Sunday, November 9, 2008

The Mature Man

For anyone who hasn't heard the news, Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends have broken up. I know, I know..I really thought those four would make it.


Anyway, I love how the "Girls Next Door" used to extoll the virtues of the "mature older man" and now they're hooking up with pro football players and Criss Angel. (just a heads up, Holly: anyone who calls himself 'MindFreak' may not be relationship material).

I know I had a point.

Oh yeah: Men don't "mature". Perhaps my research is flawed in that I can only really claim a control group of (1) subject but let me just show you exhibit A:




these are my husband's slippers.

Because he's from the South, he calls them his "house shoes".

Husband: I saw your friend Lisa at the grocery store, but I knew you wouldn't want me to say hello, because I had my house shoes on."
Me: Thank you.


Favorite movies scenes fall into two categories: Farting and Sex. Farting during sex is a huge plus.

Let me ask you this, ladies: When you and your husband start a movie at home and the "ratings" come up that say "N" for Nudity, does your husband:

A) Say "all the kids are in bed, right?"
B) Make sure he has the remote in case a child walks in or
C) Jump up off the couch and shout "YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And finally there's the innuendo-speak. Which gets exponentially more ridiculous the longer you've been married.

Me: Hello?
Husband: Hey Baby, what's for dinner?
Me: Lasagna.
Husband: I'll give you lasagna.....
Me: OK that doesn't even make sense.
Husband: I'll give you sense.....

and so on.


I love you, honey...but understanding your Man-Brain?
It's really hard.

I know: "That's what she said."

75 comments:

Swirl Girl said...

You should give this to your husband for christmas!

http://www.bullz-eye.com/books/2008/brocabulary.htm

I read the review in the LA Times today and laughed my ass off.

It's called Brocabulary..how to talk like a guy.

Candice said...

Mine would say

"I've got your lasagna right HERE baby!"

Frogs in my formula said...

The innuendo-speak does get more ridiculous the longer you've been married. Whenever I try it, I get "Are you serious?" Wow, that's so hot. Hugh kinda makes me sad lately. He needs to hang it up (yeh, I mean that IT).

Dorsey said...

Oh yeah! We're all about the innuendos around here too! hehehe

I cringe when he says..."Wanna go take a nap"...Aw hell.."NO *ucker, I WANT to SLEEP!!"

HAHAHAHAHA!

Keely said...

LOL! At least he doesn't go to the grocery store in his left-over-from-high-school, still-holding-together-by-a-few-molecules, "but-it's-sentimental" underwear, right?

Right?

And our innuendo started OUT pretty sad. Can't wait to see it in another 5 years.

Southern Fried Girl said...

Are we married to the same man?

Wendy said...

Hef and the 3 chicks didn't make it?! Next, you'll tell me Miss Piggy dumped Kermit, too.

Wendy @ Ruen's on the Run said...

Still laughing...sounds like you were talking about my husband...too funny!

Queen over all drama said...

I will miss The Girls Next Door...I was pulling for them too....
I hear Hef has twins as his new girlfriends....They are like 19..WTH???

The Mom said...

Despite the congestion building in my sinuses this make me laugh out loud! My hubby also says stuff like "I'll give ya...(enter nonsensical word here)" They'd get along so well.

Leslie said...

He sounds just like my fiance.....and we've only been together 3 1/2 years....I'm doomed, aren't I??? If my fiance sees those Simpson's "house shoes" on your website, he's going to want some! Lord, help me!

Paige said...

That is so life at my house. Except I bet you do not have a pair of knitted tits on the headboard of your bed, complete with nipples, do you?

Not everyone is as lucky as me.

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL...men are so simple to understand...because they are so simple minded. Thanks for the LAUGHS...and does he really wear those "house shoes" out in public???

jill jill bo bill said...

I am rolling. We are married to the same man. Different House Shoes.

Jennifer said...

OMG--he wore those to the grocery store!?!

And yes, we get the same enthusiasm for N for nudity around here too!

Mr Lady said...

I call them house shoes, too. And your husband is 5. And I'm okay with that. :)

Annie said...

I love that show, but could not love me some 8- year old man. Ick!

I bet he really has a hay day when you make canoli!

Dal, Hel & Bel said...

That made me laugh out loud.... just because I had that conversation last night AND was blessed with a nudity YESS!

TUTU Monkey said...

You crack me ...thanks for the laugh!!

Threeboys1mommy said...

Those slippers always trigger my gag reflex! ALWAYS!

Jay @halftime lessons said...

Wow...farting during sex?

I dont care who you are...that's a gift.

Anatomically speaking, your husband should be honored.

;-)

J

Liz said...

LOL! I'm loving this post. Sooooo like every man in the world!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I feel your pain. My husband spent the WHOLE WEEKEND watching cartoons. Most of the time there wasn't even kids here.

Carrie said...

(here via Mcmommy chronicles). Your post made me giggle. First of all, my hubby has the same slippers except his are so worn out that it looks like Homer is foaming at the mouth (due to the stuffing coming out). Second of all, he says, "That's what she said" ALL THE TIME! It doesn't even make any sense! Men, gotta love 'em.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

Slippers are what Cinderlla wore in the castle. And, and, and, does he insist on cruising errands in your suburban neighborhood in his 'luxury sedan' in a torn and bleached out shirt from his intramural football days that says "Low Budget".

Mandy said...

Love the house shoes. House shoes instead of slippers, supper instead of lunch, etc. I get so confused when my husband's family gets together! And I have lived here in the South for 20 years!!

I think all men are on the same wave length when it comes to hanky panky. :)

Brittany said...

So I am the only one still upset that Holly and Hef broke up!? She was his #1 girl!

Lynette said...

I would be the pot to his kettle to talk about his house shoes. Me? Wearing happy bunny slippers that say "all about me". My husband? Embarrassed to be seen out in public with me and those. LOL.

That Crazy Mom said...

Oh em gee, I haven't heard "house shoes" in forever. I've been in the Midwest too long. I went from housecoat, pocketbook and Coke to robe, purse, and pop, buggies and sacks to shopping carts and bags.

Anyway, I've been happily single for the past 14 years (your post is a good example of why I add that "happily" part) but I've dated enough to know that you forgot one category:

Farting, sex, and blowing sh!t up.

Dawn said...

Oh, I'm certain I've heard "I'll give you lasagna" numerous times!

When ANYONE says they are hungry is first comment is "Want a trout dog?" *eyeroll* LOL

This was hilarious!!

We call them house shoes here too!

It's hilarious that your husband actually wore THOSE out in public! LOL

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

Besides the slippers our husbands could be twins. Srsly.

Deb said...

You know what, if my husband would give me some real lasagna, I might just put out.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

I can't decide what's worse... the 90 year old dating the 19-year-olds... or the 19-year-olds dating the 90 year old.

Really? Do you want to go through life being known for that????

Heinous said...

He wears those in public? Wow, that's kinda horrifying. If he remarks on the lasagna again, just remind him it's made from soft, floppy noodles.

AJ said...

What's even worse is when you're making anything with 'pulled pork' or 'sausage.' OMG, do the inuendos ever fly then:)

Allison said...

Mine says: Boooooooooobies! Yessssssssssss.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

ROFL because it is SO EFFING TRUE!!! My husband won't even watch a movie unless it is rated R with nudity in it and I'm all like "would you please act your age and not your shoe size?"

Also farting is such a big part of my life since I got married, I can't even believe it. And the innuendo? NON STOP.

I think we married the same guy...

so that's why he's always missing for days at a time--DOH!

Tell our hubby I said hi.

Jen said...

I don't get is either and I am starting to think that I should not try.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Men can't speak sexual innuendos. My hub once told me he'd "wamp my rat." I wish I were kidding.

Gettysburg Mom said...

Perhaps the human genome project will finally solve the mystery of where on the Y chromosome bad innuendo is located.

Linda S said...

do you wear Marge slippers? 'cause that'd be too cute...

jaime said...

I am addicted to E! tv so i've heard about 800 times about the girls and Heff...however haven't heard anything about the 3rd one, i didn't think he broke up w/ her! and i saw his new twins that are like 18- ewwwwww.

as far as the man brain thing goes...men are a men. nothin you saw about them will surprise me! lol

The Happy Mom said...

I know what you mean, I was shocked to hear the fabulous foursome was breaking up. Is nothing sacred anymore?!

Love the sexy houseslippers! You had me at "doh!" :)

MammaDucky said...

First I laughed at this post. Then I curled up into a ball and cried like a baby. Apparently there is no hope for my husband as this behavior is "normal." Crap.

Ramblin' Red said...

OMGoodness - can't believe he wears those IN PUBLIC!!!!

LOL at the N for nudity questionnaire....

And the innuendo - no kidding! My hubs and I've been together for 13 years and it just gets to be so ansinine!

:sigh:

Sarah said...

LMAO!!!!

Tiffany said...

LOL Tell your hubby not to embarrass us southerners anymore. Oh who am I kidding? My state is known for fucking Britney Spears. How much worse can it be?

Shannon said...

Oh yeah...11 years and couting, so I'm with you. Inuendo talk is SOO my husband. And don't forget the "movements" that go with said inuendo. You know, the air hump, the eyebrows and the spastic hands...

Susan in the Psych Ward said...

My thoughts EXACTLY!!!

Are we married to the same man????

Jenni Jiggety said...

Are our husbands related????

Lacey in the Sky said...

I'll give you lasagna, I'll give you sense! LOL... I LOVE THAT!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

They're all the same, I swear.
I kinda like Criss Angel though....

kel said...

Love it! We use the "thats what she said" thing way too much in our house. I am worried that my kid is gonna start saying it...she won't get it, but she'll say it.

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

*sigh* they really are the same, arent't they? The only thing different about them, they just come in different colors...that's about it.

Shelley said...

Last night, my daughter was asking us the name of the "hammer time" song, so she could look it up on You Tube. We told her it was actually called "U Can't Touch This."

Ok, back when this song was popular (damn, I've been married a long time), did anyone else's husband have a habit of singing along to the song, except pointing to his crotch and changing the words to "You can touch this!" Boy, that just never got old for him.

Just me?

BacktoBarnwell said...

House Shoes are hilarious! Then I started thinking of a name for your husband. Then I thought, what if Happy Hour Sue's husband kept a blog, because I'm sure it's pretty interesting in your household. I can imagine, your husband sitting watching football-you creeping down the stairs with a life-size poster of Joe Jonas that you spent your day making and you're all like, "I made it for the kids." Anyway. Too bad ya'll aren't Jewish, because he could start a blog called Happy Hour Jew. But, I guess he's just your Happy Hour boo.

Miss Yvonne said...

Wow, it's like we are living the same marriage. LOL

Only I also have a 16 year old son, so I get to hear "That's what she said" about every 5 minutes between him and my husband. And then they laugh together, like Beavis and Butthead.

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

My husband totally does the "I'll give you a/some ..." it is lame everytime but everytime he thinks he is so clever.

Lorelai said...

I think your married to my ex husband! I'm still laughing that your husband actually goes to the store in his house shoes! hahaha

I must say that thank God this time around the worse I've seen him wear is these old suede shoes from the 80's and he really tries to only use his innuendo-speak when it would make sense...say when I ask for the hammer, not lasagna. lolol

sista #2 said...

A favorite one said by Big F at this house is....."while your down there"


peace
32

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! Isn't that the truth????

Eudea-Mamia said...

Those things kind of give me the creeps - so you shove your foot into Homer's mouth?

Ewww.

And I'm never going to look at lasagna the same way again, well really, I don't believe I will look at any lasagna again. Ever.

Em

Lisa-licious said...

OK, I was in the produce section at the grocery store, and I was looking down checking out some nice ripe melons, and WHOA! Out of the corner of my eye, I saw these Homer Simpson slippers. Looking up to see who over the age of 5 could possibly wear those in public, I caught site of your hubby! And he didn't even say "hi"...just sort of scurried away! What's up with that?!

Wayne John said...

I heard that same line just last night....

I think you're right...

georgie said...

I am a lil late here on the responses...but I feel for all the newly weds out there...because yes homer simpson slippers are part of the deal...and dont think for one second you didnt agree to it in your wedding vows...because YA DID!

Sue you are dead on as usual and i think our hubbys may be brothers...

creative-type dad said...

And here I thought Hef was going to settle down this time.

Maybe they needed more Lasagna?

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Men!

If you think American-man speak is bad, you've never heard a Brit and his innuendo speak. Oiy!

On the rare occasions I make Bangers and Mash...well you can probably imagine the rest.

anti-supermom said...

Yep husband like to refer to sex as a little Daddy time so he can say it in front of the kiddos.

Come on, seriously.

Love the house shoes!

Rachel said...

it would be answer C in my house! you gotta love them anyway. love the house shoes though...too funny!

Jarrard said...

PRICELESS!
Conversation today:
Me: Hello
Him: Hey, what's for dinner?
Me: Chicken spaghetti
Him: I'll put a chicken in your spaghetti
Me: It is amazing that you were single until your 30s. "click"

LuckyMe said...

that's what she said!

Bar-b said...

I think I am the guy in our relationship....double entendre queen here.

funny post though. Hefner cracks me the eff up though. They looked so happy....

Betsey Booms said...

I innuendo speak hit waaaaay too close to home.

Raging Dad said...

Hey, I totally have the same "house shoes" as your husband!

Abby Johns said...

"Me: Hello?
Husband: Hey Baby, what's for dinner?
Me: Lasagna.
Husband: I'll give you lasagna.....
Me: OK that doesn't even make sense.
Husband: I'll give you sense....."

Oh.my.gosh.

This made me laugh so hard my eyes expelled actual tears. Hil.ar.ious!