Into The WarZone

Help me Jesus.

Next Friday is the "Book Launch" for the Chicken Soup for the Soul book I'm in...at the Barnes & Noble in New York City.

Never mind that to get there I have to drive through the Lincoln Tunnel, AKA 'The Claustrophic Tunnel of Doom'...but as we all know I'm heading straight for the über-cluster of Swine Flu.

Like the hero firefighter going into the burning building. OK, not at all like that, but still.

So my sister who lives in Manhattan and who has a completely normal brain totally knows me and is all: "Are you still coming?" and I'm all: "Why- cuz of the Airforce One flyby scare or the swine flu?" and she's all "Both."

Then the Chicken Soup publicist emails me and asks would I want to do an interview beforehand for CBS RADIO and had to act all "Sure I can fit that in" meanwhile I'm all "WTF - How am I supposed to sound coherent when I'm baked on valium????!!!!"

Plus- Dooce is in the book too. What is she shows up and wants to kick my ass?

Although I'm a pretty good kickboxer. I could totally take her as long as she's not tall. Her face looks like she's tall.

Anyway.

If I survive the Lincoln Tunnel, terrorist attack simulations, swine flu exposure, tangling with Dooce and accidental valium overdose, you should totally try to hear my interview on CBS radio.

Unless you're planning on calling in and being all: "Your guest sounds like she's on something - you should ask her."

Amazon ***hearts*** the Swine Flu

Actual Amazon product listing - love the review.

(No, I wasn't shopping for swine flu masks.....I still have my bird flu stock.)

				Pandemic Swine Flu First Aid and Safety Kit Offered by BP MEDICAL SUPPLIES Price: $25.00 Availability: In Stock
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:  Brilliant product, April 27, 2009 This product is one of the best purchases I have ever made. I have had it three days and haven't caught swine flu yet. 100% success rate.  Comment | Permalink

Swine Flu Preparedness

After terrorist attacks, pandemics are my second favorite disaster to worry about.

(natural disasters coming in a distant third since Pennsylvania sees few earthquakes and almost no tsunamis.)

So when they announced yesterday that this "swine flu" had pandemic capabilities I thought

#1, Gross. The only thing worse than a dirty, smelly pig is a coughing, feverish, sneezing pig and - 

#2. I don't want to die before "Twilight: New Moon" comes out.

So I said to my husband don't worry- I totally still have all my Y2K stuff like my propane stove and hand-cranked radio and he was all: "a flu pandemic won't affect the electricity." and I was all: "yeah not right AWAY..." because I've read enough Stephen King books to know that people don't become zombies until the virus mutates - then they totally organize into zombie armies and attack the power grids so the non-zombies are at a disadvantage, and the zombies don't need electricity anyway on account of they eat people raw and they have night vision.

And then he said something about antibacterial soap and common sense at which point I tuned out because I realized it was totally up to me to get a preparedness kit ready.

Which will absolutely include plastic sheeting and duct tape because everybody knows that zombie-invasion is the perfect time for a terrorist attack.

Flashback Friday Video

Oh snap.

Do I miss SOOOOOOUUUUUUULLLLLLLL Train.

We all could use a little more gold lamé.

Check it out: Let it Whip.

Gardener's Corner

First neighbors' daffodils

Second neighbors' daffodils

Third neighbors' daffodils

My daffodils

Open Letter to the Weeds

(Yes, I did post this last April. Still applies.)








April 20

Dudes.

What the hell.

Do we have to go through this every year? It's the first warm day of the year, I go out to my front walk and you're all: "We're here and we're ready to party".

Didn't I make my intentions clear last year? Don't you remember the RoundUp, the WeedBGone, the weeding pail, the sweating?

Don't you see how we keep repeating old patterns? You show up, I kill you. You show up again, I kill you again. What part of "I will kill you" do you not understand?

Don't you have any dignity? Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for you. By the way, The Mulch totally agrees with me.

So, I'd appreciate it if we could just get on with our lives.

As we used to say in sorority rush, I think you'd be happier at another house.

- Sue

p.s. do not text me.

Haters!

My goodness.

Got a comment today from "Anonymous" on 'The Slaughter of Joe Jonas' post. Which, BTW, was back in January.

Anonymous said...

I dont get da joke.....?? u know wat joe and edward r f'kn hor yr just another hater!!!  U know wat go get a freakin life nd da pl dat think its funny.......... 

APRIL 16, 2009 1:58 PM 

OK.  What I THINK that says is:

"I don't get the joke. You know what? Joe and Edward are f%*kin' hot - you're just another hater!! You know what? Go get a freakin' life and the people that think it's funny."  (that's you guys)

Dear Anonymous,

  Settle down. You know what?  I'm going to guess that this is your first time here.   

If you would kindly go back and read the archives you would come to see that we are, in fact, sisters in our love for Joe and Edward and their f%*kin' hotness. Ask "da pl dat think its funny"- they'll tell you.

I can understand your outrage at seeing a photo of Flat Joe's head ripped to bits then Flat Edward's sub-par cranium size.......but I assure you it was not my doing.

OK the pea head was, but only because my depth perception at Kinko's was off. I regret it to this day. 

Please. Can't we all just get along?

-HHS

More News I Don't Understand

Sooooooo..........there's this protesting going on today..........and it's called a Tea Party. Only it doesn't look like a FUN party.....and there's no actual TEA involved...like THIS Tea Party..












But it's all over Twitter, and people are using topic tags ("hashtags") to discuss it, including #teaparty,  #teabaggers and #teabagging.

Now.

I am not a political analyst....and I can't even say I'm completely on top of current events.

But dude, I know what teabagging is. And I feel confident in saying it has little or nothing to do with taxes.

And just for future Twitter discussions? You might also want to avoid #saladtossing, #pearlnecklace, #daisychain, and #shocker.

(Mom, don't look those up. Google is broken today.)

Wordless Wednesday

Back from Arizona!

Hey peeps! Missed you guys...I stayed off the computer for a whole week: and lived.

No blogging, Twitter, Facebook, email, Gmail, YouTube, Google, smutty Twilight fanfic, or Fox News.

Sorry I didn't schedule posts ahead of time or line up an awesome guest-poster but...well, I'm just not that organized.

So you'll be super-impressed that I flew from Philly to Arizona and back without a single panic attack due to my superior self-medicating skillz:

I honestly don't remember going through security because my drug and alcohol regime begins on the drive to the airport, but my husband tells me I got singled out and patted down. 

Hmmmm. Wonder if my "Terrorist Do's and Don'ts " post put me on some sort of watch list. Which would be excellent, as we know, in keeping with my plan to get Michelle Obama to read my blog.

Anyhoo, the whole sedated-like-I've-been-shot-with-an-elephant-tranquilizer thing is really working for me....with one tiny possible problem.

If we crashed but survived?.... like the Hudson plane? I might not be totally on top of the situation.

Stewardess: MA'AM! We have to evacuate NOW!

Me: THAT was a rough landing.

Stewardess: MA'AM! This is an emergency evacuation! You have to get out of the plane!

Me: I ordered a screwdriver like 20 minutes ago. And peanuts.

Stewardess: MA'AM you have to get out now!

Me: Hold up...My flip-flops are waaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy under this dude's seat.

Miracle Plane Crash: 147 Survivors, 1 Missing

Terrorist Do's and Don'ts

Listen. There is nothing funny about terrorist threats.

And today on the front page of Fox News (Yes, Fox News: Because, as I've told you, I need immediate notification of A) security threats and B) women who deliver babies into their sweatpants ) they reported that Baitullah Mehsud, commander of the Taliban in Pakistan, has declared that he is going to mastermind an attack on Washington "that will amaze the world".

As I said, not funny.

But. THIS is the picture they ran with the article.

I promise this is not an April Fools post.

Um....where to begin.

Baitullah, Baitullah, Baitullah....

WHEN THREATENING THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD:

DO: Spend a little extra on a good conditioner. If your curls aren't shiny and bouncy, you'll just come off looking like a rastafarian poodle.

DON'T: Rock a tired old "bad guy" bandana. It screams 'amatuer' and just reminds us of Michael Jackson.

DON'T: Wear a hat that looks like an apple pie. In fact, all pastry-themed headgear is decidedly unscary.

Yanni hair-havin', Mrs. Smith's apple pie hat-wearin', cartoon bank-robber scarf-rockin' mofo...

Post Mortem Dating Rules

So yesterday I was at my daughter's soccer game, and there was a Dad there with his new second wife and she was like 26. And pretty. And word has it she was a professional cheerleader.

So I decided I needed to have a serious talk with my husband.

Me: If I die, I don't want you to marry a cheerleader.

Husband: What?

Me: Or a model or a Hooters girl.

Husband: Are you planning on dying soon?

Me: I could die in a fiery car crash tomorrow. You need to lay these things out. Kind of like a will.

Husband: Except instead of giving things away, you're taking things away.

Me: She can't be prettier, or younger, or skinnier than me.

Husband: Can she cook better?

Me: (thinking....) Sure.

Husband: Better housekeeper, more organized, budget-conscious?

Me: I have no problem with that. Oh! And she can't have a blog.

Husband: Oh, damn.

Me: Well, unless it was like a cooking blog.

Husband: Gotcha. So someone fat, old and unattractive who can cook.

Me: Yes. And you can't go out with our friends.

Husband: What, me and Mrs. Doubtfire can't have a social life?

Me: No. And I want a big oil painting of me over the mantle.

Husband: What if you just sustain massive injuries in the crash that require years of rehabilitation and I have to take care of you in addition to my job...then can I date a cheerleader?

Me: An old, fat cheerleader.

Husband: Deal.

Trippy Video

This is why I love YouTube.

"Natural Hallucinogen"

More Spam Love

From my spam inbox:

Edith

show details Mar 23 (1 day ago)

Reply

Hello,

How are you today? I hope you are fine. If so thank be to God  almigthy.
please excuse me, I saw your contact email while browsing through the internet so I decided to contact you despite that I
have not seen you in person.  My name is Edith,  23 years from Democratic Republic Of Congo in Central Africa. I am single girl looking for honest and nice person. Somebody who care and fear God whom I can partner with. I don't care about your colour or ethnicity.

I would like to know you more, most especially what you like and what you
dislike.I'm sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much happiness.
Thanks and God bless.


Love from,
 Edith Patrick

Reply

Forward

Dear Edith,

    Thank be to God almighty that you found my email address. You won't believe this, but I AM honest AND nice person AND I care and fear God. That's 4 for 4. What are the odds.

I'm a little fuzzy on the whole "partnering with" thing, so if you could be a little more specific I would be thankful to God.

So! On to my "likes and dislikes".

Likes: sleeping, mojitos, valet parking, disco rollerskating, snow days (because of the sleeping), pedicure chairs that have that massage button, cool ranch Doritos, skorts, Robert Pattinson's jawline, the Electric Slide, pistachio nuts, self-tanner, those mascot guys that restaurants hire to wave at traffic, The Outback's chopped salad, EZ Pass, people who sing alone in their cars, really large hoop earrings, the crunchy part of turkey stuffing, the Geek Squad, cold chardonnay, and the Swiffer mariachi guys.

Dislikes: Good n' Plenty, ants, brain freeze, people who catch you singing alone in your car, historical fiction, sesame seeds, when your arm falls asleep in the middle of the night, Celine Dion, Harry Potter, figs, cruisewear, and that beginning part of the car wash where you have to line up your tire.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks be to God almighty.

Happy Hour Sue

Bathtub Gangsta Meets Action Figure Edward Cullen

BG: Yo. What happened to you, G?
AFE: What. I must find Bella.
BG: You used to be taller, yo. For realz.

AFE: That's Flat Edward.
I'm Action Figure Edward.

BG: My bad...my bad.
But don't be frontin', G... What 'action'.

AFE: I love passionately.
Protect fiercely.
Brood a lot.

BG: Chillax, son. I am here to hook a brotha up.

BG: Check it, Cuz: Bratz with benefits.

AFE: Tell Bella I'm playing golf.

It Costs A Lot Of Money To Have Hair This Natural

I started coloring my hair blond when I was 18.

No- scratch that- 16- if you count "Sun-In" and lemon juice. Which always left me looking like Scott Peterson in his "about-to-make-a-run-for-it" days.

So once I got to college I upgraded to "Nice N' Easy" from the local drugstore. Hoping for the "Corn Silk Blonde" promised on the box, but ending up with "Trailer Trash Rust".

Once I graduated and started making some bank I said that's it- time for the big leagues - the Superbowl of haircoloring: The FULL FOIL HIGHLIGHT.

Yes. You look temporarily like you could bring in TV signals from Dubai.

And yes. It's ridiculously expensive.

But you say Hey: It's totally worth every penny because my hair is the blonde I always wanted... and it's natural-looking....and after all these years I finally can pass for being born this way....and you continue on with with the Magical Foils for years and years....and then one day your six year old says,

"Look, Mommy! I drew a picture of you!"

Foil highlight: $120
Tip: $25
Kid callin' it like it is: Priceless.

St. Patrick's Day Back in the Day

So let's say, hypothetically, you were bartending one night, and some corporate dudes from Baileys Irish Cream came and sat at your bar.

And let's say they asked if you wanted to hand out Bailey's shots and stickers on St. Patrick's Day at a bunch of bars.

And they'd pay you $500 plus free limo for the night.

Would the most important question be:

A) Is the $500 tax free

B) When does the shift begin and end

C) What time will the limo pick me up

or

D) Do I have to wear any kind of ridiculously over-sized headgear.

***Happy St. Patricks Day****

Who Wants More "Keyword Korner"?

Once again, it's time for me to share some phrases ("keywords") that my Google Analytics report says landed Googlers on my blog.

As always, I did not make this up.


"bacon boy anecdote"

No, no, I've told that one too many times and bacon boy gets upset.


"fat legged hotties"

I swear to God, Google, I've had it with the  "fat" traffic. But. Thanks for the "hottie" thing.


"gyn and annual and finger and butt"

First of all, you don't need the "and"s. Secondly, just make the appointment you weenie.


"Edward Cullen Joe Jonas happy meal drinking mom"

Well - OK - but you could just bookmark my site or subscribe.


"happy meals and ghosts don't have sex"

I'm going to......agree with you on that.


"does Sudafed brings forward the periode"

Um, sorry to tell ya, nothing brings forward the 'periode' except non-pregnancy.


"to-do list by the hour"

OK, you SO have the wrong girl.


"I'm a gangster and I can't keep the streets happy"

Obviously that one was meant for BG. I'll pass on your concern.


"Dooce Robert Pattinson"

Don't even.


"politically incorrect Play-doh"

I think that's cuz of Gangsta Mr. Bill:













Stupid? Sure. Offensive? I think not.

Why The Irish Are Awesome

I know this is gonna shock you guys, but - I'm Irish.

(!!)

As in, my Dad came to the States when he was 26-Irish.

(Don't adjust your computer monitor. Our skin is supposed to be that pale.)


We Americans think we take our partying seriously. We are strictly JV, people. The travel team is over there on the Emerald Isle.

One Sunday when my Dad and his friends were stuck in traffic, they asked the cop who was in charge of directing the traffic where a certain pub was.

After a few frustrating minutes of trying to explain, the cop said, "Ah hell- move over- I'll just go with ya." and left the traffic snarl to fend for itself.

Seriously. That is some prioritizing right there.

(Pubs were closed on Sundays, BTW...everyone knows you just go around and ring the side door bell.)

But my favorite is the "bona fide pubs".

Back in the day, when the pubs closed for the night, you could still get a drink at a "bona fide" pub. But there was a catch.

The bona fides were supposed to be only for 'The Weary Traveler". The rules were, only those who were "in the course of a journey"were allowed. And you had to have traveled 5 miles from where you slept.

So, my Dad and his buddies would close down one pub, hop in a car, drive 5 miles to a bona fide pub where the bouncer would come out:

Bouncer: "Bona fide?"

Dad & crew: "Bona fide."

Bouncer: "Come on in."

It's the thought that counts.

Typical Sunday Morning

So apparently when my husband went to take the dogs out this morning, there was an issue.

He walked down the staircase, calling the dogs after him when suddenly

TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-TUMBLE-THUD.

The 90 lb. puppy lands at the bottom looking panicked up at the landing at something that obviously freaked him so badly that he had a Class A- spazz-out.

My husband looks up and sees THIS:

Unbeknownst to anyone, my 8-year-old tied Happy Birthday balloons to the Guard Poodle's collar last night and she had to sleep that way.

I don't play that - for realz.