It's time for Twitter recap because A) You guys need to know what I'm tweeting and B) I don't have a blog post idea.
For anyone STILL saying WTF is Twitter, there's a tutorial at the end from the awesome explainers at "In Plain English".
This just in: John Edwards IS father of lovechild. In other news: World not flat. 9:30 AM Jan 20th from Twhirl
9 y.o. has pantyliner wrapped around her thumb to help stop sucking it. "There's a whole box of these bandages under the sink." 7:01 PM Jan 19th from Twhirl
"and they smell really good." 7:02 PM Jan 19th from Twhirl
I can't hold my tongue any longer. I don't think "Pants on the Ground" is THAT funny. 10:06 PM Jan 17th from Twhirl
Great. Husband just walked in and my computer screen was on "Channing Tatum's Penis Scalded in Accident." 1:08 PM Jan 16th from Twhirl
Vanity Fair has sweaty shirtless Tiger Woods on cover. Still pass. 3:23 PM Jan 10th from Twhirl
Am I the only one who doesn't give a flying f*ck about Jay Leno and his time slots? 2:33 Jan 10th from Twhirl
Is Cupid a baby or a midget? 5:51 PM Jan 8th from Twhirl
No, Kidz Bop, you may not "Sing the Beatles". 6:30 Dec 28th from Twhirl
Just called my dog a 'dickwad'. That's not cool. 5:06 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl
Altho in my defense, he was being a total dickwad. 5:07 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl
Too awesome to make up: Just found out my daughter's bus driver's name is Mr. Horn 3:28 PM Dec 22nd from Twhirl
Toaster's broken. Gotta get this over to Sesame Street. 12:24 PM Dec 20th from Twhirl
Just because the Cheetah Girls aren't related doesn't mean they're not sistahs. 5:33 PM Dec 18th from Twhirl
Dear Naked Lady putting on makeup at the Y: Really? 8:03 PM Dec 17th from Twhirl
You know what blows? No matter how hard you slam the phone down, all the other person hears is *click* 4:52 PM Dec 8th from Twhirl
UGH. "The 12 Days of Christmas" is like the "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall" of Christmas carols. 11:02 PM Dec 6th from Twhirl
9 year olds during basketball game: "COACH! COACH!" Coach: "What?" Them : "It's SNOWING!!!!" 3:43 PM Dec 5th from Twhirl
Follow Me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.
Twitter.com/HappyHourSue
How do I know it's Delurker day? Because there's a logo.
Obviously it's very official blog business. The internet says so.
So here's the deal....."de-lurk" means leave a comment.
That means YOU my comment-challenged readers. (Mom). I know it's hard, but just for today so I know you're actually out there.
What's your favorite song? Who's your favorite Jonas brother? What are you wearing? What do you think of Kate's hair extensions? Why don't you know who Kate is?
Pimp your blog....ask me a question (not math)....or just say hey.
OK..........Go!
.....just....right down there...see where it says "comments"?....click it.......you can do this.....
Right now some of you are going- "Wait - I didn't know she had a baby....."
But I did.
And it was only nine years ago. I know right?
And as of today, I've officially lost the weight already.
OMG, you're saying. How did you do that so fast.
Was it dangerous to lose it so quickly? Maybe. But when I put my mind to something I'm like a crazy person with the dedication.
"So" -you want to know - "How Can I Lose the Baby Weight in Nine Short Years?"
Well, I'm gonna tell you how....but keep in mind not everyone will have results this quick.
I call my plan, "9 Months to Put In On, 9 Years to Take it Off". Please consult your doctor before starting this program.
STEP 1. PROCRASTINATION.
"I just had a baby" is a phrase that will easily buy you a good 3 years. No need to even attempt dieting or working out in years 1-3.
STEP 2. CARB-LOADING
Do you know the best way to reduce stress during childbearing years? Yes - Goldfish. Also bagels, Honeycomb, and those pretzel nuggets that are filled with peanut butter. NEVER throw away your child's half-eaten grilled cheese. There are starving children in Africa for the love of God.
STEP 3. DRINK
Alcohol should not be factored into your calorie intake during years 1-8 on account of it is considered a mandatory nutrient for anyone with young children.
STEP 4. JOIN GYM. DO NOT ATTEND.
This is a crucial part of the 9-Year plan. While you ARE allowed to sign up, get class schedules, buy sneakers, have your ID picture taken and fork out money, DO NOT GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The longer you stay away, the easier it is.
STEP 5. THE SUCKY PART
Sometime during Year 9, usually after a routine weigh-in at the doctor's office, reality will bitch-slap you into shelling out a bazillion dollars for a personal trainer and getting it done.
So! To recap, my unique 5-part plan takes nine years and costs 1 bazillion dollars.
This is where it would totally rock to say "I've been in Paraguay building houses with Habitat for Humanity."
But honestly I just have blog-block like you read about.
Here's some news, though: I did announce to my family yesterday that I'm "an Olympic Hopeful".
Technically, since the Winter trials are not final yet, I could still make the team.
Technically.
My 12 year old wants to know what sport. I say, "Curling, obviously."
Tomorrow I plan to tell the drycleaner that I'm an Olympic Hopeful and see if I get a discount.
Here's something that is good for like 15 straight minutes of hilarity: Find a friend and take turns trying to get your eyebrows to do "the Worm".
Somewhere, Habitat for Humanity just put me on their "Do Not Hire" list.
Which is unfair because while I wouldn't be so much with the nailing and the spackling, I would be an awesome cruise-director and would have beer pong and dance-offs and Martini-of-the-Day and don't even try to tell me that introducing Paraguay to body shots and how to do The Soulja Boy is not as important as dumb houses.
Email me for references, Habitat for Humanity.
If i don't respond right away it's cuz I'm at curling practice.
UPDATE!!!!! how freakin awesome is this- sent in by "anonymous' just now:
