Sunday, November 2, 2008

Halloween Candy Hangover


Damn you, Halloween Candy.

You win. Again.

I really thought this was gonna be my year: The Year I Didn't Touch the Halloween Candy.

I had a 3-part plan.
 1. Buy candy to give out that I don't like.
 2. Chew lots of gum.
 3. Don't touch the kids' loot.

It was stellar. Foolproof. Probably the same strategy Heidi Klum employs.

I rocked step #1. Bought 2 ginormous bags of Mike & Ike - (blecch.)
After the kids got home Halloween night, Step #2 was launched: Trident Mint, 4 out of 5 dentists, it's all good.

Remember that movie "The Day After"?

Yeah. The Day After is when all hell breaks loose. And you're in your kitchen all mindin' your own business and there's a bright shiny Kit Kat bar just sittin' there on the counter. And it's all, "Hey! No one's around.....just break off one little piece.." and you're all :"No way, Devil-Candy." and the Kit Kat's all, "Come on, live a little, you wuss."

And the next thing you know you've inhaled 2 Kit Kats, 3 Reeces, 2 caramels and some malted milkballs. And you're all, "CRAP! Heidi Klum would SO not have done that."

And then it's a downward spiral like a heroine addict who just started out smoking a little weed. 

First it's just the high-end stuff: Your Reeces, your Twix, your Three Muskateers....but when that runs out and there's no dealer to get you the good stuff, you resort to the "second tier". The Milk Duds....the Tootsie Rolls....the Starburst.

And before you know it, you've hit rock bottom. You're surrounded by dum-dum wrappers and you're eyeing a Bit-O-Honey.

And your 8-year-old is demanding to know where all her candy went.

And because you are, after all, an adult, and her mother, you look her in the eye and say:

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. It was probably your brother and his friends."

81 comments:

Island Girl said...

haha! This is hilarious! It was the 50% off Halloween candy at Target that got me...try and stay strong :0)

Legal Diva said...

Its like an AA meeting... Hello my name is... and I am addicted to candy.

I admit... I picked the Bit-O-Honey's out of my kids bags while they were still trick-or-treating... they are my favorites.

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

*head hung in shame* I stole all of Peanut's Rolos...

Heinous said...

Hey now, I love bit-o-honey. Let's not dis the bit...

Heather said...

I must protest - Milk Duds are most certainly NOT second tier! *humph*

Though the person that tossed the cheapo starlight peppermints into kids' bags on Halloween? LAME.

Izababy and KJ's Mom said...

HaHa! At least you had a plan and made an attempt! The only plan I had was to take my 17 month old out Trick-Or-Treating. Yeah, how much of that candy is she going to eat???? None... and Momma? Too Much!

Mr Lady said...

Heidi Klum would have just puked it out after. Remember that for next time.

Mandy said...

So true! I am guilty of raided the pumpkins as well.

Mama2hre said...

HA! Same tier, same blown plan. Ugh! Next is Thanksgiving, Christmas and then Easter candy! I'm doomed for the next 6 months!

Linda S said...

yeah, my kids had that crap laying around for months...I could have put it all away in a week. I had to eat it for them, it was the sensible thing to do.

Lisa said...

Payday and Snickers are my weakness. Screw the Milk Duds and mini tootsie pops.

I figure I am saving my kids teeth by eating it myself. Besides, I need the sugar-high, they don't.

Lulu said...

My plan was to put all the leftover candy into the freezer - takes longer to eat when frozen so even when you give in, not inhaling so much, right?

Clearly - wrong.

jill jill bo bill said...

When you start sniffing the pixie stix powder, you need help. Until then, don't worry.
Love,
Your inner voice

Jen said...

yeah, I saw her brother do it.
(I am hear for you, your secret is safe with me.)

Angie said...

I did the same thing!! How funny!

Jenni Jiggety said...

Oooh I was good today. I didn't have ONE SINGLE piece.

But let's not talk about what I ate yesterday...

The Mom said...

To ease myself off the Halloween candy I made brownies...I wean slowly.

Anna Lefler said...

* sigh *

I WOULD be hearing the screams of my kids accusations, but my ears are filled with the tiny explosions of friggin' POP ROCKS! (What?!?!)

Yes, I've sunk that low.

I'm so WEAK...

[sniff]

Mrs de Miranda said...

Let me tell you Mommas...at least you HAVE an excuse! Me? No kids. Didn't even go trick or treating! But I did fall to the devil candy....Im ashamed. But hey...tomorrow's a new day. Maybe the other side will win tomorrow! :)

KD @ A Bit Squirrelly said...

I am sending the candy with hubby to work tomorrow. I have no willpower.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

I make the husband take it all to work so it stays far away....the kids get a toy in exchange ;)

Wendy said...

I partook of the devil Halloween Candy.

I understand that there's a 12 step for my problem. Anyone want to sponsor me on my Halloween Candy Addiction?

ciara said...

usually my hubby & i get whatever the kids don't like. for me, i get a few good things, but i'm picky AND i don't eat much candy these days. so all the rest goes to hubby...he pigs out all day long. he bought 2 big bags plus 2 small emergency bags, since last yr he resorted to giving out the kids' lunch chips and cheese sticks after running out. we still had 1/2 of one big bag and BOTH emergency bags. hoping i don't have a sudden craving for chocolate or i'm DOOMED!

MammaDawg said...

LOL - it's double bad when you add chocolate cake, cookies and ice cream to the list, too!

Drop by whenever you get a chance, k? I've got an award for ya ;)

I am Boymom said...

Ugh! I totally overdosed on Baby Ruths! I thought I had it under control! I realize the mistake was in giving up soda 2 months ago, the sugar cravings went wild over Halloween! The good news is I made myself so sick this weekend that I am actually looking forward to vegetables all week.

Tasha said...

uhhhh yea, The Day After fucked me up for a week after I saw it. I've been sneaking my kid's candy, too. Add another 5 pounds to my ass next week...

derfina said...

Heh. I always told my kids, "Daddy and I had to go through it and take out all the stuff that looked like someone had MESSED with it." That would squick them out enough that they wouldn't question the fact that only the GOOD stuff ever got 'messed' with.

Lipstick said...

LMAO!!!! I am sitting on the couch with my laptop and the candy is sitting beside me (as well as some empty wrappers). I ate some Twix and a Snickers and shoved the Bit-O-Honey to the bottom.

Swirl Girl said...

now I need something salty to counteract the sweet.

damn, the cycle begins...again.

Not Just Any Jen said...

I am still hungover, but I dig the Bit O Honeys, and we didn't get any this year.
Jen

Tenakim said...

If you inhail the pixie sticks- do you still get the calories?

Alicia said...

Oh, I didn't even make it through Halloween night. I've decided that I'm probably gonna have to buy some chocolate, once the 11yo realizes his is all gone. The 5yo won't know a thing...

Janah said...

I never really thought about it, but that is really how it happens! But, I will say that I won the battle this year. It helped that we went to a friends to trick-or-treat!

Mrs. S. said...

Aww...damn those candies that seem to unwrap themselves and find their way to my mouth! Haha! At least you had a plan, right? Haha! Good luck for the days to come!

Rachel said...

too funny. Yeah I don't think Heidi Klum would have given in...oh well maybe next time LOL

sassy stephanie said...

Girl, you know Heidi would have just barfed when she was done.

mommaof4wife2r said...

great plan..i too used it. didn't work here either. darn.

Paige said...

I did not even realize that I was so strong--I did not even BUY any candy!

Shelley said...

I had a great plan. I wasn't even home on Halloween so I didn't buy any candy. And my six year-old's bucket? We took it into the high school football game with us Friday night and threw most of it to the crowd. Oh yes, I was feeling smug, because I had sucessfully avoided the chocolate trap.

Then I came to work this morning to a big black plastic cauldron filled with Kit Kats and Reese's peanut butter cups in the break room. Damnit.

Leslie said...

Haha, hilarious! Nice plan, poor execution. Shoot again for next year!

manic mariah said...

A three part plan. I should have thought of that. I started the night out with a handfull of peanut M&M's and it went downward REAL QUICK!

McMommy said...

I'm sitting here laughing...while unwrapping my Watermelon Blow Pop.

Tiffany said...

It's like you're reading my mind. All "we" have left are gum and dum dums. Must have been hubby who ate it all. That bastard!

Miss Yvonne said...

Ah yes, that damn Halloween candy...I lose that battle every year.

You know you have a problem when you get to the bottom of the bag and you start sucking on Sugar Daddy's.

That's what she said.

CaraBee said...

So funny. And true.

Kirsten said...

LOL! I'm in a sugar coma too! I can't stop!!
Check out my blog. You've been tagged!

grace said...

damn those reeses peanut butter cups! that's what gets me...everytime.

kel said...

Halloween candy is the freaking DEVIL!

JT said...

I did the same thing (except I don't have kids.) I bought Dum Dums to hand out. I hate lollipops.

Then some jerk brought a giant bag of Reese's, Kit Kats, and assorted other chocolatey goodness bars to my party Friday night and left them.

Since I had a real hangover on Saturday, and since the bag was within arms reach when I inexpicably woke up on my couch, I ate them for breakfast and lunch.

nikkicrumpet said...

THat was so stinkin hilarious!! I don't even have words.....I just woke up both of my dogs with my loud laughter and they think I'm nuts. I love the whole "2nd tier" thingie...and you had the candy perfectly ranked. You know you've hit bottom when you resort to the bit-o-honey and the dum dums. This post deserves an award!

QuirkyLoon said...

No guilt here. It is all part of the plan.

Go ahead help yourself. What are the kids gonna do?

Ground you?

bwahahahahahahahahahaha

AngieSS said...

I'm still laughing my butt off! I had to Digg and Stumble -- this post is soooooo worthy. I totally relate to this -- thanks for the huge laugh!

Gettysburg Mom said...

It's so difficult to leave a comment when the caramel and chocolate on my fingers keep sticking to the keyboard.

Aleta said...

Ohhhh, that's cold, blaming it on the brother. LMAO. Loved this post!

Jennifer said...

You've definitely hit rock bottom if you're doing Bit O'Honey!!

I'm still riding high w/ the Butterfingers!!

You need an intervention!!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh dear. Bit O' Honey? That's the bottom of the barrel. Why do people even give OUT that stuff? Oh, probably for the same reason you give out Mike & Ikes.

Friends don't let friends be alone with the Halloween candy.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

You got it spot on and I went through all the same steps. And I failed miserably as well.

*Sigh. Maybe next year.

Caroline said...

I feel like shit...I just scarfed down a reeses, 2 butterfingers, baby ruth, another reese, twix and about 10 tootsie rolls. The candy WON! I totally caved! I feel sick and bloated!!!!

* I am bummed...no bit-o-honey's! They are my favorite, even though they rip out my fillings!

Michelle said...

By far the greatest thing about having my wisdom teeth out Halloween morning. Actually, the only good thing about it.

Annie said...

I don't even really like chocolate and I had 2 Reeses today. Damn my thighs.

Liz said...

Funny thing...I'm sitting here chewing up a white chocolate Kit Kat as I read this. Dang candy!

Jennifer, Playgroups Are No Place For Children said...

Brilliant!

And Mr. Lady hit it on the head...Heidi puked up her candy. Hey, there's always next Halloween, right?!

Deb said...

Its been ugly over here, let me tell you.

Rantings by a Middle Aged Drama Queen said...

ahhhhhh, candyholics meetings! I admit I took out all the things I like and split the rest. The only bad thing is I am stealing from SIX kids which means MORE candy. The sad thing is I am almost done. :(

Bear and Bones Mama said...

OMG. I read this post yesterday and was all, "I would never glutton out like that." Yeah well. Today I'm home from work with a 1 year old with pink eye, and it's not even 9am and I've already hit my 4 year old son's candy bag. This does not bode well for the day.
Love,
The Glutton.

ali said...

I can imagine the bit o'honeys and the mary janes hanging out on the misfit island for Halloween candy!

Ali said...

this is the VERY reason why i've had to take the Petroville no candy challenge. i haven't had a SINGLE piece of halloween candy this year!

Scary Mommy said...

I love this post. My poor, poor children barely got any of their hard earned loot.

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I've already eaten every Reese's peanut butter cup in the loot.

Sigh.

Keeper Of All Things said...

Really funny

Bar-b said...

here here. I told my daughter that she could only have the number of candies as her age...she'll be three tomorrow so I gave her three pieces. My husband was like...ok, now hand it over. We ate it all of that night and the next day. We had shit like ice cream with "crushed toppings" like we lived at a dairy queen. Too much fun. I have to throw out the bag already. All I have left is the peppermints (wtf) and pennies (I need those thankyouverymuch).

jaime said...

oh Sue...there is no cure for the Halloween Candyaholics. Just keep blaming the brother and his friends. it's only once a year.

my husband yells at me each time i go for my son's candy- i'm like, HELLO! he's 3! he don't need 2 big ass bowls of candy- you go to work during the day, i'm not lettin him eat all this and get all hopped up during MY watch...now GIMME SOME CANDY FOOL. hehehehehe.

oh and i didnt even buy candy- by the time we got home we had ONE ringer and i gave them the candy my son isn't allowed to have- the EWWW yaffy taffy and crappy hard candies. word.

The Nice One said...

Oh yea...that guilty thing...when your kid busts you for eating all their own...and they are like, "uh, mom, what happened to the 'ONLY 2 PIECES!' rule?"

Yea. Not good.

Bex said...

bwahahaha!!! Oh, yes, Sweet Sue, I know your plight well. Been there, done that, still have the tell-tale chocolate in the corners of my mouth.

Stupid Snickers Bar with all of its peanuty goodness. I'm pretty sure that the power of the dark prince himself compelled me to suck the creamy stuff off first. And then, he compelled me to gently bite off all of the chocolate. And I REALLY don't want to talk about what happened to the caramel and peanuts. Ahem...I think I might have said too much.

MammaDucky said...

Your candy tier is the same as mine. What?! My purse is always that bulky. No, it's not stuffed full of the kid's candy!

Type A Deb said...

Remember when our big night time treat was carrots dipped in Brown Sugar Sweet 'N Low? Why can't I get back into that mindset?!!

Jamie said...

It's even worse when it's around and your trying to lose weight like I am. Damn halloween candy!

Ginette said...

Too funny...Look at it this way, they are not full size snacks. That when there's full blown addiction. No saving you.

Merrie said...

OMG you're me.

LOL at the dum dums and bit o' honey!!

Wep said...

OMG THAT was hysterical.

.:Girl Interrupted:. said...

haha oh my gosh, I have made this same plan every year since I had kids. Always fails.. love the way you put it into words :)