Saturday, May 10, 2008

On Newstands Now: the Cellulite Issue!!!!

The Cellulite Issue is here! The Cellulite Issue is here! This is the women's equivalent of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. When you're in line at the grocery store, this is not a "flip-through-and-put-back" issue. This is a "slap-it-on-the-conveyor-belt-and-don't-even-open-it-til-you-get-home-cuz-it's-gonna-be-that-good" issue. Make a cup of tea or coffee, ignore the phone, and settle in for a good, fat, dimple-fest. Look: I'm not a mean person: I don't wish these stars ill. But I do wish them imperfections. As one of my favorite plaques says, "Dear Lord, if you can't make me skinny, at least make my friends fat." That's how women think. If I can see a good, blurry close-up of dimples on Pam Anderson and Misha Bartons' butts, it's a good day. Do I feel bad that each one of them is probably hugely depressed today and popping Vicodins and TrimSpa? Yes. Who am I kidding. No. Screw you, Pam..Fatty mcFat-Fat. Big fake-boob, sex tape-makin', dimple-butt. Hah! Ha-ha-ha ha-ha. Ok, I'm done now. $3.49. I probably could have spent that on the "Angels and Real Life Miracles" in the next rack over. But this is much more uplifting. :)


Jay said...

I hear ya!

Show me a celebrity's imperfections and I feel SO much better. They're held up to us as unattainable 'you will never be this beautiful/glamorous/sexy models of perfection and it's nice to see that they have stuff to hide just like the rest of us.

I do feel a tiny bit sad that they'll be crying into their skinny lattes though. I don't want them to feel bad, I just need to know that they have bad bits.

Alice said...

Mother pus bucket - I must have picked up last weeks Enquirer at the store because all I got to see was Mischa's cellulite.

I've told my husband multiple times that it would just be cheaper if he'd get me a subscription.

Oh - and hang with me - I'm plenty fat to make you look skinny.

Sue said...

The picture of Mischa Barton HAD to have been photoshopped, don't you think? Eeeek.

(P.S. Good to meet ya)

Alice said...

Happy Mother's Day!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I SO wanted to buy this. Now I wish I would've. Especially since I'm swimsuit shopping on the net this weekend.