Why Did The Turtle Cross The Road?

F*ck if I know.

All I know is, the one thing I don't have time for in the morning scramble to drive the kids to school is animal rescue.

Especially since I'm still in my PJs - T shirt and boxers - with mens' basketball sneakers thrown on at the last minute.

But as we turn out of the neighborhood onto a busy street, here's this freakin giant ancient turtle inching its way across the road.  So I pull the SUV over, jump out- in my pajamas - and run over to it and try to pick it up by its shell like I'm Steve Irwin.

Which is pretty much when it turned into "Gamera" from the old Godzilla movies.

Whips its head around and tries to bite my arms off. Well. Almost. It whipped its head around and snapped. Anyway I dropped his Japanese subtitled ass fast.

Me yelling to kids in car: "It's a SNAPPING turtle!!!!"

Kids: "Save it, Mom!!!!!"

(now the cars are backed up waiting on the impromptu woman vs. Gamera battle that is about to ensue.)

So I grab a big stick. Cuz I'm pretty sure that would've been Steve Irwin's move.

And I try to Super-poke him off to the side.

Gamera: "Your stick is no match for my Jaws of Death!" (snaps at the stick)

Me: "I'm just tryin to HELP you, you retard!" (poke)

Gamera: "Let the battle begin. My Kung Fu is strong." (snap)

Me: "Idiot! Can you say 'roadkill'???????" (poke)

Gamera: "Can YOU say: 'ugly pajamas'?" (snap)

Me: "MOVE you freakshow!" (poke)

Gamera: "I'M the Freakshow?  Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?" (snap)

Me: "I wasn't planning on Roadkill Intervention for an ugly-ass turtle.." (poke)

Gamera: "That was unnecessary."

Me: "Agreed. I apologize."

Gamera: "Let us end our battle with honor."

Me:" OK then."

Gamera: "I shall continue my journey across the street."

Me: "Whatever."