But I did.
And it was only nine years ago. I know right?
And as of today, I've officially lost the weight already.
OMG, you're saying. How did you do that so fast.
Was it dangerous to lose it so quickly? Maybe. But when I put my mind to something I'm like a crazy person with the dedication.
"So" -you want to know - "How Can I Lose the Baby Weight in Nine Short Years?"
Well, I'm gonna tell you how....but keep in mind not everyone will have results this quick.
I call my plan, "9 Months to Put In On, 9 Years to Take it Off". Please consult your doctor before starting this program.
STEP 1. PROCRASTINATION.
"I just had a baby" is a phrase that will easily buy you a good 3 years. No need to even attempt dieting or working out in years 1-3.
STEP 2. CARB-LOADING
Do you know the best way to reduce stress during childbearing years? Yes - Goldfish. Also bagels, Honeycomb, and those pretzel nuggets that are filled with peanut butter. NEVER throw away your child's half-eaten grilled cheese. There are starving children in Africa for the love of God.
STEP 3. DRINK
Alcohol should not be factored into your calorie intake during years 1-8 on account of it is considered a mandatory nutrient for anyone with young children.
STEP 4. JOIN GYM. DO NOT ATTEND.
This is a crucial part of the 9-Year plan. While you ARE allowed to sign up, get class schedules, buy sneakers, have your ID picture taken and fork out money, DO NOT GO UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. The longer you stay away, the easier it is.
STEP 5. THE SUCKY PART
Sometime during Year 9, usually after a routine weigh-in at the doctor's office, reality will bitch-slap you into shelling out a bazillion dollars for a personal trainer and getting it done.
So! To recap, my unique 5-part plan takes nine years and costs 1 bazillion dollars.
You're welcome.
66 comments:
Sweet! According to your plan I have 28 more months of "I just had a baby" Thanks so much!!
Awesome.... I'm only 3 years late to have finished your plan..... can I start over and have the weight off by the time she graduates high school?
Crap, I'm with SueMac...three years late and I just spent my last bazillion dollars on a pair of shoes because they are all that fits anymore!
That gives me 6 more years. Sweet.
My method involves just getting pregnant again. The belly stretches out that pesky belly flab into a nice firm, attractive (to pervos maybe, but attractive none-the-less) ball. Repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat until you inherit money for a tummy tuck.
Professor Happy Hour,
Is this 9 years from the LAST baby? Also, what if you never lost all the weight from the 1st baby? Can you just add those years to the said 9?
Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes....
I laughed out loud and read it to my husband. You just bought me several more years to stay out of the gym. I thank you.
This is awesome! Question is can I lose my baby weight in 9 shorts years without having a child ;)
Funny but what do I know? I have yet to have a child myself. What I can relate to is the ad to the left of your blog for LMN's "The Wronged Man."
No, while I'm not black, and I don't know specifically how he was wronged, I was wronged in that it is too cold to go running to kick off my New Year's Resolution and the fact that my family is not rich enough to buy me a full body worth of implants... FML.
Can you adapt this plan to the childless among your readers? Beer and pizza made me fat--now what?
Haha, thanks for not making me stick to the Weight Watchers resolution of this New Year! Screw that, now I get at least three more years before I have to subject myself to that nonsense. As always, thanks again, Sue!!
I've got a year on you (I gained the weight 10 years ago) and still look like shit. Maybe I otta carbo-load and drink a little more!
Sweet. I am going to go with your strategy...but can I call it baby weight if I haven't had a baby yet? Nor am I even remotely close to being pregnant?
Yes?
AWESOME!
Love this post! I've got 3 more years!
I. Love. You.
This post is great ;-)
Congrats! I'm on the 15 year plan!
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Yay ~ two more years to go on eating and drinking my way through life :) Thanks for the motivation!!!
P.S. You look great!
I, too, am on the 9 year plan. Whew. That was craaaazy fast. Still reeling from carb underload. And I say - NEVER EVER get rid of the alcohol. Its a must. You have to be able to ease the pain of not eating anymore. Stacey
Well, I haven't had a baby, but I am really good at most of those! Especially the alcohol & pay for the gym & don't go - that's my favorite!! Thanks for the laugh!
It took my mom 30 years to lose her baby weight. I'm only on year 6. So I guess I have anywhere from 3 to 24 years to get it off. I'm a goal setter!
Wow...that is really quite affordable, when you think about the long-term health benefits!!!
~WM
A bazillion dollars could buy a lot of chocolate...you know it's good for you ;) LOL
LOL...I've got plenty of time then!!!
Oh I love that plan. It gives me 2 short years for my oldest and 4 short years for my youngest. So, according to you, I now have 6 years to procrastinate! Congrats to you for making it in only nine!
What if I had my baby 16 years ago, lost weight, gained weight (repeat cycle many many times)? Can I have til he's 18 to lose all the weight?? Because I totally think that's fair. I mean people have to do Weight Watchers more than once right?
♥Spot
PS~ I gave you some blog bling (an award) on my blog yesterday.
This is exactly the plan that I am on.
I need to get on this weight loss plan. Does it matter that I haven't had a baby? I can skip the "9 months" part, right?
I am so glad to know that the alcohol portion of the diet is until all the children are over the age of 8...that means I have 4 more years to go! WOOHOO!
So, do you count the nine years from the birth of your FIRST child or your FINAL one? And if you (accidentally) get pregnant again, does the clock start over? I'm just checking because I've already joined the gym I don't attend, but I'm worried that I've jumped the gun and should still be in carbo-load mode. (The wine I have covered.) Thanks for the great directions.
Look at you...you look amazing!!! And I am lucky enough to see your skinny self in real life. You did it! Congrats! Now burn some calories and take down your Christmas tree! 12 year old ratted you out!
well you look fabulous! nine year plan works. I think you should buy some shares in the gym though...you know, to profit from everyone else's nine year plan.
Congrats Sue on many levels.
1. You look fabulous
2. Keeping the tree up...worst day of the New Year is tree pick up day when all the Christmas trees are at the end of the driveway tree pick up day...I still well up a little when that day comes.
3. The fact Hubby got the snip means no additional 9 years!
What is up with those sneaky, fat loaded peanut butter pretzel nuggets?!? I bought them for a work "snack", and at my next OB check in I gained 6 pounds in 5 weeks.
Holy mother of God.
You look fabulous! Congrats on the weight loss! (Yes, I am jealous.)
okay ... so according to your plan, I am RIGHT ON SCHEDULE with everything. Right down to those dang pretzel nuggets. Thanks for the support. It's just. so. hard. to live this way!
Awesome! So I have 4 and a half years left on my diet. I am super psyched right now! By the way, you do look amazing! Congrats on your weight loss.
Yay, I am on the right track to lose the pregnancy weight and I have never been preggo. Sweet!
Is that nine years from the first child or the last? Hmmmm, my oldest is nine, been thinking about that personal trainer...just got to find that bazillion dollars. Where did I leave that?
Too funny!
Can't I just buy a girdle and say I'm done?
I have never drank more in all of my life than after I had kids. God, that sentence sucked and really had no place here. *holds hand to her ear mic* annnnnd we're back...
Anyhow, great success on your plan. Jared, I say you go out and pontificate. Make some believers out of your miracle weight loss. You look hot!
Oh and please count this as my delurker post.
According to that plan, I have another 5 1/2 years to go. And I haven't even drunk that much.
Except I never lost the weight from the first baby, because I had #2 before the 9 years were up. Is there an optional step for special circumstances?
I've got 4 spawns. So that's 4 times 9 years each = 36 years. And that's how old I am too. So I have another lifetime of living to loose it. Right?
did I add that up right??
hahaha, great plan! can't wait to look forward to 9 years of bliss.
so I have 5 years before the pressure's on to look hot like you... got it.
OMG you just made my day! YOu are too funny! thanks! My twins are almost a year old-so I am still in the 'just had a baby (ies) excuse :)
ummm having a problem with the NOT DRINKING....10 years since last baby - 35lbs. to go and counting!
Hi, first of all, congratulations on keeping up your weight loss!
U said i agree very much.But i can't do !
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домашняя страница проститутки, http://zenticas.edu.ms/ индивидуалки молодые, http://zenticas.edu.ms/map.html метро парк победы проститутки, http://zenticas.edu.ms/page-2.html дешовые проститутки г москвы, http://zenticas.edu.ms/devushki-po-vyzovu-v-uzhno-sahalinske.html девушки по вызову в южно сахалинске, http://zenticas.edu.ms/page-4.html волгоград девушки vip проститутки, http://gimersa1.edu.ms/ индивидуалки москвы и санкт петербурга, http://gimersa1.edu.ms/map.html проститутки на дом, http://gimersa1.edu.ms/page-2.html вологда проститутки фото, http://gimersa1.edu.ms/deshevye-prostitutki-barnaula.html дешевые проститутки барнаула, http://gimersa1.edu.ms/page-4.html бургас проститутки где найти, http://gimersa10.edu.ms/ проститутки москва красные ворота, http://gimersa10.edu.ms/map.html индивидуалки перми секс минет, http://gimersa10.edu.ms/vzroslye-prostitutki-s-video.html взрослые проститутки с видео, http://gimersa10.edu.ms/page-3.html проститутки скрытой камерой фото, http://gimersa10.edu.ms/page-4.html
индивидуалки г екатеринбург, http://gimersa2.edu.ms/ г куровское досуг интим, http://gimersa2.edu.ms/map.html проститутка Меланья, http://gimersa2.edu.ms/page-2.html проститутки на вокзале, http://gimersa2.edu.ms/page-3.html проститутки г конаково, http://gimersa2.edu.ms/kislovodsk-sauny-putany-gde-i-kak-ih-nayti.html кисловодск сауны путаны где и как их найти, http://gimersa3.edu.ms/ где искать проституток в москве, http://gimersa3.edu.ms/map.html проститутки метро профсоюзная, http://gimersa3.edu.ms/page-2.html индивидуалки страпон, http://gimersa3.edu.ms/page-3.html интим в москве индивидуалки щлковская, http://gimersa3.edu.ms/page-4.html улицы проституток нижний новгород, http://gimersa4.edu.ms/ праститутки архангельск, http://gimersa4.edu.ms/map.html интим досуг проститутки на час, http://gimersa4.edu.ms/prostitutki-bez-platnye.html проститутки без платные, http://gimersa4.edu.ms/vip-prostitutki-ekaterinburga.html вип проститутки екатеринбурга, http://gimersa4.edu.ms/individualki-g-ekaterinburg.html
девушки по вызову благовещенск, http://gimersa5.edu.ms/ проститутки Трёхгорный, http://gimersa5.edu.ms/map.html девушки по вызову в анталье, http://gimersa5.edu.ms/page-2.html петербург индивидуалки расценки, http://gimersa5.edu.ms/page-3.html девушки по вызову в дрибине в могилвской области, http://gimersa5.edu.ms/page-4.html вологда путаны, http://gimersa6.edu.ms/ самые дешевые шлюхи проститутки, http://gimersa6.edu.ms/map.html архангельские девушки по вызову, http://gimersa6.edu.ms/intim-za-dengi-v-tveri.html интим за деньги в твери, http://gimersa6.edu.ms/page-3.html реальные индивидуалки с пирсингом, http://gimersa6.edu.ms/page-4.html проститутки метро ясенево, http://gimersa7.edu.ms/ проститутка Нина, http://gimersa7.edu.ms/map.html индивидуалки на васильевском, http://gimersa7.edu.ms/page-2.html неэлитные индивидуалки питера, http://gimersa7.edu.ms/page-3.html девушки по вызову киров, http://gimersa7.edu.ms/devushki-po-vyzovu-blagoveschensk.html
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