Monday, July 21, 2008

The Pee Purse

So I'm in the market for a new purse. On account of I spilled urine in mine. Don't you hate when that happens?

Come on, you're saying, you're making this up. No: this would be the freak-show that is my life.

I'm at the doctor yesterday and she needs a urine sample. So I know the drill...little wipette packet, plastic cup, lid, yada yada. 

Come out when I'm done and the nurse says to go back to the waiting room. With my pee. 

So, thinking I am the world's most brilliant non-embarrassed patient, I tuck the sample into my purse and take a seat in the waiting room.

My name is called, I follow the nurse to room #2, go to pull out my expertly-concealed sample and - ........the cup is empty.

The nurse and I simultaneously realize what has happened. She looks completely horrified like this is going into next month's medical journal. I give a "what-EVER" sigh and begin to take things out, one by one, from the Black Hole of Trash that is my purse and begin to wipe them off.

One of the things was this: a check written to me from May that has gum stuck to the back:



Let me say this:
When urine is not your biggest Purse Problem, you need to re-evaluate your life.

59 comments:

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I have a purse made out of license plates (www.littlearth.com in case you are interested). I was in Walmart and had the Mother of all Two Minute Warnings (that would be NUMBER Two...) I scurried to the ladies' room, put my metal purse on the back of the commode, and did the bidness. Not noticing that the toilet tank had a downward slope to it. I stood up and as I was zipping my pants I heard scrape-splash, which was my $60 license plate purse sliding off the back of the toilet and landing in what I had not yet flushed. Had it been a Walmart purse I would have emptied it, shoved it in the feminine product dispenser, and went right out and bought a new one. I ended up scrubbing it in the sink while I talked myself off the panic ledge under my breath. Good times.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Urine spilled on a purse--awesome reason to hit the Coach shop ;)

Mamabeeotch said...

OMG! It is a cold cruel world out there. I feel your pain.

I was once standing in the checkout line at Michael's (arts and crafts store)with my, then 3 year old. She got that sick look on her face, stated salivating heavily, and before I could stop myself, I opened my Dooney and Burke, and she puked in it! Poor thing then raised her head and said "tanks mommy". I picked her up and left my cart alone in the checkout line and went home to hose down my purse.

After that disaster, I started carrying gallon size ziplock freezer bags everywhere. Still do.. and that child is now 9.

The Mom said...

Hey there's a new pregnancy test...if the purse gets a pink stripe....congratulations!

Allikaye's Mama said...

I have found your blog..and I am HAPPY!! You are so funny and entertaining! You are a keeper...even though your purse isn't!!

Caroline said...

I think I will use that excuse to justify the purchase of a new purse...It will go like this: "Honey, I accidentally spilled pee in my purse at the Dr. today...so I have to run out and pick up that little Marc Jacobs bag I had my eye on."

Oh yeah, that works! Thanks for the tip and the laugh!

Tiffany said...

HAHA That shit is funny. Luckily I don't have a potty story...YET! LOL Well I DO have a sperm sample story and trying to get a urine sample from my son at his dr.'s office when he was 3. Who makes a kid pee in a cup? Well mine peed on my hand and all but haven't we all been peed on by our kids at one time or another?

proseandconverse said...

I hope your doctor's office got the hint- making people tote around their own peeps is just grody!

Hilarious story, though! (And the comments too! Loved them!) I was grossed out yesterday when I found a severly moldy bottle in my purse. Thanks for putting things in perspective! It could be worse! (Ha ha, or should I say "purse-spective"!)

Deanna said...

So did you wind up getting them their sample??

Philly said...

Wow and http://thekeeperofallthings.blogspot.com/ thought she had probs with a porta potty. She should of just peed in her purse !!

#1

Walking With Scissors said...

Oh, man. I am laughing so hard. Mostly in an "I'm glad it wasn't me" kind of a way. I'm sympathetic like that.

Kendrawolf said...

Too funny!! My sister had a dog crap in her purse once! Luckily she buys her purses at Walmart and Target.

Brittany said...

HAHAHA! I never actually had my OWN pee in my purse, that is hilarious!

Kathy said...

OMG, woman. So sorry, but thanks for the laugh. This is so something that would happen to me. In fact, I can't believe it hasn't happened already. Thanks for the warning.

leigh said...

since when are patients required to carry their own pee back into the waiting room?!

you need to bill the doctor's office for a new purse. then find a new doctor.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I have a complete pharmacy's worth of store brand ibprofin getting more and more crushed and stuck to everything else in my purse. I feel your pain.

McMommy said...

Screw the diaper urinal. The purse urinal is wayyyyyyyy cooler!!!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

BLECH HORK so gross!

Debbie said...

I thought you were going to say BG peed in your purse. This must be the day of gross posts. I witnessed a woman eating ear wax. No lie.

Kelly said...

oh now thats funny..I like the other commentor was going to ask if they did get the urine sample? omg, I can just imagine the look on your and the nurses face..haha
thanks for the laugh.. :)

Wendi said...

I am not sure what I am laughing harder at.
The pee purse post.
Or the amazing comments.
I am sorry for laughing.
I tried to keep a straight face.
It. didn't. work.

Wendy said...

You just need a vinyl bag, something you can hose off in the yard every year, whether it needs it or not.

Blessings From Above said...

This is just to funny! I would have loved to see the look on your faces.

This has got to be the BEST excuse ever for getting a new purse!

Keeper Of All Things said...

I did have problems with a portta potty it violated me!!!!.......I didn't know peeing in my purse was an option!!

Drowsey Monkey said...

LOL ... I needed that laugh right now. Sorry it had to be at your expense, well not really.

Urine samples are weird. Everyone sitting around with cups of their own pee. Weird.

jaime said...

wow. just. wow. thass nassssty!

talk about PEE FRIGHT! I always get pee fright when put on the spot to pee.

at least your purse didn't leak a trail to the room! *shudders*

Swirl Girl said...

I would send them a bill for the new Coach purse. What kind of Dr's office doesn't have one of those little two way door/ window things that you pass your pee cup through? You know, the Pee Speakeasy?

Ann said...

GEEZ!
Thanks for sharing this story.
This is going to be hard to forget at my next appointment

Gettysburg Mom said...

Hundreds of women (& maybe some men) will think of you the next time they have to pee in a cup. Guaranteed. Kind of creepy- eh? Thanks for the laugh!

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Oh, Sue! I think I love you now even more than before.

Although, if you ever have a purse giveaway on your blog, I think I'll pass!

sinisterdan said...

I don't consider any purchase complete until the item has urine on it.

I think you're doing this backwards.

Not Just Any Jen said...

I did something like that when I was pregnant and they made us take a sample. After that,I just stopped bringing it and always said I forgot. At least you get to get a new purse!

Jen said...

So funny yet so gross. If there is a next, use a lid.

ali said...

I WISH I was carrying my purse to the football game last year when my son got sick. He threw up all over the person in front of us--so embarrassing! Hopefully it gave the guy blog material.

mammadawg.com said...

GIRL! lol - I love the "whatever" sigh and how you just calmly started taking things out.

I just don't get how the friggin' doctor's office doesn't have the little window/cabinet installed in the bathroom, so people don't have to carry their pee cups to the room.

Hello?!

But then again, if they did, it would've deprived us of another LOL post. So let me stop bitchin' already. ;)

Lipstick said...

Oh this is so funny. I love that you didn't find the gum/check until you were taking stuff out becuase there was urine in your purse.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Another thought; I love how the bathroom at the doctor's office gives you instructions on getting a 'good' urine sample-- mainly, that you should 'start urinating, then catch your sample midstream WITHOUT the cup touching your body'.
Uh, okay. I guess the
'jam it against myself,desperately try to get things going, catch what I can, pee on my hand, put the cup on the sink, leave a pee ring that I will furtively scrub off with a papertowel' method is right out, then?

Myssie said...

OMG!! I almost peed my pants reading your post! I just found your blog recently and I am so glad that I did. Sorry about your purse

Natalie said...

i can't even imagine pee in my purse! actually what i can't really imagine is having room to shove one of those plastic cups in my purse. it is too full of other...um...important stuff. i love that the nurse was mortified though!

sista #2 said...

You are a piss!
(no pun intended)

peace
#2

Rochelle said...

omg, lmao. When I saw "pee purse" I knew it would involve a dr. office sample. Love that you can roll with such a disaster!

But now you get to shop...

jill jill bo bill said...

Okay, I read this the day you wrote it and had to leave for work before I could comment. I have a home care co and as the RN had to go to a lab to get some supplies. The tech there was explaining to this lady how to catch her son's diarrhea sample in the provided cups and to bring it back in the morning.

Suddenly pee in the purse doesn't sound so bad!!!

Love your stuff.

anti-supermom said...

Wow, note to self to NEVER put my pee cups in my bag. Seriously, I would have died with my husband killing me for the money he spent on my 'mother's day' handbag present.

GREAT story~

jujyfruit said...

That's the funniest thing I've read all week! I'm gonna be giggling about that one the rest of the day...

Carol said...

Totally unfortunate, completely hilarious!

I am Boymom said...

I read this two days ago, then again yesterday, then once more today! I laughed hysterically everytime, mostly because your reaction was so...non-reactive! I posted a link on my blog so eveyone I know can commiserate with you! I have to say, I will NEVER complain about having to wipe up pee after my boys in the bathroom again. Are you gonna cash the gummy pee check?

Megan said...

What kind of nurse sends you to the LOBBY with your URINE? Lord knows what else folks in that waiting room are packing.

Wrong. On soo many levels.

Perfect response on your part - should've whipped out your insurance card for the receptionist. :)

Jen said...

I think you should send this post to Prada or some other high end handbag designer and see if they will send you a free purse. You never know. I've heard of stranger things happening.

Mamasphere said...

At least pee is sterile! Well, so they say. I still wouldn't want to be dipping my hands in it to resuce important items like checks!

Simply Shannon said...

I was thinking that it's too bad that you didn't happen to have one of McMommy's diaper urinals in your purse at the time. That would have solved everything.

Kaza said...

Oh my lord that would SO happen to me. And I think you ought to give YOURSELF the bloggy purple heart for this post!

TONYA said...

Okay, I just about peed my pants laughing.

MoziEsmé said...

Thanks for the laughs!

Dana said...

Oh man! That stinks....literally!

BroncoMom said...

I thought that kinda crap only happened to me!
Thanks for sharing and the belly laughs that followed :)

Steph T. said...

You have had me laughing for days! Kelly from Something Funny Happened today sent me again tonight...

Guess it's time for me to blog about my PEE PHONE...now that I'm not alone!

Great post!

Maria SC said...

OMG! That is hysterical!
I just found you tonight, and I am loving your blog!

Cassoulet Cafe said...

That is sooo something that would happen to me...whatevah :)
Love your blog, I'm stayin'!

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