- here: don't say I didn't warn you..... and tell me if you think he has a raisin stuck to his butt.
Here's the problem with the Nature vs. Nurture debate when it comes to my kids' behavior in the universe.
There's no winning. It's both.
My genes + my behavior = conformity Fail.
Is this not every mom's bedtime ritual with their 10 year old daughter? Me: "Love you.." Her: "Love you." Me: "Forever..." Her: "and ever." (together) "More than the moon and the stars and the universe" (Fist bump-explosion) (Soulja Boy dance together) "SUPAman... o- now wa' me YOUuuuuuu.....now wa' me YOUuuuuuuu..." (see below :30-:45)
Swear to God. I do the Soulja Boy every night with my 4th grader. Sometimes we do it in a British accent.
Anyway, the other night I'm rifling through her school papers trying to figure out why she's fallen behind in homework and she's got THIS proudly tucked in the front of her folder:
Which, while awesome, is giving me an eerily familiar glimpse into her prioritizing.
SO we had a big talk about buckling down... and the importance of homework.... and her response was this.
Don't get it, don't understand it, don't watch it.
Yes, I was a cheerleader in high school. Cuz here's the thing: Outfits? Adorable. Black skirt, white sweater with a big red "R", pom-poms.... it's important to pick your sports based on the cuteness quotient of the uniform. My other two sports in high school were field hockey and tennis, no lie. Win or lose, at the end of the day you're wearing a cute skirt.
Then in college, my girlfriends and I made every single football game. We just didn't get beyond the parking lot tailgate. The mass exodus of everybody else going back into the game was like holding a party with intermissions.
It makes my husband mental when I actually do sit down while he's trying to watch a game and start asking questions.
"Is that guy allowed to have hair that long?"
"Why are they all wearing black arm bands?"
"Why do they keep showing that woman? Is that his wife?"
"Why doesn't the coach know the Gatorade bucket is coming?"
"How do they draw those computer lines under the players?"
"HE'S cute."
But! I am going to be a good sport and get into the whole Fantasy Football thing.....
....is being the Chilean miner whose wife and mistress just found out about each other while holding vigils above ground.
"f*ck my life"
True story, read about it today.
Dude.
How bad does your life have to suck when 32 guys trapped 700 meters underground with limited light, excessive heat, rationed food and the promise of MAYBE getting rescued by Christmas.....feel bad for you.
What I really wanna see? Is Rescue Day.
They'll be all "Dios mio!!! They've broken through! We are saved! Manuel, mi amigo! Lets go!!'
and he'll be all "Nah, I'm good....I'm gonna....you know, clean up the place....you guys go ahead."
So 3 days later, I think the vodka is finally out of my bloodstream from BlogHer '10.
I learned many, many things... but if I could share just one with you, it would be this: After drinking and dancing til 4 am, just because the mini-bar in your room HAS vodka and cranberry juice? Doesn't mean you should MAKE some.
You're welcome.
Roomed with blond bombshell extraordinaire Lisalicious from Mommedy for the 2nd year in a row because A.) She is my best friend and B.) I get lots of free stuff when I'm with her.
In hindsight, could have done without the free "mind-eraser" shots, but as we've already discussed, my judgement wasn't exactly on high-alert.
Were there any guys there? Hell yes.
Hey, a girl can still look, right?
I'm gonna wager that this is one of the few conferences that sports both a Metamucil booth and a vibrator booth...
All I can tell you is: One of these tables? I had to elbow my way in to get a pic. For real.
And sometimes....if you're lucky.........
You'll run into a celebrity so awesome you find yourself begging to take a picture..
So you know your writer's block is bad when your advertisers inform you that you're not going to get "paid" unless you "post" more "often"..in fact they're going to "remove" their "ads" until they see "fresh content".
Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.
I feel like a grounded teenager.
Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.
Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."
My neighborhood:
You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.
So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:
The f*ck.
Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."
Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"
Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."
My husband so doesn't think this conversation was that funny.
I disagree.
Husband: Can I talk to you about something?
Me: What's up?
Husband: I don't want to scare you or anything....sit down.
Me: Jesus! What???!!!
Husband: Well.... I know you've said the sleeping pills affect your memory a little...but lately you've really been forgetting things a lot. Like, a LOT.
Me: (horrified) Like I've been repeating myself?????
Husband: No.....like you forget to do stuff....
Me: Like what???????
Husband: Well, like you know how I asked you to return my shirts to Macy's..... and to return the pendant lights to the store..... and give that check to the neighbor?
Me: Yeah.....
Husband: You keep forgetting to do it.
Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha oh.
Husband: What's so funny.
Me: I didn't forget...I just didn't do it.
Husband: ? Why not?
Me: I dunno. I just didn't.
Husband: (perplexed) So you did remember I asked you to do it....
Me: Yes.
Husband: ....but you chose not to.
Me: Correct.
Husband: And how should I feel about that.
Me: Relieved. Your wife just had an Alzheimer's scare. But she pulled through.
Husband: (*sigh*) So.....you will get that stuff done.
First of all, that is just the greatest post title ever.
Here's what happened.
I'm having my kitchen painted (yay!) and my D-bag Giant Schnauzer decides to run through the paint tray (boo...) so I take a picture of him:
Yeah.
So the question becomes: Do I import the photo into Photoshop and deal with the situation or do I say screw it.
Exactly. So there you have it: my dog covered in paint...and other stuff. (*sigh*)
In other Awesome Pet News.... my husband totally caved in to the 9 year old and let her get two hermit crabs .. They came with this pamphlet....see if you spot the problem.
All I know is, the one thing I don't have time for in the morning scramble to drive the kids to school is animal rescue.
Especially since I'm still in my PJs - T shirt and boxers - with mens' basketball sneakers thrown on at the last minute.
But as we turn out of the neighborhood onto a busy street, here's this freakin giant ancient turtle inching its way across the road. So I pull the SUV over, jump out- in my pajamas - and run over to it and try to pick it up by its shell like I'm Steve Irwin.
Which is pretty much when it turned into "Gamera" from the old Godzilla movies.
Whips its head around and tries to bite my arms off. Well. Almost. It whipped its head around and snapped. Anyway I dropped his Japanese subtitled ass fast.
Me yelling to kids in car: "It's a SNAPPING turtle!!!!"
Kids: "Save it, Mom!!!!!"
(now the cars are backed up waiting on the impromptu woman vs. Gamera battle that is about to ensue.)
So I grab a big stick. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would've been Steve Irwin's move.
And I try to Super-poke him off to the side.
Gamera: "Your stick is no match for my Jaws of Death!" (snaps at the stick)
Me: "I'm just tryin to HELP you, you retard!" (poke)
Gamera: "Let the battle begin. My Kung Fu is strong." (snap)
Me: "Idiot! Can you say 'roadkill'???????" (poke)
Gamera: "Can YOU say: 'ugly pajamas'?" (snap)
Me: "MOVE you freakshow!" (poke)
Gamera: "I'M the Freakshow? Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?" (snap)
Me: "I wasn't planning on Roadkill Intervention for an ugly-ass turtle.." (poke)
Gamera: "That was unnecessary."
Me: "Agreed. I apologize."
Gamera: "Let us end our battle with honor."
Me:" OK then."
Gamera: "I shall continue my journey across the street."
The greatest thing about being a parent is that up until the age of 13, your kids take every word you say as gospel. Granted, this does tend to bite you in the ass when the information is shared on the playground.
My 9 year old: "Tiger Woods is probably gonna die soon from a disease you can get from having too many girlfriends."
Other 9 year old: "How do you know?"
My 9 year old : "My mom told me."
Listen. It's not totally out of the question.
Anyway. So this morning we had the following dialogue regarding nutrition:
Her: "Is the sugar in fruit just as bad as the sugar in candy?"
Me: "No. Your body uses fruit sugar for energy but stores bad sugar like bread as fat."
Her: "You mean your body puts the bread right in your butt?"
Me: '"Exactly."
Her: "That's mean..."
Me: "It IS mean."
Her: "Can you ever get it out?"
Me:" If you stop eating bad sugar it'll go away. Or you can have an operation."
Her: "There's an operation to get the bread out of your butt?"
Me: "Yes."
Her: "Do they just cut it off?"
Me: "No. They vacuum it out."
Her:" Does it hurt to vacuum bread out of your butt?"
Me: "Yes. "
Her: "But not as much as having a baby right?"
Me: "Nothing hurts as much as having a baby. That's why women are actually stronger than men."
Her: "I'm never having a baby."
Me: "Well you don't have to."
Her: "On 'Glee', Quinn said Puck made her pregnant...how does a boy make a girl pregnant?"
Me: "He can't unless the girl wants to be pregnant and they get permission from God."
And you could picture me lying in bed with one of those old fashioned water bottle thingys on my forehead. (spellcheck says 'thingys" is not a word)
And there would be a couple of nuns pacing around with bowls of water and bibles and speaking in hushed tones.
Plus, my doctor would be referred to as "Doc". As in, "Doc Rivers says it's The Fever".
And my whole family would be kept waiting outside because I'd be too weak.. unless someone could make a call to Robert Pattinson's people about a 'last wish"..that'd be sweet.
Then I'd be all: "get me my makeup...." and the nuns would bring me like a lipstick and I'd be all "No, you dumbass, I need my Philosophy moisturizer, my Mac undereye concealer, my Bare Essentuals powder, my "soft cocoa" eyeshadow collection, my L'oreal mascara, my Sephora mint lipgloss and a spritz of my Bath & Body "warm vanilla sugar" body spray. God.
Then I'd summon all my strength and change into like a cute tank top and boy shorts cuz that's a good death outfit and an even better meeting Robert Pattinson outfit.
Anyway. It WOULD totally explain why I havent posted in (just went back to check)... 2 weeks.
But it's just writers block again- I am so firing myself if this keeps up.
"Like" button. Like, like, like. Poke. Comment. Add friend. Accept friend request. Suggest friends. Chat. Comment some more.
It is the awesomest time-suck ever. (spell check is telling me "awesomest" is not a word. It has no problem, apparently, with 'time-suck". )
Where was I. Oh yeah- one of my absolute favorite things to do on Facebook is "become a fan of" pages.
You can become a fan of pages like "Support Same Sex Marriage" or other important crap, but you can also join groups like:
"I Don't Remember Getting This Bruise"
"Thinking If U Raise Your Cell Phone 6 Inches In the Air U Will Get Service"
"I Re-do High Fives If They Weren't Good Enough the First Time"
"I Say Dude Right Before I Say Something Moderately Important"
and
"Anne Frank Would Be So Pissed If She Knew Everyone Read Her Diary"
All of which I am a member.
So anyway. I joined this group yesterday called "Things I'm Embarrassed to Admit I Like".
And I am going to give you my answers....but I want YOU guys to put an answer in the comments as well. K? Isn't this fun? We can all be douchey together. (spellcheck says no.)
Ok. THINGS I'M EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I LIKE:
Disco
Sportacus from LazyTown
clogs
Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, For the Love of Ray j, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Real Chance of Love, Tough Love
Might tell the dentist I can't make it tomorrow because of the ash cloud.3:58 PM Apr 18thvia Twhirl
The definition of awkward: When you have a full conversation with an acquaintance in the grocery store then you see them in the next aisle.7:46 PM Apr 14thvia Twhirl
Think I'm gonna have my kids start calling me 'Mummy".12:15 PM Apr 15thvia Twhirl I know Justin Beiber is like the hottest thing in music right now? But I just want to make him a PB&J. With the crusts cut off.7:25 PM Apr 14thvia Twhirl
Just notified that "Taylor Lautner is now following you on Twitter". Do I know it's not really him? yes. Did my heart jump anyway? yes.5:27 PM Apr 13thvia Twhirl Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 2 babymamas.1:03 PM Apr 12thvia Twhirl No, you can't pay me in gum.2:57 PM Apr 9thvia Twhirl
17 y.o. just informed me that Smart Water is the best kind because "Dude. it's from the clouds."8:18 AM Apr 8thvia web
Teacher to 3rd graders taking standardized test today: 'If you're so nervous u need 2 throw up, do it away from your test."8:05 PM Apr 7thvia Twhirl
We felt the earthquake here in PA! No, we didn't. I'm just feeling left out.12:54 PM Apr 5thvia Twhirl Day 11 of kids' spring vacation. Googling clocktowers in the area to bring my high-powered rifle to.7:02 PM Apr 4thvia Twhirl
(telemarketer on caller ID) Me:"Tell 'em to bite me". 12 y.o.: "Bite me." (slams phone). Husband: 'Nice parenting."11:48 AM Apr 4thvia Twhirl
My 12 year old says she's embarrassed that her new phone still has a "mom ringtone". 11:56 AM Mar 20thvia Twhirl
12 y.o: "Why do we have a foreign mailman?" Me: "He's not." Her: "Then why is his steering wheel on the wrong side."10:09 AM Mar 18thvia Twhirl
9 year old: "I think our bus driver is blind. He wears those dark blind people sunglasses and never takes them off."6:42 PM Mar 17thvia Twhirl
File under 'unintentinonally funny": Today's school lunch is "Sea Wonders".12:14 PM Mar 8thvia Twhirl
If my husband doesn't want to drive important clients in a car with black banana peels and congealed ice cream I need more of a heads up.3:50 PM Feb 25thvia Twhirl Follow me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.
