Candygate

Well, I don't want to alarm anyone....but I'm pretty sure the douche-ification of our school system is complete.

It started, of course, with "summer homework". Because God forbid anybody get TOO relaxed on their 10 weeks off. Nothing says 'carefree' like 4 book reports and a diorama hanging over your head.

Then came the banishment of all things "Christmas"...leaving the "Holiday Singing Concert" scrambling to find as many songs about "snow" as they could find.

(And just for the record? "snow" is not a "holiday".)

Then yesterday a (pink!) memo was sent home advising parents that NO CANDY is to be sent in with valentines this week. And not in the "peanut allergy" kinda way: In the "sugar is bad for you" kinda way.

The verbage went something like "blah blah blah wellness policy blah blah 'heart-healthy' blah blah blah nutritious snacks..."


Translation? some Stage 5 Dork-Mom got her panties in a twist and steamrolled a few other cause-starved toolbags into The No Valentines Candy Uprising of 2010.

So yes, I will be sending candy in with my 3rd grader's valentines (FunDip!!) AND I took the liberty of designing a few candy hearts for the moms responsible.

Honestly, I had to make myself stop - I could do these all day.

Oh HELL No.

No, no, no, no.


No.


Bristol Palin's babydaddy. Nekkid.


Good God in heaven where do I begin.


OK how about here:

David Hasslehoff bouffant? Check.

Pasty-pimply butt area? Check.

Man-pooch? Check.


Bow chica wow wow....

Get in line, ladies....and don't forget the condoms.

Weekend LOL Video

How your dog sees you:

Bathtub Gangsta by Request

"Sup, Shawty"

OK so a whole bunch of commenters from the "Delurking Day" post wanted to know "Where's BG?"

Freakin guy.

I've got mad Bratz calling the house cuz they can't reach him on his cell....his texting bill is outta control....he's spending hours at the gym.....

Oh crap.

We got a situation.

"GTL baby!"

Some Things You Can't Un-See.

So originally this post was going to be about Octomom being on the cover of Star Magazine in a bikini.

and I was even going to photoshop her hanging out with E-man, enjoying some SeaRay Living.

"Who wants a brewski"

but I got all kinds of distracted when I came upon THIS:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dude.


DUDE.

I understand I'm obviously a little late to the party here.

But THAT is not right.

Dakota Fanning could fit in there.

It's like an alien space boob that's going to take over the world.

See? I did Photoshop after all.

Weekend LOL Video

LMAO I know this is old but it cracks me up every time.

Dude.

Twitter Recap - Now With Bonus Tutorial!

It's time for Twitter recap because A) You guys need to know what I'm tweeting and B) I don't have a blog post idea.

For anyone STILL saying WTF is Twitter, there's a tutorial at the end from the awesome explainers at "In Plain English".

This just in: John Edwards IS father of lovechild. In other news: World not flat.
9:30 AM Jan 20th from Twhirl


9 y.o. has pantyliner wrapped around her thumb to help stop sucking it. "There's a whole box of these bandages under the sink."
7:01 PM Jan 19th from Twhirl

"and they smell really good."
7:02 PM Jan 19th from Twhirl


I can't hold my tongue any longer. I don't think "Pants on the Ground" is THAT funny.
10:06 PM Jan 17th from Twhirl


Great. Husband just walked in and my computer screen was on "Channing Tatum's Penis Scalded in Accident."
1:08 PM Jan 16th from Twhirl


Vanity Fair has sweaty shirtless Tiger Woods on cover. Still pass.
3:23 PM Jan 10th from Twhirl



Am I the only one who doesn't give a flying f*ck about Jay Leno and his time slots?
2:33 Jan 10th from Twhirl



Is Cupid a baby or a midget?
5:51 PM Jan 8th from Twhirl


No, Kidz Bop, you may not "Sing the Beatles".
6:30 Dec 28th from Twhirl


Just called my dog a 'dickwad'. That's not cool.
5:06 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl

Altho in my defense, he was being a total dickwad.
5:07 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl



Too awesome to make up: Just found out my daughter's bus driver's name is Mr. Horn
3:28 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl



Toaster's broken. Gotta get this over to Sesame Street.
12:24 PM Dec 20th from Twhirl



Just because the Cheetah Girls aren't related doesn't mean they're not sistahs.
5:33 PM Dec 18th from Twhirl


Dear Naked Lady putting on makeup at the Y: Really?
8:03 PM Dec 17th from Twhirl


You know what blows? No matter how hard you slam the phone down, all the other person hears is *click*
4:52 PM Dec 8th from Twhirl


UGH. "The 12 Days of Christmas" is like the "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall" of Christmas carols.
11:02 PM Dec 6th from Twhirl


9 year olds during basketball game: "COACH! COACH!" Coach: "What?" Them : "It's SNOWING!!!!"
3:43 PM Dec 5th from Twhirl








Follow Me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.
Twitter.com/HappyHourSue

SeaRay Living

So I'm going through the mail yesterday and for some inexplicable reason, we are still receiving "SeaRay Living" magazine.

We bought a boat 13 years ago.

We sold it 11 years ago.

We live in Pennsylvania now.

Anyways.   I glance at the cover as I'm sorting the mail and go to make my tea. But something's bugging me so I look closer.

What the.

Look. I'm not gonna be gracing the pages of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition any time soon. But who decided THIS guy should be the cover boy?

So now "SeaRay Living" has me intrigued and I flip through the pages...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the crap.

It's an article about Random Cover Dude. And his SeaRay.

His name's Eric. But I'm guessing he goes by "E-man."

Likes to "hook up" his "bros" with some "brewskis" before they "kick it".

I would give anything to know what the name of the boat is.

My money's on "Chillaxin".

Weekend LOL Video

"The Snuggler"
 (featuring "Alan' from The Hangover.)

The Snuggler - watch more funny videos

De-Lurk, Dammit.

How do I know it's Delurker day? Because there's a logo.

Obviously it's very official blog business. The internet says so.

So here's the deal....."de-lurk" means leave a comment.

That means YOU my comment-challenged readers. (Mom). I know it's hard, but just for today so I know you're actually out there.

What's your favorite song? Who's your favorite Jonas brother? What are you wearing? What do you think of Kate's hair extensions? Why don't you know who Kate is?

Pimp your blog....ask me a question (not math)....or just say hey.

OK..........Go!

.....just....right down there...see where it says "comments"?....click it.......you can do this.....

How I Lost The Baby Weight So Fast

Right now some of you are going- "Wait - I didn't know she had a baby....."

But  I did.

And it was only nine years ago. I know right?

And as of today, I've officially lost the weight already.

OMG, you're saying. How did you do that so fast.

Was it dangerous to lose it so quickly? Maybe. But when I put my mind to something I'm like a crazy person with the dedication.

"So"  -you want to know -  "How Can I Lose the Baby Weight in Nine Short Years?"

Well, I'm gonna tell you how....but keep in mind not everyone will have results this quick.

I call my plan, "9 Months to Put In On, 9 Years to Take it Off". Please consult your doctor before starting this program.

STEP 1. PROCRASTINATION.

"I just had a baby" is a phrase that will easily buy you a good 3 years. No need to even attempt dieting or working out in years 1-3.


STEP 2. CARB-LOADING

Do you know the best way to reduce stress during childbearing years? Yes - Goldfish. Also bagels, Honeycomb, and those pretzel nuggets that are filled with peanut butter. NEVER throw away your child's half-eaten grilled cheese. There are starving children in Africa for the love of God.


STEP 3. DRINK

Alcohol should not be factored into your calorie intake during years 1-8 on account of it is  considered a mandatory nutrient for anyone with young children.

STEP 4.  JOIN GYM. DO NOT ATTEND.

This is a crucial part of the 9-Year plan. While you ARE allowed to sign up, get class schedules, buy sneakers, have your ID picture taken and fork out money, DO NOT GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The longer you stay away, the easier it is.

STEP 5. THE SUCKY PART

Sometime during Year 9, usually after a routine weigh-in at the doctor's office, reality will bitch-slap you into shelling out a bazillion dollars for a personal trainer and getting it done.

So! To recap, my unique 5-part plan takes nine years and costs 1 bazillion dollars.

You're welcome.

I Know, I Know, I Know.

I haven't blogged since Christmas Day.

This is where it would totally rock to say "I've been in Paraguay building houses with Habitat for Humanity."

But honestly I just have blog-block like you read about.

Here's some news, though: I did announce to my family yesterday that I'm "an Olympic Hopeful".

Technically, since the Winter trials are not final yet, I could still make the team.

Technically.

My 12 year old wants to know what sport. I say, "Curling, obviously."
Tomorrow I plan to tell the drycleaner that I'm an Olympic Hopeful and see if I get a discount.

Here's something that is good for like 15 straight minutes of hilarity: Find a friend and take turns trying to get your eyebrows to do "the Worm".

Somewhere, Habitat for Humanity just put me on their "Do Not Hire" list.

Which is unfair because while I wouldn't be so much with the nailing and the spackling, I would be an awesome cruise-director and would have beer pong and dance-offs and Martini-of-the-Day and don't even try to tell me that introducing Paraguay to body shots and how to do The Soulja Boy is not as important as dumb houses.

Email me for references, Habitat for Humanity.

If i don't respond right away it's cuz I'm at curling practice.


UPDATE!!!!! how freakin awesome is this- sent in by "anonymous' just now:

The Nurturing Parent

In order to foster confidence and self-esteem, it's important to let your child win at simple competitions.

Unless, of course, it's "Just Dance" for Wii on Christmas morning.

In which case you should crush them like a bug.

Great News About My Butt

Seriously, this is just so exciting.

Turns out, I DON'T have to work out 6 days a week, have a personal trainer, and deny myself sugar and carbs.

I just have to wear different SNEAKERS.

OK. Who wants brownies.

Holiday Recipe

This just in from my college roomate:


Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.


Cherry Mishmas.

Jesus Checks In

Jesus: Wazaaaaaaaaap.
Me: !! GOD you scare me when you do that.
Jesus: Language.
Me: Sorry.
Jesus: So. I saw Santa's 'Naughty List'...
Me: What? Where?
Jesus: Office party.
Me: So? - he doesn't keep track of adults.
Jesus: Actually he does, and tells me.
Me: Awesome.
Jesus: (gets out file) Shall we?
Me: I'm kinda busy. I was just going to write Christmas cards.
Jesus: No you weren't. You were going to watch VH1's Sex Rehab.
Me: WHILE I was cleaning the kitchen.
Jesus: L.O.L.
Me: You can't say "L.O.L" You can only write it.
Jesus: (opens file)....OK. Same stuff as last time...."language"..... "laziness"...... "lust"...... "lust:(inappropriate)".....care to explain that one?
Me: I.......... nope.
Jesus: "Trainer": How old.
Me: Twennnnnyyyy....eight?
Jesus: "Deli guy"
Me: I'm gonna say 21.
Jesus: "Taylor Lautner".
Me: Turning 18 in February.
Jesus: Do you see what I'm saying?
Me: I'm on it. Won't happen again.
Jesus: L.O.L.

The Next Person Who Asks If I'm 'All Ready for Christmas' Is Going to Get Shanked

(Editor's Note: I was 98% sure "shanked" was the right word so I Googled it. And while it does, in fact, mean 'stabbed in the jugular', it also means 'a family of wading birds'....so: bonus for you: you learned a new word.)

No. I'm not "ready".

The cards are not written, the outdoor lights are half up and, as of this writing, are staying that way in protest. The 3rd grade teacher is in danger of getting a "World's Best Teacher" mug. The garbage man better not look at me sideways between now and December 23rd because for reasons known only to him and the mafia, he insists on leaving my empty trash cans smack in the middle of my driveway.

OK. Now I want take a bitching break and say "How much do I love THIS dude from Charlie Brown:

'So freaking much', is the answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program......

Can we talk about how no one's allowed to say "Christmas" anymore? Only "Holiday".....and now even that's too discriminatory against agnostics, apparently, so THIS is the decorations from the town next door to mine NO LIE:

Really? ? ?

"Winter"??????????????

Why don't we just change Valentines Day to "Heart Day" so we don't offend "Relationship-Challenged-Americans"???????????

I know. My Xanax is not working.

I better be good so Santa brings me a good present..

Weekend LOL Video

Karate Santa spreads some Christmas cheer:

Karate Santa Very Funny - Amazing videos are here

Thoughts On Tiger By Request

So I've gotten a few emails from readers saying "Aren't you going to comment on Tiger Woods?"

And the answer is, I think I covered all my thoughts on Tiger in my latest Twitter posts:


Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet - but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass.
4:17 PM December 3rd from Twhirl


LMAO Tiger's latest ho to come out of the woodwork starred in a porno called "O.M.G. Stop Tickling me". Dude, you are screwed.
8:26 PM December 7th from Twhirl


Tiger mistress #11 has surfaced! This is more fun than an advent calendar!
5:15 PM December 8th from Twhirl


Gatorade drops Tiger. I'm guessing it's because of their "Is It In You?" slogan.
7:04 PM December 8th from Twhirl



Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Twitter Recap. Because Blogging Is Hard.

My recent tweets.

Think of them as *teeny tiny* blog posts.

I do.




Um, Tiger? You can marry the blondest, most Nordic-looking chick on the planet - but if you cheat, she will go ghetto on your ass.
8:45 PM December 3rd from Twhirl


Dear First Christmas Card To Arrive Person: All feelings of good cheer are negated by the fact that I now hate you.
4:30 PM December 3rd from Twhirl


My husband thinks the cleaning ladies are stealing his socks. Holding off on filing a report just yet.
3:05 PM December 2nd from Twhirl


9 year-old: "Ew. these grapes have nuts."
12:38 PM November 28th from Twhirl



Best part of Thanksgiving Parade? Big-headed pilgrims.
9:43 AM November 26th from Twhirl



New term from Twilight New Moon: "fursploded".
9:56 AM November 23rd from Twhirl



Just a pre-emptive strike: I'm over "Elfing Yourself."
10:25 AM November 13th from Twhirl


Here's a shocker: my husband has an idea of how I can thank him for serving in the Marines. (#veteransdayisnotaboutsex)
6:00 PM November 11th from Twhirl


Why isn't "beheaded" "de-headed"?
6:00 PM November 6th from Twhirl



Love watching the kids candy trade negotiations. it's like a NATO summit.
10:37 AM November 1st from Twhirl



My plan to not touch the Halloween candy is going really well since I haven't bought it yet.
9:36 AM October 30th from Twhirl


Going to start referring to my underwear as "unmentionables".
9:16 AM October 28th from Twhirl


Awesomely random: Just got an email that my blog is featured on Dog-Health-Problems.org.
6:33 PM October 27th from Twhirl



Latvian marketing co. admits to creating "meteor crater" to "boost interest" in the country. Get my travel agent on the phone.
4:21 PM October 26th from Twhirl


Me to 8 year-old: 'try these chick peas". Her: "No. They look like butts."
12:33 PM October 20th from Twhirl