Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Detailing the SUV



As any Beta Mom knows, there is no walk of shame like the one up to the office of the car detailing place when your vehicle is ready. I'm prepared for it now, because inevitably I get the phone call halfway through the morning from the owner: "Yeah, this is Bernard from Auto Shine....uh.... I know I quoted you $90, but.....we've really got a lot of work to do here...I need to have another man come in for this one." I immediately blame my children (usually claiming I have 4 instead of 3) in the hopes that Bernard will view me as his partner in disgust. Bernard has no need for such comraderie and settles on an extra $40 instead. Apparently there is gum involved.

This whole car thing makes my husband mental. You could eat off the floor in his car. The only extra objects in his car besides his person are a Chapstick, an EZ Pass, and a pack of gum. Maybe a travel pack of Kleenex in cold and flu season. All neatly tucked into the center console, where they should be.   The floor of my car may not be clean enough to eat off, but you'll have plenty of snacks to choose from.  Alpha Moms behind me at the school drop off circle roll their eyes because you cannot open one of my doors without something falling out: usually an empty water bottle or a shoe. My kids, God bless 'em, chase the rolling water bottle and chuck it back in with a "love you!" because it's all they know.

"So", you want to know, "is MY minivan or SUV a Beta Vehicle?" Well let me ask you this: Do you apologize when anyone but family gets in? Do your cupholders contain something resembling congealed popsicles? Are there more coats and shoes in your vehicle than in your hall closet? Does the dog consider a ride in the car "mealtime"? Have you, at any given time, had 10 or more of the following items strewn about the car?:  Sweatshirts, soccer shoes, Goldfish crackers, water bottles, fast food wrappers, granola bar wrappers, grocery receipts, grocery lists, doctor appointment cards, dentist goodie bags, mittens, hats, hair ties, headbands, half-eaten bagels, school projects, school papers, school memos, fire safety booklets, CD's, DVD's, Nintendos, Webkinz, ipods, karate belts, ballet shoes, old fruit, juice boxes, action figures, lollipop sticks, Cheetos, Barbie shoes, Bratz feet, Bionicle pieces, Blockbuster cases, drycleaner slips or those freakishly large Bed Bath & Beyond coupons? 

(sigh). I would like to say that I intend to turn over a new leaf. I would like to say that I never used to keep my car this way before children. But if I'm honest I do recall ejecting the latest Laura Branigan tape in my '85 Mustang cassette player and flinging it behind me into the back seat, where it probably got lost among the aerobics gear and beer bottles. Chances are, if you're a Beta mom, you were a Beta girl, too.


29 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG, Sue. You had me laughing out loud! -Posted by Noon

TONYA said...

OMG I'm LMAO. That is so me and my husband to a tee. Seriously. I drive him INSANE with the disgusting pig sty that is my car and yet everytime I get into his it smells like it's just been polished from head to toe. Ugh.

Mama2hre said...

Someone else out there can identify! I thought my kids were the only ones chasing items that fall out the van door. It has come to the point that I only open the van doors enough to allow a child to pass through. It decreases the chance that anything will roll away, and prevents others from seeing the horror. Ya know, in my head I'm a very neat person. Why can't THAT be my reality!

Gettysburg Mom said...

oh- I'm laughing so hard I'm crying... I have all of the listed items in my van most days... but not the drycleaning slip- that would mean I actually got the clothes to the drycleaner....thank you for a great laugh...

Val said...

I just happened across your blog and I had to comment!

I would never take my van to the detail shop due to embarrassment! Every once in a while, it will get a good cleaning by me and that entails a good amount of time.

First I need to empty it. There have been times that I fill up the entire porch with clothes, shoes, books, toys, etc. Then I get the trashcan. Not the small little kitchen one. The big boy from the yard. I begin in the front and start dumping. Most times I just close my eyes because who knows...there could be something living in there.
Then I go to the do it yourself car wash because they are the only ones that have a powerful enough vacuum to suck up the fruit snacks off the carpet.

It's only then that I will take it to the car wash where they do the inside and out of the car just so they will think that I keep my car all clean...and I make sure I take the kids just to prove that I can handle it!

K said...

OMG it is sad that this is so hilarious to me because it is so true! I need to let my husband read this so he knows I'm not the only one who's van looks like this.

jarrard said...

I would have to agree with the others.
My husband doesn't even give the heavy sigh any longer when I pass him in the garage with his arms full of about 8 of the items on your list in that blog. He just got a new car and, like your husband, he keeps it immaculate. I drove it the other day and he was actually irritated when he called me to ask why I had taken it.
When I pulled back in the garage - he was waiting - foot tapping - inspecting it before I had the car in park. I apologized for running over his foot, but the look on his face distracted me.....I promise.

Kristi O said...

PREACH IT SISTA!!!!!! woohoo!!!!! I will gladly park right beside you in the car pool lane!

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

OMG, this is so like me, I am still LOL. My kids have to move things around to be able to put their feet down because you know I don't want them to dirty up that sweatshirt...Haha. The other day I found a size 2 diaper, she wears a size 5. You're not alone - thanks for sharing.

Heather said...

HEE! This post is so my life, down to the hubby with the pristine car. Oh, except for the part about the detailing - I've never dared take my minivan in for detailing, I'm too scared. I do periodically take it to the car wash and dump a bunch of quarters into the vacuum machine, usually enough quarters to take it down a few levels of strata...

One time, a Demonic Peach rolled free from his brethren in the bag on our way home from the U-Pick farm up the road. He managed to elude me for almost two weeks, tormenting me with an ungodly smell that grew funkier and stronger with each passing summer day. By the time he'd rotted too much to be mobile and I found him, his goo was moldy. Serious decomp. All I can say is, thank goodness for Nature's Miracle - I buy the citrus NM by the gallon. (I always tell the PetCo people we have lots of cats. We have one. Really, it's for the kid. We have one of those also.)

Love your blog! Cheers!

Sidney said...

Yes, I have all that and more...let's not forget the itty-bitty spiders and spiderwebs that attach themselves under the seats because it's been THAT long since I've cleaned out my 'burb. And lots of baseball equipment...what, baseball season was over before school let out...don't I have the rest of the summer to get it clean...or at least spray the bugs??

Holy Crappers said...

I'm the odd ball in the group, my car is clean. I'm anal that way

#1

Kelly said...

lol, this post was hilarious! I bet my new car will end up exactly like the one you describe...c'mon anyone with kids should just expect that..haha
hope you are having a fab time..kisses to BG!!

Kateasaurus said...

I have a Beta vehicle for sure.
I found a hamburger under the seat last week. It used to be a hamburger, anyway... lucky I have a kid to blame it on now.

~Steph said...

Yeah, we just got a new van, and the promises of keeping it clean are already out the window!!

More storage space = more crap I can dump in there!! Yay!

The Mom said...

Miss you!

Jen said...

Right now, I can't see out of the passenger side window on our van b/c my son has covered the whole thing in stickers. I don't know how they are going to come off.

Diesel said...

My car is a mess, but my wife's is even worse.

Rochelle said...

An oldie but a goodie! Your reruns are as sweet as a Seinfeld rerun!

Have fun in the Hamptons and can't wait to see what BG did while he was there!

Rochelle said...

And...are we married to the same man? My husband's car sounds amazingling similar to your husband's car.

Debbie said...

Oh Sue...Oh Sue..I literally have tears rolling down my face. That is so stinkin funny....I just can't stop laughing. I hope to meet you in person one day...Yup a big ole glass or two of wine, beach chairs and lots of mama stories...funny that's what I did way back when before kids and marriage...but cheerios, goldfish, and sippy cups weren't involved....

Kendrawolf said...

I am most definately Beta! The only time my car is clean is when I get a new one. It doesn't stay that way long!

M said...

Glad you re-ran that because I could've written that post myself! Especially the part about throwing the water bottle back in.

It drives my husband CRAZY. Last time he decided to clean it out, he had 3 50 gallon trash bags sitting next to the Durango so he could show me how much crap he got out of there.

You are hilarious, hope the vacay is going well :)

Anonymous said...

My SUV is a beta vehicle sans the food in the back seat. I don't like my kids eating back there...

Oh- and the other thing that makes it a beta vehicle is the driver's seat is 1/2 coffee stained (the other half is my jeans) from the zillions of times my cup runneth over. - Hence, the no eating in the car rule for the kids.

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

Deanna said...

My husband doesn't even trust me! He just cleans out my van to avoid the frustation!

jenn said...

All I can say is, it's easy for the hubs to keep their cars a shrine when we do 99.9% of the kid chauferring.

As I told my husband yesterday, Why would I ever empty out the van door pocket I use as a trash can when I know you'll eventually do it for me? (and curse so charmingly whilst doing it?)

jaime said...

OH this is my best friend too a tee!

my husband is just as bad...you'd think he lived outta his car. Clothes, basketball, newspapers, work papers, coffee cups, snack wrappers, taco bell wrappers, receipts, you name it. It drives me nuts cuz he is ONE MAN. it's not from me or my son!

great post, hope you're partying it up still!

Z's Mom said...

OMG.....its like you had just looked into my car when you wrote this post!!!!

Liz said...

Ok, I'm not entirely sure what the "beta" part means in 'beta girl', but yep...I definately am one according to the definition! And I love your blog!