Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Keyword Korner: Summer Edition!

See Mr. Smiling Sun? Mr. Smiling Sun is hoping that THIS round of Google Analytics keywords will vindicate me.

Mr. Smiling Sun is sure that THIS time the list of phrases people typed into Google that landed them on my blog were things like:

"quick-witted insightful blog" and
"smart blogger slammin' body".

Pack up your things, Mr. Smiling Sun: The Bizarro Train has just pulled into the station. Shall we begin?

(Disclaimer to those who are new here: these are all actual searches that Google directed to my blog. I did not make this up.)

"butt farts come up vulva"
News flash, Sparky: those aren't butt farts.

"dos swine flu ifect my kids"
Probably not, but your lack of education might.

"my personal trainer doesn't know what he's on about"
This seems more of a "complaint" than a "search"

"fat girl"
Seriously?.... Seriously.

"boys weeners stuck in girls vergina"
Parents, get site blocking software on there ASAP or weeners in verginas are gonna be the least of your problems.

"Can Sudafed give you a drugged feeling"
Only if you ingest it.

"funny blogs organize neat girls"

"mommyblog Dooce make $40,000 a month"
Why do you HATE me???????

"i can see your hoo ha"
No you cannot- I do not have a webcam.

"i am slave to my goddess wife laundry clean toilet foot massage"
OK maybe my husband does read my blog.

"what does Jesus say about diet pills"
Jesus says, "None of that crap works - stop being such a lazy-ass, put down the cheese dip and get your fat ass to the gym..... Amen."

Friday, June 26, 2009


File under: WTF?

Inmates at a Phillipines prison are... taught? forced? to perform Michael Jackson's "Thriller".

R.I.P., Michael.

Monday, June 22, 2009

If You Give a Mom a Cookie

If you give a mom a cookie.....

She'll probably ask for a glass of wine to go with it.

Then when her buzz kicks in, she'll probably eat 5 more because screw it - she's already totally blown Day One of her diet and she'll absolutely positively start tomorrow except wait- not tomorrow because tomorrow is Girls Night Out and that means lots and LOTS of wine and a high probability of calamari and mozzarella sticks - but wait - that IS protein after all - maybe even Atkins - except not the breadcrumbs - that's carbs - crap - so maybe that would be 'The Zone' which is how Jennifer Aniston got so skinny or maybe that's cuz she smokes and has a personal trainer but either way it would so suck to lose your husband to Angelina Jolie because she's got huge lips AND is bisexual and who can compete with THAT - and then the whole world feels sorry for you and takes polls on who you should be fixed up with and apparently 43% of Star Magazine readers think you should totally date Taylor Hicks which would be so depressing that you'd be better off staying home, drinking wine in a Snuggie and watching The Ghost Whisperer.....

and chances are, if you're drinking wine alone....

...you'll want a cookie to go with it.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

What The Fake

Drama in the blogosphere!!!!!!!

Not one, but TWO bloggers have been exposed this week for fake "dead baby" stories that elicited sympathy, prayers and sometimes money from kind-hearted readers.

Just days after the "Little April Rose" hoax was uncovered, it became apparent yesterday that the Cynthiaa/Aiden'Bug' story was fake too.

I got sucked into that one. Left comments of support, searched Google images for blue balloons for the "balloon release in his memory"......

By my count, that's a good 6 and a half minutes that could have been spent on RobsessedPattinson.com.

So what have we learned from this.

You don't really "know" people on the internet.

How do you know this isn't me:
"Rob Pattinson is so hot.."

Lookit! How much do I love blogging in my towel-fort with my seltzer and pink satin leg-rest?

BTW my name is really Chaz.

Also: I think Kevin is the cutest Jonas.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I Guess It's Hereditary

I thought I was obsessed with Twilight.

I thought I had a pretty bad crush going on Robert Pattinson.

I underestimated the devotional love of the 8 year old.

MY 8 year old.

This video is from last night, when my husband brought home a framed Twilight poster, autographed by all the cast.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When Blog-Block Attacks

In lieu of something substantial to blog about today, I give you: the mess that is my house.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

There's a Fine Line Between Shamu-ing and Prostitution

Over Memorial Day weekend, my husband's niece was raving about this book called "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love & Marriage".

Basically, the author's point is that humans can be "trained" to do certain things and avoid bad behaviors with the same "reward" techniques used at SeaWorld. Devotees of the book call the technique "Shamu-ing".

The f*ck.

So I'm in my lounge chair by the pool, sipping a Captain Morgan & Diet and I notice my husband intently studying his Kindle. 

That mofo downloaded the Shamu book.

Anyway. So it's Memorial Day weekend, and maybe the Captain & Cokes are going down pretty smooth and all my Twilight fanfiction has updated and Saturn is in the third house with Venus rising and Mr. Happy Hour is in for - well, a happy hour.

The next morning, he goes to the grocery store (?), comes back and says, and I quote: "Look! I got you sushi!"

No lie. Sushi. Like I'm a damn sea lion.

THEN he says "Oh- and I got cash- do you need any?"

Fish. And cash. That mofo is Shamu-ing me over last night's sex.

Me: Are you SHAMU-ING me????????

Him: What? No!

Me: How much cash did you get?

Him: 400.

Me: I'll take 3.