Sunday, October 13, 2013

Happy "Dress Like a Slut Day"

Oh joy.

It's that time of year again...

Cider! Pumpkins! Candy! Ho's!

WELL.  Apparently toddling around on stripper heels as a "sexy" nurse/cop/referee/cheerleader/devil/angel/football player/firefighter/pirate has been DONE. 2003 called: It wants it's "sexy" back.

Any slut-for-a-night knows you have to be original to stand out in a sea of bimbos. 

Think outside the box!   

How about: Sexy Micky Mouse?

Sexy Girl Scout? That's not inappropriate at all.

Sexy Dinosaur!

Sexy Pizza Slice!!

Sexy Cheeseburger!

Really the possibilities are endless.

I am proposing the following ideas to some costume companies for 2014 (PATENT PENDING don't even try it.)

* Sexy hermit crab

* Sexy leaf

* Sexy parking ticket

* Sexy gummy worm

* Sexy tongue depressor

* Sexy Post-it note

* Sexy this thing:

Or hell, just show up naked with an apple and a rubber snake. "Eve". Just saved you $39.95.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Kindles Are For Porn

Ladies! Let's talk smut.

OK, so by now we've all read the entire Fifty Shades Trilogy , freaked out our husbands/significant others with our jump-started libidos, dropped out of Book Club, and are looking around for our next fix like "NOW what." (husbands/significant others: "Yeah! NOW what.")

Fifty Shades is a gateway drug, my friends. There is a whole universe of competent-to-poorly written erotica out there, waiting to be consumed, like thousands of little dime bags, but with more ripped biceps and heavy breathing. 

However: Just as the alcoholic needs the paper bag, you can't go broadcasting at the travel soccer games that you're reading His Forbidden Submissive, or Beg For It .

You, my friend, need a Kindle .

The Kindle e-books are cheaper than regular books, and you just download them straight from Amazon. No embarrassing book store checkout, no hiding the books from the family (and yes, there is a pass lock, 4 characters, I suggest P-O-R-N).

So below I've listed some of my faves, highly recommended.

And final tip: When someone notices your Kindle and asks "What are you reading?" your answer is this:

"Oh- it's 'Proof of Heaven' - it's a true story of a well-respected neurosurgeon who recounts his near-death experience while in a coma. It's on The New York Times Bestsellers List. It's really interesting."

See? Look at you- intellectual, spiritual, open-minded.

And horny. Let's not forget horny.