Yes, I Will Be Posting About BlogHer

....but right now I'm recuperating on the beach in the Outer Banks.

And by recuperating I mean drinking more.

For now I'll just give you a pic of BG and Lisalicious.

Conferences are dope, yo.

BlogHer? I Don't Even Know Her!

Where is my assistant.

Oh yeah-I don't have an assistant.

Well if I did I would totally be telling her to "Forward all my calls! I'll be at a conference this weekend in Chicago!" And I'd be yelling like that and pointing my finger in the air.

Also, I'd say "Take a memo!" and "Get me Marketing on the phone." And they'd be all: "Marketing Department..." and I'd be all: "Never mind. Keep up the good work." And then I'd make my assistant run out and get me a sausage egg sandwich from Dunkin Donuts.

Where was I.

Oh YEAH - I really am going to be at a conference - a BLOGGER'S conference, BlogHer '09 , which for you guys who don't blog probably sounds about as reasonable as an "e-mailers conference", but for us who do it is The. Coolest. Thing. EVER.

AND my roommate is the awesome Lisalicious from "Mommedy"

Oh look- a whole bunch of daddybloggers just flooded the phone lines with late registrations.

Anyway. It's going to be non-stop drinking, dancing and talking about boys enlightening seminars on monetizing, demographics and html advances.

Therefore I have packed the 4 essentials:

Laptop.
BG.
Ed Head.
Ibuprofen.

Bring it on, Chicago.

Weekend LOL Video

Katy Perry's "Hot & Cold" + Ukrainian Polka band = Awesome.

Spray-Tanning Tips

Tip #1: Exfoliate the skin thoroughly.

Tip #2: Always apply the sticky foot protectors to the bottoms of your feet to avoid tanning them.











Tip #3: 
Don't let the sticky foot protector fall out of your car door then drive over it and drive around town that way for 2 days.

You can't make this sh*t up.

Cloud Shapes!

Oh my GOSH is it awesome having the kids home for summer vacation!

Here's a fun game to play if you've already pressed wildflowers but haven't made home made lemonade yet!

Cloud Shapes!

Look! A poodle!

A duck!

A bunny!

Look!

See???? It's a mom!!! It's a mom considering jumping in her SUV with only a change of clothes and a vodka bottle and heading for Canada!! See..right there! There's her crazy eyes...and there's her bald spot from pulling her hair out....and right there's the kids hanging off her yelling 'MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!' cuz that's all they ever say is 'MOM!' til you'd rather have a swarm of killer bees drill your EYEBALLS out than hear the word 'MOM!' one more time for the love of ALL THAT IS HOLY CAN'T YOU SEE IT??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Email me if you need more fun games to play.

Don't Forget Your Fud

Oh my God.

I got an email today from one of my readers who thought I should know about a new product, "GoGirl".

Seriously?

The website says it's "a Female Urination Device, or FUD."

The tagline is "Don't Take Life Sitting Down."

I.........have so many questions. Not the least of which is - Why is the canister the shape of a Pillsbury biscuit can.

So I'm guessing the FUD's target demographic is the "outdoorsy" girl? Or maybe the "huge outdoor frat party" girl?

Bethany: Brittany! I have to pee - do you have a Fud?

Brittany: Crap! I forgot my Fud! Jessica! Do you have a Fud?

Jessica: Nicole has my Fud.

And so on.

Anyway - it is available for purchase online...and before you check out, don't forget your GoGirl lip balm. I am so not kidding.

Ew.

Can't Get No Respect

What if I said to you, "I just joined the Country Club and they're going to give me my own golf locker with a shiny nameplate."

Would your response be:
"HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"?

As it turns out, that IS the proper response.

Ladies' golf locker room:

My locker:

also:

Why you gotta do me like that, country club?

Keyword Korner: Summer Edition!

See Mr. Smiling Sun? Mr. Smiling Sun is hoping that THIS round of Google Analytics keywords will vindicate me.

Mr. Smiling Sun is sure that THIS time the list of phrases people typed into Google that landed them on my blog were things like:

"quick-witted insightful blog" and

"smart blogger slammin' body".

Pack up your things, Mr. Smiling Sun: The Bizarro Train has just pulled into the station. Shall we begin?

(Disclaimer to those who are new here: these are all actual searches that Google directed to my blog. I did not make this up.)

"butt farts come up vulva"

News flash, Sparky: those aren't butt farts.

"dos swine flu ifect my kids"

Probably not, but your lack of education might.

"my personal trainer doesn't know what he's on about"

This seems more of a "complaint" than a "search"

"fat girl"

Seriously?.... Seriously.

"boys weeners stuck in girls vergina"

Parents, get site blocking software on there ASAP or weeners in verginas are gonna be the least of your problems.

"Can Sudafed give you a drugged feeling"

Only if you ingest it.

"funny blogs organize neat girls"

Ummmmm........No.

"mommyblog Dooce make $40,000 a month"

Why do you HATE me???????

"i can see your hoo ha"

No you cannot- I do not have a webcam.

"i am slave to my goddess wife laundry clean toilet foot massage"

OK maybe my husband does read my blog.

"what does Jesus say about diet pills"

Jesus says, "None of that crap works - stop being such a lazy-ass, put down the cheese dip and get your fat ass to the gym..... Amen."

Thriller

File under: WTF?

Inmates at a Phillipines prison are... taught? forced? to perform Michael Jackson's "Thriller".

R.I.P., Michael.

If You Give a Mom a Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie.....

She'll probably ask for a glass of wine to go with it.

Then when her buzz kicks in, she'll probably eat 5 more because screw it - she's already totally blown Day One of her diet and she'll absolutely positively start tomorrow except wait- not tomorrow because tomorrow is Girls Night Out and that means lots and LOTS of wine and a high probability of calamari and mozzarella sticks - but wait - that IS protein after all - maybe even Atkins - except not the breadcrumbs - that's carbs - crap - so maybe that would be 'The Zone' which is how Jennifer Aniston got so skinny or maybe that's cuz she smokes and has a personal trainer but either way it would so suck to lose your husband to Angelina Jolie because she's got huge lips AND is bisexual and who can compete with THAT - and then the whole world feels sorry for you and takes polls on who you should be fixed up with and apparently 43% of Star Magazine readers think you should totally date Taylor Hicks which would be so depressing that you'd be better off staying home, drinking wine in a Snuggie and watching The Ghost Whisperer.....

and chances are, if you're drinking wine alone....

...you'll want a cookie to go with it.

What The Fake

Drama in the blogosphere!!!!!!!

Not one, but TWO bloggers have been exposed this week for fake "dead baby" stories that elicited sympathy, prayers and sometimes money from kind-hearted readers.

Just days after the "Little April Rose" hoax was uncovered, it became apparent yesterday that the Cynthiaa/Aiden'Bug' story was fake too.

I got sucked into that one. Left comments of support, searched Google images for blue balloons for the "balloon release in his memory"......

By my count, that's a good 6 and a half minutes that could have been spent on RobsessedPattinson.com.

So what have we learned from this.

You don't really "know" people on the internet.

How do you know this isn't me:

"Rob Pattinson is so hot.."

Lookit! How much do I love blogging in my towel-fort with my seltzer and pink satin leg-rest?

BTW my name is really Chaz.

Also: I think Kevin is the cutest Jonas.

I Guess It's Hereditary

I thought I was obsessed with Twilight.

I thought I had a pretty bad crush going on Robert Pattinson.

I underestimated the devotional love of the 8 year old.

MY 8 year old.

This video is from last night, when my husband brought home a framed Twilight poster, autographed by all the cast.

When Blog-Block Attacks

In lieu of something substantial to blog about today, I give you: the mess that is my house.

There's a Fine Line Between Shamu-ing and Prostitution

Over Memorial Day weekend, my husband's niece was raving about this book called "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love & Marriage".

Basically, the author's point is that humans can be "trained" to do certain things and avoid bad behaviors with the same "reward" techniques used at SeaWorld. Devotees of the book call the technique "Shamu-ing".

The f*ck.

So I'm in my lounge chair by the pool, sipping a Captain Morgan & Diet and I notice my husband intently studying his Kindle. 

That mofo downloaded the Shamu book.

Anyway. So it's Memorial Day weekend, and maybe the Captain & Cokes are going down pretty smooth and all my Twilight fanfiction has updated and Saturn is in the third house with Venus rising and Mr. Happy Hour is in for - well, a happy hour.

The next morning, he goes to the grocery store (?), comes back and says, and I quote: "Look! I got you sushi!"

No lie. Sushi. Like I'm a damn sea lion.

THEN he says "Oh- and I got cash- do you need any?"

Fish. And cash. That mofo is Shamu-ing me over last night's sex.

Me: Are you SHAMU-ING me????????

Him: What? No!

Me: How much cash did you get?

Him: 400.

Me: I'll take 3.

Weekend LOL Video Dilemma

What to do, what to do.

Here's the thing.

A couple of months ago I was on a recon mission over to Dooce's blog to see what she's up to. And she had posted this video of a sleepwalking dog from YouTube.

And I've been dying to post it for your weekend LOL Video but I kept thinking if I literally copied Dooce?????? I might spontaneously combust or have my blog license revoked or maybe get one of those bizarre cases of hiccups that doesn't go away for 2 years.

I mean, as you know she is my arch-rival and nemesis. Even though she doesn't know I exist. It would be like Jennifer Aniston adopting a black child from Ethiopia.

Ah, screw it.

I give you: Bizkit the Sleepwalking Dog.

Twitter Recap

For all of you all NOT following me on Twitter...here's the Cliff Notes from the past 2 months.  So you don't have to join Twitter, and I get a blog post. Everybody wins. :)

11 y.o: "What would you do if I shot this Nerf gun at you?" Me: "Say 'ow'." Her: (shoots) Me: "OW!!!!"

11:25 AM May 21st from twhirl

Um, what? Just got a notice that my Twilight blog is #50 for anime content.

3:07 PM May 21st from twhirl

Sweet. Google Reader just recommended my other blog to me.

3:41 PM May 20th from twhirl

Vacuuming your ants may not be as permanent a solution, but definitely more fun.

3:07 PM May 19th from twhirl

No, I am NOT picturing Joe Jonas handcuffed to the wall as my slave. Jeez. http://twitpic.com/59bpj 

8:48 PM May 15th from twhirl

On laptop at daughter's dance school. Tried to open Twilight fanfiction. DE-NIED. Their internet has morals.

6:27 PM May 14th from twhirl

Going to watch last week's 'Lost'. Have special brain-focusing helmet on.

8:01 PM May 12th from twhirl

8 year old describing black actor on TV: "He was a brother."

11:25 AM May 7th from twhirl

Anybody else crushing on Steve Ward from Tough Love? I just want to strap him in my car and take him on errands.

11:02 AM May 5th from twhirl

2 kids home sick. Freedom fail.

9:13 AM May 4th from twhirl

Attention Alpha parents: If I gave a crap about your kid's homeruns/goals/MVP status I promise you i would have asked.

7:35 PM May 3rd from twhirl

If you just passed someone car-dancing like a mental patient, it was me. "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. Sorry.

10:12 AM May 1st from twhirl

OMG welcome new twitterer @mrsweid who is apparently only following me, Tony Robbins and Zappos shoes.

8:40 AM May 1st from twhirl

8 y.o. just felt so bad for me having to clean up dog puke that she made me a painting.

8:00 PM April 30th from twhirl

Aw, the Craigslist killer wedding is off? It was the panties collection, wasn't it.

4:47 PM April 30th from twhirl

No, Swine Flu, we will not start calling you 'H1N1'. Who do you think you are: Diddy?

8:09 PM April 28th from twhirl

No lie: Twitter just notified me that SexyBigDickLeo is following me. Not sure whether to follow back or call 911.

3:40 PM April 20th from twhirl

Fox News: Woman stabs boyfriend over Pop Tart. Yikes. Hoping toaster pastry crime doesn't make it here to the suburbs.

3:17 PM April 17th from twhirl

My dog is trying to bury his bone in a beanbag chair. Cancel that appointment with the State Police Canine Unit.

9:05 AM April 15th from twhirl

Why does Facebook feel like one giant baseball card collection.

9:04 AM March 30th from twhirl

Why I love Fox news: 'Man sentenced to jail for having sex with car wash vacuum'.

3:41 PM March 26th from twhirl

Anxiety is obviously hereditary. 8 year old is practicing her 'Stop-Drop-and-Roll'.

5:50 PM March 25th from twhirl

I'm pretty sure there's heroin in Tostidos cheese dip.

12:17 PM March 25th from twhirl

On husbands post-colonoscopy instrux: #1 Don't drive #2 Don't operate machinery #3 Don't make any big decisions.

9:43 PM March 20th from twhirl

8 year old told her school friends I said Chris Brown "is a douchebag". Don't know why the playdate offers aren't rolling in.

11:56 AM March 20th from twhirl

Told my hubs i bought him a GQ magazine. Then he sees Robert pattinson on the cover and goes "Thanks f%$kface."

3:38 PM March 19th from twhirl

How the hell tall is David Gregory??? He makes Al Roker look like an ewok.

8:15 AM March 18th from twhirl

The gym is closed on St. Patricks Day, right? (say 'right')

9:11 AM March 17th from twhirl

Gosh my body is craving antioxidants and reservatrol...oh look- red wine.

5:50 PM March 16th from twhirl

Me at daughter's dance class tonite: "Shoot! I forgot i owe them money." 8 year old: "let's make a run for it."

7:43 PM March 12th from twhirl

Bristol Palin and her babydaddy broke up. I did not see that one coming.

6:50 PM March 11th from twhirl

Does it make me officially old that I traded in my Blackberry Storm for my old flip-phone? Get off my lawn.

3:36 PM March 10th from twhirl

Chuck Norris is the real father of octomom's babies. he's all: 'BLAM! Impregnated. Times eight." (#ChuckNorrisBirthday)

2:11 PM March 10th from twhirl

Got to sleep in with sick child home today. Decided 9:30 is my natural wake-up time. Can we all work around that?

11:39 AM March 10th from twhirl

My butt just hung up on you.

11:07 AM March 6th from twhirl

If the gym doesn't start making a bigger deal about me showing up, I'm going to stop going.

1:30 PM March 5th from twhirl

I'm thinking the "Beneful" dudes? With the dogs? need to get on Match.com.

9:15 AM March 5th from twhirl

8 year old: "I thought FedEx was a fart company." 11 year old : "that's Gas-X."

8:38 PM March 3rd from twhirl

Follow me - or you won't know what I'm doing.

I Think My Personal Trainer Is Broken

OK. A few weeks ago I said to myself, "Self? It's time to lose the baby weight." and my self said, "You mean since the baby's in second grade?" and I said "Yes."

So I narrowed it down to three options.

#1 Wii Fit.







#2 Ab Roller.








 #3 Darrell

Hold your comments.

So he tells me I need to come in first for an "FMS" and I say 'What is that: Fat Mom Situation?' and he says, No, Functional Movement Screen.

So I go in and he says, "Yeah, I've seen you in better shape."

And I think briefly of saying that FMS could also mean Foot Meets Scrotum but decide against it.

But I persevere because I am awesome and a trooper. At the second session he says, "Lie on your belly" and I say "My stomach?" and he says "That's not a stomach yet."

Dude. Could a girl get some euphemisms up in here? : "We're gonna do some fine tuning"...."We're gonna take your fitness to the next level"......??????

I'm thinking a little less marine boot camp, a little more...

Why I'd Make a Sucky Stripper

So Facebook, in its never-ending quest to not leave me alone, suggested tonight that I try the "Stripper Name Generator".

So I did, and was dubbed "Jewel Tightpassion". Which to me sounds more like a Disney Pixie Hollow fairy name. 

If I really was a stripper I would pick like "Foxy Patron" (pa-trone', after the Tequila, but I can't get my keyboard to make the spanish accent mark over the 'o', which is lame - it'll only do THIS 'ø', which is really more Nordic and not stripper-y at all.)

Where was I. Oh yeah. So a kick-ass name is about as far as I get because then I'm all "Hell no I'm not wearing those shoes" because all I ever wear is flip-flops and who wants to see a stripper flap-flap-flappin' down the runway in flip-flops.. 

(is there a runway? Maybe I'm thinking of America's Next Top Model. Maybe it's just a stage and a pole - either way- you know when you're upside down on the pole that those flip-flops are falling off).

And I'd be picking songs that aren't good at all to strip to like "The Bird" by Morris Day & The Time. 

(O-wee-o-wee-o.)

Plus the buffet would totally sideline me because they'd be all: "Foxy- you're on next" and I'd be all: "I can't. I'm all bloated from eating ziti."

And I'd be fired anyway for saying "maybe later" to lap dance requests, because GOD that's a lot of effort and I never was an "extra credit" kinda girl.

Plus something about my swine flu mask "scaring the customers".

Busted.

My 8-year-old outed me on Mother's Day. To my husband. About my Twilight blog.

Christ on a cracker - can't second graders keep anything on the DL anymore?

OK, so I was a little less than forthcoming with my husband about my "other blog". But in my defense, he barely reads this blog and as we know he can't even get the title right.

Plus I'm already pushing it with Flat Edward and Action Figure Edward, so "Don't Ask- Don't Tell" seemed like the way to go regarding online tributes to obsessions with other men.

So here's how it went down.

I self-gifted myself a laptop for Mother's Day, which I opened with much fanfare and faux-surprise Sunday morning.

Husband: I set it up so your blog is your homepage.

8 y.o.: You should do her other blog too!

Me: I LOVE this card!!

Husband: What "other blog"?

Me: Who wants cinnamon rolls??

8 y.o.: "Inappropriate Twilight Obsession"!

Husband: You have a Twilight Obsession blog????????

Me: it's not really a BLOG...it's more updates on the filming of New Moon and casting news......

8 y.o.: Mommy wrote a post about the color of Robert Pattinson's eyes.

Me: OK. That's not necessary.




Note to self. 8 year olds make sucky confidantes.

Inappropriate Twilight Obsession:
"For Those Who Shouldn't Be Obsessed With Twilight. But Are."

Weekly News: Fail Edition

Holy crap- where to start. 

It's been a great week in "Fail" news. Let's start with - oh, I don't know, - the Executive branch of the government.


SENSITIVITY FAIL

"So here's the plan. We're gonna take a huge jet, followed by 2 fighter jets, and have it fly low around lower Manhattan, specifically the financial district and the Statue of Liberty."
"You mean Ground Zero?"
"Exactly."


REASSURANCE FAIL

In answer to his thoughts on Swine Flu, Joe Biden declares that he would "tell all my family not to use planes, trains or automobiles." Not sure how you get Swine Flu in your own car, but the economy really appreciates your input, Joe.

THREAT ASSESSMENT FAIL

On Tuesday, a bunch of Somali pirates headed toward a large ship intending to overtake it and and realize too late- Oh Snap- it's the French Navy. They were promptly apprehended.

PUBLICITY FAIL

Yesterday, über-hottie Megan Fox declared "Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature." Way to alienate half your fan base, Megan. No one's Googling you because of your thespian abilities.

LIBERAL PORTRAYAL FAIL

Joe the Plumber was quoted Wednesday as saying that he believes same-sex marriage should be determined by state, and that he has "several homosexual friends". But he wouldn't, you know, "let them near my children."

AMBASSADOR SELECTION FAIL

Bristol Palin was on The Today Show yesterday, apparently in her new role as Spokesperson Against Teen Pregnancy. Says Palin, "Abstinence is the only 100% foolproof method of not getting pregnant."

In related news, the National Ski Injury Association has declared that "staying in the lodge" is the the number one way to prevent ski injury or fatality.