Thursday, November 20, 2008

News I Don't Understand

Listen. The above title is pretty wide-reaching. But specifically, I need answers to this whole Somali pirates deal.

(Cliff notes: Somali pirates are taking over oil supertankers like nobody's business out at sea.)

First off, I'm not gonna lie. I was a little disappointed that the pirates didn't look like this:
Arrrr. Yo-ho-ho.


But my bigger question is this:

OK, so here's the Somali pirates:


and here's the Supertanker:












 So as far as I can surmise, it went down like this:

Tanker Captain (looking down into water)
Hey! What are you doing?

Pirate: We're hijacking your ship!

Captain: Seriously? How many of you are there?

Pirate: (looks around dinghy) ...Four.

Captain: FOUR? 

Pirate: We had five, but Tswahibi fell overboard.

Captain: Oh. What are your demands?

Pirate: 10 Million dollars and some shoes.

Captain: Why should I let you up?

Pirate: We have guns. And bandanas. And Olujimi has a really big stick.

Captain: (sighs) OK. Hold on, let me get the rope ladder.

***********************************************


In local news, the guard poodle got a haircut.

True story: the first time she ever got groomed, they brought her out when she was done and I said:




"That's not my dog."

71 comments:

BacktoBarnwell said...

I think it went something more like this...

OPEC Members around long table on top floor of Dubai Sky Scraper:

Saudi Arabia: Damn Americans! Their economy is blowing some serious ass right now.

Iran: Yeah, with a decrease in traveling, we have surplus amounts of oil that will just be sitting and the cost of oil per barrel has plummeted.

Libya: We have some Somali friends that may be able to help us out with this one.

Nigeria: So do we.

Ecuador: So let us get this straight. Have "pirates" attack our own ships?

Algeria: Hell to the Yeah! With the strait unsafe to pass and longer trips around Africa, we can jack the price of fuel back up.

Kuwait: What if a mistake is made, and we have an oil spill on our hands, along our coasts???

Iraq: Oh, the Americans will clean it up, of course!

UAE: Verry Niiice. We'll provide the guns.

Candice said...

Guard dog- Thanks a fing lot for the hair cut... Just assume I will be chewing your leg off when you sleep.

jaime said...

i feel the same way about them pirates. i just don't get it.


and


i said the same thing about my son when he got his first real haircut.

Mama2hre said...

Agree with your disappointment with the pirates appearance. They've really been letting themselves go! Captain Morgan, Captain Jack Sparrow now theres a coupla pirates for ya! A must agree with BacktoBarnwell too. It's gotta be a gimmick! Guard dog is looking too handsome!

Tenakim said...

The first time (within the last few weeks)that I heard them talking about "pirates" on the NEWS- I kept waiting for the punchline!

It makes me think of the Wife Swap when there was a family that lived like pirates- I thought it was just dumb and they were being silly. And the guy who thinks he's a pirate in the movie Dodgeball- I didn't know there was such a thing anymore- I am so confused, too.

Dogs- that's funny- mine always looks a bit goofy and unrecognizable after the groomer, too.

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

That's what happens when we take Lizzard the Terrorist to the groomers. Not only does she looks weird, but she smells good too so it throws me off.

Gracie said...

This is great - I just blogged about this too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very Twilight Zone Style!
Here's my post: http://www.graciefabulous.com/2008/11/im-soooo-becoming-pirate-arghhhhhhhhh.html

I was disappointed in their looks as well, sure not Johny Depp!

Mrs. Newlywed said...

I just spit my gum out because I was laughing so hard.

Betsey Booms said...

I said the same thing about my yorkiepoo the first time. Doggie is too cute.

And true dat on the Somali Pirates. Not at all romantic, is it?

ashley said...

I've heard rocket launchers were involved. Apparently...

Marla said...

i think it is a way to distract us from the shitty DOW news :)

Rebecca said...

WHAT??? Pirates don't look like Johnny Depp! UGH!
I never really realized Pirates were still real!
The boat comparison cracked me up!

Jen said...

I really should watch the new b/c I have no idea what you are talking about. But then again, I kinda like living in my own little bubble.

Heinous said...

You could rent out the poodle. That should keep the pirates away.

Threeboys1mommy said...

Captain Morgan,Yummy! Olujimi, not so much.

Rachel said...

Wow what a big difference in your doggie?

And the pirate reinactment...priceless!

Katy McCay said...

Hilarious conversation about the pirates! I don't get it either.

The guard poodle looks a little sad, and cold. Does he have a sweater or something?

Eudea-Mamia said...

I think BacktoBarnwell is totally onto something. Really.

Does that make me savvy or paranoid?

Em

Tiffany said...

Aww now puppy can SEE to guard the house. LOL She's so cute!

And they need to put a few rednecks with shotguns on those tankers. WE could take on a measly pirate easily! I mean I could throw some shoes overboard and they'd dive in like Michael Phelps.

Allison said...

Were you channeling your inner Angleina Jolie when you said, "That's not my dog. I want MY dog back!"

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

All I can say is with the economy this bad, I'm thinking of putting my family on a row boat with some sling shots and rocks and becoming the pirate family--WE WIILL RULE THE WORLD ;)

Lynette said...

Yeah. Or like Captain Jack Sparrow. I think we got cheated.

supermommy said...

OK, that was seriously FUNNY! I kind of had the same scenario going in my head.

Vanessa Rogers said...

It does look like a completely different dog!!

Anonymous said...

Billy: "Captain Jack, You ever been wrecked at Sea?"

Captain Jack: "No Billy, but I have been blown ashore many a time!"


How long was it before your "Guard Poodle" would go outside...did her friends stop calling?

BacktoBarnwell nailed it.

Swirl Girl said...

What the hell were those pirates gonna do with all that crude oil anyway...

they can't eat it, can't refine it, can't kill other Somalian's with it -

what the 'f' has our stupid world come to?

Heather said...

At least you don't do the frou-frou, "poodle" cut for your Guard Poodle. My mom *always* has her standard poodles cut with the stupid tail and ankle pom-poms, as well as the big, poufy head and ears. Well, the big head and ear bit may just be because my parents live in NJ, and you know, a Jersey Girl's gotta represent with the large hair, even if she is of the poodle persuasion...

And the pirate reenactment: hee!

Evolving Mommy Catherine said...

I am with BacktoBarnwell.

Shannon said...

I so needed a laugh today... thanks!

MammaDucky said...

Wait, you mean those were REAL news reports? Dude, totally thought it was some promos for a new Pirates of the Carribean movie. THAT'S embarassing.

Side note: I wonder if these Somali pirates participate in "Talk like a pirate day?" I should look into that.

The Happy Mom said...

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has taken a before and after pictures of their dog on her grooming day. Did your dog come home doused in "dog perfume", too? I don't know why our groomer thinks that poodles like wearing Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds.

Tracy said...

If a scrappy quartet of ragtag pirates can take over an oil tanker who knows what we can accomplish? I am going to choose to ignore the criminal aspects of this story and let it inspire me to follow my bliss.

McMommy said...

Shiver me timbers that was a damn funny post!!!

Also, I'm not a huge lover of dogs....but GuardPoodle might change my mind.

Leslie said...

Poor guard dog! He looks like a wet rat! At least now he can see when the robbers are coming!!!

Kimberly said...

Awe... she is so cute both ways, but I kinda like the shaggy look on her :)

and what IS up with those pirates?

WHAT THE HELL

meanwhile gas is like nineteen cents a gallon here, so obviously it isn't disrupting deflation

Deb said...

I think your dog would look awesome in one of your blog t shirts.

So would the pirates. What the hell is up with that?

Lee the MWOB Queen said...

I love it when brains can connect topics like pirates and poodle-grooming together and it all seems to make sense.

Missouri Musings said...

Is that an RPG I see in one of the somali's hands? My only guess is that the tanker folks are thinking "gee, grenade + oil tanker = big bonfire at sea...let 'em up!" But if they're going to be killed anyway, I'd like to see them play a little defense. C'mon team Tanker, you're higher up, get some guns and use physics to your advantage!

Steph said...

that happened to our poodle the first time we took him to the groomer! after we all stopped laughing hysterically..we started calling him FiFi

QuirkyLoon said...

A pirate's life for me!

I hope they don't find out you blogged about them...

Thank goodness your cute little guard dog can now see and bark

If necessary.

tee hee

Shauna said...

Dont know if the Chorkie's shed or not - I have terrible allergies too and have been good over the past 20 hours that she has been in my house! We will know soon enough!

Smart A$$ Mom said...

wait a minute....Perezhilton hasn't said a single thing about Pirates!!

Mrs. S. said...

Haha! That was hilarious!!!

Merrie said...

Doesn't a dog haircut make all the difference in the world? We used to get our spaniel shaved, and it really was like greeting a whole new dog. Your poodle is probably glad he can see again.

As for the pirates -- wth?

Minxy Mimi said...

I would have prefered a more Jack Sparrow type of Pirate... I would jhave let that pirate into my baot ASAP!!! LOL

Paige said...

Is that dog still talking to you?

sassy stephanie said...

Maybe it's like getting your diamond ring cleaned. They swap 'em out when you are not looking.

Mrs de Miranda said...

hahahahaha too funny!!!
I also dont get the pirate thing!

and the last time i took the pooch to the groomer (she's a shih tzu) she came back looking like a chihuahua. I think i got jipped.

derfina said...

The Innocent Bystander works in Nigeria and they have village/tribal 'representatives' that come to the boats over there with canoes like that with machine guns and demand OIL. They just fill the canoe up until it can't hold any more and row off with it. No barrels or anything mind you-they just fill the boat up with it and sit in it as they row off.

Brittany said...

Gar. I pretty much have no respect for any pirates that don't look like Captain Morgan.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

You trip me out! My kids were excited that they were talking about pirates on the news.

Kirsten said...

I agree with Back to Barnwell. There is something going on.

They would never let a boat the size of a dingy with a few "pirates" highjack their ship or anything else.

Kristi O said...

i just had this conversation about the pirates, I mean come on, the air craft carrier sized ship is unarmed neal the middle east, that makes us much sense as say smoking while fueling your car. and why don't we just take out all these pirates. i mean we do have a full armed military... btw my dogs are feeling sorry for your dogs and they are all plotting revenge.

nikkicrumpet said...

I don't know which is more hysterical...your pirate story (which was epic), your dog haircut picture (that poor beast...how could you?) or your response to the first grooming (only because I said the same damn thing!) Thanks for the snort laugh!

Caroline said...

Hilarious! I saw this on CNN yesterday and can't believe this is actually happening. The guy with the big stick always gets the tanker!

Gettysburg Mom said...

All of my romantic pirate images fueled by The Princess Bride are well and truly dashed. What next? Rodents of Unusal Size turn out to be New York City Sewer Rats?

Anna Lefler said...

Sue, you SLAY me. Every single stinkin' time.

I am SO gonna take a page from the Somali pirates' hand book: I'm gonna get my rubber-band gun and go knock over a Wells Fargo.

Take THAT. [doink} And THAT. [doink]

Ha! Had enough?

XO

A.

Lauren said...

Dog looks good!

Anonymous said...

Good Post...but struggling to connect pirates and dog grooming...just the absurdity of the whole thing?

Anonymous said...

Local News:

Mr Bill missing...ransom note suggests he will be returned unarmed ...I mean unharmed if stash of Halloween candy is returned.

Signal your acceptance but buying the girls the large bucket of Popcorn and Malteasers at Twilight showing. A poster would speed up the process.

Joel Klebanoff said...

Here's what's really funny: I just read that "A group of armed Islamist militants is reportedly headed to a Somali port Friday to attack pirates holding hostage a massive Saudi Arabian oil tanker. The militants are angered because the piracy involves a ship owned by Muslims, according to Reuters."

Yes, that was a real news story. I didn't make it up. So, apparently, according to these militants, exploding suicide bombs in crowded marketplaces and flying full planes into occupied skyscrapers is OK by them, but piracy is a mortal sin.

I thought humans were supposed to be the intelligent animals. I guess I was wrong about that.

marae said...

Wait........ did they have rum? I mean I would totally pull the Supertanker over if they had rum.

Jill said...

OMG! LMAO! I saw this in the newspaper yesterday. Your version was much better! :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

They definitely don't have a l'il Captain in them. They are lame ass pirates.

♥ spoiled mommy ♥ said...

I hear ya- the pirate thing..Im LOST!!

Haha...poor little dog and now theres snow...brrrr Mommy!

Cathy - wheresmydamnanswer said...

Great post - and so true.. My husband was stationed with the Uncle Sam in Africa for a few months and was shocked at what these "pirates" were able to accomplish with so little...

Memarie Lane said...

awwww poor doggie! i was wondering about those pirates too. they just gave them 130 mil to get their tanker back. what do they think the pirates will do with that money? buy some iphones and ps3's? Noooo, they're going to buy BIGGER guns so they can get ANOTHER supertanker!

Marinka said...

I had the same issue with the whole pirate story. I sort of skimmed it and assumed that it was part of the "Lost" subplot or something.

The news stories that I don't understand is why when a young married woman disappears, they don't immediately arrest the husband. Why bother with the whole "investigation" pretense, we all know what's going on.

Leslie said...

Hope you are feeling better.... This post was just hilarious. rofl about the pirates, and the dog.

Debbie said...

LMAO at the Pirate bit. Seriously LMAO!!!

Julie said...

Oh my, I almost busted a gut trying not to laugh out loud cause it's 12:30 am and I'm at my step mother's house and she already thinks I'm crazy.