Thursday, October 22, 2009

GPS System Seeks New Owner










You know how it sucks to have a boss that's a know-it-all retard and never listens to your suggestions?

That's how my car GPS feels about me.

GPS: "In about 1 mile, bear right onto...US...Route 1 South."
Me: That makes no sense.
GPS: "In about 500 feet..bear right onto US...Route 1 South."
Me: Screw that.
GPS: "Please bear right."
Me: Shut up.
GPS: "Please make a legal U-turn, if possible."
Me: Just relax. I know what I'm doing.
GPS: (auto re-routing) "Christ."
Me: WHAT??!!!
GPS: "I said "Christ". Now I have to freakin' re-route you AGAIN."
Me: I've lived here for 3 years. This is NOT the quickest way to the mall.
GPS: "My brain is a digital map of the entire country based on a satellite in SPACE. Bitch."
Me: Your MOTHER is a satellite.
GPS: "Please turn right."
Me: What?
GPS: "There's a gym up here. You need that more than the mall."
Me: Brrrring! Hello? It's for you: It's Al Gore: he wants his personality back.
GPS: "1992 called: it wants its haircut back."
Me: Google Earth wants you to stop stalking him on Facebook.
GPS: "You have arrived at your destination."
Me: What?
GPS: "Right there - Weight Watchers of Chester County."
Me: BodylessAnnoyingDouchebagSaysWhat?
GPS: "What?"
Me: Ha.      Where the f*ck am I.

42 comments:

kmoye said...

THAT is hilarious! Seriously I laughed out loud! and I may have snorted. maybe.

Ashlee said...

LOL! oh my god! I refuse to have a GPS. I would much rather get lost old school style with mapquest :)

Stereos and Souffles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stereos and Souffles said...

Hmm, I think I'll just stick with a map. They don't talk back.

And now I'm a poet...

McMommy said...

Whatever I said was your funniest post ever before? Well, I lied.

THIS IS YOUR FUNNIEST POST EVER!!

The Fritz Facts said...

Oh man, I laughed out loud in the office. It was HILARIOUS!

the sweetest girl you know said...

Love it! You are one funny lady. I love starting my day with a good laugh!

Shelley said...

Ok, I had to stop at "Your MOTHER is a satellite" and compose myself. I would love to argue with a GPS. But it would eventually win, because I am directionally challenged like you wouldn't believe.

Terri said...

Hilarious...I love that Odont have some crazy lady in my car telling me where to go. Who says technology is a good thing?

Keyona said...

"BodylessAnnoyingDouchebagSaysWhat" Really? Hilarious!

Jules said...

you're so funny! I do this saaame thing.

Erin said...

OMG, that has got to be the funniest thing I have ever read! Seriously!

Amy Amy Bo Bamey said...

That was good....I guess it's time to re-gift it this holiday season :)

jamie said...

Great, great stuff---so glad to have re-found you!

Kurt said...

The best thing about my GPS is it's all pretend and in my head. I say things like "Go to the house of the Handsomest Man in History" and then I drive home. Win/Win.

Kathy said...

I knew it! I'm not the only one! I told my boyfriend that the lady in the GPS gives me attitude when she has to "re-route". So effin funny.

Julia said...

Hysterical! She was sooo full of herself.

Did you know you can change the voice? We fired our GPS lady and hired "Liam" with the Aussie accent. He's so cool.

Thanks for the laugh!

Miss Yvonne said...

I will never have a GPS because I'm convinced it will take over my car like that computer in that 2001 space movie and I'll end up crashing into a fast food restaurant and I'll be all "My GPS did it!!" as they haul me away in handcuffs.

shannon said...

it's quite possible that you're the funniest woman alive. props.

SueMac said...

Thank you...... how do you know when I REALLY need a laugh??? Can you read my mind??

Swirl Girl said...

Thanks for making my Venti Drip come back out my nostrils...

this was HYSTERICAL!!

I Am Boymom said...

I like Kurt's idea! You are hilarious, Sue. By the way...the ice cream truck guy sent me an email asking me to do a blog post on him after I left a comment on your post! I wonder if ice cream truck drivers use GPS and if the GPS lady gets all snarky with them about watching out for all the kids!?

Krista said...

ohmygosh I just nearly spit my water all over my desk. This is hilarious! I may actually print this out & hang it up in my car so I can think of you ever time I ignore my GPS. LOVE IT!

Spot said...

This was the funniest thing I read today. Exactly why I don't have a GPS! I don't need anything else giving me attitude.

♥Spot

Southern Gal said...

Hahaha - makes me glad I DON'T have GPS!

kys said...

Too funny! My GPS and I have some bad days too. I do home health and it gets very frustrated with my wrong turns.

Liz said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Paige said...

I have the same type of convos with mine. She is a bossy broad

Carrie B said...

LOL! Thanks for a great start to the weekend.

Life, Love And Lola said...

LMAO! Great post!!!!

Meg said...

I hate my GPS, too! Its always telling me to go somewhere I know is wrong.

highlyirritable said...

My GPS called me a bitch last week, I swear. And it was in the "British Female" voice. I switched it to "Mandarin Male", so at least now when he curses me out, I can't tell what the hell he's saying.

texasholly said...

Seriously genius.

Mommas Soapbox said...

I think my GPS is your GPS's sister.

I'm directionally challenged at times but sometimes I can hear the irritation in "Garmies" voice.

I named her "Garmie" I'm not above shouting ......in my time of stress......
"I FLIPPIN HEARD YOU GARMIE TAKE A PILL!"...
It's usually when I'm searching for the first legal(or illegal) U-turn and she is too busy recalculating my route!

Great post!

Jackie D'Amato-Reitnauer said...

Our GPS is named Shirley, and she is endlessly annoying (except for when you're really lost). Most times if we know where we're going for part of the trip, we just silence her by turning the volume down ;)

Thanks for the laugh!

Momma Bird said...

That was hilarious!! You are so funny. :)

Amy said...

Ok. You're hysterical. And you live in Chester County? WHY do we not know each other? That seems wrong somehow.

Jen said...

You crack me up! I've always thought the GPS lady sounded like a b*%ch. You've now confirmed my theory!

atiredwife said...

Ha Ha *snort* ha ha ha ha!

Those of us with GPS devices have all been there!

Lisa-licious said...

OK, now that is the "beyond funny" stuff you should have saved for a book!!!! So flippin' funny! If you get your Iphone, you can throw your GPS out the car window at a high speed. Also, my Iphone tells me when there are traffic jams ahead. Really annoying when it's a jam between wherever my car is and the nearest Krispy Kreme...

Daddy Geek Boy said...

As a geeky gadget lovin' guy, I should have a better relationship with GPS than I do. However, it's screwed me over one too many times (the last time taking me on a 2 hour detour up a volcano) for me to trust it.

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