When Crafting Dolls Go Horribly, Horribly Wrong

Sooooooooooo............yeah.

I've solved your last minute gift-giving dilemma cuz look!: "Birthing Dolls".

Good thing her breasts are covered by her very modest robe.

See how she's smiling?? So fun!!!!!!

(what even IS that???? A brain with a foot???)

Lady, childbirth may not be your biggest problem.

Really, it's tricky to crochet a good placenta.

Yeah, these'll run you about $150....but imagine the hours of fun! Pull him out, stuff him back in.....pull him out, stuff him back in.

I can't quite put my finger on what's missing here though....

Oh, right. The screaming. Duh.

A Royal Wedding!!!!?? Stab Me in the Brain With a Fork.

OMG, OMG, OMG.

Alert the Franklin Mint.

Never mind they're on it:

Holy collectible coins and pill boxes. William and Kate are engaged.

I know, I know......it's gonna be like the biggest TiVo-tastic event of the decade...and a bajillion people are gonna watch it live....and the entire population of Britain and probably Wales is going to spontaneously combust from excitement...and Diana herself will probably ride down from heaven on a sparkly unicorn.

I'm trying to care, I swear.

I think maybe if he were THIS kind of prince

I'd tune in.

In any event, I have one wish for the future princess...and that is that there is a Franklin Mint baby doll made in her likeness.......

...because that's not creepy at all.

See? All I Needed Was An Extra Hour's Sleep. Also: This Post Has Lesbians.

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Double Rainbow

I love this dude. LOVE him. It's a double rainbow and his mind is blown.

Jesus, That's Random.

If you don't pay attention to the highway guardrails, you might miss some important info.

Spotted this a couple days ago. Pulled the car over, jumped out, looked both ways, darted through traffic, took a cellphone pic and thought: "Isn't 'judgement' spelled with an E?"

Nevertheless. How glad are you guys that I saw this!

So my first thought, as always, is: 'What does this mean for ME.' And the answer is, I have a lot less time left than I thought cuz according to the movie...and the Mayans...we all had until December 2012, so: total rip.

And by the way, I'm no historian, but who decided the MAYANS know everything? When did the MAYANS become like the FrankinCovey of man's existence?

Where was I.

Oh yeah. Jesus.

So I texted him.

Me: may 21 2011 wtf?

Jesus: hahaha

Me: random

Jesus: :)

Me: u cant wait til dec 2012?

Jesus: ?

Me: mayans. 2012. big movie. John Cusak

Jesus: mayannnnnnnssss LOL

Me: great. so 7 mos?

Jesus: and 3 wks :D

Me: how am i looking?

Jesus: ur fine. haha jk

Me: nice

Dammit.

My Palms Are Literally Sweating From The Awkwardness

Oh my God.

Oh.    My.   God.


Stayfree Maxipads? Has created a web commercial with a shirtless dude that is quite possibly the most douche-tastic/awkward/cringe-inducing 3 minutes to ever hit the interwebs.

I have to watch it like I'm watching a slasher movie. Through my fingers.

At any moment I'm sure my computer screen is going to implode because it has called some worm-hole of awkwardness in the the universe.

So- here: don't say I didn't warn you..... and tell me if you think he has a raisin stuck to his butt.

This Just In: Apples Not Falling Far From Trees

Here's the problem with the Nature vs. Nurture debate when it comes to my kids' behavior in the universe.


There's no winning. It's both.


My genes + my behavior = conformity Fail.


Is this not every mom's bedtime ritual with their 10 year old daughter?
Me: "Love you.."
Her: "Love you."
Me: "Forever..."
Her: "and ever."
(together) "More than the moon and the stars and the universe"
(Fist bump-explosion)
(Soulja Boy dance together) "SUPAman... o- now wa' me YOUuuuuuu.....now wa' me YOUuuuuuuu..."
(see below :30-:45)




Swear to God. I do the Soulja Boy every night with my 4th grader. Sometimes we do it in a British accent.

Anyway, the other night I'm rifling through her school papers trying to figure out why she's fallen behind in homework and she's got THIS proudly tucked in the front of her folder:

Which, while awesome, is giving me an eerily familiar glimpse into her prioritizing.


SO we had a big talk about buckling down... and the importance of homework.... and her response was this.

Her: "Can I wear my mustache?'
Me: "Of course."

Never Forget

I ask this every year, but I think it's important to remember....where were you when you heard?

Pet Math

Giant Schnauzer with Post-Traumatic 

Stress Syndrome from 4th of July fireworks

plus +

white trash neighbor 

happy hour target practice

equals =

screen door fail.

Happy Friday to me.

Football Season Has Begun! Go Red Sox.

I don't know how else to put this.

I don't care about football.

Pro......college.......flag...... don't care.

Don't get it, don't understand it, don't watch it.

Yes, I was a cheerleader in high school. Cuz here's the thing: Outfits? Adorable. Black skirt, white sweater with a big red "R", pom-poms.... it's important to pick your sports based on the cuteness quotient of the uniform. My other two sports in high school were field hockey and tennis, no lie. Win or lose, at the end of the day you're wearing a cute skirt.

Then in college, my girlfriends and I made every single football game. We just didn't get beyond the parking lot tailgate. The mass exodus of everybody else going back into the game was like holding a party with intermissions.

It makes my husband mental when I actually do sit down while he's trying to watch a game and start asking questions.

"Is that guy allowed to have hair that long?"
"Why are they all wearing black arm bands?"
"Why do they keep showing that woman? Is that his wife?"
"Why doesn't the coach know the Gatorade bucket is coming?"
"How do they draw those computer lines under the players?"
"HE'S cute."


But! I am going to be a good sport and get into the whole Fantasy Football thing.....

Here is my Fantasy Football starting lineup:

We are going to kick ass.

Weekend LOL Video

Have an awesome Labor Day Weekend, dads....rock on.

The Only Thing Worse Than Being a Chilean Miner Trapped Underground For a Month

....is being the Chilean miner whose wife and mistress just found out about each other while holding vigils above ground.

"f*ck my life"

True story, read about it today.

Dude.

How bad does your life have to suck when 32 guys trapped 700 meters underground with limited light, excessive heat, rationed food and the promise of MAYBE getting rescued by Christmas.....feel bad for you.

What I really wanna see? Is Rescue Day.

They'll be all "Dios mio!!! They've broken through! We are saved! Manuel, mi amigo! Lets go!!'

and he'll be all "Nah, I'm good....I'm gonna....you know, clean up the place....you guys go ahead."

Twitter Recap

If you're not following me on Twitter, this is what you've missed. Honestly, I don't know how you function.



I strongly disagree with the river tubing company's giant sign. Alcohol and tubing DO mix.
2:21 PM June 28th via Twhirl


9 year old : "How do people with afros wear helmets?"
3:30 PM July 5th via Twhirl


Our fireworks were so kickass last night that the dog ran away overnight.
8:03PM July 5th via Twhirl


Summer homework is such a f*cking buzzkill
10:45 PM July 18th via Twhirl


OOooh. Hot guy just ran up my cul-de-sac. How fast can I make a lemonade stand.
10:45 AM July 19th via Twhirl


BlogHer just suspended my ads for lack of posting. Feel like a grounded teenager. I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN! Or something.
6:20 PM July 19th via Twhirl


How completely epic would it be if Kevin Costner does, in fact, save the Gulf.
6:24 PM July 20th via Twhirl


Teen: "She's not texting me back." Me: "Why don't you call her house?" Teen: "That's weird."
7:53 PM July 23rd via Twhirl


My muffler just fell off. Or my tailpipe. It's a rusty metal tubey-thingy. Do I need it?
4:25 PM July 25th via Twhirl


9 year old: "Do all the astronauts on the moon live together?'
9:39 AM Aug 3rd via Twhirl


True story: Trainer just texted me: "Sorry I called your shoulders 'old pieces of meat'. I apologize."
2:03 PM Aug 11th via Twhirl


OK people, I have a petition here for the kids to go back to school a week early. Who's with me.
11:23 AM August 13th via Twhirl


These kids are so far up my ass I feel like I'm giving birth.
11:25 AM August 13th via Twhirl


OK this is an opening line you never wanna hear: "Mom? you know that green plastic stuff Ziggy threw up yesterday?..."
10:25 AM August 15th via Twhirl


"....now there's a string of it coming out of her butt." FML.
10:26 AM August 15th via Twhirl

Weekend LOL Video

How bad do I want a fainting goat.

Holy CRAP That Was Fun

So 3 days later, I think the vodka is finally out of my bloodstream from BlogHer '10.

I learned many, many things... but if I could share just one with you, it would be this: After drinking and dancing til 4 am, just because the mini-bar in your room HAS vodka and cranberry juice? Doesn't mean you should MAKE some.

You're welcome.

Roomed with blond bombshell extraordinaire Lisalicious from Mommedy for the 2nd year in a row because A.) She is my best friend and B.) I get lots of free stuff when I'm with her.

In hindsight, could have done without the free "mind-eraser" shots, but as we've already discussed, my judgement wasn't exactly on high-alert.

Were there any guys there? Hell yes.

Hey, a girl can still look, right?


I'm gonna wager that this is one of the few conferences that sports both a Metamucil booth and a vibrator booth...

All I can tell you is: One of these tables? I had to elbow my way in to get a pic. For real.



And sometimes....if you're lucky.........

You'll run into a celebrity so awesome you find yourself begging to take a picture..

and he signs his autographs:

"Love, The Sun".

Yes, I'll Be Posting About BlogHer....

but.

I got to bed at 5am.

On account of I was dancing at Posh in NYC til it closed.

Wait, you're saying. Isn't Posh a gay bar?

Where hot young men go to meet other hot young men?

yes.

yes it is.

Drive-bys and Chicken Gangs

So you know your writer's block is bad when your advertisers inform you that you're not going to get "paid" unless you "post" more "often"..in fact they're going to "remove" their "ads" until they see "fresh content".

Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.

I feel like a grounded teenager.

Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.

Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."


My neighborhood:

You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.

So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:

The f*ck.

Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."

Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"

Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."

Me: "So wild hamsters?"

Husband: (rolls eyes. walks away.)



I'm just askin:

Happy 4th of July

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Alzheimer's Scare Averted

My husband so doesn't think this conversation was that funny.

I disagree.



Husband: Can I talk to you about something?

Me: What's up?

Husband: I don't want to scare you or anything....sit down.

Me: Jesus! What???!!!

Husband: Well.... I know you've said the sleeping pills affect your memory a little...but lately you've really been forgetting things a lot. Like, a LOT.

Me: (horrified) Like I've been repeating myself?????

Husband: No.....like you forget to do stuff....

Me: Like what???????

Husband: Well, like you know how I asked you to return my shirts to Macy's..... and to return the pendant lights to the store..... and give that check to the neighbor?

Me: Yeah.....

Husband: You keep forgetting to do it.

Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha oh.

Husband: What's so funny.

Me: I didn't forget...I just didn't do it.

Husband: ? Why not?

Me: I dunno. I just didn't.

Husband: (perplexed) So you did remember I asked you to do it....

Me: Yes.

Husband: ....but you chose not to.

Me: Correct.

Husband: And how should I feel about that.

Me: Relieved. Your wife just had an Alzheimer's scare. But she pulled through.

Husband: (*sigh*) So.....you will get that stuff done.

Me: What stuff.