Drive-bys and Chicken Gangs

So you know your writer's block is bad when your advertisers inform you that you're not going to get "paid" unless you "post" more "often"..in fact they're going to "remove" their "ads" until they see "fresh content".

Translation: Ragu is not going to send me a check for drinking iced coffee by the pool.

I feel like a grounded teenager.

Anyway. My anxiety-ridden 9 year old (the one who wants to know if I've ever used my pepper spray on a Ninja and who practices her stop-drop-and roll...) has a new fear.

Her: "Mom? I'm really scared."
Me: "Scared of what?"
Her: "Drive-bys. I don't want you to get killed in a drive-by."


My neighborhood:

You can't really see in this picture, but that mailbox is riddled with bullet holes.

So, I explained about there being no gang activity in the immediate vicinity....but I may have spoken too soon because yesterday I looked out my window and saw this:

The f*ck.

Husband: "Those are domesticated chickens. You can tell. They don't run away."

Me: "You mean as opposed to super-fast WILD chickens?"

Husband: "Yes, wiseass.. for every animal there is a wild version."

Me: "So wild hamsters?"

Husband: (rolls eyes. walks away.)



I'm just askin:

Happy 4th of July

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Alzheimer's Scare Averted

My husband so doesn't think this conversation was that funny.

I disagree.



Husband: Can I talk to you about something?

Me: What's up?

Husband: I don't want to scare you or anything....sit down.

Me: Jesus! What???!!!

Husband: Well.... I know you've said the sleeping pills affect your memory a little...but lately you've really been forgetting things a lot. Like, a LOT.

Me: (horrified) Like I've been repeating myself?????

Husband: No.....like you forget to do stuff....

Me: Like what???????

Husband: Well, like you know how I asked you to return my shirts to Macy's..... and to return the pendant lights to the store..... and give that check to the neighbor?

Me: Yeah.....

Husband: You keep forgetting to do it.

Me: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha oh.

Husband: What's so funny.

Me: I didn't forget...I just didn't do it.

Husband: ? Why not?

Me: I dunno. I just didn't.

Husband: (perplexed) So you did remember I asked you to do it....

Me: Yes.

Husband: ....but you chose not to.

Me: Correct.

Husband: And how should I feel about that.

Me: Relieved. Your wife just had an Alzheimer's scare. But she pulled through.

Husband: (*sigh*) So.....you will get that stuff done.

Me: What stuff.

I'm Not Photoshopping the Wiener Out

First of all, that is just the greatest post title ever.

Here's what happened.

I'm having my kitchen painted (yay!) and my D-bag Giant Schnauzer decides to run through the paint tray (boo...) so I take a picture of him:

Yeah.

So the question becomes: Do I import the photo into Photoshop and deal with the situation or do I say screw it.

Exactly. So there you have it: my dog covered in paint...and other stuff. (*sigh*)



In other Awesome Pet News.... my husband totally caved in to the 9 year old and let her get two hermit crabs .. They came with this pamphlet....see if you spot the problem.

For the love of God.

Why Did The Turtle Cross The Road?

F*ck if I know.

All I know is, the one thing I don't have time for in the morning scramble to drive the kids to school is animal rescue.

Especially since I'm still in my PJs - T shirt and boxers - with mens' basketball sneakers thrown on at the last minute.

But as we turn out of the neighborhood onto a busy street, here's this freakin giant ancient turtle inching its way across the road.  So I pull the SUV over, jump out- in my pajamas - and run over to it and try to pick it up by its shell like I'm Steve Irwin.

Which is pretty much when it turned into "Gamera" from the old Godzilla movies.

Whips its head around and tries to bite my arms off. Well. Almost. It whipped its head around and snapped. Anyway I dropped his Japanese subtitled ass fast.

Me yelling to kids in car: "It's a SNAPPING turtle!!!!"

Kids: "Save it, Mom!!!!!"

(now the cars are backed up waiting on the impromptu woman vs. Gamera battle that is about to ensue.)

So I grab a big stick. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would've been Steve Irwin's move.

And I try to Super-poke him off to the side.

Gamera: "Your stick is no match for my Jaws of Death!" (snaps at the stick)

Me: "I'm just tryin to HELP you, you retard!" (poke)

Gamera: "Let the battle begin. My Kung Fu is strong." (snap)

Me: "Idiot! Can you say 'roadkill'???????" (poke)

Gamera: "Can YOU say: 'ugly pajamas'?" (snap)

Me: "MOVE you freakshow!" (poke)

Gamera: "I'M the Freakshow?  Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?" (snap)

Me: "I wasn't planning on Roadkill Intervention for an ugly-ass turtle.." (poke)

Gamera: "That was unnecessary."

Me: "Agreed. I apologize."

Gamera: "Let us end our battle with honor."

Me:" OK then."

Gamera: "I shall continue my journey across the street."

Me: "Whatever."

Mom Facts

The greatest thing about being a parent is that up until the age of 13, your kids take every word you say as gospel.  Granted, this does tend to bite you in the ass when the information is shared on the playground.

My 9 year old: "Tiger Woods is probably gonna die soon from a disease you can get from having too many girlfriends."

Other 9 year old: "How do you know?"

My 9 year old : "My mom told me."

Listen. It's not totally out of the question.


Anyway. So this morning we had the following dialogue regarding nutrition:

Her: "Is the sugar in fruit just as bad as the sugar in candy?"

Me: "No. Your body uses fruit sugar for energy but stores bad sugar like bread as fat."

Her: "You mean your body puts the bread right in your butt?"

Me: '"Exactly."

Her: "That's mean..."

Me: "It IS mean."

Her: "Can you ever get it out?"

Me:" If you stop eating bad sugar it'll go away. Or you can have an operation."

Her: "There's an operation to get the bread out of your butt?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Do they just cut it off?"

Me: "No. They vacuum it out."

Her:" Does it hurt to vacuum bread out of your butt?"

Me: "Yes. "

Her: "But not as much as having a baby right?"

Me: "Nothing hurts as much as having a baby. That's why women are actually stronger than men."

Her: "I'm never having a baby."

Me: "Well you don't have to."

Her: "On 'Glee', Quinn said Puck made her pregnant...how does a boy make a girl pregnant?"

Me: "He can't unless the girl wants to be pregnant and they get permission from God."


Mom Facts. Because We Said So.

It's Started.

Holy crap. It's started.

The ugly...terrifying...inevitable descent into Uncool.

I thought I had a few years to go: My ringtone is Lady Gaga. I buy my jeans at Wet Seal. I Facebook, I Twitter, I Blog, I've even Skyped.

But, as with my own mother....it all starts.... with a song lyric.


Year: 1985
Song: "Heartache Tonight"
Artist: The Eagles

My mom: "....There's gonna be a party tonite, a party tonite-"
Me: "HEARTACHE!!!!!!!!"
My mom: "..heartache tonite, I know..."



Year: Present Day
Song: "Fifteen"
Artist: Taylor Swift

Me: "....and when you're - sixteen and-"
Tween: "FIFTEEN!!! God, Mom."
Me: "..fifteen and-somebody tells you they love you.."



Year: Present Day
Song: Love Story
Artist: Taylor Swift

Me: "...and I was cryin' in the bathroom, beggin-"
Tween: "CRYIN' ON THE STAIRCASE!!!!"
Me"...cryin' on the staircase, beggin' you please don't go.."



Year: Present Day
Song: My Immortal
Artist: Evanescence

Me: "...and I washed your - hands for all of-"
Tween: "Oh My GOD!!! HELD YOUR HAND!!!!!"
Me: "...held your hand for all of these years.."


Lame, party of one.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse....

She posts it on Facebook.

Weekend Amazing Video

These girls are un-freakin-believeable. (once again, spellcheck says no)

Watch the whole thing- they blow away the whole Naval Academy by the end.

Twitter Recap

Obama warns of evils of ipods and ipads. Also, get off his lawn.
6:05 pm May 10th via Twhirl


Tweeting from my new ipad bitches!!!!!!!!
6:05 pm May 10th via Twhirl

God I am so hip I could throw up.
6:06 pm May 10th via Twhirl

Altho I probably just cancelled it out with the word 'hip'.
6:07 pm May 10th via Twhirl


I know the Times Square bomber thing is serious but: 72 virgin Fail.
10:07am May 7th via Twhirl

Also: do female suicide bombers get virgins too?
10:08 am May 7th via Twhirl


Husband picking up tween's Edward Cullen T-shirt: "Where should I put her 'Team Howard' shirt." *sigh*
8:02 am May 5th via Twhirl


Why FoxNews.com is awesome: "Woman Bedbound for 6 Months By Huge Breasts". This is news I need to know.
1:29 pm May 3rd via Twhirl


"Expunged". That's just a fun-ass word to say.
7:59 pm May 2nd via Twhirl


Picking out my "tell your husband you scraped his Mercedes" outfit. Think I'll go with shorts and cleavage.
2:03 pm May 2nd via Twhirl


By the time we realize CSI and NCIS have taken over all television programming it'll be too late.
8:02 pm April 29th via Twhirl


9 year old getting in car after bus stop: "What were we talking about?" Other 9 year old: "How huggable pandas are."
6:20 pm April 28th via Twhirl


My newly groomed dog has some cologne on that smells like an old boyfriend. It's very disconcerting.
6:40 pm April 26th via Twhirl


WTF. I can never make raisin toast the first time around. I always have a burn do-over.
1:45 pm April 23rd via twhirl


Telling myself a cold Philly cheesesteak is acceptable breakfast because it had bacon on it.
9:51 am April 23rd via Twhirl


The third time you sneeze? I'm not really blessing you. It's more of a WTF.
6:52 pm April 21st via Twhirl


Quote of the day: 'Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
3:33 pm April 21st via twhirl.



Follow me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.
Twitter.com/HappyHourSue

Sorry- I've Been Sick With Scarlet Fever

No, I haven't.

But I like the name. It's very dramatic.

And you could picture me lying in bed with one of those old fashioned water bottle thingys on my forehead. (spellcheck says 'thingys" is not a word)

And there would be a couple of nuns pacing around with bowls of water and bibles and speaking in hushed tones.

Plus, my doctor would be referred to as "Doc". As in, "Doc Rivers says it's The Fever".

And my whole family would be kept waiting outside because I'd be too weak.. unless someone could make a call to Robert Pattinson's people about a 'last wish"..that'd be sweet.

Then I'd be all: "get me my makeup...." and the nuns would bring me like a lipstick and I'd be all "No, you dumbass, I need my Philosophy moisturizer, my Mac undereye concealer, my Bare Essentuals powder, my "soft cocoa" eyeshadow collection, my L'oreal mascara, my Sephora mint lipgloss and a spritz of my Bath & Body "warm vanilla sugar" body spray. God.

Then I'd summon all my strength and change into like a cute tank top and boy shorts cuz that's a good death outfit and an even better meeting Robert Pattinson outfit.


Anyway.  It WOULD totally explain why I havent posted in (just went back to check)... 2 weeks.

But it's just writers block again- I am so firing myself if this keeps up.

Weekend LOL Video

This. Is. Awesome.

Booze vs. Flip Flops.

Most Wasted Guy at Coachella vs. Flip Flop - watch more funny videos

Fess Up, Y'all.

OK I'll admit it: I *heart* Facebook.

"Like" button. Like, like, like. Poke. Comment. Add friend. Accept friend request. Suggest friends. Chat. Comment some more.

It is the awesomest time-suck ever. (spell check is telling me "awesomest" is not a word. It has no problem, apparently, with 'time-suck". )

Where was I. Oh yeah- one of my absolute favorite things to do on Facebook is "become a fan of" pages.

You can become a fan of pages like "Support Same Sex Marriage" or other important crap, but you can also join groups like:

"I Don't Remember Getting This Bruise"

"Thinking If U Raise Your Cell Phone 6 Inches In the Air U Will Get Service"

"I Re-do High Fives If They Weren't Good Enough the First Time"

"I Say Dude Right Before I Say Something Moderately Important"

and

"Anne Frank Would Be So Pissed If She Knew Everyone Read Her Diary"

All of which I am a member.

So anyway. I joined this group yesterday called "Things I'm Embarrassed to Admit I Like".

And I am going to give you my answers....but I want YOU guys to put an answer in the comments as well. K? Isn't this fun? We can all be douchey together. (spellcheck says no.)

Ok. THINGS I'M EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I LIKE:

Disco

Sportacus from LazyTown

clogs

Rock of Love, Daisy of Love, For the Love of Ray j, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Real Chance of Love, Tough Love

Abba

Spongebob

rollerskating

Flintstones vitamins

the macarena

Wham

Milli Vanilli

Drake Bell

Pop Rocks

Yanni (he's soothing, you guys)

The Jo Bros' TV show

Zima


Ok, let's hear it......

Twitter Recap: Because It's Earth Week.

1. Might tell the dentist I can't make it tomorrow because of the ash cloud.3:58 PM Apr 18th via Twhirl
   
   
   
2. The definition of awkward: When you have a full conversation with an acquaintance in the grocery store then you see them in the next aisle.7:46 PM Apr 14th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Think I'm gonna have my kids start calling me 'Mummy".12:15 PM Apr 15th via Twhirl
   
   I know Justin Beiber is like the hottest thing in music right now? But I just want to make him a PB&J. With the crusts cut off.7:25 PM Apr 14th via Twhirl
3. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Just notified that "Taylor Lautner is now following you on Twitter". Do I know it's not really him? yes. Did my heart jump anyway? yes.5:27 PM Apr 13th via Twhirl
   
   Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 2 babymamas.1:03 PM Apr 12th via Twhirl
   
   No, you can't pay me in gum.2:57 PM Apr 9th via Twhirl
4. 
   
   17 y.o. just informed me that Smart Water is the best kind because "Dude. it's from the clouds."8:18 AM Apr 8th via web
   
   
   
   
   
5. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Teacher to 3rd graders taking standardized test today: 'If you're so nervous u need 2 throw up, do it away from 
   your test."8:05 PM Apr 7th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
6. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   We felt the earthquake here in PA! No, we didn't. I'm just feeling left out.12:54 PM Apr 5th via Twhirl
   
   Day 11 of kids' spring vacation. Googling clocktowers in the area to bring my high-powered rifle to.7:02 PM Apr 4th via Twhirl
7. 
   
   
   
   
   
8. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   (telemarketer on caller ID) Me:"Tell 'em to bite me". 
   12 y.o.: "Bite me." (slams phone). Husband: 'Nice parenting."11:48 AM Apr 4th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
9. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   My 12 year old says she's embarrassed that her new 
   phone still has a "mom ringtone". 11:56 AM Mar 20th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
10. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    12 y.o: "Why do we have a foreign mailman?" Me: "He's not." Her: "Then why is his steering wheel on the wrong side."10:09 AM Mar 18th via Twhirl
    
    
    
    
    
    
11. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    9 year old: "I think our bus driver is blind. He wears those dark blind people sunglasses and never takes them off."6:42 PM Mar 17th via Twhirl
    
    
    
    
    
    
12. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    File under 'unintentinonally funny": Today's school lunch is "Sea Wonders".12:14 PM Mar 8th via Twhirl
    
    
    
    
    
13. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    If my husband doesn't want to drive important clients in a 
    car with black banana peels and congealed ice cream I need more of a heads up.3:50 PM Feb 25th via Twhirl
    
    Follow me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Twitter.com/HappyHourSue