Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Terrorist Do's and Don'ts

Listen. There is nothing funny about terrorist threats.

And today on the front page of Fox News (Yes, Fox News: Because, as I've told you, I need immediate notification of A) security threats and B) women who deliver babies into their sweatpants ) they reported that Baitullah Mehsud, commander of the Taliban in Pakistan, has declared that he is going to mastermind an attack on Washington "that will amaze the world".

As I said, not funny.

But. THIS is the picture they ran with the article.

I promise this is not an April Fools post.


Um....where to begin.

Baitullah, Baitullah, Baitullah....

WHEN THREATENING THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE WORLD:


DO: Spend a little extra on a good conditioner. If your curls aren't shiny and bouncy, you'll just come off looking like a rastafarian poodle.

DON'T: Rock a tired old "bad guy" bandana. It screams 'amatuer' and just reminds us of Michael Jackson.

DON'T: Wear a hat that looks like an apple pie. In fact, all pastry-themed headgear is decidedly unscary.


Yanni hair-havin', Mrs. Smith's apple pie hat-wearin', cartoon bank-robber scarf-rockin' mofo...

52 comments:

Marinka said...

It's like he's auditioning for Queer Eye for the Straight Jihadist.

Jackie said...

Nooooo not Washington! Boo!

LuLu said...

I say apple pie mixed with some type of delicate mushroom:)

C ♥ said...

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

that is all.

Cassie said...

Is it just me or does he look like Ben Stiller in a bad wig and apple pie hat ?

Angie's Spot said...

OMG, my husband & I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. This is definitely making my "best of the week" post this weekend.

Miss Yvonne said...

He looks like a Johnny Depp pirate reject. Arrrgggghh maties!

Shannon said...

Cassie: I thought it looked a little like Daniel Day-Lewis! HA!

Jen said...

why do guys get to have all the good curls.

Lipstick said...

LMAO!!!! especially about the apple pie hat. Dumbass probably thinks he looks cool.

kmoye said...

is it me or does that guy look like Ben Stiller with a weird wig?

Cathie said...

OMG! Your comments are hilarious!

Joan Novark said...

Is that Cat Stevens?

Caffeine Court said...

If this dude sits next to me on a plane...I'm so outta there!!!

Heather said...

As someone who is actually named Mrs. Smith, I'd like to point out that my pies are much more chic and fashionable, not to mention scads more delicious than the pathetic, lumpy-crusted attempt at a "couture confection" Mr. No, Really, I'm a Scary Terrorist Dude's got going on up there.

Just sayin' ...

Kristen said...

That was freakin hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

Scandalous Housewife said...

I was thinking the hat was more tattered Raggedy Andy

3 Peanuts said...

I agree with Cassie...he does resemble Ben Stiller:)

Swirl Girl said...

Sue- this is THE BEST ever. You should forward it to The Daily Show. I could see Jon Stewart repeating it verbatim.

and Marinka- LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Bama Girl in AZ said...

You are super funny! I am new to your blog and loving it!

CJ Sime said...

apple pie hat! LOL

Thanks for the smile!

Anonymous said...

Add in some "Grecian Formula" to cover the greys, and he can go from "terrorista" to "fashionista"! Bring it on, stinky Sasquatch! "ALLAH be waitin' for you with my Smith and Wesson, as I am one of those who 'clings to my God and my guns!'"

Jen said...

Washington as in Forks?? No need to worry then. The Cullens will protect us from any and all terrorists threats.

Washington as in DC?? We're all screwed.

SweetPeaSurry said...

he he he ... my eyes are crying from laughing so hard. That last statment is PRICELESS!

Barefoot in the Park said...

bwhahaha ...

i wonder if they'll pick up your column in jihadist glamour?

♥ Kathy said...

LOL the hat DOES look like an apple pie...weird...

The B Family said...

Don't think I've ever left you a comment. This is your funniest yet.
Christina

Bad Christy said...

Only you could find humor in the attire of a terrorist! Thank you!

Lyn said...

Dangit somebody already asked if it was Cat Stevens. I wanted to ask that. Dangit.

This guy - didn't he get the message? The war on terror is over. Obama said so.

In the meantime after the Obama election, and the Obama stimulus plan, and the Obama takeover of banking and the auto industry...well I just don't think there's anything else to do to wreck Washington DC. Obama kinda did a preemptive strike thing. Nothing left.

michelle said...

" like a rastafarian poodle."

Is the Guard Poodle interested in updating his look? I would suspect he had better tasted than that!

Bren said...

Thanks for a good laugh!

Susie Q said...

Marinka.....coffee on the computer monitor...thanks!

Former Fat Chick said...

Is that Ben Stiller dressed up as Huckleberry Pie! haaaaaaaaahaha

Brittany said...

Dude, he looks like a pirate.

Like, the Jack Sparrow of terrorists.

Dejoni said...

You would think with all that terroist money they could AT LEAST dress nice and have a trim every now and then...gansta it up a little.

Mama Dawg said...

That hat reminds me of the creepy guy from the Strawberry Shortcake show.

Mama Dawg said...

The Pie Guy:

http://www.strawberry-shortcake.net/CollectorsInfo/Vintage/First/purplepieman.JPG

Anonymous said...

Sue...come on now...did you stop coloring your hair? Sorry, cheap shot.

April Fool's right?

If not...maybe this Pirate was delivered into sweatpants or is from Somalia?

Bee and Rose said...

Apple pie hat...snorty snort snort! And I'm afraid Shannon up there is right! He does bear a wee resemblance to DDL!!!!!

LMAO as usual when I come by!

Bee and Rose said...

Oh! It just occured to me that perhaps Bathtub Gangsta should set this freak of nature straight about his fashion choices....just sayin...

Julie said...

This will give you an idea of my deep, deep obsession with Wide Awake -- when I read this post, all I could think of was "shiny f#@$ing curls!" As always, you're hilarious.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Wow...it really DOES look like an apple pie!

MommyTime said...

I was going to leave some comment about dressing like a member of the chorus in Pirates of the Penzance, but Marinka's comment made me laugh so hard that I can hardly type a complete sentence.

Shaggs said...

How can we be sure that's not Kim Kardashian wanting to bomb Washington because she cant spell it and/or identify it on a map?

Threeboys1mommy said...

So this pop tart on my head is a bad idea?

Noob Mommy said...

Totes a pie hat! He's like the pie thief guy from Strawberry Shortcake.

This Bug said...

Pastry themed headgear is a little scary to me. Great blog, btw. You are hilarious.

Glamour Girl said...

You've got some pretty damn good points!

the Mayor said...

I guess I missed my 15 minutes of fame. 1991, I delivered my 4th child in the Dodge Caravan on the way to the hospital. Still had on my stretchy maternity shorts. I just never dreamed that would be "news".

Geri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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