Weekend LOL Video

OMG how much do I love this dude.

He's just all: Getting up is hard.

French Bulldog Can't Roll Over - watch more funny videos

Duggars. Again.

Um.......OK.

The Duggars have announced they're expecting their 19th child.

NINETEENTH child.

Now. Before all you "Anonymous"s get all jacked up and start composing your "every child is a gift" comments let me say: Settle down.

SETTLE DOWN.

This is not a judgement on Michelle and Jim-Bob.

I just think...Michelle maybe needs a little help - girl-to-girl - on saying... "NO".

And so I have composed a list of excuses for her to use, when the situation arises (that's you, Jim-Bob).

#1. I have a headache.

#2. I have to wash my hair.

#3. I have to style my hair into a poufy mullet.

#4. I have swine flu.

#5. I'm gay.

#6. One of our 19 children might hear us.

#7. There are no more names that start with 'J' left.

#8. My lady-ness is stretched out to the size of a Hyundai.


Just sayin'.

You're welcome.

MWF seeks GMBFF

I need a gay friend.

I am so not kidding.

My life would be so complete - I fantasize about it all the time.

I would listen to his boy problems and he would tell me how fabulous my hair looks. Then we'd shop a bit, stop for an appletini and maybe catch the 7:00 showing of the Time Traveler's Wife.

And he would know who Kate Gosslein is and agree with me that she must've had a tummy tuck cuz no one's belly button is that high up.

Can anyone set me up?

Cuz how badly do I want to hang out with THESE guys:

I Love It When People Give Me Things

So I'm going through my Gmail, (which is usually a 50/50 split of new Twitter followers and tragic Nigerian millionaire heiresses who need my help), and there's an offer from the PR girl for Sanita Clogs saying she wants to send me a FREE pair of clogs, no strings attached.

"We're not asking for a review or even a mention, we just want you to be happy." was her direct quote.

And then the skies parted and some bluebirds alighted on my computer because THIS is my clog collection:

I know. I'm like travel-team level clog wearer.



So I power-surf over to their site and pick out THESE

because honestly they are so adorable I could just go blind looking at them.

and then the girl emails me "OK I just need your home address." and I'm all: "Please tell me you're not a psychotic killer who's going to show up at my door and use my skin for a coat." and she's all "No- I just had a baby." and I'm thinking well she could leave the baby with a sitter while she's on her clog-deception murder spree....but I'm willing to take the chance because LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE.

Plus I have mad kickboxing skillz and anyway she's probably wicked sleep-deprived from having a new baby and everyone knows sleep-deprived mass murderers can be taken down with one roundhouse to the head.

Fabulously cute clogs: $ zero dollars

Shipping for new clogs: $ zero dollars

Not having your fingertips made into a necklace: priceless.

More Twitter Recap

1. MEMO TO THOSE NOT FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER:
   I have compiled for you a samplingof the insightful, educational and thought-provoking morsels of genius that you are missing. After reading this, you will say either
   A) How have I missed out on this all this time orB) What a douche.
   Your call.
   
   
   
   
   Me to husband at open casket tonite: 'We Catholics kneel and pray." Husband of 13 years: "You're Catholic?"7:28 PM Aug 12th from twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
2. Newest follower of my blog's "About Me': "I like reading, photography, music, travel, people watching, porn."
   12:29 PM Aug 11th from web
   
3. What to do after Shark Week? I propose Worm Week. Who's with me.
   9:59 PM Aug 9th from twhirl
   
4. 8 year old: "Mom? I'm going out. I'll be on my scooter."
   7:05 PM Aug 9th from web
   
5. Considering outsourcing my next blog post to India.
   1:51 PM Aug 8th from web
   
6. Headed to the Apple store's 'Genius Bar". Cocky bastards.
   9:52 AM Aug 8th from twhirl
   
7. I have so much laundry to do I'm tempted to throw it out and buy new stuff.
   4:39 PM Aug 3rd from twhirl
   
8. Oh Lord the BlogHer09 pics have arrived. First one I opened was of a gay guy's cherry boxers. Am serious about my craft.
   10:57 AM Jul 29th from web
9. 
   8 year old: "I hate golf camp. All the kids tell me I'm holding the bat wrong."
   
   1. 8:25 AM Jul 23rd from twhirl
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
   2. True bizarre moment: Woman led by seeing eye dog in restaurant bathroom tonight complimented my daughter's flower on her toenail.
      10:04 PM Jul 20th from twhirl
      
   3. My editor just called. OK that's a lie. I don't have an editor. I just always wanted to say that. 7:56 PM Jul 19th from twhirl
   4. 
      
   5. After 2 margaritas, husband looks at me and goes 'You're a good woman." Putting Cuervo in his oatmeal tomorrow.
      6:37 PM Jul 18th from twhirl
      
   6. My sister in NYC just lost her nanny to Gisele and Tom Brady. That's like losing your husband to Angelina: who can compete with that?
      9:59 PM Jul 13th from twhirl
      
      8 year old: 'When you kidnap someone, do you use a net?8:03 AM Jul 13th from twhirl
      
      
      
      
      Dr. put me on new sleeping pill. Took it at  10 last nite, fell asleep at computer and walked into a wall. Can't decide if this is good or bad.3:13 PM Jul 9th from twhirl
      
      
      When a bromance breaks up: "Dudevorce".12:13 PM Jul 8th from twhirl
      
      
      
      1. 
         
         OK. So we're over the Michael Jackson thing, yes?10:56 AM Jul 8th from twhirl
      2. 
         
         
         1. 
            
            
            
            
            
            
         2. Sparklers are like the geeks of the fireworks community.
         3. 1:39 PM Jul 4th from web
         4. 
            
            
            
            
            
            1. 8pm: Had a big rum and coke. 9pm:Did killer TV workout. 10pm: had cookies. Am retarded.9:10 PM Jun 26th from web
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               That smoke detector chick is so non-
            committal it's like she knows it's only 
            Bagel Bites. "fire...  fire..   fire.. "      
            7:11 PM Jun 24th from twhirl
            1. 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
            2. 
               
               
               
               
               I thought having a sponsor for BlogHer meant someone who wouldn't let you drink too much.2:38 PM Jun 23rd from twhirl
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
            3. Sweet. It's only days til the Xmas ornaments 
               in my dining room switch from "late" to "early".11:01 AM Jun 23rd from twhirl
            4. 
               
               
               
               
               
               
               
               11 year old: "my cinnamon gum has lost so much flavor it tastes like ham."7:52 PM Jun 18th from twhirl
               
               
               
               
               
               1. Um, FYI? If you're looking to find out if Dick's has kids tennis clothes...it's NOT Dick's.com. Ew.7:22 PM Jun 14th from web
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
               2. 
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  
                  Happy digital TV conversion day, everyone! That was exciting.10:02 AM Jun 12th from twhirl
               3. 
                  
                  What if my follower 'SexyBigDickLeo' is a sexy guy named Leo who's just a jerk?5:16 PM Jun 5th from twhirl
                  
                  8 year old: "What's a stalker?" Me: "someone who calls you, follows you, won't leave you alone." Her: "Like you and me."3:05 PM Jun 4th from twhirl
                  
                  Follow Me!!!! Twitter.com/HappyHourSue
                  
                  1. 
                     
                     
                     
                     

The Ice Cream Truck

Please explain this to me.

Explain to me why the sight of a white truck carrying ice cream sends every kid from 2 to 15 into a Fema-grade panic.

ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!!!

ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!!!!!

MOM!!!! MOM!!!!!

IT"S THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!!!!!! WHERE'S YOUR MONEY???!!!!!!

Dude. We HAVE ice cream at home. In the freezer. Right now. Ben & Jerry's, some Chipwiches and FreezerPops. You never ask for it.

Granted, it's not shaped like a rocket or SpongeBob with gumballs for eyes....

Maybe it's just the novelty of a refreshing treat that travels.

I could kinda see...

HONEY!!!!! HONEY!!!!!!!!!

It's the COCKTAIL TRUCK!

For the love of God, Where's your MONEY??????!!!!!

Hieroglyphics

While at our vacation house, we came across a blow up baby pool with this on the side:

Which as far as I can decipher means
"Bow down to aliens from striped rockets that might shoot lasers out of their eyes"

and

"Don't take midgets spear-fishing."

Probably good advice on both counts.

Blogger Conference Tips

As the old saying goes,

"You know it's going to be a great trip when someone is rocking a Snuggie on the plane."

(actual pic from my cellphone)




Not sure how I swam up from my Xanax stupor to think to take a picture, but...yay, me.

So. Chicago. BlogHer '09. Henceforth known as "Vodka-tea-palooza '09."

I had 8 "break-out sessions" earmarked for attendance over the weekend. I made it to 2. Barely.

The problem being the slacker-tastic discovery of "Chicago Burger" on the bottom level of the Sheraton, where me, my roommate Lisalicious and Tenakim took our waiter Manny's advice and tried some vodka teas.

You would be AMAZED how many free drinks you can get if you have Lisa's cleavage with you. I am taking her with me when I buy my next car.

Anyway, if you attend a blogging conference, here are my tips:

#1. Decorate the outside of your door

A. Dorm-esque wipeboard
B. Blog logo names
C. Stolen conference sign


#2. Definitely ride the Quaker Oatmeal smoothie-generator bike on the Expo floor

#3 Keep track of your bathtub gangsters or they WILL get in trouble

#4 When in doubt, ALWAYS choose cocktails with your girls over conference meetings.

#5 Go to the city's gay district Saturday night instead of the bowling party.

#6 Sunday morning erase all photos from Saturday night.

Yes, I Will Be Posting About BlogHer

....but right now I'm recuperating on the beach in the Outer Banks.

And by recuperating I mean drinking more.

For now I'll just give you a pic of BG and Lisalicious.

Conferences are dope, yo.

BlogHer? I Don't Even Know Her!

Where is my assistant.

Oh yeah-I don't have an assistant.

Well if I did I would totally be telling her to "Forward all my calls! I'll be at a conference this weekend in Chicago!" And I'd be yelling like that and pointing my finger in the air.

Also, I'd say "Take a memo!" and "Get me Marketing on the phone." And they'd be all: "Marketing Department..." and I'd be all: "Never mind. Keep up the good work." And then I'd make my assistant run out and get me a sausage egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.

Where was I.

Oh YEAH - I really am going to be at a conference - a BLOGGER'S conference, BlogHer '09 , which for you guys who don't blog probably sounds about as reasonable as an "e-mailers conference", but for us who do it is The. Coolest. Thing. EVER.

AND my roommate is the awesome Lisalicious from "Mommedy"

Oh look- a whole bunch of daddybloggers just flooded the phone lines with late registrations.

Anyway. It's going to be non-stop drinking, dancing and talking about boys enlightening seminars on monetizing, demographics and html advances.

Therefore I have packed the 4 essentials:

Laptop.
BG.
Ed Head.
Ibuprofen.

Bring it on, Chicago.

Weekend LOL Video

Katy Perry's "Hot & Cold" + Ukrainian Polka band = Awesome.

Spray-Tanning Tips

Tip #1: Exfoliate the skin thoroughly.

Tip #2: Always apply the sticky foot protectors to the bottoms of your feet to avoid tanning them.











Tip #3: 
Don't let the sticky foot protector fall out of your car door then drive over it and drive around town that way for 2 days.

You can't make this sh*t up.

Cloud Shapes!

Oh my GOSH is it awesome having the kids home for summer vacation!

Here's a fun game to play if you've already pressed wildflowers but haven't made home made lemonade yet!

Cloud Shapes!

Look! A poodle!

A duck!

A bunny!

Look!

See???? It's a mom!!! It's a mom considering jumping in her SUV with only a change of clothes and a vodka bottle and heading for Canada!! See..right there! There's her crazy eyes...and there's her bald spot from pulling her hair out....and right there's the kids hanging off her yelling 'MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!' cuz that's all they ever say is 'MOM!' til you'd rather have a swarm of killer bees drill your EYEBALLS out than hear the word 'MOM!' one more time for the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY CAN'T YOU SEE IT??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Email me if you need more fun games to play.

Don't Forget Your Fud

Oh my God.

I got an email today from one of my readers who thought I should know about a new product, "GoGirl".

Seriously?

The website says it's "a Female Urination Device, or FUD."

The tagline is "Don't Take Life Sitting Down."

I.........have so many questions. Not the least of which is - Why is the canister the shape of a Pillsbury biscuit can.

So I'm guessing the FUD's target demographic is the "outdoorsy" girl? Or maybe the "huge outdoor frat party" girl?

Bethany: Brittany! I have to pee - do you have a Fud?

Brittany: Crap! I forgot my Fud! Jessica! Do you have a Fud?

Jessica: Nicole has my Fud.

And so on.

Anyway - it is available for purchase online...and before you check out, don't forget your GoGirl lip balm. I am so not kidding.

Ew.