Monday, January 11, 2010

How I Lost The Baby Weight So Fast

Right now some of you are going- "Wait - I didn't know she had a baby....."

But  I did.

And it was only nine years ago. I know right?

And as of today, I've officially lost the weight already.



















OMG, you're saying. How did you do that so fast.

Was it dangerous to lose it so quickly? Maybe. But when I put my mind to something I'm like a crazy person with the dedication.

"So"  -you want to know -  "How Can I Lose the Baby Weight in Nine Short Years?"

Well, I'm gonna tell you how....but keep in mind not everyone will have results this quick.

I call my plan, "9 Months to Put In On, 9 Years to Take it Off". Please consult your doctor before starting this program.

STEP 1. PROCRASTINATION.

"I just had a baby" is a phrase that will easily buy you a good 3 years. No need to even attempt dieting or working out in years 1-3.


STEP 2. CARB-LOADING

Do you know the best way to reduce stress during childbearing years? Yes - Goldfish. Also bagels, Honeycomb, and those pretzel nuggets that are filled with peanut butter. NEVER throw away your child's half-eaten grilled cheese. There are starving children in Africa for the love of God.


STEP 3. DRINK

Alcohol should not be factored into your calorie intake during years 1-8 on account of it is  considered a mandatory nutrient for anyone with young children.

STEP 4.  JOIN GYM. DO NOT ATTEND.

This is a crucial part of the 9-Year plan. While you ARE allowed to sign up, get class schedules, buy sneakers, have your ID picture taken and fork out money, DO NOT GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The longer you stay away, the easier it is.

STEP 5. THE SUCKY PART

Sometime during Year 9, usually after a routine weigh-in at the doctor's office, reality will bitch-slap you into shelling out a bazillion dollars for a personal trainer and getting it done.

So! To recap, my unique 5-part plan takes nine years and costs 1 bazillion dollars.

You're welcome.

70 comments:

★ MamaKat ★ said...

Sweet! According to your plan I have 28 more months of "I just had a baby" Thanks so much!!

SueMac said...

Awesome.... I'm only 3 years late to have finished your plan..... can I start over and have the weight off by the time she graduates high school?

Wheezer said...

Crap, I'm with SueMac...three years late and I just spent my last bazillion dollars on a pair of shoes because they are all that fits anymore!

Chelle said...

That gives me 6 more years. Sweet.

My method involves just getting pregnant again. The belly stretches out that pesky belly flab into a nice firm, attractive (to pervos maybe, but attractive none-the-less) ball. Repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat until you inherit money for a tummy tuck.

McMommy said...

Professor Happy Hour,
Is this 9 years from the LAST baby? Also, what if you never lost all the weight from the 1st baby? Can you just add those years to the said 9?

Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes....

Henley on the Horn said...

I laughed out loud and read it to my husband. You just bought me several more years to stay out of the gym. I thank you.

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic said...

This is awesome! Question is can I lose my baby weight in 9 shorts years without having a child ;)

BacktoBarnwell said...

Funny but what do I know? I have yet to have a child myself. What I can relate to is the ad to the left of your blog for LMN's "The Wronged Man."

No, while I'm not black, and I don't know specifically how he was wronged, I was wronged in that it is too cold to go running to kick off my New Year's Resolution and the fact that my family is not rich enough to buy me a full body worth of implants... FML.

Paige said...

Can you adapt this plan to the childless among your readers? Beer and pizza made me fat--now what?

Ginger said...

Haha, thanks for not making me stick to the Weight Watchers resolution of this New Year! Screw that, now I get at least three more years before I have to subject myself to that nonsense. As always, thanks again, Sue!!

Swirl Girl said...

I've got a year on you (I gained the weight 10 years ago) and still look like shit. Maybe I otta carbo-load and drink a little more!

E said...

Sweet. I am going to go with your strategy...but can I call it baby weight if I haven't had a baby yet? Nor am I even remotely close to being pregnant?

Yes?

AWESOME!

Bama Girl in AZ said...

Love this post! I've got 3 more years!

Natali said...

I. Love. You.

This post is great ;-)

Frau said...

Congrats! I'm on the 15 year plan!

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gjalston said...

Yay ~ two more years to go on eating and drinking my way through life :) Thanks for the motivation!!!
P.S. You look great!

Anonymous said...

I, too, am on the 9 year plan. Whew. That was craaaazy fast. Still reeling from carb underload. And I say - NEVER EVER get rid of the alcohol. Its a must. You have to be able to ease the pain of not eating anymore. Stacey

NSGIRL said...

Well, I haven't had a baby, but I am really good at most of those! Especially the alcohol & pay for the gym & don't go - that's my favorite!! Thanks for the laugh!

Average Jill said...

It took my mom 30 years to lose her baby weight. I'm only on year 6. So I guess I have anywhere from 3 to 24 years to get it off. I'm a goal setter!

Working Mommy said...

Wow...that is really quite affordable, when you think about the long-term health benefits!!!

~WM

♥ Kathy said...

A bazillion dollars could buy a lot of chocolate...you know it's good for you ;) LOL

Mags said...

LOL...I've got plenty of time then!!!

Eyeglasses & Endzones said...

Oh I love that plan. It gives me 2 short years for my oldest and 4 short years for my youngest. So, according to you, I now have 6 years to procrastinate! Congrats to you for making it in only nine!

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

you're so skinny. i hate you.

Spot said...

What if I had my baby 16 years ago, lost weight, gained weight (repeat cycle many many times)? Can I have til he's 18 to lose all the weight?? Because I totally think that's fair. I mean people have to do Weight Watchers more than once right?

♥Spot

PS~ I gave you some blog bling (an award) on my blog yesterday.

Jen said...

This is exactly the plan that I am on.

Miss Yvonne said...

I need to get on this weight loss plan. Does it matter that I haven't had a baby? I can skip the "9 months" part, right?

Sunday said...

I am so glad to know that the alcohol portion of the diet is until all the children are over the age of 8...that means I have 4 more years to go! WOOHOO!

MommyTime said...

So, do you count the nine years from the birth of your FIRST child or your FINAL one? And if you (accidentally) get pregnant again, does the clock start over? I'm just checking because I've already joined the gym I don't attend, but I'm worried that I've jumped the gun and should still be in carbo-load mode. (The wine I have covered.) Thanks for the great directions.

Susan from Pa said...

Look at you...you look amazing!!! And I am lucky enough to see your skinny self in real life. You did it! Congrats! Now burn some calories and take down your Christmas tree! 12 year old ratted you out!

Lipstick said...

well you look fabulous! nine year plan works. I think you should buy some shares in the gym though...you know, to profit from everyone else's nine year plan.

Loveable Loser said...

Congrats Sue on many levels.

1. You look fabulous

2. Keeping the tree up...worst day of the New Year is tree pick up day when all the Christmas trees are at the end of the driveway tree pick up day...I still well up a little when that day comes.

3. The fact Hubby got the snip means no additional 9 years!

Jaci said...

What is up with those sneaky, fat loaded peanut butter pretzel nuggets?!? I bought them for a work "snack", and at my next OB check in I gained 6 pounds in 5 weeks.

Holy mother of God.

You look fabulous! Congrats on the weight loss! (Yes, I am jealous.)

TheRixonFive said...

okay ... so according to your plan, I am RIGHT ON SCHEDULE with everything. Right down to those dang pretzel nuggets. Thanks for the support. It's just. so. hard. to live this way!

randomblogette said...

Awesome! So I have 4 and a half years left on my diet. I am super psyched right now! By the way, you do look amazing! Congrats on your weight loss.

choochoo said...

Yay, I am on the right track to lose the pregnancy weight and I have never been preggo. Sweet!

Dr. Mom said...

Is that nine years from the first child or the last? Hmmmm, my oldest is nine, been thinking about that personal trainer...just got to find that bazillion dollars. Where did I leave that?

Too funny!

Val said...

Can't I just buy a girdle and say I'm done?

Bar-b said...

I have never drank more in all of my life than after I had kids. God, that sentence sucked and really had no place here. *holds hand to her ear mic* annnnnd we're back...

Anyhow, great success on your plan. Jared, I say you go out and pontificate. Make some believers out of your miracle weight loss. You look hot!

Oh and please count this as my delurker post.

Elisa said...

According to that plan, I have another 5 1/2 years to go. And I haven't even drunk that much.

Except I never lost the weight from the first baby, because I had #2 before the 9 years were up. Is there an optional step for special circumstances?

Yum Yucky said...

I've got 4 spawns. So that's 4 times 9 years each = 36 years. And that's how old I am too. So I have another lifetime of living to loose it. Right?

did I add that up right??

A Real Housewife said...

hahaha, great plan! can't wait to look forward to 9 years of bliss.

Tenakim said...

so I have 5 years before the pressure's on to look hot like you... got it.

Melissa said...

OMG you just made my day! YOu are too funny! thanks! My twins are almost a year old-so I am still in the 'just had a baby (ies) excuse :)

Travelbug Mom said...

ummm having a problem with the NOT DRINKING....10 years since last baby - 35lbs. to go and counting!

boo@NFL Draft said...

Hi, first of all, congratulations on keeping up your weight loss!
U said i agree very much.But i can't do !

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