CEO of Christmas

Last December 1st, my husband sat down at the dinner table and announced, "December is going to be a really busy month for me."

Then I stabbed him with a fork.

So I am launching the first annual Husbands' Christmas Challenge. And here are the rules:

• You must accomplish the tasks IN ADDITION to your regular responsibilities.

• You may not hire anyone to help you.

• You may not bribe your children to help you.

• You must accomplish the following by Midnight, December 24th:

Take a Christmas card photo - choose and order Christmas cards- buy Christmas stamps -sign, address, stamp & mail all 150 cards - Decorate house including wreaths, stockings, scented candles, advent calendar, indoor lights, stuffed Santas, snowmen, Christmas card holder, outdoor lights-Decorate Christmas tree with kids- adjust decorations when kids aren't around - Be sure kids have watched Rudolph, Elf, Frosty, and the Grinch - Acquire each child's christmas list -  Buy wrapping paper, scotch tapes, bows, tags, bags, and tissue paper - Buy stocking stuffers, don't forget the dog - Buy and wrap gifts for kids teachers, dance teachers, karate instructors, and babysitters - Buy and wrap all kids' presents - Hide all kids presents - Buy and wrap presents for parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, nieces,nephews and in-laws - Pack & address gifts - stand in line at Post Office - Attend at least one cookie swap - attend all Holiday School concerts - Attend all holiday school parties - Make and deliver Christmas cookies to neighbors & friends - Make a gingerbread house with the kids - Buy & fill money holders for garbage man, mailman, bus driver and cleaning lady - Set out milk & cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve - Read "Twas the night Before Christmas" - Fill stockings, set out presents, eat cookies, drain milk, leave crumbs - pass out.

THEN tell me you had  a busy month. ;)

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!!

I've got my family here through the weekend so I'll see 'yall on the other side.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Quick Decorating Tip

Just a reminder ladies:

When decorating your house for Thanksgiving, think simple and elegant.

"Understated" and "subtle" will convey an aura of sophistication that so perfectly compliments this treasured holiday.

BWD: Blogging While Drugged

If this post is a little incoherent and rambly it's because I'm all hopped up on Sudafed Maximum Strength Severe Cold.

Which, I was just told by my 16 year old stepson, has the same ingredient as crystal meth. 

(Note to self: If I live, look into why he knows that.)

I woke up Saturday morning with one of those über-colds with the coughing and sniffling that you think is going to elicit Code Blue sympathy but really your cough is just annoying the crap out of everyone.

I made a lot of phone calls, 'cause that's where you get the sympathy.

"You sound AWFUL!!!"

" I know...I'b sick."

"Oh my gosh! Can I bring you anything???"

"no...no.....I'b just gonna lie dowd...try to get sub rest.."

Then they tell you who else they know that's sick and I'm all: Can we get back to me?

AND I'd much rather have a stomach bug 'cause then at least I'd lose 3 or 4 pounds from the puking. No such luck.

So....I got nothin. 

But I'll share a couple of pics from Before The Plague:

Friday morning we got SNOW here in PA, so I bundled up Flat Joe and took him outside:

 and Friday night my girlfriends ended up at my house for a few bottles glasses of wine and I saw this the next morning:

You know it's a good party when your friend has left, but her bumper hasn't.

Twilight Zone

OK, for any of my male readers stopping by today, Here:

A picture of Megan Fox.

Now, I need to talk about Twilight.

Went to the movie yesterday with two girlfriends, 3 tweens and 4 eight year olds. 

The lobby of the theater was like an Ugg boot & hoodie convention. There may have been 3 or 4 teenage boys who got dragged there by their girlfriends, but for the most part it was a sea of estrogen, "Team Edward" T-shirts and Diet Cokes. 

When the theater doors were opened, it was a stampede - girls literally running down the aisles to grab the best seats.

For anyone contemplating bringing younger kids, the most inappropriate part were the previews for some scary-ass movies. I pretty much told the 8-year-old to cover her eyes and suck it up. Mommy needs some Edward Cullen.

The movie was very true to the book, possibly a little over-acted and over-dramatized in a few places vs. the erotic subtlety of the novel...but all in all, very entertaining 

and then there's Robert Pattinson.

What. 

Oh! sorry, I was daydreaming. 

They couldn't have cast anyone more perfect, sexy and vampire-y to play Edward. He's completely mesmerizing to the point where you barely notice the slew of other attractive men in the cast. 

Or maybe that's just me: when "James" the evil vampire first appears, shirtless and ponytailed, my 8-year-old whispered, "that's my guy". OK, that's disturbing.

So here's my review summary:

If you've never heard of Twilight, you'll find it well done and entertaining.

If you've read the book, you won't be disappointed.

If you're an twilight fanatic, you'll be ordering your tickets online to go again. 

So I've heard. ;)

News I Don't Understand

Listen. The above title is pretty wide-reaching. But specifically, I need answers to this whole Somali pirates deal.

(Cliff notes: Somali pirates are taking over oil supertankers like nobody's business out at sea.)

First off, I'm not gonna lie. I was a little disappointed that the pirates didn't look like this:

Arrrr. Yo-ho-ho.

But my bigger question is this:

OK, so here's the Somali pirates:

and here's the Supertanker:

 So as far as I can surmise, it went down like this:

Tanker Captain (looking down into water)
Hey! What are you doing?

Pirate: We're hijacking your ship!

Captain: Seriously? How many of you are there?

Pirate: (looks around dinghy) ...Four.

Captain: FOUR? 

Pirate: We had five, but Tswahibi fell overboard.

Captain: Oh. What are your demands?

Pirate: 10 Million dollars and some shoes.

Captain: Why should I let you up?

Pirate: We have guns. And bandanas. And Olujimi has a really big stick.

Captain: (sighs) OK. Hold on, let me get the rope ladder.

***********************************************


In local news, the guard poodle got a haircut.

True story: the first time she ever got groomed, they brought her out when she was done and I said:

"That's not my dog."

Thoughts from The Womb

(for my niece-to-be...arriving 11/22)

What I know so far:

Four more days and I'll be "done".

Apparently, I'll be living somewhere else then.....

How I'll get there is a mystery to me.

Right now I have eyelashes and fingernails and hair that floats.

When I get out, I'll get teeth and hats.

God gave me  a beautiful Soul, but I'm not supposed to say when.

My Mom's name is "Honey" and my Dad's name is "Babe".

When he comes home, her heart beats faster.

My sisters come right up close to talk to me.

Do they know I put my hand out to touch them?

Things I can do in here: Hum. Think about bunnies.

When I get out I want to go on a Royal Carribean Cruise.

Two things I don't want are freezer burn and gingivitis.

Just a few more days and I'll see Mom's face...

But I already know it's beautiful.

President of the "I Suck at Clubs" Club

So I went to Book Club Wednesday night.

Of course I hadn't read the book..cuz, you know, anything about Queens or kites or tents or Afghanistan or queens who run a kite shop out of a tent in Afghanistan...I just can't do it.

Luckily, there was lots of wine, so by the end of the night we were Googling James McEvoy and I had convinced the group to read "Twilight" next.

(Which, ROCKS BTW, for anyone still on the fence. Erotic, but no sex scenes - hard to explain - just trust me: here's your cup of Kool-aid.)

Anyway, I'm good at joining clubs, I'm just not good at adhering to the club requirements.

True story: when I was 8, I was a Brownie for one day, then quit. Who quits Brownies? With the cute outfit and all? I just remember thinking "This is lame - I'm out."

In college, my sorority threatened to kick me out for never coming to chapter meetings. Hello? Does perfect attendance at the parties count for NOTHING?? Ingrates.

"Hi. I have no time for chapter meetings. I'm too busy getting bloated from eating bagels and drinking Kahlua."

At our old country club in Connecticut, I got reprimanded for wearing tennis skirts and my ghetto hoop earrings to play golf.

When we moved to PA, my husband pressured me into joining "Newcomers Club". Sent in the check. Got the 'Welcome' newsletter. President's name was "Dot". Um...No. Deal-breaker, sorry.

And now? Now I have no need for clubs at all:

Diary of a Turkey

November 13
Dear Diary,
After much internal debate I have decided that I can ignore the warning signs no longer. I shall leave under cloak of darkness. I can bring only a flask and my tool kit. Perhaps my lucky hat.

November 14
Dear Diary,
Is it 'on the lam' or 'on the lamb'? Either way, I fear for my safety. Have made camp for the night with a kindly gentleman named Bedazzle Jones under the I-95 overpass. We share bourbon and stories. 

November 15
Dear Diary,
After a fitful sleep, set out for New Jersey. Accepted a ride from a trucker named Cliff, who played nothing but Lionel Ritchie for 2 hours. Cliff is certain that Lionel's career was deliberately sabotaged by the CIA because of what he knows about JFK. Diary, I have learned more in 2 days than I have my entire time on the farm.

Seeing pictures of turkeys everywhere now. Comforting. Must find one of those dashing black buckled hats I've seen some wear. Must rest now. Will write more tomorrow.

Grey's Anatomy Primer

Stop right there, mister.

Mister "Oh-I'm-Outta-Here-I-Don't-Watch-That-Chickfest-Crap"

YOU, sir, are missing out on the most soap-tastic, blood and gutsiest, limbs flying-est, clothes-rippingist, orgy of horrific trauma, personal angst and passionate trysts ever set to adult contemporary music.

Let me just get you up to speed:


McDreamy, McSteamy.




McSexy

McPuppy      McArmy

McWhiney

McCrabby

McBambi
McWacky



McLezzie
McMaybe
(oh, look-the men came back)

McFeisty

McSoftie

and my personal favorite:

McWormy.

He's dead. Well, sort of. He still comes back in a sweet-but-kind-of-stalkerish way. But, if you're going to have a dead guy following you around.....yeah.

(also: Javier Bardem called: he wants his face back.)

So my questions to Grey's Anatomy are these:

1.) Where do average-looking, tired doctors go to sleep when the On-Call room is always being used for sex?

2.) Does a 10-blade come as part of a set, like in golf?

3.) If I come in for surgery can I opt-out of the Theater-With-An-Audience operating room?

4.) In a whole hospital full of doctors, can no one prescribe Meredith and Christina some Paxil?

but most of all:

Do you have any idea how McDisappointing it is to go the doctor now? 

The Mature Man

For anyone who hasn't heard the news, Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends have broken up. I know, I know..I really thought those four would make it.


Anyway, I love how the "Girls Next Door" used to extoll the virtues of the "mature older man" and now they're hooking up with pro football players and Criss Angel. (just a heads up, Holly: anyone who calls himself 'MindFreak' may not be relationship material).

I know I had a point.

Oh yeah: Men don't "mature". Perhaps my research is flawed in that I can only really claim a control group of (1) subject but let me just show you exhibit A:

these are my husband's slippers.

Because he's from the South, he calls them his "house shoes".

Husband: I saw your friend Lisa at the grocery store, but I knew you wouldn't want me to say hello, because I had my house shoes on."

Me: Thank you.

Favorite movies scenes fall into two categories: Farting and Sex. Farting during sex is a huge plus.

Let me ask you this, ladies: When you and your husband start a movie at home and the "ratings" come up that say "N" for Nudity, does your husband:

A) Say "all the kids are in bed, right?"

B) Make sure he has the remote in case a child walks in or

C) Jump up off the couch and shout "YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And finally there's the innuendo-speak. Which gets exponentially more ridiculous the longer you've been married.

Me: Hello?

Husband: Hey Baby, what's for dinner?

Me: Lasagna.

Husband: I'll give you lasagna.....

Me: OK that doesn't even make sense.

Husband: I'll give you sense.....

and so on.

I love you, honey...but understanding your Man-Brain?

It's really hard.

I know: "That's what she said."

My First Day As President

Here's pretty much how my first day as President of the United States would go.

8:00am Swivel around in swivel chair.
8:15am Take a stroll on the East lawn with the First Dog. Photo op.
8:35am Place phone call.
       White House Operator: Yes, Madam president?
       Me: This is The President.
       White House Operator: Yes, Ma'am..
       Me: I just wanted to say that.

8:40am Get on Twitter.

HappyHourSue  OMG. I'm sitting at my desk.
McMommyBlog  What's in the drawers?
HappyHourSue  Pens. A stapler. Stationery.
TheMomJen  I need Starbucks.
Lisalicious What have you done so far?
HappyHourSue The Bloggess wanted me to check into that Area 51 thing. They totally have aliens there. Don't repeat that.
McMommyBlog Don't worry.
BackToBarnwell  No problem.
Conspiracygrrl51 Our lips are sealed.
TheMomJen Do you get an intern?
HappyHourSue hold on, sending a TwitPic....

TheMomJen Nice.
HappyHourSue This red phone keeps lighting up. How annoying is that. BRB.
BacktoBarnwell It's Commissioner Gordon.
McMommyBlog or the Joker.
HappyHourSue Sorry - Kim Jong-"ill" again. What'd I miss?
Lisalicious Jen is making stew tonight.
HappyHourSue uh-oh GTG, tweeps - Intern Meeting in 5 mins.
Lisalicious How many interns do you have?
HappyHourSue One. ;D  

Halloween Candy Hangover

Damn you, Halloween Candy.

You win. Again.

I really thought this was gonna be my year: The Year I Didn't Touch the Halloween Candy.

I had a 3-part plan.
 1. Buy candy to give out that I don't like.
 2. Chew lots of gum.
 3. Don't touch the kids' loot.

It was stellar. Foolproof. Probably the same strategy Heidi Klum employs.

I rocked step #1. Bought 2 ginormous bags of Mike & Ike - (blecch.)
After the kids got home Halloween night, Step #2 was launched: Trident Mint, 4 out of 5 dentists, it's all good.

Remember that movie "The Day After"?

Yeah. The Day After is when all hell breaks loose. And you're in your kitchen all mindin' your own business and there's a bright shiny Kit Kat bar just sittin' there on the counter. And it's all, "Hey! No one's around.....just break off one little piece.." and you're all :"No way, Devil-Candy." and the Kit Kat's all, "Come on, live a little, you wuss."

And the next thing you know you've inhaled 2 Kit Kats, 3 Reeces, 2 caramels and some malted milkballs. And you're all, "CRAP! Heidi Klum would SO not have done that."

And then it's a downward spiral like a heroine addict who just started out smoking a little weed. 

First it's just the high-end stuff: Your Reeces, your Twix, your Three Muskateers....but when that runs out and there's no dealer to get you the good stuff, you resort to the "second tier". The Milk Duds....the Tootsie Rolls....the Starburst.

And before you know it, you've hit rock bottom. You're surrounded by dum-dum wrappers and you're eyeing a Bit-O-Honey.

And your 8-year-old is demanding to know where all her candy went.

And because you are, after all, an adult, and her mother, you look her in the eye and say:

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. It was probably your brother and his friends."