Amazon So Doesn't Care About My Writer's Block

Holy mother.

I TOTALLY forgot my blog was available on Kindle and Amazon was CHARGING .99 cents for it.

Apparently, they've been sending out apology emails to subscribers and offering them their money back. And booted me out of the Amazon Kindle family of offerings.

Awkward.

But guess what. I got a job. (!!!!!!!)  I know. I'm totally an executive right now. No, I'm not...but I wear heels and lipgloss and curse at people while I'm driving. So same thing.

Here's what I've learned my first week:

Things to Say When You're Getting Coffee to-go in the Morning at the Wawa:

"Another day, another dollar.."

"Is it Friday yet? hahahahaha"

"Workin' hard? Or hardly workin'?"

"Take this job and shove it - Am I right?"

"Are you gonna finish that pretzel?"



Things That Have Not Changed Since I Last Worked in 1997

Adding smiley faces or hearts to your "possession labels" in the office fridge so you don't seem like a selfish OCD bitch.

Minimum of 6 trial-and-error passes to figure out a double sided copy.

Do we, or do we not, get Columbus Day off.



Things I Have No Time For Now That I Work

Texting

Visiting my own Facebook page

Anybody else's laundry besides mine

Front step decoration and maintenance:

"Back off, I'm workin' for The Man."

Harry Potter Recap. Sort Of.

My account of the entire Harry Potter series... don't hold me to this. I don't really pay attention.

So. There are 23 Harry Potter books that were made into 18 movies. J.K. Rowling wrote them all on a napkin while she was on the Amtrak. All the movie titles are called "Harry Potter and..." except the 15th one, "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief."

Ok. Basically, if you're a wizard you go to a special school because you're weird and you'd be bullied at public school, and probably turn someone into a burrito and then the school would get sued.

The main thing you need to know is that Harry should totally be with Hermoine but for some random reason she ends up with Ron, who's a ginger, so that doesn't even make sense.

The Bad Guy's named Valdemort and even though he has a snake nose, I've seen scarier.

Um....there are lots of potions/owls/candles/snakes/goblins and spiders.

Everybody defends themselves with wands. I don't really know why they don't use their wands to conjure up guns, I think that'd be more useful against giant spider attacks.

Harry is the only person with a normal name, and that is why he is the most powerful. Everybody else is named like Hingus Puddingfoot.

There is a good amount of running.

The greatest mystery is why nobody is talkin' about THIS dude, who was smokin' hot.

OK, maybe that's related to my lingering Adam Ant crush.

*****SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!******


Harry lives, Voldemort dies.

If I missed something, leave a comment.

Rapture a Success!

Well this is awkward.

Sorry you all didn't make it this go-round....this is not the turnout we were expecting.

I'm lookin' at a lotta uneaten Chex Mix and Propel.

But I figure as long as they have wifi up here I can still blog and give you a little "insider information".


THINGS YOU FIND OUT IN HEAVEN:

• all the missing socks are here. They were too good for that world.

• Yes, there is a totally separate bug heaven.

• They're still working on fixing hail.

• Satan and the DMV have had a longstanding partnership, as suspected.

• Hundreds of thousands of people have died from mixing soda and Pop Rocks.

• Michael Jackson? not here.

 and finally....

• Yes, He sees everything you do.
Yes, even that.
 No, he doesn't think you're a pervert.
Except that one time.
You might wanna lay off that.

LOL I Almost Took An Anti-Nuclear Radiation Pill Instead of a Multivitamin

That was funny.

We've all done it, we've all done it, I know :)

So, yeah, my armageddon kit is coming together nicely... thanks for asking...and it's kinda nice not having a DEADLINE ...Hello ...Y2K.. hahaha... that was a lotta pressure.

and embarrassing.

But you know what? It was good practice...I discovered some very interesting websites. And learned a lot of things.

Namely, all you really need to survive in a post-apocalyptic world is sprouts.

True. And a gun.

Sprouts, a gun and probably some vodka.

I might've made that last one up.

So here's a picture of what I have so far...I know, no gun...but the empty bottles double as weapons.

Oh, SkyMall...Why Didn't I Think Of That.

(Editor's note: Yes-I'm pretending that I haven't had writer's block for 3 months...just go with it.)

So we all know that I hate flying.....what with all the crashing and the dying and whatnot.

And it's super-awesome that besides having to worry about engine trouble and de-icing the wings and electrical failure and hijacking (remember hijacking? Like, regular....take-us-to-Cuba hijacking?) I now have to add underwear bombers and birds to the list.

(Birds? Really? What kind of dumb-ass flock of birds gets sucked into a plane engine.)

Anyway. There is one awesome thing about planes..aside from how crazy-cute Captain Morgan looks in mini size....


SkyMall Magazine.

Seriously, I think I need to look into a subscription...because I don't fly that often...and how could I sleep at night knowing I might be missing out on products like

SkyRest

Steak monogrammer,
(available in any combination
of letters or just "D-BAG")

"Garden Yeti"

Garden Zombie

"Napping flat on your face" pillow

Stress relieving head massager.
Literally says "use it at your desk at work".











Because in this economy your job is totally safe if you're rockin' a space helmet.

I Blame Facebook

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.