Monday, November 9, 2009

The One Where The Kid Walks In On Us



Holy Mother of God.

I really never thought this day would come.

We've been locking the bedroom door for 13 years.

THIRTEEN YEARS, people.......Thirteen years that, while rife with interruptions ("Mom? Mommy? Mom? Where are you? Mom? Mom! MOM!!").......have never experienced a security breach. Until Saturday.

This? was a security fail of epic proportions.

Apparently my husband in his - retardation enthusiasm  - turned the lock in the door handle but didn't shut it completely so the latch never engaged.

Fast forward to Repertoire Move #4.5, Stage II and cue 9 year old.......in full bust-in mode - no knock, just BAM! -door open -

and the next 20 seconds are a jumble in my mind  - I know I yelled "JEEEEZUSSS!!!!!" and flew off the bed knocking my husband backwards with a Neo from The Matrix sideways slo-mo dive only without guns. And naked.

The 9 year old ducks back out trying to process the image that is now seared into her brain for all eternity, while I do the only logical thing, which is to repeatedly punch my husband in the shoulder screaming "ASShole!"

So now the world as we know it has ended, my daughter is struggling with all the possible meanings of what she saw, I'm frantically trying to come up with explanations - We were kissing??? We were wrestling???? Daddy was helping me apply self-tanner???.....

and my husband, because I can always count on him to lead this family in moments of crisis, says,

"So....... can we keep going?"

66 comments:

marymac said...

High-larious!
With four kids range 15-4 we have been shockingly lucky in the walk-in department.. a few close calls (questions about noise...) have been dealt with using the 'Daddy is giving mommy a backrub' story. Of course, the other day my 4 year old son said "When I grow up I am going to give you backrubs like Daddy does!"
Paging Dr. Oedipus...

Cheryl said...

LMFAO!
Except now I'm having flashbacks to when I walked in on my parents. Off to gouge my eyes out -

Momma Bird said...

HOLY CRAP!! I am dying just thinking about it!

BusyDad said...

Well, look on the bright side... your child will never open a door ever again without knocking. Or rather, she'll never open a door ever again. Period.

Smoochiefrog said...

That is freaking hilarious! BTDT though. :)

Tenakim said...

oh the poor dear- catching mom and dad "wrestling' as we say- that's really a life changing experience.

Terri said...

CLASSIC! It's bound to happen, right? You had a pretty good run...13 years....I bet you'll take door-locking on as your own pet project now! =)

The Mom Jen said...

Can you teach me that Matrix move...you know just in case that happens to me?

kmoye said...

OMG!
Thank God I've been doing my kegel exercises like a good little post two babies mommy should because otherwise i am positive I would have peed on myself. I laughed so hard reading this. i also mentally noted that I should always, always double check the door.
so funny!

Eunice said...

I walked in on my parents when I was 21. Yea... it doesn't matter how old you are. In fact, I think it's worse when you're older. Gaahhh!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

That is HILARIOUS!

Good thing those MATRIX moves came in handy!

This is one of my biggest fears...getting CAUGHT! Yup Checking the doors is my thing because I know the Hubby could care less.

ciara said...

my girls used to barge into my room so i started locking it. they know not to enter unless they knock and we answer. man, i don't know what would happen if they saw me & hubs going at it. this story does remind me of the time my youngest girl found ummm a purple toy. she picked it up and said, 'oh, cool...' i freaked out and got a little upset w her which was not the thing to do, but too late, i made her cry. i would have handled it differently. :0/

Bren said...

Yikes! I walked in on my parents (well they hadn't expected anyone to come home and left the door open) when I was like 23. It stays with you FOREVER! Hopefully since she is so young it will eventually be forgotten!

stefanie said...

Nothing makes an adult gathering more fun than sharing our "the day we saw our parents having sex" stories. At least she's got that going for her.

That made me laugh until my abs hurt.

Swirl Girl said...

Holy Shit!!

just think of this as an entree to 'the talk'.

she's probably so mortified that she won't even bring it up.

you are right about the forever etched on her brain though...I walked in my parents doing it doggy style 35 years ago and to this day - - I can't have a pet.

Merrie said...

O. M. G.
Is it wrong that I'm hysterically laughing? I think I can laugh because it hasn't happened to us yet. The lock has always been enabled and saved our hides. Inevitably, someday, we will face the horror. Here's hoping your daughter recovers.

elle said...

OMG, this made me laugh so hard... only because we've come so close to this too many times!! We don't have a lock on our door!

I'm sooo bookmarking this blog!

Moops said...

So yeah. Congrats on the 13 years! My son walked in on me and the hubby at four years old! And I still hear "What's Daddy doing to you Mommy?" in my nightmares. Make the lambs stop screaming!

Anonymous said...

Ever have your Mom walk in on you?

Jillian said...

Oh! Oh no. Oh...ahahahahahhaha. ahahhahahah.

Shaggs said...

We had a walk in one morning - well actually a "toddle in" when the 18 month found her way into our room. All my husband can remember is feeling little hands on his feet and we both heard a little "yuck!" (proudly one of her first words) as she was about a ruler length away from ground zero. Must go now, its time to pick her up from the psychiatrist and get her off to the hypnotherapist.....

April said...

OH NOOOOOO!!!! Laughing my ass off, but I am blushing for you!! I am speechless. I would go with the wrestling story ... hee, hee!

Katie said...

Have mercy. That's hilarity.

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Oh....been there! but mine was WAY younger and had no clue. Thankfully.

This really was funny....thanks for the laugh tonight.

Travelbug Mom said...

I am laughing so hard, tears are coming down my face!

Jen said...

I know that my moment will come someday too. But this was just so funny. LOL!

Stephenie said...

Oh my GAWD!!!! I think I peed my pants laughing so hard, my belly hurts! Wow, that is one of my fears, the big one (8 year old) will walk in on us. I will have to remember this next time hubby and I decide to knock boots. Wow, I really needed this. Sorry it was at your expense!

bloggerprotectionprogram said...

TYPICAL male! That's all I can say about that.

Jules said...

I swear I'm not laughing AT you, but I am laughing. hard.

* TONYA * said...

The visuals. Hilarious.

I remember using the 'wrestling' line on my eldest when he walked in on us when he was 6. Good grief.

Smart A$$ Mom said...

I never plug post, but this happened to me a few months ago...

http://www.smartassmom.com/2008/12/boom-boom-room.html

Spot said...

Thankfully, we have managed to get through 19 years with no walk-ins. Unfortunately, they are now all teenagers and I refuse to do "it" when they are home or I know they're awake because they will know what we are doing. And I don't want to scar them for life.

I was laughing hysterically at your post though. I would have had the same punching/asshole yelling reaction you had. Exactly.

♥Spot

kys said...

OMG. Of course he said that.

Miss Yvonne said...

This happened to me when my stepdaughter was about 12. I threw the covers over myself and my husband just sat there looking at her blankly. It was awful. It's been 6 years and now it's hilarious...so you at least have that to look forward to.

I'm totally linking to you over my blog because this story is just too awesome not to share.

Megan said...

OMG! This happened to us the other day too! Just replace it with a 6yr old and more cussing and the word "Boner Shrinker" and you described our story!

Carri said...

OMG too funny. We have had little intruders. Sadly they did not learn to knock before entering for the next time but we have become more aware of the lock on our door. Of course it doesnt keep curious kids from sitting waiting on the other side of the door. Got to love kids.

Candice said...

Is there any possible way you could slip your 9 yr old some GHB? ;)

Liz said...

The best part is your husband's response.....EXACTLY what my hubby would say!

diane said...

Men are stupid, end of story.

Found you through Miss Yvonne's shout out. Hope the 9 year old is o.k.

Jen said...

I would laugh at this story but I'm too scared of karma. Note to self: Purchase better locks for our bedroom door and make sure they are always properly employed at all times.

snugs said...

OMG, this is too funny..my daughter walked in when hubby was below my waist,I told her "daddy was looking for something"..it's been almost 20 years and she loves to embarrass me with that story to this day!

Zoe Right said...

There just is no good explaination! Good luck!

Schmoochiepoo said...

Holy cow!!! Thanks for laugh!

Frau said...

OMG!Sorry too funny!!!

Jules said...

I don't have kids, but I'm pretty sure the "helping to apply self tanner" is plausible.

Little Ms Blogger said...

How about saying you were practicing your WWE moves and start watching that for the next few weeks on t.v..

Found you through Miss Yvonne. Very funny....well, for me.....

trifitmom said...

oh PLEASE keep us posted on the fall out....

Kurt said...

Your husband just didn't want to be a quitter. Nobody likes a quitter. Certainly no one likes to screw one.

gmanis said...

so... your husband was helping you apply self-tanner? yea... that would be a hard position to explain to your 9 year old. what about yoga... did you try that explanation?

Oops.

very funny blog!

Cathie said...

It happened to me and the child ( she was 2 and is now 9) asked me what daddy was doing to me. My immediate response was keeping me warm. She said mommy, then you need to wear pajamas like me and you won't be cold.

Dezzy Lou Where Are You said...

I used to call it "rubbing" when I saw it on tv- so much more horrifying when you see your own parents doing it, though!

Sweetsheila said...

This happened to me this year too. My daughter is 11 and she had snuck into my room in the middle of the night and fell asleep on the floor next to my bed. The next morning... (my husband's b-day) I was giving him his "present" when we realized she was on the floor. We aren't sure how much she saw or heard, but she always knocked on our door after that. I still puke a little in my mouth every time I think of it.

Lipstick said...

Mr. Lipstick and I cannot stop laughing!!!!

Susie Q said...

I'm about ready to wet my pants after reading this! Too damned funny! And your husband's comment - oh Lord have mercy on him!

Having no children, we don't have these "issues" - but I do vaguely remember busting into my parents room one stormy dark night and couldn't really figure out what was going on...........must have been too little. But I am one of 8 siblings.....so obviously there was a LOT going on! Ewwwwwwww

sexgrinch said...

hahaha! OMG, we almost got caught tonight. ALMOST. But my DD is 2. She wouldn't have cared *quite* so much.

Oh boy do I ever remember the first time I caught my mother. *Shudders*

You better get that poor girl some therapy!

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Holy shit that's some funny stuff...until it happens to me.

Carrie B said...

OMG! So funny!
And so typical of the husband to "keep going" LOL

Cara Starr @ JohnsonManorisms said...

I heard this woman explain it to her kid as "sometimes, adults who are married wrestle naked." But i think she was explaining to like, a 2 year old so... I dunno dewd. It was almost time for the talk right?

TashtheSlash said...

So, I read this yesterday. So funny! And then it happened to me, last night. Gah!!

Bad Christy said...

At least you weren't giving him a BJ... that one is MUCH harder to explain.

SueMac said...

I guess I'm lucky the time our girl walked in on us she was running to the bathroom to throw up! She didn't see a thing, had no idea what was going on!

Elisa, The Unlikely Housewife said...

oh yikes. That poor child. I walked in on my parents and the image is still impressed in my mind. Yuck.

Not helping, am I?

Loukia said...

Oh my God... hilarious!!! And horrific!!!!

ama said...

Very Funny-I think this has happened to everyone at one point or another. When my daughter was about 2 she walked in our room and said, "Momma, get shirt on, Jeez" and walked out shaking her head. It was funny at the time and my husband said almost the same thing, "Aren't we gonna finish this up?"

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOSH. I just laugh out loud (lol for real) at work... in my hotels lobby!

Tracy said...

Hilarious! I'm not sure which is funnier--your kid's reaction or your husband's response. so typical of men...we're devestated by what our child just witnessed and the man wants to climax!