Friday, December 5, 2008

Letter to Joe Jonas








Dear Joe,

   I don't know how else to say this, so I'm just going to say it.

There's somebody else.





His name is Edward Cullen. 




He's a vampire.











So even though he's 17 in the movie, he's really 108, which is really more age-appropriate for me.

I still think you're totally cute, but I just noticed you're not that good a singer, no offense. And how come you only play the tambourine? That's kind of lame.

I know what you're thinking: I've got Obsesssive Cullen Disorder, blah blah blah.

This weekend will only be the third time I've seen the movie, and everyone on TwilightMoms.com says that's about average.


Coincidentally, Edward's a virgin too, but only because he might kill someone by accident....you're just....Well, I don't know what you're problem is, actually. 

So please don't text me - I just need some space - I'm going to Kinkos now to make a Flat Edward copy my tax returns.

xoxo Sue

53 comments:

Kathy said...

Thanks for the heads up about your blog post! Too funny!

McMommy said...

Sweet. I love that you broke up with Joe Jonas on a blog. Taylor Swift must be jumping up and down about this after how he broke up with her.

Joe Jonas/Taylor Swift...Why do I even know this useless information....

Gettysburg Mom said...

I'm running out of ways to tell you you're funny! Thanks for another snorting, gulping laugh!

Quirkyloon said...

I think you did a great job in letting Joe down...gently.

I'm only interested in Edward for his money. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Funny, funny post!

Smoochies said...

Will you send me one of those flat Edwards so I can prop him up in my bedroom?

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm SO glad you ended things with Joe. I saw him and his brothers performing on the halftime show at the Dallas game on Thanksgiving. Yikes. Someone needs to send their manager a text and tell him "Live J Bros...Not Ok." I haven't heard that much screeching since I stepped on my cat's tail.

Edward is a much better choice. He's all broody and mysterious and could totally rip you apart if he wanted to...which is pretty hot, if you think about it.

Rachel said...

This is too cute!

ciara said...

at least you know you'll get hot bed-breaking, back scratching sex w edward once he succumbs.

and hey, what about jacob? maybe you need a flat board of him, too, for your dream team.

also, why don't you have the twilight background you can find here?
http://www.thecutestblogontheblock.com/background.php?id=380

did you see the blinky on my blog? it says my heart belongs to my husband, but my neck belongs to edward. yeah, you can get that there, too. it's o.k. i'll let ya.

Threeboys1mommy said...

... and did you see him try to dance on Ellen? DORK!! I wanted to tell you, but I knew you'd figure it out someday.

Wendy said...

I'm glad you have moved over to the better man, I mean vampire! BUT, I haven't said I would share Edward?!?! ;)

Swirl Girl said...

At least Mr. Cullen is old enough to get into a bar. He is 108 afterall.

Wayne John said...

Ah, love sweet sweaty love. Ain't it beautiful?

I think I'm going to break up with Taylor Swift too...

Where is Santa Claus right now?

SuburbanGypsy said...

Joe, thems the breaks kid!

Totally diggin the "Dear Joe" bloggy letter.

Owens Family Adventures said...

hahahahahahahaha!!! I had to break up with Shai LaBeouf the other day as Edward has totally stolen my affections. I am not going to say how many times I have seen the movie....I may need someone to give me an intervention. Just saying. heehee
dawn

The Mom said...

yeah...i'm over him too, now let's get back to that conversation about Josh Holloway ..

tardevil said...

Thanks for letting us know you've moved on...bout time :O)! You're hilarious!

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I thought I heard someone screaming 'why Sue why!' today--did I mention the boys live near us?!

Dawn said...

LOL!!

I don't blame you though.

I so want a flat Edward now.

Allison said...

Wow. Poor Joe. Has a lot of public break ups. I like your new choice muuuuuuuch better because I'm pretty sure he at least has pubes.

Blessings From Above said...

I'm kind of torn myself. It may just be a tambourine, but Joe sure does know how to SHAKE that tambourine. Edward on the other hand is just so dreamy. Swoon.

Jen said...

It's funny. It is like you transferred your lust over to me. I mean, of course Edward Cullen wins hands down when it comes to being the sexiest guy ever to exist, but I can't help but be a slightly turned on by that damn Jonas ever since you brought up how damn cute he was. Damn it!

Brooke said...

Oh man. Not you, too. I really can't understand why so many grown women are so obsessed with this whole Twilight thing.

Of course, I really can't talk. I'm still trying to get over my 20+ year obsession with Rutger Hauer (aka Ladyhawke man). :-)

Tiffany said...

I KNEW you were after my man. I just knew it. I am co-author of a blog devoted solely to Robert Pattinson. It's http://rpattinsonobsession.blogspot.com/

We like to put pictures of him on there. LOL

Now back away from my man. SLOWLY.

jaime said...

hey I think you may have beat the record setting 27 sec breakup via text! LOL!!

i am, and always was WAAAAY before the recent "Sexiest Man Alive" title....a Hugh Jackman lover.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

LOL....

Hey whilst you're out, can you make me a copy of Jasper? I've totally got the hots for Jasper.

Your Dear Joe letter was awesome, and something tells me he understands. I think since the release of Twilight, he's been getting his fair share of Dear Joe letters. *lol*

Jenni Jiggety said...

Just so you know...you can BUY a Flat Edward an amazon.com (not that I have it on my wish list or anything).

I luv Edward 4-eva!

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

But you're still counting down to when Joe turns 21... Perhaps you can change that to count up the number of days from now on that Joe will be without Happy Hour Sue!!!

Mrs. S. said...

Funny!

nikkicrumpet said...

FUNNY stuff!

mommypie said...

So, just started book four and

O.M.G.

is it hot in here?!?

Deb said...

It's one of those "it's not me, its you letters." Funny.

sassy stephanie said...

I dunno. You may want to think on this one. Joe doesn't seem to run around as much as Edward. That man slut is all over the damn place. *cough cough* No, that was not him you saw sneaking out of my window this morning.

Anonymous said...

You have ROGERS advertising on your Blog???!!!

Waiting for your Blog on David Spade...gives us losers hope when he ends up with all the hot chicks!

He was even "Friends" with Heather!

Leslie said...

Poor Flat Joe....can I have him now???? But tell him to leave his tambourine at your house....not hot.

Loveable Loser said...

Interesting Breakup.

Forget the Spade commentary..I want your take on the Russell Brand remake of Arthur

Anonymous said...

Sweeet. More Joe For ME!

deconstructing jen said...

I wondered when this was going to happen. I'm more than a little jealous that you've seen the movie 3 times...I've only been able to see it once. Oh Robert, I mean Edward, how I love thee...

Terri said...

yeah, you still have that counter up. I guess you still need that one contact with Joe, just in case Edward stands up up at Prom.

I like how you think.

mammadawg.com said...

What about when the Edward doll comes out... what will happen to the Bathtub Gangsta??? ;)

georgie said...

I got 'Edward-Itis' too

michelle said...

{sigh...} Flat Edward.... Cold, hard and Sparkly. He dazzles me. Gotta get me one of them flat Edwards, too.

Natalie said...

having just arrived in the states i had no idea what or who twilight or edward cullen was/is. i think i had heard mention of it/him on the internet, but people in my real world weren't talking about it. that has changed! i feel so left out of the frenzy. i need to figure all this out!

little wash wash said...

Oh my gosh!!! I have just read Twilight (in one day...could not put it down) and I now see what all the hype is all about. Edward is my new boyfriend also. Can we share? hahah!

Wendi said...

I can always count on you to make me laugh.
You did it again!
Love this letter.
I am glad you moved on.
Have fun with flat Edward!

Caroline said...

Edward is totally hot! I would so turn into an vampiress so I could live with him forever...

Savannah said...

when will you post about BG again?! I'm having withdrawals!

Anna Lefler said...

At least your flat Edward will be two-dimensional...which puts him way ahead of most of the fellas I dated back in the day...

I think I'm the last woman (oops) mom (oops) ok, FEMALE who hasn't read the books!

:^) Anna

Ali said...

Oh yes. Edward. Now this I can understand:)

Kimberly said...

Have you read book 4 yet? Oh girlfriend, just wait.

If there is not a book 5, I'm going to have to kill myself.

New Moon was my favorite though.

Leslie said...

That's freaking fantastic. Your going to make a flat Edward. I'm dying here. I love it. Can you make one for me? ;)

Julie said...

I'm hoping for a 3rd time, just haven't made it yet. Best wishes to you and Edward

PLO said...

I just peed in my pants. I am glad I am not the only immature Mom in the blogosphere. I just thought you might like to know that Edward and I have been dating exclusively. He is no longer a virgin. Sorry for any inconvience this has caused you.

dasha said...

hello,my name is
dasha.i am 11years old and i leave in malaysia i wanted to write that i got all the songs and movies at my disk my best friend is yore bigest fan,and its so funny when she is asking youre autoghref in her dreams and she almost remember all youre songs,in our sience lab she she ensted of teaching she is sings a song,but she is always telling to be sombadis fan and i always repeat the same that i like every body of singers and actrisses.