I know.
I was a shocked as you guys that my post about how my boobs were bigger than Dooce's didn't catapult my blog to superstardom.
But check this out - I have a new plan that is so freaking brilliant I will be dazzling Matt Lauer with witty banter in no time.
So everybody knows that Twitter is a "social media" application where you basically share 1-2 sentence updates with your Twitter circle, whether it's 30 people or 1,000.
But the thing is, you know who your Twitter peeps are - you have a list of who you're following and who's following you. So imagine my surprise the other day when I typed:
Bought "No-chew" spray and "No-poop" spray at Petsmart for Gigantic Puppy arriving tonite. Do I think I can just spray my way thru this????? 11:56 AM Dec 10th from twhirl
and an hour later I see this:
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Dude. They were so not on my list. Those rat bastards have some sort of super spy filter software that scans the whole Twitter universe and finds mentions of their store.
So of course my first order of business given this unexpected development was to see if that would work on boys. So I typed:
OK that's freaky - @Petsmart just tweeted me. If I talk about Joe Jonas will he tweet me? Robert Pattinson? Hello? Mark Wahlberg? 1:15 PM Dec 10th from twhirl
Josh Holloway - Mark ruffalo - John Krasinski - is this working? Kellan Lutz - Oscar de La Hoya......I can keep going1:16 PM Dec 10th from twhirl
Nothing. Ratballs.
But. It occurred to me: Who would have the most sophisticated, most all-encompassing web-scanning operation going? That's right, bitches. The CIA.
So here is my brilliant plan:
I start dropping Twitter-bait like "jihad" and "Al Quaeda" (note to self: figure out the correct spelling)......and BAM! the CIA is following me and my blog.
Random cool CIA dude mentions it to his wife, who forwards it along to Michelle Obama at the Christmas party and bada-bing, I'm a superstar.
Or, incarcerated.
61 comments:
I'm pretty sure you don't get to drink cocktails while incarcerated. You might want to rethink this plan. Although, it's probably too late already...
wow- that's ballsy of you! First, Dooce, now this.
I don't comment very often but I felt compelled to let you know that I really appreciate your posts. My life is a bit on the stressful side right now so I need all the laughs I can get and I usually find them here! Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts!!
This can't backfire!
i think if ya got the "bada-ding" part down, you'll make out okay in the clink!
I get emails from Obama's peeps every other day. Want me to put in the good word?
Let me know when you are "exchanging witty banter" with Matt Lauer. I'll TiVo the show that day.
If she reads this tell her to tell her husband to do what he can to work out a plan to save the Big 3! Tell Michelle if you read this....DETROIT matters!
Tell Gettysburg Mom not to worry. We can hook you up with a recipe for raisin hooch you can make in your prison cell. Twitter on, Dudette!
Sounds like a plan!
I am actually laughing. I love when that happens. The incarcerated line was perfect and I think that might happen if you become too insistent on twittering Obama -
I'm having some trouble with the word twittering...
good sunday laugh...the week is off to a good start!
I think this may actually get you that interview with Matt Lauer, ...via satellite from the federal prison, BUT STILL! Tell him I said hi and I think he's cute.
your sooo going to prison! ;) We'll miss your blog and tweets!
ok, i don't twitter, but i have been thinking that i want to twitter MOSTLY b/c i will twitter about companies/brands i love or hate - and see if it gets me anywhere....
i love your idea bout the cia....love it.
HHS, Ruens is right, you can't go to prison!!! What will your readers do???
Twittering anything with the
"Al-____" word in it, will surely get you investigated! Oooh, or maybe just frisked....hmmmm, kinky, I like it...
You really crack me up. I will put in a good word for you, to chelle (that's what I call her, we're tight). I think you can bypass all the terrorist business.
LMAO That's a great idea. I can't wait to see you on TV in cuffs. LOL
That can't be any worse that what is actually happening in IL.
Briliant! Can't fail...at least I hope not!
LOL!! You definitely got guts! This cracked me up!
Brilliant plan!
You know, either way, really. :)
You're pretty. You'll make a good girlfriend in the slam-her.. Get it? I said slam-her.. hahaha
over it.
If you get Michelle as a reader, send her on over to my blog. I've got a post about Barack's balls. It's a video and they talk and everything. When I say "they", I mean Barack's nuts. Anyway...
Thanks,
Candice
You are such a genius! I mean can't you just tell the CIA that you really didn't mean it all and you were just trying to get Michelle's digits. Love it, 'specially the bitches part!
Do you think they'll let you tweet from prison? Doubtful. We'll miss you!
HEHEHE great plan. I'll visit you in prison!
If the CIA does google searches you may be in trouble...
I think it could work, I say go for it. What's a jail term, anyway...
i don't know...first twilight, now this. you've got issues! lol ya really crack me up :) but oh, man...if you could only type in rob pattinson and he started following. *sigh*
I had a similar Tweet-following experience, except in my case it was the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
The weirdest part was I don't recall name-dropping "Macy's" - the best I remember is Tweeting that Kiddo and I were going to watch "the parade" so it was a little freaky that all of a sudden I was being followed by Macy's. I mean, that Dora balloon kinda freaks me out - what if I suddenly find it peering in my upstairs window? Or those giant Pilgrim bobbleheads out on my deck.....? Eek!
I've been Twittering about my famous crack brownies. They're actually delicious "Magic Cookie Bars" that are quite addictive. Three people told me I should stop Tweeting about crack brownies or else the DEA might show up on my doorstep. I laughed. But now I'm laughing nervously. If Petsmart can find you, the DEA is probably on its way over right now. But I'm sure if I fed them my crack brownies, they'd be all "These are good, ma'am. Make more and we won't arrest you."
I will figure out how to smuggle mojitos into prison for you. No one else mentioned this. Now you know who really cares about you.
It's ok, I've got your back. I will bake a file in my next 3 layer chocolate espresso cake. You're good to go!
I hear the weather is super nice at Gitmo!
Probably incarcerated but what a story you will be able to tell!
Your too funny!
yeh, that plan does have some flaws... can you twitter from Gitmo?
I hope this all works according to plan I really do b/c you are just too pretty for jail!
God, I hope orange is your color. I will bake you cake with an emory board in it. Your nails must always look pretty.
OR mention Hypo-Allergenic Dogs. Genius.
WHat a fricken' riot!
maybe tweet 'what kind of shoes to throw at President Elect" and see what comes up!
So I'm semi mentally incapacitated when it comes to all things blog, but I have bestowed upon you an honorable and great award, the butterfly award! I don't really know how to "give" it to you (that's what she said) besides telling you to come on over and check it out. Thanks for keeping my work days interesting!
You might want to run this plan by BG...cause he seems like the type that might know a little bit about being incarcerated.
I have a feeling this won't end well...
This so cracks me up!
Although it occurs to me that maybe she already does read your blog but makes the secret service disguise her IP address, and can't answer you because of security issues. Thoughts?
Can you get us tickets to the Inaugaral Ball?? That would rock.
A better plan would be to throw your shoes at Joe Biden's head, who would tell his wife, who would have a great laugh about it with Michelle at tea (were they Jimmy Choo's??? tee he he he).
Just thinkin.
The reason Barrack will not give up his BlackBerry is to follow your Blog and Twitter.
That and his Boob fetish.
I hope CIA does not lock you up...I am not sure you can blog from prison
The idea of you an BG holding it down in cell block C is hilarious... I may just have to make a comic version of it so we can see it.
this has got to be the funniest thing I have reed all day!!! I needed a good laugh.
who are you with this witty idea? I mean, really? You could rule the world.
Gettysburg Mom is right. I don't think there are any cocktails in the big house. Not the kind you'd enjoy anyhow.
However...I doubt you're going to have to worry about ginormous puppy poops in the big house. *Lol*
And damn woman, taking on Dooce? I miss all the good stuff whilst I'm away trying to get my Christmas spirit on and discovering my long lost boobs on someone else's body.
If you need a file filled cake, let me know!
Perfect plan! AND Bada-BING, you're behind bars! LOL! But actually a well thought out plan!
That is so gonna work! You go girl..can't wait to see you on the Today Show!
Well, I say it's a good plan.
Maybe just get yourself a good lawyer before hand, just to be safe.
Dude, I need to start following you on Twitter! heh...
OMG.....you just made me pee my pants!
Yeah..Had this happen to me too. Twittered I was going to the gym..then in <1 min. a personal trainer started following me. Should I take offense?
I say we start mess with people...
As long as they let you blog from the federal pen, it should be easy enough.
It would have to be a random cool CIA dudette, honey. A CIA dude would never pass that info along to his wife.
I, too, have wondered how to get my blog on Michelle's radar. I cannot believe she isn't drawn to my refrigerator cleanout posts.
Umm, I normally NEVER post comments on anyone's blog because I am a certified lurker, but I have to say this is the funniest thing I've read in awhile and really did something special for my otherwise craperrific day. Good luck with your mission!
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