It occurred to me recently, that if there really is going to be a "Judgement Day", the odds are I will be in my kitchen. Probably watching reality television while loading the dishwasher, eating cheese.
Jesus: I'm Back.
Me: HOLY-. What - now? Like, 'BACK'- back?
Me: So you're all, 'today, Wednesday July 30th, is Judgement Day'?
Jesus: Why not.
Me: I don't know, it's so random...I thought there'd be, like, storms and volcanoes and stuff.
Jesus: There are no volcanoes in Pennsylvania. Anyway: "He shall come again to judge the living and the dead." , remember?
Me: Well, can you start with the dead first then come back so I can vacuum?
Jesus: No. (gets out clipboard). Let's begin. Where are your children?
Me: They're...um....(sigh). Playing video games in the basement. Crap.
Jesus: What was that?
Me: I said "crap".
Jesus: (scribbling)..interesting language...
Me: Shit!!!!!!! Ugh.
Jesus: I see you wrote a whole blog post about lying to your husband regarding your spending.
Me: Oh, that. But I got like 50 comments so it's not just me.
Jesus: Moving on...'gluttony', check....'sloth' (looks around) obviously....
Me: Dude - This would be totally clean but I had to read some blogs. First. Then cleaning was next. Then reading scripture to the kids. Then the homeless shelter...then Blockbuster.
Jesus: Please don't call me 'Dude'. And I have some concerns regarding the 'lust'.
Me: Oh, well. That.
Jesus: Says here in my notes: "Josh Holloway. Mark Wahlberg. 'McDreamy'.'McSteamy'. Mark Ruffalo, 2 karate instructors and a 'Jonas Brother'. How old is the Jonas Brother.
Me: 19. Pretty sure.
Jesus: (sighs) I'll get back to you by the end of the day.