Thursday, October 16, 2014

Things I Need To Do Before I Die of Ebola



So Fox News' Shepard Smith went on a viral (ha) rant yesterday about how everybody should calm the fuck down already about Ebola.

Even though I suspect Shepard is rocking guyliner (see Exhibit A)

Exhibit A:


I really, really, really wanna believe him due to my inherently panicky anxiety-ridden hypochondriac overly-prepared nature.

(see Y2K)
(see SARS)
(see Bird Flu)
(see Mad Cow Disease)

In the event that we are, in fact, all doomed, here is my Ebola Bucket List. I'm guessing I have about 9 months to a year.

EBOLA BUCKET LIST

• Find out what a 3D printer does

• Hire a professional dance group and professional actor to flash-mob propose to me

• Watch all 5 seasons of Breaking Bad on Netflix (I know I know I know)

• Learn to booty clap

• Kidnap Khal Drogo from Games of Thrones at gunpoint

actually after that one^, I'm pretty much set.




Sunday, October 13, 2013

Happy "Dress Like a Slut Day"


Oh joy.

It's that time of year again...

Cider! Pumpkins! Candy! Ho's!

WELL.  Apparently toddling around on stripper heels as a "sexy" nurse/cop/referee/cheerleader/devil/angel/football player/firefighter/pirate has been DONE. 2003 called: It wants it's "sexy" back.

Any slut-for-a-night knows you have to be original to stand out in a sea of bimbos. 

Think outside the box!   

How about: Sexy Micky Mouse?


Sexy Girl Scout? That's not inappropriate at all.

Sexy Dinosaur!


Sexy Pizza Slice!!

Sexy Cheeseburger!

Really the possibilities are endless.

I am proposing the following ideas to some costume companies for 2014 (PATENT PENDING don't even try it.)

* Sexy hermit crab

* Sexy leaf

* Sexy parking ticket

* Sexy gummy worm

* Sexy tongue depressor

* Sexy Post-it note

* Sexy this thing:




Or hell, just show up naked with an apple and a rubber snake. "Eve". Just saved you $39.95.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Kindles Are For Porn


Ladies! Let's talk smut.

OK, so by now we've all read the entire Fifty Shades Trilogy , freaked out our husbands/significant others with our jump-started libidos, dropped out of Book Club, and are looking around for our next fix like "NOW what." (husbands/significant others: "Yeah! NOW what.")

Fifty Shades is a gateway drug, my friends. There is a whole universe of competent-to-poorly written erotica out there, waiting to be consumed, like thousands of little dime bags, but with more ripped biceps and heavy breathing. 

However: Just as the alcoholic needs the paper bag, you can't go broadcasting at the travel soccer games that you're reading His Forbidden Submissive, or Beg For It .

You, my friend, need a Kindle .

The Kindle e-books are cheaper than regular books, and you just download them straight from Amazon. No embarrassing book store checkout, no hiding the books from the family (and yes, there is a pass lock, 4 characters, I suggest P-O-R-N).

So below I've listed some of my faves, highly recommended.

And final tip: When someone notices your Kindle and asks "What are you reading?" your answer is this:

"Oh- it's 'Proof of Heaven' - it's a true story of a well-respected neurosurgeon who recounts his near-death experience while in a coma. It's on The New York Times Bestsellers List. It's really interesting."

See? Look at you- intellectual, spiritual, open-minded.

And horny. Let's not forget horny.









Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Amazon So Doesn't Care About My Writer's Block




















Holy mother.

I TOTALLY forgot my blog was available on Kindle and Amazon was CHARGING .99 cents for it.

Apparently, they've been sending out apology emails to subscribers and offering them their money back. And booted me out of the Amazon Kindle family of offerings.

Awkward.

But guess what. I got a job. (!!!!!!!)  I know. I'm totally an executive right now. No, I'm not...but I wear heels and lipgloss and curse at people while I'm driving. So same thing.

Here's what I've learned my first week:

Things to Say When You're Getting Coffee to-go in the Morning at the Wawa:

"Another day, another dollar.."

"Is it Friday yet? hahahahaha"

"Workin' hard? Or hardly workin'?"

"Take this job and shove it - Am I right?"

"Are you gonna finish that pretzel?"



Things That Have Not Changed Since I Last Worked in 1997

Adding smiley faces or hearts to your "possession labels" in the office fridge so you don't seem like a selfish OCD bitch.

Minimum of 6 trial-and-error passes to figure out a double sided copy.

Do we, or do we not, get Columbus Day off.



Things I Have No Time For Now That I Work

Texting

Visiting my own Facebook page

Anybody else's laundry besides mine

Front step decoration and maintenance:
















"Back off, I'm workin' for The Man."

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Harry Potter Recap. Sort Of.










My account of the entire Harry Potter series... don't hold me to this. I don't really pay attention.

So. There are 23 Harry Potter books that were made into 18 movies. J.K. Rowling wrote them all on a napkin while she was on the Amtrak. All the movie titles are called "Harry Potter and..." except the 15th one, "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief."

Ok. Basically, if you're a wizard you go to a special school because you're weird and you'd be bullied at public school, and probably turn someone into a burrito and then the school would get sued.

The main thing you need to know is that Harry should totally be with Hermoine but for some random reason she ends up with Ron, who's a ginger, so that doesn't even make sense.

The Bad Guy's named Valdemort and even though he has a snake nose, I've seen scarier.

Um....there are lots of potions/owls/candles/snakes/goblins and spiders.

Everybody defends themselves with wands. I don't really know why they don't use their wands to conjure up guns, I think that'd be more useful against giant spider attacks.

Harry is the only person with a normal name, and that is why he is the most powerful. Everybody else is named like Hingus Puddingfoot.

There is a good amount of running.

The greatest mystery is why nobody is talkin' about THIS dude, who was smokin' hot.


OK, maybe that's related to my lingering Adam Ant crush.





*****SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!******


Harry lives, Voldemort dies.

If I missed something, leave a comment.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Rapture a Success!














Well this is awkward.

Sorry you all didn't make it this go-round....this is not the turnout we were expecting.

I'm lookin' at a lotta uneaten Chex Mix and Propel.

But I figure as long as they have wifi up here I can still blog and give you a little "insider information".


THINGS YOU FIND OUT IN HEAVEN:

• all the missing socks are here. They were too good for that world.

• Yes, there is a totally separate bug heaven.

• They're still working on fixing hail.

• Satan and the DMV have had a longstanding partnership, as suspected.

• Hundreds of thousands of people have died from mixing soda and Pop Rocks.

• Michael Jackson? not here.

 and finally....

• Yes, He sees everything you do.
Yes, even that.
 No, he doesn't think you're a pervert.
Except that one time.
You might wanna lay off that.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

LOL I Almost Took An Anti-Nuclear Radiation Pill Instead of a Multivitamin













That was funny.

We've all done it, we've all done it, I know :)

So, yeah, my armageddon kit is coming together nicely... thanks for asking...and it's kinda nice not having a DEADLINE ...Hello ...Y2K.. hahaha... that was a lotta pressure.

and embarrassing.

But you know what? It was good practice...I discovered some very interesting websites. And learned a lot of things.

Namely, all you really need to survive in a post-apocalyptic world is sprouts.







True. And a gun.

Sprouts, a gun and probably some vodka.

I might've made that last one up.

So here's a picture of what I have so far...I know, no gun...but the empty bottles double as weapons.




Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Oh, SkyMall...Why Didn't I Think Of That.

(Editor's note: Yes-I'm pretending that I haven't had writer's block for 3 months...just go with it.)


So we all know that I hate flying.....what with all the crashing and the dying and whatnot.

And it's super-awesome that besides having to worry about engine trouble and de-icing the wings and electrical failure and hijacking (remember hijacking? Like, regular....take-us-to-Cuba hijacking?) I now have to add underwear bombers and birds to the list.

(Birds? Really? What kind of dumb-ass flock of birds gets sucked into a plane engine.)

Anyway. There is one awesome thing about planes..aside from how crazy-cute Captain Morgan looks in mini size....


SkyMall Magazine.

Seriously, I think I need to look into a subscription...because I don't fly that often...and how could I sleep at night knowing I might be missing out on products like



SkyRest




















Steak monogrammer,
(available in any combination
of letters or just "D-BAG")









"Garden Yeti"












Garden Zombie











"Napping flat on your face" pillow









Stress relieving head massager.
Literally says "use it at your desk at work".











Because in this economy your job is totally safe if you're rockin' a space helmet.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I Blame Facebook

























I know I haven't blogged in a bajillion years and I'm trying to find something to blame it on like the lunar eclipse or MRSA or Obamacare... but the truth is...

I'm on Facebook every day. So every thought that should've gone here...has gone there.


My bad.

Therefore, in the tradition of Twitter Recap, I give you: Facebook Recap.



Just got back from my first Craigslist purchase. There's a certain satisfaction in not getting axed to death and thrown in a woodchipper.

February 20, 2013 at 4:51pm  ·  · 


"Magic Mike" should be in 3D.

January 13, 2013 at 3:51pm  ·  · 

Just heard my townhouse neighbors for the first time. Now referring to them as The Others.

February 13, 2013 at 4:51pm  ·  · 

It's annoying when your real life is not living up to your Pinterest life.

February 13, 2013 at 4:51pm  ·  · 


Review of "Dear John": With any other actor on the planet besides Channing Tatum, skip it. With Channing Tatum, riveting.

February 13, 2010 at 4:51pm  ·  · 

Found out this morning that my 9 y.o daughter was up til midnight, in a cardboard box, on a laptop, whitening celebrities' teeth with photo software. I will say that Daniel Radcliff looks infinitely better.

April 9, 2010 at 9:38am  ·  · 

Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 2 babymamas.

April 12, 2010 at 1:02pm  ·  · 

 I need a 'dislike" button for the fact that they replaced the "become a fan" button" with a "like" button. Also - I need a button to become a fan of everything I just said.

April 21, 2010 at 6:56pm  ·  · 

Drank a beer today for the first time since I was 15. With pizza. While bowling. WTF.

June 10, 2010 at 9:33pm  ·  · 

My review of "Inception": Um....what?

July 31, 2010 at 11:57pm  ·  · 

really? we have to have the game on in the family room AND the kitchen? It's not like it's the TrueBlood Season Finale....which starts in 3 hours, 2 minutes and 24 seconds.

September 12, 2010 at 5:58pm  ·  · 


Potato chips and wine: It's what's for dinner.

December 7, 2010 at 5:47pm  ·  · 

 I don't know which is worse: the Santa talk or the Sex talk. Both equally horrifying.

December 12, 2010 at 10:20am  ·  · 

Number of minutes spent shopping at Borders: 65
Number of items carried around: 11
Number of minutes spent in line: 15
Number of credit cards in wallet: 0
FML.

December 20, 2010 at 3:44pm  ·  · 

 Ummmm... Santa is so efficient Santa has forgotten where he hid the presents. Really, don't leave me in charge of this stuff.

December 21, 2010 at 10:51am  ·  · 

If my true love gave me the 12 Days of Christmas gifts, I'd be all: "Why all the birds?"

December 25, 2010 at 3:20pm  ·  · 

Thinkin I'm gonna live 2011 off the grid.

January 2 at 8:03pm  ·  · 

Another Great Moment in Parenting....blasted the original version of Cee lo's "F*ck You' in the kitchen last night. "Forget You" just doesn't cut it.

January 4 at 1:42pm  ·  · 



Facebook: Where the crap goes that's not long enough to make a blog post.