Into The WarZone

Help me Jesus.

Next Friday is the "Book Launch" for the Chicken Soup for the Soul book I'm in...at the Barnes & Noble in New York City.

Never mind that to get there I have to drive through the Lincoln Tunnel, AKA 'The Claustrophic Tunnel of Doom'...but as we all know I'm heading straight for the über-cluster of Swine Flu.

Like the hero firefighter going into the burning building. OK, not at all like that, but still.

So my sister who lives in Manhattan and who has a completely normal brain totally knows me and is all: "Are you still coming?" and I'm all: "Why- cuz of the Airforce One flyby scare or the swine flu?" and she's all "Both."

Then the Chicken Soup publicist emails me and asks would I want to do an interview beforehand for CBS RADIO and had to act all "Sure I can fit that in" meanwhile I'm all "WTF - How am I supposed to sound coherent when I'm baked on valium????!!!!"

Plus- Dooce is in the book too. What is she shows up and wants to kick my ass?

Although I'm a pretty good kickboxer. I could totally take her as long as she's not tall. Her face looks like she's tall.

Anyway.

If I survive the Lincoln Tunnel, terrorist attack simulations, swine flu exposure, tangling with Dooce and accidental valium overdose, you should totally try to hear my interview on CBS radio.

Unless you're planning on calling in and being all: "Your guest sounds like she's on something - you should ask her."

Amazon ***hearts*** the Swine Flu

Actual Amazon product listing - love the review.

(No, I wasn't shopping for swine flu masks.....I still have my bird flu stock.)

				Pandemic Swine Flu First Aid and Safety Kit Offered by BP MEDICAL SUPPLIES Price: $25.00 Availability: In Stock
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:  Brilliant product, April 27, 2009 This product is one of the best purchases I have ever made. I have had it three days and haven't caught swine flu yet. 100% success rate.  Comment | Permalink

Swine Flu Preparedness

After terrorist attacks, pandemics are my second favorite disaster to worry about.

(natural disasters coming in a distant third since Pennsylvania sees few earthquakes and almost no tsunamis.)

So when they announced yesterday that this "swine flu" had pandemic capabilities I thought

#1, Gross. The only thing worse than a dirty, smelly pig is a coughing, feverish, sneezing pig and - 

#2. I don't want to die before "Twilight: New Moon" comes out.

So I said to my husband don't worry- I totally still have all my Y2K stuff like my propane stove and hand-cranked radio and he was all: "a flu pandemic won't affect the electricity." and I was all: "yeah not right AWAY..." because I've read enough Stephen King books to know that people don't become zombies until the virus mutates - then they totally organize into zombie armies and attack the power grids so the non-zombies are at a disadvantage, and the zombies don't need electricity anyway on account of they eat people raw and they have night vision.

And then he said something about antibacterial soap and common sense at which point I tuned out because I realized it was totally up to me to get a preparedness kit ready.

Which will absolutely include plastic sheeting and duct tape because everybody knows that zombie-invasion is the perfect time for a terrorist attack.

Flashback Friday Video

Oh snap.

Do I miss SOOOOOOUUUUUUULLLLLLLL Train.

We all could use a little more gold lamé.

Check it out: Let it Whip.

Gardener's Corner

First neighbors' daffodils

Second neighbors' daffodils

Third neighbors' daffodils

My daffodils

Open Letter to the Weeds

(Yes, I did post this last April. Still applies.)








April 20

Dudes.

What the hell.

Do we have to go through this every year? It's the first warm day of the year, I go out to my front walk and you're all: "We're here and we're ready to party".

Didn't I make my intentions clear last year? Don't you remember the RoundUp, the WeedBGone, the weeding pail, the sweating?

Don't you see how we keep repeating old patterns? You show up, I kill you. You show up again, I kill you again. What part of "I will kill you" do you not understand?

Don't you have any dignity? Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed for you. By the way, The Mulch totally agrees with me.

So, I'd appreciate it if we could just get on with our lives.

As we used to say in sorority rush, I think you'd be happier at another house.

- Sue

p.s. do not text me.

Haters!

My goodness.

Got a comment today from "Anonymous" on 'The Slaughter of Joe Jonas' post. Which, BTW, was back in January.

Anonymous said...

I dont get da joke.....?? u know wat joe and edward r f'kn hor yr just another hater!!!  U know wat go get a freakin life nd da pl dat think its funny.......... 

APRIL 16, 2009 1:58 PM 

OK.  What I THINK that says is:

"I don't get the joke. You know what? Joe and Edward are f%*kin' hot - you're just another hater!! You know what? Go get a freakin' life and the people that think it's funny."  (that's you guys)

Dear Anonymous,

  Settle down. You know what?  I'm going to guess that this is your first time here.   

If you would kindly go back and read the archives you would come to see that we are, in fact, sisters in our love for Joe and Edward and their f%*kin' hotness. Ask "da pl dat think its funny"- they'll tell you.

I can understand your outrage at seeing a photo of Flat Joe's head ripped to bits then Flat Edward's sub-par cranium size.......but I assure you it was not my doing.

OK the pea head was, but only because my depth perception at Kinko's was off. I regret it to this day. 

Please. Can't we all just get along?

-HHS

More News I Don't Understand

Sooooooo..........there's this protesting going on today..........and it's called a Tea Party. Only it doesn't look like a FUN party.....and there's no actual TEA involved...like THIS Tea Party..












But it's all over Twitter, and people are using topic tags ("hashtags") to discuss it, including #teaparty,  #teabaggers and #teabagging.

Now.

I am not a political analyst....and I can't even say I'm completely on top of current events.

But dude, I know what teabagging is. And I feel confident in saying it has little or nothing to do with taxes.

And just for future Twitter discussions? You might also want to avoid #saladtossing, #pearlnecklace, #daisychain, and #shocker.

(Mom, don't look those up. Google is broken today.)

Wordless Wednesday

Back from Arizona!

Hey peeps! Missed you guys...I stayed off the computer for a whole week: and lived.

No blogging, Twitter, Facebook, email, Gmail, YouTube, Google, smutty Twilight fanfic, or Fox News.

Sorry I didn't schedule posts ahead of time or line up an awesome guest-poster but...well, I'm just not that organized.

So you'll be super-impressed that I flew from Philly to Arizona and back without a single panic attack due to my superior self-medicating skillz:

I honestly don't remember going through security because my drug and alcohol regime begins on the drive to the airport, but my husband tells me I got singled out and patted down. 

Hmmmm. Wonder if my "Terrorist Do's and Don'ts " post put me on some sort of watch list. Which would be excellent, as we know, in keeping with my plan to get Michelle Obama to read my blog.

Anyhoo, the whole sedated-like-I've-been-shot-with-an-elephant-tranquilizer thing is really working for me....with one tiny possible problem.

If we crashed but survived?.... like the Hudson plane? I might not be totally on top of the situation.

Stewardess: MA'AM! We have to evacuate NOW!

Me: THAT was a rough landing.

Stewardess: MA'AM! This is an emergency evacuation! You have to get out of the plane!

Me: I ordered a screwdriver like 20 minutes ago. And peanuts.

Stewardess: MA'AM you have to get out now!

Me: Hold up...My flip-flops are waaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy under this dude's seat.

Miracle Plane Crash: 147 Survivors, 1 Missing