More Twitter Recap

1. MEMO TO THOSE NOT FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER:
   I have compiled for you a samplingof the insightful, educational and thought-provoking morsels of genius that you are missing. After reading this, you will say either
   A) How have I missed out on this all this time orB) What a douche.
   Your call.
   
   
   
   
   Me to husband at open casket tonite: 'We Catholics kneel and pray." Husband of 13 years: "You're Catholic?"7:28 PM Aug 12th from twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
2. Newest follower of my blog's "About Me': "I like reading, photography, music, travel, people watching, porn."
   12:29 PM Aug 11th from web
   
3. What to do after Shark Week? I propose Worm Week. Who's with me.
   9:59 PM Aug 9th from twhirl
   
4. 8 year old: "Mom? I'm going out. I'll be on my scooter."
   7:05 PM Aug 9th from web
   
5. Considering outsourcing my next blog post to India.
   1:51 PM Aug 8th from web
   
6. Headed to the Apple store's 'Genius Bar". Cocky bastards.
   9:52 AM Aug 8th from twhirl
   
7. I have so much laundry to do I'm tempted to throw it out and buy new stuff.
   4:39 PM Aug 3rd from twhirl
   
8. Oh Lord the BlogHer09 pics have arrived. First one I opened was of a gay guy's cherry boxers. Am serious about my craft.
   10:57 AM Jul 29th from web
9. 
   8 year old: "I hate golf camp. All the kids tell me I'm holding the bat wrong."
   
   1. 8:25 AM Jul 23rd from twhirl
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
   2. True bizarre moment: Woman led by seeing eye dog in restaurant bathroom tonight complimented my daughter's flower on her toenail.
      10:04 PM Jul 20th from twhirl
      
   3. My editor just called. OK that's a lie. I don't have an editor. I just always wanted to say that. 7:56 PM Jul 19th from twhirl
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   5. After 2 margaritas, husband looks at me and goes 'You're a good woman." Putting Cuervo in his oatmeal tomorrow.
      6:37 PM Jul 18th from twhirl
      
   6. My sister in NYC just lost her nanny to Gisele and Tom Brady. That's like losing your husband to Angelina: who can compete with that?
      9:59 PM Jul 13th from twhirl
      
      8 year old: 'When you kidnap someone, do you use a net?8:03 AM Jul 13th from twhirl
      
      
      
      
      Dr. put me on new sleeping pill. Took it at  10 last nite, fell asleep at computer and walked into a wall. Can't decide if this is good or bad.3:13 PM Jul 9th from twhirl
      
      
      When a bromance breaks up: "Dudevorce".12:13 PM Jul 8th from twhirl
      
      
      
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         OK. So we're over the Michael Jackson thing, yes?10:56 AM Jul 8th from twhirl
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         2. Sparklers are like the geeks of the fireworks community.
         3. 1:39 PM Jul 4th from web
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            1. 8pm: Had a big rum and coke. 9pm:Did killer TV workout. 10pm: had cookies. Am retarded.9:10 PM Jun 26th from web
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               That smoke detector chick is so non-
            committal it's like she knows it's only 
            Bagel Bites. "fire...  fire..   fire.. "      
            7:11 PM Jun 24th from twhirl
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               I thought having a sponsor for BlogHer meant someone who wouldn't let you drink too much.2:38 PM Jun 23rd from twhirl
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
            3. Sweet. It's only days til the Xmas ornaments 
               in my dining room switch from "late" to "early".11:01 AM Jun 23rd from twhirl
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               11 year old: "my cinnamon gum has lost so much flavor it tastes like ham."7:52 PM Jun 18th from twhirl
               
               
               
               
               
               1. Um, FYI? If you're looking to find out if Dick's has kids tennis clothes...it's NOT Dick's.com. Ew.7:22 PM Jun 14th from web
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
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                  Happy digital TV conversion day, everyone! That was exciting.10:02 AM Jun 12th from twhirl
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                  What if my follower 'SexyBigDickLeo' is a sexy guy named Leo who's just a jerk?5:16 PM Jun 5th from twhirl
                  
                  8 year old: "What's a stalker?" Me: "someone who calls you, follows you, won't leave you alone." Her: "Like you and me."3:05 PM Jun 4th from twhirl
                  
                  Follow Me!!!! Twitter.com/HappyHourSue
                  
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The Ice Cream Truck

Please explain this to me.

Explain to me why the sight of a white truck carrying ice cream sends every kid from 2 to 15 into a Fema-grade panic.

ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!!!

ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!!!!

MOM!!!! MOM!!!!!

IT"S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!! WHERE'S YOUR MONEY???!!!!!!

Dude. We HAVE ice cream at home. In the freezer. Right now. Ben & Jerry's, some Chipwiches and FreezerPops. You never ask for it.

Granted, it's not shaped like a rocket or SpongeBob with gumballs for eyes....

Maybe it's just the novelty of a refreshing treat that travels.

I could kinda see...

HONEY!!!!! HONEY!!!!!!!!!

It's the COCKTAIL TRUCK!

For the love of God, Where's your MONEY??????!!!!!

Hieroglyphics

While at our vacation house, we came across a blow up baby pool with this on the side:

Which as far as I can decipher means
"Bow down to aliens from striped rockets that might shoot lasers out of their eyes"

and

"Don't take midgets spear-fishing."

Probably good advice on both counts.

Blogger Conference Tips

As the old saying goes,

"You know it's going to be a great trip when someone is rocking a Snuggie on the plane."

(actual pic from my cellphone)




Not sure how I swam up from my Xanax stupor to think to take a picture, but...yay, me.

So. Chicago. BlogHer '09. Henceforth known as "Vodka-tea-palooza '09."

I had 8 "break-out sessions" earmarked for attendance over the weekend. I made it to 2. Barely.

The problem being the slacker-tastic discovery of "Chicago Burger" on the bottom level of the Sheraton, where me, my roommate Lisalicious and Tenakim took our waiter Manny's advice and tried some vodka teas.

You would be AMAZED how many free drinks you can get if you have Lisa's cleavage with you. I am taking her with me when I buy my next car.

Anyway, if you attend a blogging conference, here are my tips:

#1. Decorate the outside of your door

A. Dorm-esque wipeboard
B. Blog logo names
C. Stolen conference sign


#2. Definitely ride the Quaker Oatmeal smoothie-generator bike on the Expo floor

#3 Keep track of your bathtub gangsters or they WILL get in trouble

#4 When in doubt, ALWAYS choose cocktails with your girls over conference meetings.

#5 Go to the city's gay district Saturday night instead of the bowling party.

#6 Sunday morning erase all photos from Saturday night.

Yes, I Will Be Posting About BlogHer

....but right now I'm recuperating on the beach in the Outer Banks.

And by recuperating I mean drinking more.

For now I'll just give you a pic of BG and Lisalicious.

Conferences are dope, yo.

BlogHer? I Don't Even Know Her!

Where is my assistant.

Oh yeah-I don't have an assistant.

Well if I did I would totally be telling her to "Forward all my calls! I'll be at a conference this weekend in Chicago!" And I'd be yelling like that and pointing my finger in the air.

Also, I'd say "Take a memo!" and "Get me Marketing on the phone." And they'd be all: "Marketing Department..." and I'd be all: "Never mind. Keep up the good work." And then I'd make my assistant run out and get me a sausage egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.

Where was I.

Oh YEAH - I really am going to be at a conference - a BLOGGER'S conference, BlogHer '09 , which for you guys who don't blog probably sounds about as reasonable as an "e-mailers conference", but for us who do it is The. Coolest. Thing. EVER.

AND my roommate is the awesome Lisalicious from "Mommedy"

Oh look- a whole bunch of daddybloggers just flooded the phone lines with late registrations.

Anyway. It's going to be non-stop drinking, dancing and talking about boys enlightening seminars on monetizing, demographics and html advances.

Therefore I have packed the 4 essentials:

Laptop.
BG.
Ed Head.
Ibuprofen.

Bring it on, Chicago.

Weekend LOL Video

Katy Perry's "Hot & Cold" + Ukrainian Polka band = Awesome.

Spray-Tanning Tips

Tip #1: Exfoliate the skin thoroughly.

Tip #2: Always apply the sticky foot protectors to the bottoms of your feet to avoid tanning them.











Tip #3: 
Don't let the sticky foot protector fall out of your car door then drive over it and drive around town that way for 2 days.

You can't make this sh*t up.

Cloud Shapes!

Oh my GOSH is it awesome having the kids home for summer vacation!

Here's a fun game to play if you've already pressed wildflowers but haven't made home made lemonade yet!

Cloud Shapes!

Look! A poodle!

A duck!

A bunny!

Look!

See???? It's a mom!!! It's a mom considering jumping in her SUV with only a change of clothes and a vodka bottle and heading for Canada!! See..right there! There's her crazy eyes...and there's her bald spot from pulling her hair out....and right there's the kids hanging off her yelling 'MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!' cuz that's all they ever say is 'MOM!' til you'd rather have a swarm of killer bees drill your EYEBALLS out than hear the word 'MOM!' one more time for the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY CAN'T YOU SEE IT??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Email me if you need more fun games to play.

Don't Forget Your Fud

Oh my God.

I got an email today from one of my readers who thought I should know about a new product, "GoGirl".

Seriously?

The website says it's "a Female Urination Device, or FUD."

The tagline is "Don't Take Life Sitting Down."

I.........have so many questions. Not the least of which is - Why is the canister the shape of a Pillsbury biscuit can.

So I'm guessing the FUD's target demographic is the "outdoorsy" girl? Or maybe the "huge outdoor frat party" girl?

Bethany: Brittany! I have to pee - do you have a Fud?

Brittany: Crap! I forgot my Fud! Jessica! Do you have a Fud?

Jessica: Nicole has my Fud.

And so on.

Anyway - it is available for purchase online...and before you check out, don't forget your GoGirl lip balm. I am so not kidding.

Ew.

Can't Get No Respect

What if I said to you, "I just joined the Country Club and they're going to give me my own golf locker with a shiny nameplate."

Would your response be:
"HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"?

As it turns out, that IS the proper response.

Ladies' golf locker room:

My locker:

also:

Why you gotta do me like that, country club?

Keyword Korner: Summer Edition!

See Mr. Smiling Sun? Mr. Smiling Sun is hoping that THIS round of Google Analytics keywords will vindicate me.

Mr. Smiling Sun is sure that THIS time the list of phrases people typed into Google that landed them on my blog were things like:

"quick-witted insightful blog" and

"smart blogger slammin' body".

Pack up your things, Mr. Smiling Sun: The Bizarro Train has just pulled into the station. Shall we begin?

(Disclaimer to those who are new here: these are all actual searches that Google directed to my blog. I did not make this up.)

"butt farts come up vulva"

News flash, Sparky: those aren't butt farts.

"dos swine flu ifect my kids"

Probably not, but your lack of education might.

"my personal trainer doesn't know what he's on about"

This seems more of a "complaint" than a "search"

"fat girl"

Seriously?.... Seriously.

"boys weeners stuck in girls vergina"

Parents, get site blocking software on there ASAP or weeners in verginas are gonna be the least of your problems.

"Can Sudafed give you a drugged feeling"

Only if you ingest it.

"funny blogs organize neat girls"

Ummmmm........No.

"mommyblog Dooce make $40,000 a month"

Why do you HATE me???????

"i can see your hoo ha"

No you cannot- I do not have a webcam.

"i am slave to my goddess wife laundry clean toilet foot massage"

OK maybe my husband does read my blog.

"what does Jesus say about diet pills"

Jesus says, "None of that crap works - stop being such a lazy-ass, put down the cheese dip and get your fat ass to the gym..... Amen."

Thriller

File under: WTF?

Inmates at a Phillipines prison are... taught? forced? to perform Michael Jackson's "Thriller".

R.I.P., Michael.

If You Give a Mom a Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie.....

She'll probably ask for a glass of wine to go with it.

Then when her buzz kicks in, she'll probably eat 5 more because screw it - she's already totally blown Day One of her diet and she'll absolutely positively start tomorrow except wait- not tomorrow because tomorrow is Girls Night Out and that means lots and LOTS of wine and a high probability of calamari and mozzarella sticks - but wait - that IS protein after all - maybe even Atkins - except not the breadcrumbs - that's carbs - crap - so maybe that would be 'The Zone' which is how Jennifer Aniston got so skinny or maybe that's cuz she smokes and has a personal trainer but either way it would so suck to lose your husband to Angelina Jolie because she's got huge lips AND is bisexual and who can compete with THAT - and then the whole world feels sorry for you and takes polls on who you should be fixed up with and apparently 43% of Star Magazine readers think you should totally date Taylor Hicks which would be so depressing that you'd be better off staying home, drinking wine in a Snuggie and watching The Ghost Whisperer.....

and chances are, if you're drinking wine alone....

...you'll want a cookie to go with it.

What The Fake

Drama in the blogosphere!!!!!!!

Not one, but TWO bloggers have been exposed this week for fake "dead baby" stories that elicited sympathy, prayers and sometimes money from kind-hearted readers.

Just days after the "Little April Rose" hoax was uncovered, it became apparent yesterday that the Cynthiaa/Aiden'Bug' story was fake too.

I got sucked into that one. Left comments of support, searched Google images for blue balloons for the "balloon release in his memory"......

By my count, that's a good 6 and a half minutes that could have been spent on RobsessedPattinson.com.

So what have we learned from this.

You don't really "know" people on the internet.

How do you know this isn't me:

"Rob Pattinson is so hot.."

Lookit! How much do I love blogging in my towel-fort with my seltzer and pink satin leg-rest?

BTW my name is really Chaz.

Also: I think Kevin is the cutest Jonas.

I Guess It's Hereditary

I thought I was obsessed with Twilight.

I thought I had a pretty bad crush going on Robert Pattinson.

I underestimated the devotional love of the 8 year old.

MY 8 year old.

This video is from last night, when my husband brought home a framed Twilight poster, autographed by all the cast.

When Blog-Block Attacks

In lieu of something substantial to blog about today, I give you: the mess that is my house.

There's a Fine Line Between Shamu-ing and Prostitution

Over Memorial Day weekend, my husband's niece was raving about this book called "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love & Marriage".

Basically, the author's point is that humans can be "trained" to do certain things and avoid bad behaviors with the same "reward" techniques used at SeaWorld. Devotees of the book call the technique "Shamu-ing".

The f*ck.

So I'm in my lounge chair by the pool, sipping a Captain Morgan & Diet and I notice my husband intently studying his Kindle. 

That mofo downloaded the Shamu book.

Anyway. So it's Memorial Day weekend, and maybe the Captain & Cokes are going down pretty smooth and all my Twilight fanfiction has updated and Saturn is in the third house with Venus rising and Mr. Happy Hour is in for - well, a happy hour.

The next morning, he goes to the grocery store (?), comes back and says, and I quote: "Look! I got you sushi!"

No lie. Sushi. Like I'm a damn sea lion.

THEN he says "Oh- and I got cash- do you need any?"

Fish. And cash. That mofo is Shamu-ing me over last night's sex.

Me: Are you SHAMU-ING me????????

Him: What? No!

Me: How much cash did you get?

Him: 400.

Me: I'll take 3.