My Bad, I've Been Bloated.

Sorry about the whole "not posting" thing.

Between hosting Thanksgiving and seeing New Moon 4 times I've been wicked busy.

You know, working leftover stuffing into every meal and jumping in on heated online discussions as to why Robert Pattinson's left nipple is bigger than his right.

The good news is, my husband has agreed to see the movie with me to "see who this Taylor Lautner is".

The bad news is, he's gonna figure out that he's 17. Cougar fail.

Speaking of, here's something disturbing in a genius kinda way: My 9 year old created THIS using Photobooth on my computer:

I'm pretty sure this is where I should be sitting her down for some sort of talk, but really I'm just kind of in awe of her skillz and artistic vision.

What else did you miss....

Oh: In case you were wondering if the brain of the Giant Schnauzer corresponds to his massive size?

We took this shot AS the National Dog Show was on TV Thanksgiving morning:

so.....No.

No, it does not.

And yes, that is a garbage can lid.

Weekend LOL Video

In honor of New Moon opening Friday.....

Random Crap

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OK, first up: "Funny Things Husbands Do".

Yeah. That's the kitchen TV remote velcroed to the TV.

So when we want to turn on the TV from across the room, we have to walk all the way over to it, remove the remote from its handy holster, then use it.

I'm just sayin'.  It's called a "remote" for a reason.

Moving on.

Do we not have any OTHER photos of Kalid Sheik Mohammed ?

I call this one "Manscape 911".



In national news, I just read on Fox News that a guy who claimed to be a ninja impaled himself on a fence. Quote:

"Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in a reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role."

Awesome.


Finally, I need to address this whole Levi Johnston posing for Playgirl brou-ha-ha.

"He's going totally nude" "Now he's not" "Now he is".

For the love of Ray J, WHO THE CRAP CARES ABOUT LEVI JOHNSTON.

Bristol Palin-humpin', chubby cheek-havin', townie sellout tool.

And then it started to bug me: Who does he remind me of?

"That's whack, yo."

Weekend LOL Video

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just think this is hilarious and some of you won't but it's my blog.

Ray Amsley's Self Defense - watch more funny videos

The One Where The Kid Walks In On Us

Holy Mother of God.

I really never thought this day would come.

We've been locking the bedroom door for 13 years.

THIRTEEN YEARS, people.......Thirteen years that, while rife with interruptions ("Mom? Mommy? Mom? Where are you? Mom? Mom! MOM!!").......have never experienced a security breach. Until Saturday.

This? was a security fail of epic proportions.

Apparently my husband in his - cluelessness enthusiasm  - turned the lock in the door handle but didn't shut it completely so the latch never engaged.

Fast forward to Repertoire Move #4.5, Stage II and cue 9 year old.......in full bust-in mode - no knock, just BAM! -door open -

and the next 20 seconds are a jumble in my mind  - I know I yelled "JEEEEZUSSS!!!!!" and flew off the bed knocking my husband backwards with a Neo from The Matrix sideways slo-mo dive only without guns. And naked.

The 9 year old ducks back out trying to process the image that is now seared into her brain for all eternity, while I do the only logical thing, which is to repeatedly punch my husband in the shoulder screaming "ASShole!"

So now the world as we know it has ended, my daughter is struggling with all the possible meanings of what she saw, I'm frantically trying to come up with explanations - We were kissing??? We were wrestling???? Daddy was helping me apply self-tanner???.....

and my husband, because I can always count on him to lead this family in moments of crisis, says,

"So....... can we keep going?"

Weekend LOL Video

An oldie but a goodie.......


Kid has a totally awesome freakout over his mom cancelling his "World of Warcraft" video game account.

Apparently I'm Not a Carrot.

Yeah, I didn't know what a "carrot" is either.

Turns out, it's an attractive runner in flattering run-wear that, theoretically, would be motivating for the male runner to follow, like a horse following a carrot.

So. Backing up. I ran a 5K Saturday with my daughter for charity.

And I wore this:

And I'm all proud of myself and exhausted but feeling pretty badass for completing it and my friend Sharon pulls up in the car next to me and rolls down her window.

Sharon: Hey! Good job! You guys made a pretty good time!

Me: Thanks!

Sharon: But yeah- we need to talk about your running gear.

Me: What-this?

Sharon: Yeah, the baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants and 2 pounds of keys?

Me: Not so much?

Sharon: No. Not very aerodynamic. I'm taking you to TJ Maxx.

I'm thinking my look is more "eggplant."