Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The über-Grill

Why. Why is there a spaceship parked on my deck. Captain Kirk called: He wants his bridge back. Ladies, I know you're as flummoxed as I am, so men: I put it to you: WTF. Let me point something out in case anyone out there is coveting the jauntily angled "East Wing" and "West Wing" (no they won't go straight.) See those drawers? Know what's in them? A bag of fish food for the pond. The second drawer has the spare key to the house. Third drawer: empty. And the east wing houses the propane tank, which could easily fit in the center. Those holes at the top are supposed to hold "condiments" but currently they're a high-tech condo for bees. 
But I can say this: 
Average amount cooked per use with old grill:
      4 burgers, 4 hotdogs.
Average amount cooked per use with über-grill: 
      4 burgers, 4 hotdogs.

Maybe if I position my lounge chair facing it, I'll  get a tan in half the time.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I Miss U, Britney

Britney, where are you?? We Beta moms are getting a little uncomfortable without our Fearless Leader in the spotlight: people are starting to focus on our Mommy-lameness. Are they changing you there in rehab? Don't let them, Britney! You don't need carseats - or shoes - just be You. Doesn't Jayden miss his sippy of orange Fanta? Come back to us - we won't comment on the British accent anymore - swear. So you like to get your drink on - who doesn't? Your "Purple Drank" has become all the rage in the clubs now. Know why? Classy, that's why. And be sure you tell Jamie Lynn what's up. You are a woman who has it all - make sure she follows your lead. C'mon - Taco Bell is open til 4am now...get out there and represent.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Diary of a Polygamist Wife

Dear Diary,
Today we had to go to the Heathens' courthouse. I wore my sky-blue dress, Elizabeth Ann wore her robins-egg blue, and Meredith Jean wore lavender because she is a slut. It took me 2 hours to  get my bangs to roll right because she hid my orange juice cans.
Inside the entrance they had us pass through a "metal detector" but I know it's a machine that sees through our clothes. Meredith Jean said she wanted to go through twice.
In the name of Joseph Smith and all that is pastel, this visit to The Outside is exposing us all to the Devil's work. When court recessed, I saw Luanne and Jo-Beth sipping Red Bulls and reading The National Enquirer. Maybelle wants a Blackberry and Wanda Pearl has signed up for kickboxing. Even Aunt Raylene is claiming she's a Mona Vie distributor.
I'll write again tomorrow, Diary....
                   Sarah Beth

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Party On, Party Balloon Priest

Just want to give a shout-out to Father Adelir Antonio de Carli, the Brazilian priest who got carried away by party balloons and is still missing. In case you missed it, this is a true story. Father deCarli was trying to break a world record for being held aloft by helium balloons. He may have inadvertantly broken the record for stupidity. Or "Most Festive Suicide". Yes, I will feel like a really bad Catholic if they find his body in the next few days. But for now, I'd like to imagine that he's enjoying the ride through the stratosphere, just a fun-lovin' guy without a backup plan. Party on, Dude.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The "Baby Weight"

So I'm still trying to lose the Baby Weight. Which is not going so well, as the baby is in first grade. 

I maintain, however, that this 20 pounds is, in fact, "baby weight" because I have photos of myself after my first child, happily back at my pre-pregnancy weight, sportin' a bikini and sippin' a Zima without a clue as to what was to come with baby #2. And I do blame the baby. Babies = fat. Show me one NutriSystem "before" photo woman without  a baby on her lap. They're like little "fat fairies". Then they're the first ones to call you out on your mommy fatness. As soon as they can talk they're all, "Mommy! Those underpants are too small for your butt!" Great. Mommy used to rock a thong before you came to town, junior.

And so begins the endless progression of diets over the years: Atkins/South Beach/Zone/Cabbage Soup/Master Cleanse/Skinny Bitch/Slim Fast....I'm thinking of starting all over again and kickin' it Old School with Scarsdale. And Tab. Maybe buy Jim Fixx's running book.

Which brings me to working out. Yes, I am willing to work out. No, I will not go with you to any class that evolved after 1990. I will not go to Spinning. Or Power Yoga, Hatha Yoga, or 100 degree heat yoga. I will not go to Pilates, Yoga-Lates or Balletone.
No, I will not "love it". I don't care about my "core". I am an 80's high-impact girl. Bring on the electronic dance mix and the shin splints. I do a wicked turn-step and 3-knee repeater. That is, unless it's one of those days when I'm "too fat to go to the gym".

I still have all my old bikinis. They're all packed away in the back of my closet, replaced by "Miraclesuits" and swim skirts. No doubt they'll still be there when I'm 70 and the baby is 37. Maybe then I'll concede that the baby weight is here to stay. This is how you'll know: ask me what I'd like for a cocktail. If I say "Captain Morgan and Diet Coke", shoot me.

Friday, April 11, 2008

On Blogging

So I'm now a blogger. I blog.

This is like the outcast kid in high school finding their group, or the mothership coming to pick up the lost alien.

At last a forum to put down my random thoughts and ramblings without bothering my friends at work. Previously, my mass emails would get responses along the lines of "you really need a hobby" or "have you considered working full time?" to which I would respond "You're lucky I don't know Photoshop."

My friend Jackie once suggested that we moms email each other with the subject line "Today I Learned.." as a way to share interesting tips or insights that others might learn from. I jumped right in with "Today I Learned...that a single fruit fly can give you away if you've had wine before the school concert."

Probably she was thinking more along the lines of SAT tutoring or a good pesto recipe. But take my word about the fruit fly. I'm serious.