Right now some of you are going- "Wait - I didn't know she had a baby....."
But I did.
And it was only nine years ago. I know right?
And as of today, I've officially lost the weight already.
OMG, you're saying. How did you do that so fast.
Was it dangerous to lose it so quickly? Maybe. But when I put my mind to something I'm like a crazy person with the dedication.
"So" -you want to know - "How Can I Lose the Baby Weight in Nine Short Years?"
Well, I'm gonna tell you how....but keep in mind not everyone will have results this quick.
I call my plan, "9 Months to Put In On, 9 Years to Take it Off". Please consult your doctor before starting this program.
STEP 1. PROCRASTINATION.
"I just had a baby" is a phrase that will easily buy you a good 3 years. No need to even attempt dieting or working out in years 1-3.
STEP 2. CARB-LOADING
Do you know the best way to reduce stress during childbearing years? Yes - Goldfish. Also bagels, Honeycomb, and those pretzel nuggets that are filled with peanut butter. NEVER throw away your child's half-eaten grilled cheese. There are starving children in Africa for the love of God.
STEP 3. DRINK
Alcohol should not be factored into your calorie intake during years 1-8 on account of it is considered a mandatory nutrient for anyone with young children.
STEP 4. JOIN GYM. DO NOT ATTEND.
This is a crucial part of the 9-Year plan. While you ARE allowed to sign up, get class schedules, buy sneakers, have your ID picture taken and fork out money, DO NOT GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The longer you stay away, the easier it is.
STEP 5. THE SUCKY PART
Sometime during Year 9, usually after a routine weigh-in at the doctor's office, reality will bitch-slap you into shelling out a bazillion dollars for a personal trainer and getting it done.
So! To recap, my unique 5-part plan takes nine years and costs 1 bazillion dollars.