Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Lifeguard


Job Requirement: 
Be on alert every second, scanning a deep pool full of 50 or more young children of varying swimming abilities. Must be able to scan, assess and anticipate every possible situation and scenario. Full visual and mental focus on pool at all times.

Job employee:
Hormone-distracted teenage boy thinking about current girlfriend, Maddie, ex-girlfriend, Jessica who keeps texting him, future girlfriend, Missy, in hot bikini over by the snack shack, parents who will ground him when they find out about the beer missing from the fridge, decision about which party to go to tonight, and whether he has enough money to buy Grand Theft Auto IV.

My Plan:
The MomGuard.

The pool club would have to pony up  a bit in hourly wage, but the MomGuard would be the BOMB. 

Dude, check it: Red miraclesuit with swim skirt. Large brimmed straw hat. SPF 50.

"Hunter Peterson! You just ate lunch- Out of the pool!"

"Mackenzie Jacobs! Do you have sunscreen on???"

"Cole and Bradley Shipman - Stay away from each other!"

"Great dive, Kelly - Yes, I saw that!"

"Nicholas Matthews - go use the restroom!"

"Morgan Jeffries - jump out farther or you'll crack your skull open!"

Seriously - wouldn't you be able to relax more??????



52 comments:

{Anissa} said...

I know I would -- I would of walked up to that little guy and would of told him a few things. I'm so scared of water my kids will not swim without me being there. I think jobs like that need more qualifications!

Swirl Girl said...

I'd hire you in a minute! As long as you institute the 'adults only swim' hour, and remind me to butter up and turn over to the other side! While you are watching my kids that is....That would be the real Happy Hour.

Jen said...

I've often thought about this and how it doesn't make any sense whatsoever. The other place that you'll find this type of mismatched employment placement is at the amusement park. Do I really want the teenager that you just described making sure we are all safely strapped into a roller coaster? I think not.

Crayl said...

I agree, up the pay, up the service.And who better than a mom? Brilliant.

deconstructing jen said...

hysterical and absolutely freaking BRILLIANT. I would SO do that and be willing to pay extra at the pool for that. seriously after my heart attack filled afternoon taking my kids to the local water park I would so get behind this!

Kelly said...

Can you come work at my pool! That would be great!!!!!!
I took my kids to the Y not to long ago and the girl on duty..was checking out her locks..rubbing her legs and swatting flies away..not paying attention at all to the chaos that ensues at the pool. I'd hire you (just like the other commentor) in a second..as long as you bring me some Mojitos! hahah

Deb said...

You've got the right idea for sure! By the way, I ordered the blog t-shirt you made, and love it! I got the light blue one.

FlowerGirl said...

Man, you are right on target! The kids that patrol our Y are funny. They even enacted "adult swim" this year. So, every couple of hours, they get a break and we all get to entertain our kids 'out of the water' for 15 minutes... Yeah, thanks. I'm presenting your idea to them next week...

Lipstick said...

This is SO funny and so on target. I love the swim skirt and SPF 50 part!!!

Jen said...

We need the "mom guard" at our pool. That would be super cool. I always wondered what the life guards were doing when they were looking off into space and not on the pool

Aubrey said...

I'd be the first in line for that pool membership!

Shelley said...

Not that I think teenagers are brilliant or anything (I have two, myself), but at our public pools here, the high school-aged lifeguards do a really good job as far as watching what's going on and being alert.

But the Momguard? Yeah, I'd so pay for that. Because the lifeguard isn't telling them to put on more sunscreen or go to the bathroom. That's practically priceless.

Leslie said...

That's perfect, I'm all in for that idea!

Jaci said...

I relax more if the welfare trash moms would keep an eye on their kids. Apparently, they think the lifeguard is also a babysitter, so they can lay on a chair and take a nap--or talk with their boyfriend, who just got out on probation and has to wear his ankle monitor. (No lie.) I found you on the Blog Around the World site, and I'm so happy to find someone else in PA! Yeah!

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Love it. Genius.

Alice said...

You'd be much better than me. I bring my book and look up every five minutes or so.

No floaters yet!

Alice said...

I keep trying to vote for you, but HB is having technical issues. Been getting them a lot this weekend.

Kristi O said...

Too funny! I love it. you could franchise! MomGuards all over the country. I like the whole happy hour idea too. bring it on!

Jennifer said...

I think I would breathe a lot easier with MOMGUARD on duty!! LOL!

Giveaway on my blog if anyone's intertested...

Julie said...

Too funny! Perhaps my post to the Mommy at the Pool should read this one as well! I will admit that ours are college age and do make the older kids mind. I also have fun looking at some of the more hunky ones in their red swim shorts!

Julie

Insane Mama said...

Don't nominate me. Please! Cause I'm not jumping in that pee water to save a kid.

Tiffany said...

I need a full time momguard. LOL

jill jill bo bill said...

I love it!!! And that reminds me of a story....must blog now....

Marla said...

you are just plane awesome!!~

Patrice said...

Absolutely hilarious! Although I am trying not to take offense to the fact that teenagers are not qualified to be good workers! I'm sure I would be a damn good lifeguard, thank you very much. But, I suppose mom's would be (and unofficially already are) better... so I'll let this one go!
Great post as always... are you ever not funny ?!?!

I am Boymom said...

Ummm, YEAH!!!!

Dana said...

Yeah, I have seen my share of young lifeguards this year. Definitely start a movement for Mom Guards.

Brittany said...

Best idea ever!

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

You'r hired!

The teen slacker lifeguards at our pool don't even pretend to be watching. I get pi$$ed off everytime I see them.

Mama Dawg said...

I'd totally be able to relax. I'm for hire!

Meg said...

Great plan, but can we at least have some hot, shirtless guys selling snacks or something?

Firefly said...

Brilliant! As a former teenage lifeguard and a current mom, this could be your million dollars - a corps of MomGuards making the nation safer one public pool at a time!

georgie said...

LOVE the Mom guard idea-you should sooo patent that!

Jonny's Mommy said...

I totally agree and i would hire you too.

Seriously, teenage hormone crazed boys are not who I want watching my kids in the pool.

A hormone crazed adult woman with kids on the other hand?

Would work for me.

ali said...

Awesome idea! "Aaron Standridge, get that girl OFF your shoulders! You don't know where 'that's' been!"

Tina said...

Brilliant and hilarious!

Blessings From Above said...

You are hired!!!

When I was at the beach a couple weeks ago...the lifeguard was reading a book. I mean literally reading a book up in the chair, not even trying to fake it. The momguard would be the bomb! :)

The Nice One said...

You're hired!!!

Elisa said...

Great idea! We are so used to distractions that they don't distract us anymore. Ehm... did that make sense?

mommypie said...

So, yeah, if you ever need a little extra cash, it looks like your career as a Momguard is SOLID.

You crack me up.

CalicoDaisy said...

Absolutely! Sounds like me. I'd pay you. -- Michele

Ann said...

This sounds like what I do already.
(Only there's no pay.)
I'm one of those moms that says 'Sure I'll watch your kids.' Only to realize that I'm the only mom watching and the rest are at the pool-side bar!
I need to start loading up my water bottle with a bit of 'mommies juice box'.
It's the end of summer! You'd think I would have caught on by now.

just a girl... said...

that first part is so true. Mine is 13 and is juggling 5.

BusyDad said...

You franchise that, and I am so in.

3boys247 said...

I love it! Our lifeguards are pretty good, they know all the kids by name and arent afraid to blow the whistle.

I love the mom lifeguard idea, then I could nap poolside or actually read my book!

Pleasing Procrasinator said...

I want you at my pool.
Oh, to be able to relax and have a drink poolside. YEA!!!

Queen Goob said...

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I so heard myself in that post!

But as the kids get older, the Momguard leans a bit toward sarcastic comments that the other mommies will giggle at.

Wendi said...

I would hire you!
Where do you come up with this stuff?
You are hysterical!

Linney Shvede said...

Can I clone you? Too many pools, not enough Sue...

Woodlandmama said...

I do this anyway. I totally keep an eye on the 12 y.o. girl from my kids' martial arts school who shows up at the bikini in stuff an adult shouldn't wear and flirts with all the college kids. She is NEVER there with her mom. That tiny bikini might not look so cute when she's 9 months pregnant!

kwr221 said...

Oh, the Momguard is Brilliant!

You could make a little extra cash (you know, for the Chardonnay, wink, wink) by conducting MomGuard training classes.

kwr221 said...

Where in PA are you? Or is that a super-top-secret location?