What You're Missing Not Following Me on Twitter

Show of Hands: Who's following me on Twitter?

Who has heard of Twitter but isn't sure what it is?

Whoa.

I am so gonna hook you up with the most pointless, fun, time-suck ever.

Twitter is a free social-networking application where you type in little thoughts or observations in 140 characters or less.

You can follow 5 people or 5000 people. You can follow real friends, bloggy friends or celebrities.

And you can reply to the things people say! It's fantabulous.

How have you made it through your day without insightful, educational tidbits like THESE:


HappyHourSueSo...I've rented the carpet cleaner machine....when do the little elves pop out?about 4 hours ago from twhirl

HappyHourSueSaw Tyson Beckford on the Today Show. He's so gorgeous he's like another species. "Hello, Earthlings, I'm from Planet Fine-Ass."about 4 hours ago from twhirl

HappyHourSueNote to self: wearing your tubing ticket on your jacket is not as hot as wearing a ski ticket.
2:01 PM Mar 1st from twhirl
HappyHourSueIf you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.10:16 AM Feb 27th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI am so over my Joe Jonas crush. I'm just getting to the 3D movie an hour early in case of a glasses shortage.10:06 AM Feb 27th from twhirl
HappyHourSueOK, time for LOST.....more Sawyer, less time travel, please.9:01 PM Feb 25th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSo...most people don't worry about their dog burning their nose on the stovetop? http://twitpic.com/1oxt65:02 PM Feb 25th from twhirl
HappyHourSueMake up your mind, health community: is a drink a day good or bad???? I'm all: Yes! Shit. Yes! Shit.11:37 AM Feb 25th from twhirl
HappyHourSue**whew** that was fun -just got done with Rob P. :http://twitpic.com/1lg35 5:32 PM Feb 20th from twhirl
HappyHourSueMe to 11 y.o.: "Try these! They're apple chips! They're delish!" Her:"Mom. I'm allergic to apples." Me: "Oh yeah." Her: "You're my MOM."6:37 PM Feb 17th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI wish I had scandalous photos to worry about Facebook publishing.2:52 PM Feb 16th from twhirl
HappyHourSueIn honor of Presidents' Day, I think I shouldn't cook tonight. Day of rest. Or something.2:30 PM Feb 16th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI got lapped by an old man while running on the YMCA track today. I mean, waistband-up-to-the-nipples old.4:13 PM Feb 12th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSo what - I'm still a rock star.4:30 PM Feb 5th from twhirl
HappyHourSueEvery day should be 2-hour school delay. 6am blows moose.11:28 AM Jan 29th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSorry- that was inappropriate.11:28 AM Jan 29th from twhirl
HappyHourSueI have my suspicions that Obama really can dance but puts on the White Man Overbite to not freak everybody out.10:20 AM Jan 21st from twhirl
HappyHourSueCan you imagine if he just busted out all Usher on everyone's ass?10:28 AM Jan 21st from twhirl
HappyHourSueOh God- US Air plane crashed into the Hudson?4:08 PM Jan 15th from twhirl
HappyHourSueSee? Twitter kicks Facebook ass in a crisis.4:45 PM Jan 15th from twhirl
HappyHourSueFacebook would be all "Happy Hour Sue sent you a piece of flair that says 'what's going on with the plane crash?'4:49 PM Jan 15th from twhirl    Come on...click the birdie.....
anybody who's still having trouble getting it, just email me - I'm a super-awesome enabler.




Speed up your PC

Thank God for Annette Bening

Calm down, everyone.

  










Annete Bening is in Iran right now working on US-Iranian relations.

I'm not making this up.

We should have this mess all squared away in no time. She's Annette-freakin'-Bening, for God's sake.

In related news, Zac Efron is conducting talks with Kim Jong Il in North Korea,












And the Real Housewives of Orange County are in economic discussions with China.

Diet Tips from Jesus

Jesus: So! How's that New Year's "resolution" going?

Me: What? Oh- great. Really great.

Jesus: Really.

Me: Totally. I mean, I haven't lost any weight YET, but, you know, I'm going to.

Jesus: I'm here to help. Remember how I performed that miracle turning water into wine?

Me: Yes...YES!!!!! You're here to make me skinny!!!!

Jesus: No. I'm turning all your wine into water.

Me: WHAT??!! That's not necessary.

Jesus: Yes. Alcohol makes you bloated. Water is cleansing.

Me: Wait. Wait. What about.....turn my cookies into carrots.

Jesus: No.

Me: Bread into broccoli.

Jesus: No.

Me: Spaghetti into spinach.

Jesus: No. drink your water. You'll thank me later.

Me: I still have vodka, you know.....unless....

Jesus: V8.

Me: crap.

This Is No Way To Run a Blog

So last night was The Oscars, and my friend Jen from The Daily Mish Mash was hosting a Twitter party. (go there to see more party details from last night).

Everybody watches the show together, while on Twitter, and talk about people's outfits, what a douche Ryan Seacrest is, etc. etc.

Only I don't own a LAPTOP, so in order to watch TV and be online simultaneously, I have to lug my ginormous desktop Dharma Initiative computer out of my office, across the house, and into the family room.

















Even the dogs are embarrassed.

I guarantee you Dooce does not have her Christmas lights extension cord sprawled about her living room. 1994 called. they want their technology back.

I suppose I could have borrowed my husband's laptop, but then if he went through history, he could see I was typing things like

"Where is Robert Pattinson"

"Why isn't there a RobCam"

"There he is jfkdkjg;ldfg;'gh;l'j';k"

And I'm not alone, BTW.

After he presented, my 8-year-old daughter got right up and wrote a fan letter (as 8 year olds are wont to do) proclaiming: "I would jump off a cliff for you."

I'm with ya, sister.

Cancel Our Newlywed Game Appearance

We are SO not winning the washer/dryer.

This is an actual exchange last night between me and my husband of 12 years:


Husband: Hey, guess what - you know our realtor, Geena? She has a blog!

Me: Cool.

Husband: Hers is called "Geenablog".com. You should call yours 'Sueblog'.

Me: Well I can't NOW.. everyone already knows the name.

Husband: What is it - "Happy... Hour... Meals"?

8 Year Old: DAD. "Happy Meals & Happy Hour".

Husband: Yeah, that's too long.

Me: Other people seem to remember it.

Husband: How about just "Sue.com"

Me: First of all, no. Second of all, it would sound like I was copying Dooce.

Husband: Who's Dooce.

Me: That really popular blogger who's in the book with me?

Husband: You're in a book?"


I swear to God, people.

Edward would SO know I was in a book.

"33 more days til Sue's book comes out..."

Who Let ME In?????

I'm not sure how this happened, but I'm going to be in a book. (!!??)

I'm just telling you guys, but keep it on the DL, cuz as soon as they realize their mistake they're gonna be all: "STOP THE PRESSES! (rip....rip....rip.....rip.....)".

It's the next "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book and it comes out in March - but here's the really exciting part:

Guess who ELSE is contributing.  Jodi Picoult,











Jillian Barberie Reynolds (you know, NutriSystem bikini girl)

Lynne Spears

Melora Hardin (Jan from 'The Office')

and.........

Dooce.

Jesus Christ on a Segway, can't I have my moment?

Please Don't Bedazzle Your Hoo-Ha

First, I want to thank the 340 awesome readers who took the Pop Quiz!!!!!!! Most of you rocked it- I'm so proud.

A few of you were obviously smokin' a doob behind the school before you came to class, but that's cool.

I'd like to give a special shout-out to the lurkers - I know that was a tough moment when the quiz asked for your name. So thank you to M, c, k, t, T, jq, b, D&P, a, f, k, a, A, k, l, s, HG, c, n, x, k, D, n, me, moi, don't know, lurker, and hmmmm.

Also? The number of you that thought my dream job was "zookeeper" was HI-larious.

Now, on to the bedazzling.

It has come to my attention that there is a growing trend towards blinging the girly-wallet. It's called "vajazzling".

What the actual fuck.

For Valentines Day, I learned, you can get a full Brazilian wax, then it's spray-painted gold and adorned with red Swarovski crystals. Liked, glued on, so you have a private little nether regions disco party, waiting to surprise your man.














Sisters... please. This is the female equivalent of the guy who hires the sky-writing plane or the Jumbotron. You're just making the rest of us look bad.  (Literally.)

The last thing we moms need is our husbands asking for a tricked-out va-jay-jay.  My husband's lucky if I change my razor cartridges.

You'll understand, sassy single girls, when you're a mom - ain't no way it's making the To-Do list.

cupcakes for class party
L. orthodontist
drycleaning
bank deposit
soccer parents meeting
embellish genitals with crystals
grocery store


Also, afterwards? Won't it look like the floor of Studio 54 on New Years Day? 

I'm just saying. All for one, one for all, pinky swear, F-that.

Thanks.

Pop Quiz

Everyone, please put your books under your desks, it's time for a pop quiz.

Pop Quiz 1) The Bathtub Gangsta was originally found On a shelf at Walmart on vacation in the sand floating in the tub with the girl dolls in a bag of donated toys

Powered By: QUIZYOURFRIENDS.com Make A Quiz - Take This Quiz - View Scoreboard

Are You Talking To Me?

Here's how you know this is not a picture of me.

See the little love-bugs playing nicely with their teddy bears in  the background? And see Mommy having a pleasant uninterrupted conversation?

Look at the serene yet engaged look on Mommy's face. Mommy is having a meaningful dialogue with another adult, which makes her happy.

Here is a transcript of MY typical phone conversation:


Caller: So what did the doctor say?

Me: He said NO! NO! PUT THAT DOWN! GIVE IT - GIVE IT - GIVE IT TO ME.

Caller: Uh....

Me: Sorry. He said NO SHARPIES! NO! USE SOMETHING ELSE. THERE'S OTHER MARKERS.

Caller: He...what?

Me: I'm sorry. He wants me to have a cardiogram.

Caller: Wow- do you want me to take you?

Me: NO YOU CANNOT. NO. I'M ON THE PHONE. I-AM-ON-THE-PHONE. Sorry.

Caller: It's Ok..you wanna call me later?

Me: No, no.. NO! DAMMIT, GET AWAY FROM HER - GIVE IT BACK.

Caller: So is he concerned..or....

Me: He thinks it's probably just stress.

Caller: Huh. Do you feel stressed about something?

Me: STOP. DON'T POUR THAT - IT'S TOO FULL- DAMMIT!!!! (sigh) No, I really can't think why I'd be stressed.

Caller: Weird.

Me: I know.

Fairy Names

So my two girls, ages 11 and 8, are all into this new online Disney game "Pixie Hollow"...about Fairies.

And I'm cracking up as I hear them talk about the fairy names that the game assigns to the players.

"Quicksilver Mangolashes".

"Nutmeg Bubblefeather".

"Cupcake Frostyboots".

I don't know why I find this so hilarious. It either reminds me of Native American stripper names or vagrants under the I-95 overpass.

Also? You "pay" for things with snowflakes or blueberries.

And if you're displeased with another player you have to use the default epithet: "Jingles to you!"

Naturally, I made up my own fairy name, "Margarita FoxMuffin", and my husband is now "AbRoller CrankyPants".

Husband: Could you stop now? It's really not that funny.

Me: It is SO funny. And you owe me 3 snowflakes.

Husband: I'm going to the gym.

Me: Jingles to you.

Wordless Wednesday

I'm not usually a Wordless Wednesday participator, but I had to share these two touching things with you guys:

First my bloggy friend and BlogHer '09 roommate Lisalicious sent me this:

Then this morning my mom sent me this video: