Monday, May 26, 2008

Got MILF?

First, I'd like to say 'Welcome' to all the men who landed here from searching the word 'MILF'. Nice to have you. 



OK. This is my husband's niece, who was one of our house guests for the 3-day weekend. She has 3 children. No adoptions, no surrogates. Also, she's 40. Yeah, I know. She eats bagels with butter for breakfast, takes bellydancing and I'm pretty sure she buys her miniskirts at GapKids. So what is my point. Sympathy, I guess...because having her around in a bikini for 3 days makes you feel pretty much like this:


It's not really 2008-Me that's frustrated with this situation. It's 1996-Me. 
1996-Me Had It Goin' On and wants to know What the Hell Happened.

1996 Me: Uh, what's up with the 'swim skirt'?
2008 Me: Well excuse me - some of us feel more comfortable less exposed.
1996 Me: Why haven't you been going to aerobics?
2008 Me: No one calls it 'aerobics' anymore. It's 'group exercise'. Plus, I've been doing a lot of walking. You know, the magazines are saying you can 'Walk Off the Weight!'
1996 Me: And you've been doing that for...
2008 Me: 6 years.
1996 Me: Ok, look. High-impact aerobics at least once a day. Fat-free Newtons, watermelon and carrots.
2008 Me: Carrots are bad. High glycemic index. And I don't have time for aerobics. I'm very busy blogging.
1996 Me: What's "blogging"??????
2008 Me: It's......a 2-hour class...of jumping jacks, squat thrusts..and step...to dance music.
1996 Me: OK, cool. Don't forget the Newtons.
2008 Me: Gotcha.





25 comments:

Alice said...

The only thing your post did was depress the hell out of me.

Angie (Angelica Grace Designs) said...

Love your blog. It's great!
Blessings, Angie Seaman
www.angelicagracedesigns.com/blog/
www.angelicagracedesigns.com

Wendy said...

she does NOT eat bagels with butter for breakfast! get OUT!!

was that her "vacation" food and at home she eats 1/2 cup of plain yogurt with uncooked oats?

Terry said...

i stubbled on your blog and read this hilarious and think as a man you should try wearing what you used to wear and just accept your body the way it is and post a picture of it and compare

that'd be a good blog

terry again said...

oh and 1996 you is quite attractive

The Mom said...

Wow, I'm going to buy bagels and butter.

She probably doesn't eat anything else the rest of the day though huh?

Gettysburg Mom said...

ahem. I'm guessing at least one commenter this week googled milf. Not saying who. Just a guess.

Beth said...

You and I are very much on the same wave length today.

I just posted a rear view picture of myself that looks very similar to the rear view picture you posted.

1996 me hates 2008 me but 1996 me didn't have two kids, a DVR full of reality shows that must be watched while munching on chips and dip and the metabolism of an almost 40 year old.

Lee said...

1996 me looked pretty much the way 2008 me looks...sadly. Now, if I were to talk about 1971 me...

Tenakim said...

Thank God you skinny houseguest has left. I was jonesing for one of your funny posts all weekend!

Brooke said...

My 1996-Me decided years ago (well, 12 years ago) that she would much rather be well-fed and curvy (really curvy) than hungry and a beanpole.

Just saying - I don't know what the afterlife is like, but if there's even a possibility of St. Peter not offering a plate of chocolate when I walk through those pearly gates, then I've got to eat my fill here and now.

Gotta run. It's been 10 minutes since my last handful of chocolate chips!

Ann said...

Oh for the love of all that is good in this world will these women just leave us alone!!!
Aarrgh!
O.K. Really though, I've been trying my darndest to look like your guest for the past 5 months. It all started when I saw the Christmas pictures.
Do you remember that commercial when the mother is bent over by the Christmas tree and the child looks at her rear and says "Santa!". Yup. That's real. And it must go away.
Time to go dance around the house!

Elisa said...

Wow, that conversation is remarkably like the one I just had with my 1996-self, too ;-)

VE said...

Never talk to your younger self...they are just too immature to understand!

Kelly said...

God I can so relate..
but seriously, bagels and butter..?? yeah but then maybe she goes and purges everything..
I would kill for my 1996 body...ahhh and to think I was fat back then...what a fool.

Jamie said...

OMG, you are my long lost sister! Sounds like you need to join my muffin top killers blog roll. We are trying to "Stop the TOP" My kids did a number on my R.I.P.1997-2004 body.

Don't let the MILF get cha down:))

Holy Crappers said...

She must be destroyed

sista #1

TONYA said...

But I eat bagels with cream cheese and jelly for breakfast every morning and I don't look like that. I have 3 kids and I'm not forty for a few more years. Seriously depressing.

I'm with 'holy crappers'. She must go.

leigh said...

uhhh...she may have birthed some rugrats, but she's definately not natural. nobody's boobs look like that after three kids.

ginger said...

absolutely hysterical! i love it!

McMommy said...

I feel like a complete moron when I comment on your blog. Seriously, I think every single comment I leave is "You are so hysterical!!" and "I am dying laughing!"

But it's so true. I can't stop laughing at 1996 me with the whole aerobics thing!!!

*jimaie.marie* said...

SO HILARIOUS!
i found you thru recommendation of McMommy and am thrilled that i found someone else to make me laugh on a daily :D

p.s. i hate your husband's niece ;)

Diane said...

For you, thank goodness she's gone! I would want to die.

Heather at A Boy, A Girl, & A Pug said...

This is my first time here.

This was a great post.

Although now I am a little depressed:( I don't think it would matter how much I exercise or how many fig newtons I eat-I will NEVER look like that!:(

Anonymous said...

Ok, bloggers, I've carefully inspected and yes...I have found cellulite! It's true, along with sagging belly skin and wrinkles in odd places that I didn't know wrinkles would ever appear! Who knew knees would need Stri-Vectin? Love the blog and I love my "aunt". fyi, SHE STILL LOOKS LIKE the 1996 pic so I don't know what she's talking about! What a hottie! This is the pot calling the kettle black! :) Ironically, my 1996 picture looked like Roseanne Barr with blonde hair as I was hugely pregnant. And the bagels should always have butter AND chocolate chips!

Brie:)