Monday, December 14, 2009

The Next Person Who Asks If I'm 'All Ready for Christmas' Is Going to Get Shanked












(Editor's Note: I was 98% sure "shanked" was the right word so I Googled it. And while it does, in fact, mean 'stabbed in the jugular', it also means 'a family of wading birds'....so: bonus for you: you learned a new word.)

No. I'm not "ready".

The cards are not written, the outdoor lights are half up and, as of this writing, are staying that way in protest. The 3rd grade teacher is in danger of getting a "World's Best Teacher" mug. The garbage man better not look at me sideways between now and December 23rd because for reasons known only to him and the mafia, he insists on leaving my empty trash cans smack in the middle of my driveway.

OK. Now I want take a bitching break and say "How much do I love THIS dude from Charlie Brown:














'So freaking much', is the answer.

Back to our regularly scheduled program......

Can we talk about how no one's allowed to say "Christmas" anymore? Only "Holiday".....and now even that's too discriminatory against agnostics, apparently, so THIS is the decorations from the town next door to mine NO LIE:

















Really? ? ?

"Winter"??????????????

Why don't we just change Valentines Day to "Heart Day" so we don't offend "Relationship-Challenged-Americans"???????????

I know. My Xanax is not working.

I better be good so Santa brings me a good present..


33 comments:

Anonymous said...

you and me both Sistah! I'm not ready and not doing much to change it.
Love your Christmas list. Never thought about Taylor with a bow...now the 2 cute ups guys I see daily yes...

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Winter??? Winter??? That's it. It's the end of the world.

The dude from Charlie Brown? I watched it this year only so I could see that kid doin' his brand of the shuffle. Love. Him. To. Death.

SueMac said...

Winter??? WTF?????

Beth Dunn said...

It'll get done! Glad I did not ask. xoxo
SC

S said...

Jacob with a bow - priceless!!!

Carri said...

Well I am ready for Christmas and am upset I am ready because it forced me to spend more since I spent for a longer amount of time. Also wow winter, are they going to get signs for summer spring and fall as well. Enjoy your Christmas and have a great new year.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Say "Christmas" all you want. Let the haters hate.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

For real! If I was ready, I bet they wouldn't ask. And winter? Seriously?

Nice boy toy.

3 Peanuts said...

I HATE when people ask me that!!!! None of us are ready! And love that kid from CHarlie Brown too.

Miss Yvonne said...

Could you maybe tell me where you find a Taylor with a bow on it? Because I'm hoping that store will have a Harry Connick Jr. version for me.

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

How did the moronic "winter" people win this battle? Why did the rest of us wimpys give in? Merry Christmas!!! There I said it. Oh, happy Heart Day.

I hope shanking doesn't hurt too too much.

LucyCooper said...

That Winter flag is actually quite discriminatory. How to you think it makes our fellow Americans in southern Florida feel? They don't get those happy little snowflakes, only a shitty rainy season.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

What a hilariously disgruntled elf you are!

Lipstick said...

I love it!!!! Winter?! WTF? I am so tired of the generic "Happy Holidays" too. I mean, Christmas is actually a federal holiday. Surely we can say Merry Christmas.

Momlissa said...

OMG, that is HILARIOUS! "Winter?" Really? lol

I just gave you an award on my blog....http://3kidsin2yrs.blogspot.com/2009/12/happiness.html

Susan from PA (my lurker name) said...

In response to the Santa illustration: Clearly he doesn't have to drive several kids to and from swimming, ballet, and basketball...picking up at 9:00 pm. Let's face it, he has elves to do hi dirty work. He only has to be "on his game" on Christmas eve. Yet another thing that pisses me off. I would love the wine part, and lots of it, but Mama doesn't need to weave all over the road at pick up! All else in post: I so agree!

Anonymous said...

Where is the "like" button for this post?

Susan again said...

FYI: We could do stuff at school for Christmas as long as the baby Jesus is not involve d...BUT: we would have to celebrate Hannukah and Kwanzaa too. (taken from a pop quiz with the answers from my principal and boss). Just a little teacher geek trivia to add to your day. I'll refrain from cursing for that reason :)

April said...

I can't tell you how much I love visiting your blog and laughing my ass off ... your editor's note alone had me LOL-ing!!

Jules said...

I heart anyone who uses the word "shanked". It's a freakin' holiday. If it gets done, it does. If not, eh.

Ms. Attitude said...

AMEN!!

African American Mom said...

Oh man, I just started reading your blog and this is some funny stuff!

choochoo said...

hows about we just call valentines day organ day? Cause then we're not discriminating against other organs, either. You don't want to offend, say, the liver or the kidneys or anything.

Kurt said...

If people actually talked to me, then I bet they would totally ask me if I was ready for christmas and I'd get all indignant in my head and be all "Pfft. I'll effing KILL the next person who asks me that!"

But no one talks to me.

I'm totally not ready. Ask me. Please.

Anonymous said...

the bow is in the wrong place. ;)

~ a regular blog creeper called Rach

Shannon said...

I love the Charlie Brown dude, too! What moves! what style! Or do you think he just has a neck disorder?

Bad Christy said...

Yep, my husband asked if I had sent the Christmas cards out yet... As if it's assumed that they're GOING to get sent out. I told him to feel free to jump right on it. "But my handwriting sucks!" So I'm thinking about in protest of all the crap that needs to be done (tree decorated, house picked up and cleaned, cookies baked, cards addressed...) just taking my fat happy ass to the movies.

Melissa To the Beat of Five Drums said...

WINTER?!?!? Dude, you should totally vandalize that.

Loveable Loser said...

What happen to Peace on Earth?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Enjoy Family and Friends, be kind to your fellow living being :)

The Doctor is Real In

Mark said...

If you study Charlie Brown intently, the dude on Charlie Brown is BOTH neck and feet. And don't forget the singing Who from the Grinch with the white low beard. Way high on the cool chain!

Happy Festivus to all!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

My hair stylist asked me last week if I was ready for Christmas and I told her the truth, no, I'm not. I have a lot of shopping to do. Once out to the front desk to pay the nice girl asked me the same thing and I totally lied to her. "Yes, I'm so ready - it's awesome!" I'm over people asking that... FREAKING HELL NO I'M NOT READY!

So happy to find your honest blog!

SweetPeaSurry said...

Ya know ... I totally follow you on the "Holday" vs "Merry Chrismahannakwanzaabullshit" saying. I'm FAR from a practicing Christian, more on the Pagan sliding scale acutally, HOWEVER all of my family celebrate the birth of Christ. (Which coincidentally the Christians changed to coicide with the Pagan holiday of Yule, so really ... points to me on that one anyway!!!)

Who am I to begrudge them their faith? I'm not ... lest ye be judged and whatnot!!! These athiests are going too far and are far to easily offended. Do I get offended that they don't believe in ancient pagan rites and rituals? Not so much ... to each their own.

Your Xanax is fine ... it's people that suck!!! (as well as my grammar and perhaps my punctuation too)

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