Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Judgement Day



It occurred to me recently, that if there really is going to be a "Judgement Day", the odds are I will be in my kitchen. Probably watching reality television while loading the dishwasher, eating cheese.

Jesus: I'm Back.

Me: HOLY-. What - now? Like, 'BACK'- back? 

Jesus: Yup.

Me: So you're all, 'today, Wednesday July 30th, is Judgement Day'?

Jesus: Why not.

Me: I don't know, it's so random...I thought there'd be, like, storms and volcanoes and stuff.

Jesus: There are no volcanoes in Pennsylvania. Anyway: "He shall come again to judge the living and the dead." , remember?

Me: Well, can you start with the dead first then come back so I can vacuum?

Jesus: No. (gets out clipboard). Let's begin. Where are your children?

Me: They're...um....(sigh). Playing video games in the basement. Crap.

Jesus: What was that?

Me: I said "crap".

Jesus: (scribbling)..interesting language...

Me: Shit!!!!!!! Ugh.

Jesus: I see you wrote a whole blog post about lying to your husband regarding your spending.

Me: Oh, that. But I got like 50 comments so it's not just me. 

Jesus: Moving on...'gluttony', check....'sloth' (looks around) obviously....

Me: Dude - This would be totally clean but I had to read some blogs. First. Then cleaning was next. Then reading scripture to the kids. Then the homeless shelter...then Blockbuster.

Jesus: Please don't call me 'Dude'. And I have some concerns regarding the 'lust'.

Me: Oh, well. That.

Jesus: Says here in my notes: "Josh Holloway. Mark Wahlberg. 'McDreamy'.'McSteamy'. Mark Ruffalo, 2 karate instructors and a 'Jonas Brother'. How old is the Jonas Brother.

Me: 19. Pretty sure.

Jesus: (sighs) I'll get back to you by the end of the day.

Me: Crap.


80 comments:

jill jill bo bill said...

LOVE IT!!! And that's comin' from the preacher's exwife, so that means a lot!!!!

Lipstick said...

What can I say? This is hysterical!

Swirl Girl said...

Hys.Ter.I.Cal.

I'm screwed.

Dorky Dad said...

See, your problem is you need to make him some food. You're in the KITCHEN, after all. So just throw in a "would you like a chicken-salad sandwich?" in there and scrutiny be gone.

{Anissa} said...

That is so funny -- where do you come up with this stuff -- Keep it coming

Wendy said...

Yup, you'd be busted. And that's without him knowing about that gangsta.

threeboys1mommy said...

We had a big earthquake today! I better start the Hoover Floormate ASAP.

The Mom said...

Peeing...i'm peeing in the presence of Jesus!

You should get a little redemption for helping BG with his underwear situation!

Alice said...

Thanks for the heads-up Sue! I was wondering about the locusts in my backyard.

I'm turning off the GameCube and tidying up right after I leave this comment.

(Awesome post!)

Deb said...

So funny. Sadly, I think crap is my favorite word.

wehave9 said...

HAHAHA! I would be terrified to find out how my interview with jesus would go...

Holy Crappers said...

Does Jesus drink?

#1

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Oh, Sue! How you do crack me up!

Tenakim said...

I'll meet you in hell- you bring the Mojitos!

Kathy said...

Jesus with a clipboard. You rock.

Brittany said...

BWHAHAHAHAHA! You are so screwed! Save me a seat!

Gettysburg Mom said...

If Jesus wanted my house to be clean, he'd arrange for us to win the lottery... Everything (including the housekeeper) would just fall in place after that. I'd (ahem) of course give generously to charities. Oh? The liquor store isn't charity? Hmm....

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Wanna be my loading buddy on the train to hell?

Becca said...

Jesus who? You mean you really exist? Is Santa Claus around? I swear he would be on my team, I leave him cookies every year.

Adriane said...

we can share a handbasket!

btw- I'm with you on the karate teacher thing. One of the ultra hot guys at my son's karate school makes me go all stupid and giggly when I have to talk to him.

Shannon said...

Dorky dad is probably right. Just serve him up some food and you're good...for a while anyway!
So funny!

Shannon said...

My first laugh of the day!!! Very funny!

Amy said...

Oh my goodness, you called Jesus DUDE....I busted out laughing. And as far as the Jonas Brother, I am burning in hell with you on that one....haha! :)

JenniBeanV said...

Oh my God! You are too funny! I hope he doesn't plan to come here next!

Sign me: Helen A. Handbasket

Katrina said...

I'm feeling like crap today, and a little cranky, so I knew that when I went out into blog land this morning, your blog would be one of the first visits, and thank goodness for that. Still feel like crap, but in a much better mood :) Thanks for all the laughs

ali said...

WINE! Offer him wine!

Chelle said...

All I can say is that you are hysterical!! How do you come up with this?! Just don't stop...please!

Neurotically Yours: said...

You are a trip! Love it!!

ali said...

Oh hell! Just the laugh I needed this morning! HYSTERICAL!

I am Boymom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mama Dawg said...

Oh, man....if that's what's gonna get you into hell...I'm a sure shot to be the first in line way before you!

Sigh.....why do I love my sins so much?

Kelly said...

FREAKING FUNNY!!
LOVE YOU!!!

*jimaie.marie* said...

bahahaha!!!! oh man oh man!! seriously, i could pee my pants right now!!

its today is it?
CRAP is right!!

Val said...

Almost afraid to leave a comment for fear of lightning strikes!

That was awesome....now do one where Aunt Jemima!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

LOL!!! Awesome!!!

(And - that whole Brett Favre thing has bothered me for years..)

Merrie said...

No no, not a chicken salad sandwich -- Fishsticks!!

Queen Goob said...

After reading this I may fall prey to "envy". Tell the Dude to take a detour; I'll be ready for him by next June.

Oh, and by the way, Mark Wahlberg is mine and I'm not sharing. Okay, you can borrow him for the weekend but I need him back safe and sound for our vacation next week - he's driving. mmmmmmm yummy.

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

Sue you are marvelously funny.
I don't know how you come up with this stuff but I love it!!

Blessings From Above said...

LOL!!!!

Okay, I missed the post about the karate instructors? What's the deal with them??? Do tell...

Lynette said...

LMAO!!! Well, I'll meet you there. I've MET McSteamy, so I totally feel your lust.

Frank said...

HILARIOUS!

Luckily I don't have to worry about this, my wife is Jewish so I will just sic her on him ;)

Lib / notmuchmore said...

LOL That was the funniest post I have read in a REALLY LONG TIME!

I am on a Comment Crusade and am so tickled to have made my way to your blog. That was terrific! And I found a new blog to read, to boot! Love it!

Ann said...

I'm sure "The Day" will come when I have a hangover.
Crap!

Monogramchick said...

I am so glad Rph Mommy sent me over here! HYSTERICAL blog, adding you to the blogroll and can't wait to read more.
I think BG needs a vacation from his crazy hos.

CarolinaGirl said...

That had to be one of the funniest things I have ever read! I love your blog! My mom sent me, and I am so glad she did!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

hahahha too funny! I just hope I have a nice cold drink with a straw so I can go out feeling fine.

Tahoe Girl said...

I just stumbled upon a your blog and I have spent the past hour laughing hysterically. I am now behind in the work I was supposed to do!

Can't wait to see more adventures of B.G.>>>

Who knew the Hamptons could be so dope?

Dawn@Embracing the Ordinary Life said...

Hey can you hold him off for awhile while I get my kids dressed and teeth brushed...huh?

Patrice said...

This made my day! You are hysterical.. I just can't help but comment and tell you how funny your posts are! I am dying laughing! This is brilliant.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Sure Jesus drinks. He made wine at a wedding...and he did it because his mom asked him to. (John 2:1-10)
The best advice is hers in verse 5: "Do whatever he tells you to!"

Scary Mommy said...

LOVE it!!! Yup, I'm totally fucked for the hereafter.

creative-type dad said...

He reads blogs?

Oh no....

lsadler said...

Love love love your blog. The pictures of the plants might be the funniest. Laughed out loud so hard.

Elle said...

You are one funny lady! Glad he went to your house and not mine.

Keeper Of All Things said...

Your to funny....really does this stuff come to you in your sleep?!!

Jonny's Mommy said...

You are so awful. You are seriously awful! Just kidding. This is hilarious *looking to Heaven, hoping I don't get struck down* I mean, I know I shouldn't laugh, considering my upbringing, but this is funn...

Ah...yeah. This is Lisa's hubby finishing this post for her.

The weirdest thing just happened. She was struck my lightening out of the blue while at her computer.

It was totally sunny outside and everything. The coroner told us he'd never seen anything like it.

mammadawg.com said...

Girl - lol - I think you and I would be in the same boat.

With Mark Wahlberg, of course.

Okay fine - you take Josh. I'll take Mark. ;)

shoofly said...

So long as you tuck them in every night, that bedtime story will last them forever.

McMommy said...

Can you have him multiply the wine before he takes you?

I'll be right over!
For the wine of course.
I'd share it with you, but sounds like you'll be...er..busy..for an eternity.

sista #2 said...

You're a gonner


peace
#2

Marie Reed said...

Holy comment love batman!60! 60! How did you manage that:) I love your new blogicon!

Melissa said...

I cannot even handle reading your blog without dying of laughter. My coworkers keep looking at me like I have two heads.

Thanks for the amusement!!!!

Mamasphere said...

I pray every morning, just in case! Then at least I can say, well, I prayed to you this morning, that's gotta count for SOMEthing.

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

I am crying- this is beyond funny!! LOve it!

mom2natnkatncj said...

Too funny.

Carol said...

Completely hilarious!

Kaza said...

Yep, sounds about right for my house as well! Glad this week wasn't the big day after all.

Rochelle said...

You are too funny. You topped your comment record with that one! Love it.

shuttle mom said...

Jesus has a sense of humor. I am sure of it. I'm a Pastor's wife and I read Jenny and Mindy's blog before worship. I had a hard time trying to get that image of the guy getting his butt and privates waxed this morning.

iMommy said...

high-larious. Seriously.

Just found you through another blogger (J'Ollie Primitives) and loving it!

Tasha said...

AH hahahahaha! Great one. I was just comparing Jesus to Oprah the other day....do you suppose either would be offended? Eh.

Jen said...

Yay, that's pretty much how it would go for me too. Minus the Jonas Brother and substitute the kid from Drake and Josh (Josh).

Stephanie M said...

This is so very similar to the conversation I would be having with HIM too :( I wonder if an extra meal in the freezer would help - that's something I could do...

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Your awesomeness was featured on BS Sunday on the Houston Chronicle Online: http://tinyurl.com/6c2w4u

Debbie said...

This = incredible. You really are hysterical.

Reluctant Housewife said...

That is totally great... I wonder why he doesn't have a personal assistant to hold his clipboard?

texasholly said...

I totally hope He gets to your house first...then mine won't be such a shock.

OMG. So funny.

Thanks so much for linking today!

texasholly said...

You are such a funny girl. I am hoping for mercy on judgment day.

jamie said...

Found you through Texas Holly and I am just so darn glad.

Subscribing to your feed stat!

Natty said...

Hi, So you see how I'm commenting on such an old post? I found your blog, and I can't tear myself away to go study, instead I keep clicking "Older Posts" all day...
Point : I love your blog
Second Point: I didn't know who Josh Holloway was so I Googled him. wow. I must have been under a rock to miss him.
So in conclusion, thank you for opening my world to Josh Hollowow