Twitter Recap: Because It's Earth Week.

1. Might tell the dentist I can't make it tomorrow because of the ash cloud.3:58 PM Apr 18th via Twhirl
   
   
   
2. The definition of awkward: When you have a full conversation with an acquaintance in the grocery store then you see them in the next aisle.7:46 PM Apr 14th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Think I'm gonna have my kids start calling me 'Mummy".12:15 PM Apr 15th via Twhirl
   
   I know Justin Beiber is like the hottest thing in music right now? But I just want to make him a PB&J. With the crusts cut off.7:25 PM Apr 14th via Twhirl
3. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Just notified that "Taylor Lautner is now following you on Twitter". Do I know it's not really him? yes. Did my heart jump anyway? yes.5:27 PM Apr 13th via Twhirl
   
   Why I love the new VH1 dating show "What Chilli Wants": Requirements: tall, handsome, great body, no more than 2 babymamas.1:03 PM Apr 12th via Twhirl
   
   No, you can't pay me in gum.2:57 PM Apr 9th via Twhirl
4. 
   
   17 y.o. just informed me that Smart Water is the best kind because "Dude. it's from the clouds."8:18 AM Apr 8th via web
   
   
   
   
   
5. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   Teacher to 3rd graders taking standardized test today: 'If you're so nervous u need 2 throw up, do it away from 
   your test."8:05 PM Apr 7th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
6. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   We felt the earthquake here in PA! No, we didn't. I'm just feeling left out.12:54 PM Apr 5th via Twhirl
   
   Day 11 of kids' spring vacation. Googling clocktowers in the area to bring my high-powered rifle to.7:02 PM Apr 4th via Twhirl
7. 
   
   
   
   
   
8. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   (telemarketer on caller ID) Me:"Tell 'em to bite me". 
   12 y.o.: "Bite me." (slams phone). Husband: 'Nice parenting."11:48 AM Apr 4th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
9. 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   My 12 year old says she's embarrassed that her new 
   phone still has a "mom ringtone". 11:56 AM Mar 20th via Twhirl
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
10. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    12 y.o: "Why do we have a foreign mailman?" Me: "He's not." Her: "Then why is his steering wheel on the wrong side."10:09 AM Mar 18th via Twhirl
    
    
    
    
    
    
11. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    9 year old: "I think our bus driver is blind. He wears those dark blind people sunglasses and never takes them off."6:42 PM Mar 17th via Twhirl
    
    
    
    
    
    
12. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    File under 'unintentinonally funny": Today's school lunch is "Sea Wonders".12:14 PM Mar 8th via Twhirl
    
    
    
    
    
13. 
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    If my husband doesn't want to drive important clients in a 
    car with black banana peels and congealed ice cream I need more of a heads up.3:50 PM Feb 25th via Twhirl
    
    Follow me. Or you won't know what I'm doing.
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Twitter.com/HappyHourSue

Weekend LOL Video

Longest game of Rock Paper Scissors ever - watch more funny videos

At Least I'm Not Gonna Tell You About My Dream

You know when you're telling someone about the weird dream you had last night and they go, "Then what happened?"

No?

That's because no one CARES.

I know...... it seems super-fascinating and entertaining..... But to the rest of the planet? Not so much.

And kids are the worst.

"Mom!I forgot to tell you! I had a really weird DREAM last night!..

(oh dear god in heaven no.)

"You? and me? and Daddy? and the lunch lady? Were all on this boat? Except it wasn't really a boat - it was your car? And we were going to Jamaica? But I hadn't done my reading packet? And so Nick Jonas was gonna help me? But then he got a bloody nose so he had to go to the nurse? And then you were like, "I TOLD you that would happen!" and you got all mad at me? And you made us all eat soup? Except there were like sharks in the soup? So I didn't want to? So I told Daddy but it wasn't really Daddy it was the Wizards of Waverly Place dad? And then it turned into a waterpark? And Dumbledore was there? And he was the guy who's at the top of the waterslide? Except he kept putting fish down the slide? So I had to try to not squish them? Cuz if you did? You'd get an F?.....

...Mom? Are you listening?"

Makes my dream about Taylor Lautner and Paypal seem pretty boring.

(**sigh**)

I so feel like this dude when I have writer's block.

Weekend LOL Video

Ha- you have to watch til the end to see the photo they're talking about.

Well That's Embarrassing.

So my middle school daughter informs me yesterday that she had a "How Well Do You Know Your Parent?" assignment where she had to write down what I would say to questions like "Favorite Actor".

And she put that I would say "Taylor Lautner".

Yeah. Wrote it down, handed it in.

Cougar Fail. Again.

SO I have compiled a list of "Correct" answers to prevent such reputation malfunctions in the future.

Actual answers in parenthesis.

FAVORITE ACTOR: Anthony Hopkins (Taylor Lautner OR Channing Tatum)

FAVORITE MOVIE: Shindler's List (The Hangover)

FAVORITE MUSICIAN: Jack Johnson (Lady Gaga) (Actually I do like Jack Johnson but I suspect it's because he's cute.)

FAVORITE TV SHOWS: CSI, Hardball, Extreme Makeover Home Edition (Celebrity Rehab, Cougar Town, Glee, Tough Love, Tool Academy)


FAVORITE AUTHOR: Hemingway (Stephen King and the chick who wrote Twilight)

FAVORITE FOOD: Seafood Bouillabaise (Lays Barbecue potato chips)


FAVORITE DRINK: Seltzer with Lemon (Captain Morgan & coke)

WHAT MAKES YOU ANGRY? Destroying the Earth's natural resources. (using up all the glasses when there's perfectly good paper cups)

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? Global warming (cellulite)


WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY? Repairing global relations (Taylor Lautner)

Merry Easter

I suppose I could say I was making an artistic/religious creative statement about His birth and His resurrection but.....

yeah, I'm just that lazy.

Have a Sketchy Easter

LMAO from the people who brought you "Sketchy Santas".... please enjoy

Sketchy Bunnies.

(be sure to scroll down to "Older Entries")

http://www.sketchybunnies.com/

What Not to Drink in Jamaica

Oy, am I hungover dehydrated.

Just got back from Jamaica which ROCKED.

It's actually a miracle they let us on the plane at all since I told the flight attendants at the plane door to "hold on a sec- my husband just got stopped by the dogs." Which, at the time, seemed logical to my Valium-soaked brain, but was actually a miscommunication from the 9-year-old to the 12-year-old to the 17-year-old to me.

My point being, I can't play 'telephone" when I'm wasted.

Anyhoo.

IF you go to Jamaica and IF you see someone order a "rum punch" and IF you ask the bartender what's in it and they say "rum and fruit juice"?

What they really mean is "dark rum, light rum, 151 rum, and magical Jamaican alcohol-hiding juice."

Because if you had known THAT, you wouldn't have slammed down 2 in a row then decided you had to participate in "Reggae Dance Lessons" because goddammit you have rhythm so how hard could it be.

In retrospect, the dance instructors were probably hoping for a dance style influenced by

But they got

Couldn't Wait for the Weekend Video

I dedicate this to my tween.

Hobos.com

Actual conversation in my car this morning driving 9 year old and her friend to school: Swear to God.

Her: Mom?
Me: yeah?
Her: If you marry a hobo, are your kids half-hobo, half-human?
Me: First of all, hobos are human. Second of all, no.
Friend: Hobos eat cans.
Me: What?
Friend: Hobos eat cans. And if they can't find any, they eat each other. My brother told me. Probably it's from Hobo.com.

A responsible mom would've probably had a serious talk right then about transients and the homeless but "Evacuate the Dancefloor" came on the radio, which, as we know, is my jam, so I dropped them off and came home and looked up Hobo.com.

Holy hobos.

There really is a Hobo.com.


And I totally learned a lot of stuff. Like:

When a 'bo (official slang term) dies, it's called "catching the Westbound".

Freight train is still the most popular mode of 'bo transportation.

Don't drink alcoholic beverages or "act fidgety" when waiting to "catch out" a freight train. That's a sure way to alert the Railroad police.

So, in conclusion, I have a newfound respect for the 'bo....and would like to list here - directly from the Hobo.com website - the bo's who have caught the Westbound, may they rest in peace.

(So hard to pick a favorite, but I think I'm gonna have to go with "Mike of the Weeds.")

HOBOS BURIED IN BRITT;THE HARDROCK KID 

MOUNTAIN DEWSLOW MOTION SHORTY 

CONNECTICUT SLIMPENNSYLVANNIA KID 

HAFEY ZALEA MAN CALLD JOHN 

IOWA BOBLORD OPEN ROAD  

CARDBOARD HOBO HERB  

SLIM JIM

TEXAS BOB  

Fr. JOHN BRICKLEYCALAMITY JANE   

STICK CHICKHOBO JOE  

CINDERBOX CINDYHOBO QUEEN DERAIL 

SALLY LADY FISHBONES  

LIBERTY JUSTICE

PREACHER STEVE

HOBOS BURIED ELSEWHERE;

ONION COTTON             CHARLES NOE

ADMIRAL DEWEY            PHILLIPINE RED

HAIRBREATH HARRY         SCOOPSHOVEL SCOTTY

KING DAVID 1             BEN BENSON

SKEET SIMMONS          ROGER PAYNE

JOHNPREVATIL           HOOD RIVER BLACKIE

WHITE SHIRT SLIM      DOC BELL

HORSEFACE BILL         ICE MAN JIM

GORDON BUDFILER        B.S.BULL

HARRY EDWARD HOLDEN    RUSS GARMS

THE PHILLY KID            ONION JACK

HIGHWAY JOHNNIE WEAVER         CORADO ED

MINNESOTA BOB              HOT SHOT BENSON

JEFF DAVIS            CANNONBALL EDDIE BAKER

ARIZONA BILL            HOBO BILL MAINER

BIGTOWN GORMAN           BEEFSTEAK CHARLIE

HOBO BYRD             NEVADA KID

THE DRIFTER           HOBO BOB KELLY

TEXAS DECKER          SONNY SLIM CHANCE

FRY PAN JACK            SPARKY SMITH

TUMBLEWEED            BUCKEYE DRILLER

WATERBED LOU          HIPPIE JOE

RENO JENO             TROUBLE

F-TROOPER             STEP AND A HALF

SKIN HEAD             GEORGE ST. GEORGE

SAMMIE-TAMMIE TRUXTON   DEE DEE

LAWRENCE OFMINNESOTA     WILLIAM PETTIT

MICHAEL CLITES           JOHN FORMS

MICHAEL GARFINKLE         JAMES MC CLEAN

CHARLES BOYD            PAUL WAYNE MATTEWS

ROGER BOWMAN            DARREN ROYAL MILLER

MODOC                 DEBRA LYNN

PINKY                 FLORIDA BOY BLUE

MELVIN BELLI          TUCSON JACK

CHICO THE KID         COPPER FRENCHIE

JUST JIM              CHIEF

CHICKEN RED           FINGERS

FRENCHIE              BIG RED

BO BRITT EDDIE       NORTHWEST WANDERING STAR

VIOLET JORDAN         TED WELCH

BOX CAR WILLIE        BOB POTTER

JAMES MICHNER         MICHELLE

THADDEUS              LITTLE STEVIE

BIGMIKE               HORIZONTAL JOHN

RED DOG               LIZZARD

MIKEY B.              DEPOT DEBBIE BENDER

EAST COAST CHARLIE    MOOSE

DON COONS             RAY BOWENS

JUDY WATERMAN         GOLD BELL

PAPA SMURF            VERN WATERS

OKLAHOMA SLIM         PEBBLES

BELLINGHAM KID        BLONDIE

ABRAHAM WINER         SPEEDY

DING DONG             30 WT. EARL

TEXAS CHUCK           GENE LIBRATORE

INDIANA HOBO          STACEY MARTINEZ

AMOS                  NORTH COAST BLACKIE

A.D.D.BRYAN           CAROLINE

HARDWOOD ERNIE HANSON    BRIAN MIZERA

RAINBOW               LEPRUCHAN

SMILING SAM           ALABAMA HOBO

MISSOURI MO           MIKE OF THE WEEDS

LITTLE JOHN           STAGGER LEE

AUSSIE TERRY          LUCHENBACH AL GRIERSON

IRONSIDES             INDIAN JESSIE

MATOKIE SLAUGHTER     HATCHET

BOBKEEFER             WHINO BILLY

BIKER HILLBILLY       BOSTON BRIAN

DEVAN COLLINS         HOBO CABBY

JOSHUA LONG GONE      WOODIE GUTHRIE

JACK LONDON           BURL IVES

HARMONICA SPIKE       ALAN J.PAIGE

STORMIN' NORMAN       RED HEAD HONOR JOHN

RUSS JOHNSON          KICKSTAND

CHUCK E.              KENTON GARRISON SR.

SALLY LADY            TEXAS RAMBLER

CHICKEN RED           FRENCHIE

FINGERS               BIG RED

WEST COAST BLACKIE   IRON HORSE TOM

OLD TEX               HOBO BILL NILE

BUZZ POTTER           PEARL of INDIANA

SHOTDOWN WILLS        RAMBLING RUDY

INDIAN JOHNNY         DERAIL [TOPEKA KS.]

SPACEMAN JOHN          COOKING BOB

JAMES ANTHONY COMBS     THE UNKNOWN HOBO [MPLS.]

JEFF PORAZZO             DIXIE PAVELEKA

BILL GLOVER              TEXAS DRIFTER

EVERITT FROM MCALISTER   NEW YORK GREENIE

STEAMTRAIN MAURY         LA BROOMCORN

CONNOR MACLEOD           FRANK "MAGOO" THORTON

HOBO WHITTLER             JUNGLE JACK

SIDE DOOR PULLMAN KID      ORVILLE PEARSON

JASON LITZER              HARDROCK CAJUN

HARMONICA RED              LITTLE GIZMO

POODLE JESSIE            MOSCA

BLACK-OUT BRAD             SLO FREIGHT BEN

GAS CAN PADDY            RED COYOTE

LIL JAY                  UTAH PHILLIPS

JERICHO                  BEAR GREASE

LOCO LARRY

Weekend LOL Video

The Handsome Mens Club

WTF

Seriously. Has the whole world gone crazy?

Check out this Barbie commercial I saw this morning:


I just don't know what to say.

Kudos, I guess, for rhyming "number 1 or number 2" with "puppy pee...puppy poo"...

Annnnnd.....do we all remember Barbie's dog "Tanner" from a few years back?

Yeah. "Tanner".

"Tanner" "ate" his "food" (brown Tic Tac-esque pellets), then you pressed his tail and he pooped them out.

All well and good, except that the "poop" doubled as the "food" and well- I just don't think it's a good message to send to the kids.

So I guess my point, Mattel, is:
More with the fashion, less with the crapping.

Weekend Jam

This is all I have to say:

Best. 2 minutes and 56 seconds. Ever.

Weekend LOL Drawing

Just got this emailed to me from my college roomate Deb.......

A  first grade girl handed in the drawing below for  a homework  assignment....

After  it was graded and the child brought it home, she  returned to school the next day with the  following  note:   Dear Ms.   Davis , I want to  be very clear on my child's illustration. It is  NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip  joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to  my daughter how much money we made in the recent  snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a  shovel. Mrs.  Harrington

 

Twitter: Where All the Random Thoughts Go

I don't need to review what Twitter is again, right?

(Those of you not familiar with Twitter Recap go here:)

OK- onward...... my latest tweets:




"Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back to your man. Now back to me."
3:30 PM Feb 24th from Twhirl


9 year old: "Do retarded people know they're retarded?" Me: "no." (*pause*) "Am I retarded?"
10:30 AM Feb 24th from Twhirl


Dalai Lama says he's never heard of Tiger Woods. He does, however, know Rachel Uchitel.
7:30 PM Feb 21st from Twhirl


Tiger Woods' problem was his conversion from Buddism to Boobism.
11:30 AM Feb 19th from Twhirl


The only way I want to see Elin standing next to Tiger at his statement is if she's hitting him with a golf club.
9:05 AM Feb 19th from Twhirl


Also? If he says the words "sex addiction"? I'll hit my TV with a 3-iron.
9:05 AM Feb 19th from Twhirl


Another common movie phrase I will never utter in my life: "What IS this place??????"
7:30 PM Feb 18th from Twhirl


Catholic confession: If I see my crush coming Ash Wednesday I'm doing the spit n' swipe.
5:31 PM Feb 17th from Twhirl


Apparently my stomach has decided to celebrate Fat Tuesday.
5:16 PM Feb 16th from Twhirl



Hey look: more snow. *gunshot* *thud*
8:30 AM Feb 16th from Twhirl



8 year old: "What does hover' mean?" Other 8 year old: "When someone's all up in your business."
8:41 AM Feb 11th from Twhirl



LMAO RT: Sometimes the one you think is your knight in shining armor turns out to be a retard in tinfoil.
1:01 PM Feb 11th from Twhirl


Taylor Lautner is 18 today **sigh of relief** (#pedopheliaisnotfunny)
12:20 PM Feb 11th from Twhirl


Hmmm. I wonder if God is going to hold me to all those promises I made puking my guts out Saturday night. (#stomachflu)
1:06 PM Feb 8th from Twhirl


Hell YES I'm preparing for the snowstorm. Got to tan and get nails done before the roads get bad.
10:09 AM Feb 5th from Twhirl


9 y.o. had to use "credit" in a sentence. "My mom collects credit cards."
7:30 PM Feb 1st from Twhirl


My 3-word review of "Dear John": Channing Tatum *thud*.
9:30 PM Feb 1st from Twhirl


Ugh. Now I have to find out what an ipad is.
4:30 PM Jan 27th from Twhirl


OK girls: Embarrassing Crush time. I'll go first. Kid Rock.
5:18 PM Jan 26th from Twhirl


Vocal outrage has virtually no effect on my dog's farting.
3:33 PM Jan 25th from Twhirl


What u football people don't realize is Liz on Tough Love just found out that Dave was married before.
10:15 PM Jan 24th from Twhirl


Me to 9 year old: "Is that red marker, or is your nose bleeding?" Her: "marker."
5:01 PM Jan 24th from Twhirl


Me and "Evacuate the Dance Floor" are having kind of a thing.
6:30 PM Jan 22nd from Twhirl


Overstock.com customer service was A+. I think the guy on the phone impregnated me.
7:30 PM Jan 21st from Twhirl

Follow me, or you won't know what I'm doing.

Twitter.com/HappyHourSue

Just some things I had to show you

First up: Does anyone else's TJ Maxx have these signs posted in the dressing room?????

For real!
That mofo talked me into 2 pairs of workout pants and some strappy sandals.


As a former graphic designer, I have to take issue with the 2010 Olympics logo.

I'm sorry. It just looks like "Healthy Beginnings Fat Camp" to me.


In Totally Awesome News About the Future...... NASA unveiled their animated plans for "The Puffin" Personal Aircraft.

What!!!! Someone get me a countdown widget STAT.


Many thanks to the person responsible for this Twilight "Half Man/Half Pillow":
You make my obsession seem quite tame.

And note to self: You may be bitching a little too much when you see your 9 year old has written this on the calendar:

(Mom's Appreciation Day, accompanied by balloons and a present.)

Weekend LOL Video

This is Justin Bieber:

This is what he does to 3 year old girls: (best moment at 4:10)

Update: readers just notified me that the video was removed but I think this link works:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCm8tdHkfI

Diary of a Snowstorm

Tuesday, February 9th

OMG! Can't believe we're going to get hit AGAIN with a big snow after last week's 2 FEET. Better stock up, supposed to start tonite.
Milk
Bread
Duraflames
Wine :)
Hershey syrup for hot chocolate!!! :)


Wednesday, February 10th

No school!!!! Got to sleep in, kids excited. it's really coming down. They say we're getting ANOTHER 2 feet - crazy! Do I have enough wine and rum? I think I do. These munchkins drink a lot of hot chocolate! So cute. :)



Thursday February 11th

School closed again.....whaddaya know. Is it that bad really? City of Philadelphia closed: freakin weenies. Oh shocker: here come the kids inside for more hot chocolate and tracking snow everywhere...where's the snowplow guy? So it's still coming down - Couldya grow a pair and get out here? Where's my cocktail.


Friday, February 12th

For the LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY school is closed again. I bet you don't have kids, MR. GUY-WHO-MAKES-THE-SCHOOL-CLOSING-DECISIONS. Do you. I bet you also don't have a HUSBAND WHO TAKES YOUR 4-WHEEL DRIVE SUV TO WORK AND LEAVES YOU WITH THE UN-DRIVEABLE CAR. Which means no car. 3 kids - 4 feet of snow - no escape. Just "Mom! .....Mom!...... Mom! She hit me! Mom! Can I have 50,000 friends over? Mom! Can you make me hot chocolate? Mom! Can you take me sledding? Mom! Why are you putting rum in your orange juice?"


Mom can put a whole fifth of rum in her orange juice. She's not going ANYWHERE.